Madge has already burned the petals off of a Hydrangea with her manufactured British accent and her claws which she sharpens on the crotch bones of impoverished third world orphans, and now she’s using her tongue to subtlety stab at Lady Caca’s tuck. During an interview with the French site LeSoir (via Radar) for Madge’s piece of shit movie W.E. (stands for WHAT EVER), the interviewer said some shit about how that cinematic dingle is seen through the eyes of some young chick admiring some other chick from the past. The interview then said that many hos admire Madge including Lady Kinko’s. With the terrifying image of a HYDRANGEA still causing nightmares in her brain, Madge turned Lady Caca into Caca Brulee by singeing that copy cat ho with this quote:

In French: De mes fans ? Disons que ce qui m’intéresse avec le regard de Wally, c’est d’arriver à percer la vérité sur Wallis Simpson. Et s’apercevoir que rien n’est jamais tout blanc ou tout noir. Vrai ou faux. La vie est de couleur grise. Et on ne peut enfermer personne dans une case. Quant à Lady Gaga, je n’ai pas de commentaire à faire sur ses obsessions ayant trait à moi, parce que je ne sais pas si ça repose sur quelque chose de profond ou de superficiel.

In English courtesy of the accurate translation program known as Google: Of my fans? Say what interests me with the eyes of Wally, is to arrive at the truth about drilling Wallis Simpson. And realize that nothing is all white or all black. True or False. Life is gray. And you can not lock someone in a box. As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on his obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial.

YES!!!!! If this was an episode of Survivor, Jeff Probst would put out Lady Caca’s torch after saying, “The cunt has spoken!”

Yes, this quote could’ve been completely mangled the same way a boy toy’s nutsack gets mangled when Madge’s snatch serpent bites at it, but I’m going to believe it to be true. Why? Because above everything, Madge is a BITCH with a capital everything. Even if she didn’t say it out loud, I’m sure that quote was in her head, right next to a mental note that she needs to Skype her dark lord Satan to ask him to destroy that hydrangea giver for her.

More of this, Madge! More of this. Less movie making, less crotch thrusting and more cunting!

Okay, okay, technically it’s a marshmallow rolled in bubble gum extract and deep fried until your blood sugar level starts screaming for mercy. That makes it sound less diabetes-ey, right? And how can your mouth deny something that looks like a Care Bear’s bowel movement?

via Buzzfeed

If this doesn’t give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don’t know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery’s asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie’s wedding. There’s more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.

And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn’t know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy’s chest. Either way, it’s a win for the rest of us.

Here’s the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym “Siamese Cat” Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).

Kate Winslet’s titty bib dress is a thing of sheer elegance – Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan needs less Google Alerts in her life – The Superficial

Kathy Griffin knocks the glory hole dick out of Marcus Bachmann’s mouth – Towleroad

Did I really need a bitch’s tonsils all over my eyes like that? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

JoJo, LEAVE, get out, right now – Hollywood Tuna

Lady Gagonyourfistandshutthehellupalready writes a community college philosophy thesis about a fashion critic who hurt her feelings once – Celebitchy

And here’s a video of me running into Mah Boo Anderson Cooper on the street the other day – The Daily What

Shia LaDouche or your dad working a 3-week vacation beard? – Just Jared

Hilary Duff went to CVS yesterday, but I’m sure you already read about this on CNN – Popoholic

Ryan Gosling drinks Diet Snapple when he drives, but I’m sure you already read about this on CNN after the Hilary Duff went to CVS expose – Popsugar

Janice Dickinson nibbles the life out of a stoned and sun damaged turtle man – ICYDK

Nicki Minaj in Glamour – The Berry

Poke at me when Scary Spice’s says that she named her new baby Devil Tuscon – I’m Not Obsessed

An artist’s rendering of what fuck times with Skeletor is like – Cityrag

Stephen Dorff, just because – Hollywood Rag

Joey from The Real World’s Droopy Dog tits and sad face nipples in Playgirl – (NSFW) OMG Blog

T.I. is a mess. The end. – Necole Bitchie

“I wish I was as sweet as Evan Ross” – those cupcakes – Crunk + Disorderly

When I’m craving a thick creamy white snack, I usually reach for the vanilla ice cream (Where did you think I was going with this, you sick ass!), but not anymore! My freezer will only be used to store vodka, grapes, cold packs and batteries (yeah, I’m one of those) from now on. Thanks to this highly informative review, I’m reaching for the Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt when I need a refreshing summertime (?) snack between meals. Because starting now, I always trust the snack advice of Amy Winehouse’s spirit animal who has the thrilling voice of the Google Translate lady and the cinematic eye of a mom who just got a webcam.

P.S. – Stay away from that lid contest for that free cooking set. It’s mine! I want to cook my lavishing yogurt in it.

via Videogum

Here’s Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a “Waitress, there’s a BARF in my soup!” face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it’s not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection.

Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY

Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY