Cristiano Ronaldo Got Married To A Guy On Instagram
Crack-glazed futebol star Cristiano Ronaldo recently vacationed in Morocco with his super-heavyweight boxer friend Badr Hari. Hari posted a pic of himself sweeping Crispy off his feet on Instagram and joked about how they had just gotten married.
Obviously they didn’t, but it’s a pic of two guys touching each other. We’re a bunch of horny hoes here, so we can assume they’re obviously 69-ing every chance they can get. And, despite Crispy always looking like he’s coated in bacon grease, I would watch this if it were a movie. Hopefully it would be the dirty kind.
Just married Hahahaha Always there to pick you up bro. توا غير تزوجت هههههه! سأكون دائما هناك لاحملك يا اخي! #BadrHari #CR7 #Ronaldo@Cristiano
Does anyone know Arabic? I want to know if the above translates into “Yes, I totally have a hard-on in this pic. You would, too. He might be the color of rancid Sunny D, but he’s mine.”
Check out pics of Ronaldo introducing his new CR7 line of shoes in Portugal in the gallery below.
Pics: Splash
Justin Bieber Claims Shrinkage
Head douche of the romper room Justin Bieber complained to Access Hollywood about feeling violated after pics of his nekkidness scandalized the Earth over a week ago. He also stated that the depiction of his dick was inaccurate due to “shrinkage.” Maybe Daddy should have sent more incest-y tweets to bolster his dick’s fragile ego? via People
“My first thing was like … how can they do this? Like I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can’t step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like you should feel comfortable in your own space … especially that far away.”
On one hand, he’s right. He should be able to, like, walk the cock if he’s in own personal space, like, without it ending up slapped across the, like, Internet for, like, jillions to “meh” to. Like, Granted, when Justin Bieber walks outside naked, he calls it a “violation,” but when I do it the police are called, people run and I’m told to leave the park immediately.
On the other hand, those evil assholes didn’t even let him apply a proper Instagram filter to his nudity this time! When you’re globally famous and you walk your bare ass out on the deck of your hotel hut, the paps should at least wait until you give the word. Forewarned is forecockedarmed in the celebrity dick pic game, people!
Bieber also felt that his dick wasn’t presented in the best possible light.
“That was shrinkage for me.”
Irritating shithead, please! Every guy caught out there says that. If shrinkage had that much to do with small penises, the male engineers of the world would insure that pools only came heated. Our global warming issue would have to suck it, because all of the dude scientists would instead be wracked figuring out a way to permanently raise the temperatures of the planet’s oceans, lakes, rivers and streams.
Not that I want to be defending the hell toddler, but it’s not like he’s sporting a button. Sure, it’s not the Hammaconda, but that’s a rare beast. Look, showers not growers do fine in the world. (You – “Orly?” Me – “Shut up!“) I mean, does size really matter in the end? (The Dlisted readership – “Yes!”) *Cut to Michael K. wondering how Dlisted HR would let someone who would ask that question into the lobby, let alone allow him to blog here*
And here’s some enthralling pics of the Biebs exiting a public bathroom yesterday in Beverly Hills.
Pics: WENN
Lindsay Lohan Is Thinking Of Running For President
Lindsay Lohan let the world know via Instagram that she’s mulling running for POTUS. I don’t even know where to begin. Actually, I do – she does know the “White House” doesn’t refer to the stuff she’s snorted only 10 times, right? This one probably thinks there’s just piles of gak laying around the Oval Office.
lindsaylohanIn #2020 I may run for president. Through ups and downs #YESWECAN lets do this @kanyewest 🇺🇸 #truespirits thank your for inspiring us to be better people @barackobama #kanyewest2020 #lindsaylohanat35 #lindsaylohan2020 with #34yearsofEXPERIENCE 🙏🏻 #unitingWORLDnations @aliforneycenter @savethesociety @unicef
The first thing I would like to do as president of is take care of all of the children suffering in the world. #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country
Kanye West ain’t shit for inspiring this.
Does she know you need a job first before you can be president? Does she know that ALLEGEDLY blowing rich dudes from the Middle East doesn’t count as a job in that regard? (Although who knows, maybe she could be the president who finally stops the fighting through fellatio.) 29-years-old and she looks like your great-aunt from Boca who stills keeps her Kools in a pleather cigarette case and lets the Tanqueray guide her in lipstick application.
Although, a drunken Dina Lohan as First Enabler passed out in lane 3 of the White House bowling alley would be funny.
Here’s pics of Lohan arriving to and departing from a party at Morton’s in London below.
Pics: WENN, Getty
Open Post: Hosted By Koko And Her Kitten Babies
What more could you want from a screen shot? You’ve got a balloon, Koko, a gray pussy and Betty White in the background.
Koko, the world famous sign-language gorilla, turned 44 on July 4th and for her birthday, the staff at the Gorilla Foundation in Redwood City, CA let her play with a bunch of pussies. (Side note: Horny hos who Google “CoCo’s pussy” are going to be pretty disappointed if they land on this post.) Koko loves babies and she’s never been a mom, so she immediately wrapped her heart and hands around the adorable kittens. The foundation says she adopted Ms. Gray and Ms. Black (which sounds like the names of lost Clue characters) and now she’s their mommy. WARNING: Emotions may be felt while watching this.
From now on, any famous types who play messy and ugly during a custody battle (see: Kelly Rutherford, etc…) should get their kids taken away and placed with Koko permanently. They’ll probably be better off, because Koko is better than all of us! (Well, except for Betty White. She’s better than everybody but Betty White.)
via Buzzfeed
At Least We’ll Always Have The Naked 90s Elegance Of The Barbi Twins
Playboy really should’ve shut down after this issue, because it was never able to reach this level of refined sophistication again.
Last night, The New York Times reported some sad news for everyone who christened their fapping hand by doing themselves for the first time while looking at a Playboy they stole from their dad or brother. (Side note: I don’t know if JcPenney makes those huge catalogs anymore, but if they do and they still have a dude underwear section in it, I’ll be extra sad if they ever get rid of it. That was my first fap material.) Playboy announced that after decades of showing chichis and chocha, they are no longer going to put naked women in their magazine. This news made half of the Internet shrug since lady nipples are a click away and made the other half of the Internet Google “What is a magazine?”
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Stephen Dale (as played by Madison Smith) from Lifetime’s Unauthorized Melrose Place Story!