When Simon Cowell hears “It’s a NO from me” from Heaven’s gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. If it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it’s a good idea.”

I have a feeling that if I don’t do it now. I could regret this in 300 years’ time.”

Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!

Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest’s laptop, I’d definitely be searching for “cryogenic chamber with a dick hole” right about now.

With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart’s maternity line, hos figured that she’s either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it’s eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It’s the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she’ll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are “thrilled” to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.

No other details were released.

Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.

Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it’s 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. “I’m thrilled that you’re listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore’s pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King,” is the message she’ll leave.

But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.

What former Jersey Shore star offers private one on one parties for $5000 a night? (CDAN)

Angelina? But that $5000 party better include $1000 in food, $2500 in the sweet nectar and $1499 for the good shit, because I know that bottom of the barrel bitch is not charging $5000 to dive into her pool of STDs.

I know we’re in a recession, but you can still get gonorrhea for free if you really want it. I mean, Angelina’s luggage is provided by Hefty, so you know she makes a condoms out of old Ziploc bags, newspaper rubber bands and kitchen grease.

With so many mixed marriages in Hollywood, you might think that people of different religions marrying would not be such a big deal. Well, it is to this future bride. Her faith is so important to her that her fiancé is secretly converting to her religion. The demands of the conversion are quite rigorous. In addition to disciplined studies and participation in various ceremonies, he has also scheduled a very specific physical transformation to comply with the traditions of his new religion. While his training has certainly conditioned his body to handle any physical challenge, this is one procedure for which he can’t train. The two will be married after his conversion is complete, which should be before the end of the year. (Blind Gossip)

I’m guessing that Natalie Portman’s piece Benjamin Millepied is the one who’s peen baguette is getting pulled and snipped. Dick butter just ain’t for Natalie.

This foreign born multi-platinum selling R&B singer who is barely out of his teens was getting mobbed the other night by adoring female fans. What they did not realize is that he has been having an affair with a much older man for the past three years. (CDAN)

Justin Bieber is forever 12 and is not an R&B singer no matter what lies Usher keeps trying to shove in our ears. Wheelchair Jimmy (aka Drake) is way past his teens and is more of a rapper. So I’ve got nothing. I’ll just hit the fog machine, masturbate the harp with my hands and go back in time to my teens to guess that this is someone from Tony! Toni! Tone!

Which A list celebrity couple are having a “trial separation” while he is on tour? (CDAN)

Fishsticks Paltrow and Chris Martin? More solo bedroom bathtub time for her!

This A list movie actor who has always been close to his mother snapped on her last week. They were at a restaurant and started arguing over his latest romance and he got up and said, “What? Are you jealous? I’m not supporting you anymore and that starts with you finding your own way home. Bitch.” (CDAN)

Leonardo DiCatchaho or Shia LaDouche?

Sometimes I get told items which do not necessarily appeal to everyone, but this one was too juicy. It is in Spanish because all of the people involved are Spanish speakers.

Este es un poco complicado, pero en realidad se casó con una actriz good.This lista ha apparead en el cine y la televisión. Aunque está casada, ella ha estado engañando a su marido con una compañera de reparto. El co-protagonista a su vez ha sido infiel a su pareja. Nuestra actriz fue sorprendida por su marido, pero ella fue capaz de convencer a su salida de ella diciendo que el hombre que estaba teniendo una aventura con la era en realidad tiene una aventura con otra compañera de reparto en el mismo programa. Sí, por lo que nuestra actriz marginado a un hombre sólo para proteger a sus aventuras sexuales. (CDAN)

The internet has always taught me that when Google Translation fails, go with Charo!

This video of a gargantuan horse dog named Emmit Thunderpaws (Pregnant celebwhores, take note. That is a name!) freaking out over the return of his military dad after 9 months apart will make you do 3 things:

1) Feel a thin layer of warmness over the mound of ice cold ground vulture meat in your chest.
2) Petition for Emmit Thunderpaws to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars.
3) Google “Great Dane lipstick.”

via The Daily What

The answer isn’t: Lady Caca as Patti LuPone
The answer isn’t: Patti LuPone as Lady Caca
The answer definitely isn’t: Xtina (Xtina wishes!)

The answer is…..

JANE FUCKING WIEDLIN from The Go Go’s!

I haven’t been keeping my Google Alert’s eyes on the ever-changing image of Jane Wiedlin, but when and how did this happen? When did Jane transform herself into the glamorous owner of a family-style Italian restaurant in The Valley who sings a Marilyn Monroe song on top of a tiny fake piano that doubles as the dessert cart to anybody who says it’s their birthday?

This is frying my mind as much as peroxide has fried her hairline. No, of course peroxide didn’t deep fry Jane’s hairline. The piping hot beauty wafting off of her exquisite eyebrow situation singed her hairline until it turned into the consistency of French’s onion strings. Oh, I don’t know how to deal with the fact that in this day and age Jane Wiedlin no longer looks like she spits out pixie dust from her ass.

Here’s The Go-Go’s getting their star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame today. Afterward, Jane changed into a white dress and performed scenes from The Seven Year Itch for tourists in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

Rotten Peaches Geldof would go down on a snake if it was a guest editor at Vice Magazine or was the sometimes keytar player of a band who had a song on the Gummo soundtrack, so she usually has the worst taste in dudes. (Not like bitch is a prized kumquat herself.) But Peaches is finally rubbing her crotch marmalade on the right kind of beautiful dude who is obviously fluent in dressing like a Volvo-driving, Kenny G-humming, Celestial Seasonings-drinking suburban mother of the 1980s! I know you fell back in chair and shouted out, “MOM!!!????”

Peaches’ new piece is Thomas Cohen and he’s like a human version of one of the Erri Twins in the weekend wardrobe of a 1950s girl school head mistress. I bet he’s even wearing white cotton panties with no dick slot and baby blue roses on them. If I didn’t think his crotch was covered with a bacterial fungus from fucking on Rotten Peaches, I’d totally be in love!