Ralph Lauren’s Drunk Niece Jenny Gets Arrested And The Hearing Is Held In A Bar

My understanding of courtroom stuff is limited to when Judge Judy says ‘judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of $500’ so this story is as surprising to me as it might be to anyone else who’s only access to law stuff is re-runs of Law & Order: SVU. On a recent flight from Barcelona to the US, Ralph Lauren’s niece Jenny Lauren got her mile-high swerve on which turned into getting her rage on. However, according to The Daily Mail, trying to sneak a copy of SkyMall into her purse as she exited the cabin was the least of her problems:

Jenny Lauren, 41, is accused of breaching the peace on board a transatlantic Delta Air Lines flight, which had to be diverted to Shannon Airport in the west of Ireland yesterday afternoon.

Dressed in a smart black dress, coat and boots, the New York-based jewellery designer wept before the hearing and then clutched her hands as she appeared before Killaloe District Court.

The unusual sitting was held in the downstairs function room of the Brian Boru pub – named after the ancient High King of Ireland – as there is no dedicated courthouse in the area.

Ms Lauren sat only feet away from Guinness and Heineken taps and under switched off disco lights as her name was called out in the licenced premises which was not in operation today.

When did Ireland get so touchy about being a drunk-ass mess? I just naturally assumed that when one purchased an Irish plane ticket, it came with TSA-approved bottles of whiskey and a voucher for 1 in-flight fist-fight. But maybe they would have let her off with a warning if Jenny hadn’t given officers some first class-level American attitude:

Officer Yvette Walsh told the court that when the jewellery designer was being detained at the airport she told officers: ‘Can you say that in English please?’

Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuudge. What were you thinking, Jenny?!? This isn’t Canada, where people cry maple syrup tears when you insult their accents. I wouldn’t go fucking around with a country who has a drink named after their most popular terrorist act.

(Pic via Twitter)

Oregon Man On Meth Swings At Cops With One Hand, Masturbates With The Other

That’s the definition of expert multitasking; he should be used as an example at business productivity seminars. “If this guy is able to throw haymakers and stroke it while high out of his mind on meth, your employees should be able to file paperwork and answer the damn phone at the same time.”

According to the NY Daily News, the residents of Florida are raising their glasses of Faygo and discount Publix-brand Rum to Andrew Frey (James Marsden in dirtbag drag) of Beaverton, Oregon and declaring him an honorary citizen today after he committed a laundry list of truly Waffle House-worthy crimes:

Frey— after refusing to pay a locksmith he called to his home — went to a local shopping center where an employee escorted him off the property.

Frey then went to Iggy’s Bar & Grill, took a seat then exposed himself to a bartender, police said. Then he allegedly started to pleasure himself.

Police were called to the scene and Frey moved to the bathroom where he continued to touch himself. A deputy officer attempted to arrest him a few times and even used a Taser multiple times but it had no effect on Frey, police said. The dispatcher then radioed for backup and 15 officers descended onto the bar and finally arrested him.

So, to recap:

He got high out of his mind on meth.

He went to a bar to jerk off.

He is tazed not once, but several times.

He keeps masturbating and fighting.

I want to contact that bar, ask them for the security camera tape from that night, slow it down to make it even more dramatic, cut it into a short film, set to the theme from Jurassic Park, and sit back and watch as the Academy Award nominations roll in, because I just described the MOST BEAUTIFUL, POIGNANT FILM OF THE YEAR.

This story hits close to home. In high school, I used to work at a hardware/tire store (if you’re Canadian, you know exactly which one) and there was this guy who would always come in and buy a bottle of paint thinner or varnish and take it out back to get high on the fumes and masturbate. I nicknamed him H.R. Huff-n-tug, but only because I used humor as a way to silence the sad voice in my head that kept telling me my job was way too fucking depressing for any normal 17-year-old. Anyways, eventually I had to call the cops on H.R. Huff-n-tug (I know, I’m such a hater), but they didn’t need to taze his ass because, unlike meth, paint thinner makes you sleepy and cooperative.

(Pic via Marion County Sheriff’s Office)