Category: 2017 Oscars
Nicole Kidman Might Have Forgotten How To Clap
Nicole Kidman was all kinds of stiff and frozen at the Oscars last night and I’m not talking about her face. There’s a lot of clapping that happens during the Oscars, but sadly Nicole just couldn’t get the hang of it and it was weird.
The Accountants Took The Fall For That Best Picture Mess-Up
You know that H&R Block is sliding their business card under the door of the offices of the Academy today.
Warren Beatty read the card, Faye Dunaway read the card and saids the words on it, but PricewaterhouseCoopers, the accounting firm who tallies up all the Oscar votes, is taking the blame for the biggest awkward shit bomb to hit the Oscars stage since… well… since last year when Stacey Dash broke everyone’s eye rolling muscle.
Jimmy Kimmel Roasted Matt Damon All Night At The Oscars
Jimmy Kimmel’s longest running joke is that he hates Matt Damon. It started years ago on Jimmy Kimmel Live! when he joked that Matt Damon had been bumped from the show for time, which eventually spawned 2008’s viral clap-back “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” and a special all-Matt episode in 2013 called Jimmy Kimmel Sucks!. Last night, Jimmy kept the joke going by poking ans scratching at Matt Damon pretty much every chance he got.
Viola Davis Is Now A Grammy Away From An EGOT
When I woke up this morning, I told myself that two sure things were going to happen today: 1. I am going to end the night drunkenly crying at the bottom of a hot shower. 2. Viola Davis is going to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. The second one happened tonight (and the first one will happen later, I’m sure).
Even though CATEGORY FRAUD WAS COMMITTED, Viola finally won an Oscar tonight for Fences and she deserved it 100%, because nobody can snot cry on cue like she can. Viola said in her speech, “I became an artist, and thank God I did, because we are the only profession who celebrates what it means to live a life.” Um, with all due respect, Viola Davis obviously doesn’t know of a profession called “burger maker at In-N-Out,” because they put pure life between two buns every single day.
Viola won an Emmy for How To Get Away With Murder, she’s won two Tonys for Fences and King Hedley II and she won an Oscar tonight. Well, if her Oscars speech tonight was released as an album, she’d definitely win a Grammy next year and the EGOT would be hers! That’s if fucking Adele doesn’t release an album this year.
Here Is Meryl Streep Not Wearing Chanel At The Oscars Tonight
In case you haven’t been following the feud between Death Eaters royalty and Hollywood royalty, Karl Lagerfeld fired the first shot when he said that Meryl Streep ordered a Chanel couture gown to wear to the Oscars but waved it away after she found a fashion house that would pay her to wear their dress. Kunty Karl called Meryl “cheap.” Meryl tapped the white-haired vampire’s chest with a stake by saying that she would never accept a check to wear a dress. Karl then dribbled out a generic apology about how he was mistaken. But Meryl really shoved the stake all the way in when she called Kunty Karl a damn liar and refused to accept his weak ass apology. Meryl added that Karl’s lie added a layer of shit on what should be a wonderful moment (aka her getting an Oscar nomination for the 20th time). And that brings us to the Oscars tonight….
Meryl ended up wearing a custom Elie Saab gown-over-pants-thing.
Somewhere in his lair, Kunty Karl took a break from drinking blood out of his current boy toy to look up at the TV and say, “Dress looks cheap, just like her.” And really, I hate Meryl’s look tonight. I really thought she was going to wear a giant gown that had the words, “Fuck You Karl,” written on the front and the words, “And yes, I got paid to wear this bitch,” written on the back. Oh well, maybe next year. You know she’ll be nominated.
Pics: Getty
A Pregnant Natalie Portman Won’t Be At The Oscars Tonight
Those of you who were looking forward to watching Natalie Portman balance her second Oscar on her second pregnant belly tonight are shit out of luck. People reports that Natalie won’t be attending the Oscars tonight due to her ever-so-delicate condition.