Florida Has Out Florida’d Itself Again

June 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Presenting the new official state flower of Florida: CRYSTAL METHENEY!

From now on, every time there’s a Miss USA or Miss America or Miss Whatever pageant, Florida should have to send Crystal Metheney to represent their state, because she is the only Miss Florida that this country needs. A stage 10 Florida would’ve been declared by Obama if Crystal Metheney got arrested for cooking meth in a camper parked in the parking lot of a Kroger’s. No, she didn’t get arrested for anything meth-related. This Southern blossom was busted by police for “shooting a missile into an occupied vehicle.” The thought of Cryrstal Metheney launching a giant scud missile at a car has taken me higher like I just gulped down an obese cloud of meth smoke. But “missile” just means “object” in police talk, so she probably threw an empty bottle of MD 20/20 or shot a bb gun at the car.

Crystal Metheney’s parents should be given the key to the state for naming her Crystal Metheney. I hope Crystal Metheney keeps the family legacy alive by naming her kids Blue Metheney and Strawberry Metheney.

Walter White’s dream girl has been found!

via Uproxx (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

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