Awkward = Jessa Duggar Kissing Her New Husband On Instagram
When 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married 19-year-old Ben Seewald, they decided to not share their first kiss in front of their 1,000 wedding guests and her mom and dad mouth fucked for everyone instead. I figured that Jessa passed on kissing at her wedding for the first time, because she was afraid that kissing Ben might make her realize that she’s a lesbian and the flinch she’d make wouldn’t look good in front of TLC’s cameras. But just a few days after they passed on kissing at their wedding, they kissed in a black and white selfie on Instagram. I just…
Rejoice, The World Has A New Duggar Baby-Making Machine In It!
On this Halloween weekend, one of America’s scariest families, the Duggars, cackled into the night sky, because a new uterus has joined their army of uteruses and their plan to take over the world is one step closer to coming true. A new Duggar baby-making machine was christened yesterday when 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married her 19-year-old fiancé of two and a half months Ben Seewald in front of 1,000 people at First Baptist Church in Bentonville, AR. Why do I have a feeling that Jessa is holding her bouquet over her stomach, because just like Jill Duggar, five seconds after she front-hugged her husband for the first time she came down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!!
People says that Jessa and Ben’s wedding was filmed for 19 Kids and Counting (DUH) and will air on TLC next season. As everyone pretty much knows, the Duggars are only allowed to Christian side hug the piece they’re dating during “courtship” and they have to save all that dark-sided slutty stuff like kissing and front hugging until after they’re married. Jessa’s older sister Jill shared her first kiss with her husband in front of everyone at her wedding, so People says that Jessa and Ben’s guests were “eagerly” waiting for their first kiss. Those sucio guests. If they really want to watch two kissing virgins pop each other’s kissing cherries by awkwardly mouth fuck for the first time, they should just watch a mama bird barf food into her baby’s beak, because that’s what it looks like. But Jessa and Ben disappointed everyone, because they chose to kiss for the first time in private. Since the crowd of sickos really wanted to see two Duggars kiss, Michelle and Jim Bob got up and touched lips for the crowd, which isn’t weird at all.
The couple, who wrote their own wedding vows, were saving their very first kiss until after they were married. But they had a surprise for the crowd eagerly waiting to see them lock lips on stage after Pastor Mike Schadt introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Seewald.
“They wanted their very first kiss ever to be in private,” Schadt tells PEOPLE. “It was important to the both of them.”
He then spoke to the crowd for several minutes about the couple’s decision and asked Jessa’s parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to show the wedding crowd a kiss. “So, now you’ve seen a Duggar kiss,” Schadt said.
Michelle and Jim Bob are horny freaks, so I’m sure that kiss was all tongue and slobber and she didn’t definitely got poked by his eager baby-making wand.
I love a Duggar SCANDAL, so I’m going to say that Jessa didn’t wear white and didn’t kiss at her wedding, because she already lost her kissing virginity with her piece and she didn’t want lie in front of God. Or Jessa and Ben figured that kissing is boring so they might as well skip that shit and go straight to marital oral and rimming. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Pic: TLC/People
Jill And Jessa Duggar Tell UsWeekly Their Mom And Dad’s Rules For Dating And Sex Stuff
It must be close to Halloween, because the Duggars are back with another scary story!
The Duggars got the cover of UsWeekly again, which is weird to me. I mean, there they are right next to Miranda Lambert who is guaranteeing herself a one-way ticket to HELL by showing off her husband’s flesh property in a two piece! But I guess those Duggars got a TLC show to sell and UsWeekly knows that us drunk sluts will read that terrifying cover story, because it makes us feel good about being drunk sluts who can freely be drunk sluts.
Jessa and the newest Duggar baby machine tell UsWeekly some of the shit we already know: all of their dates are chaperoned, no chest-to-chest contact is allow (Um, what do you hussies think you’re doing in that cover picture?) and once they’re married, they have to keep their legs open for their husband to go in and babies to come out. They also can’t celebrate Halloween. They can’t dance. They can’t drink. Basically, their Jesus hates all things fun. My thoughts about the Duggars guide to love and sex is best expressed through the look on the face of the baby that Jenelle’s mom will raise.
Michelle Duggar Compared Child Molesters To Trans Women
Two Duggar posts in one day. It’s like a double gift from Hell!
Both of Michelle Duggar’s eyes are giving birth to a litter of teardrops today, but they’re crying for different reasons. Michelle’s left eye is crying tears of pure happiness, because the world finally knows that the Duggar army is growing even more. Michelle Duggar’s right eye is crying tears of bigoted sadness, because the anti-discrimination ordinance that she was trying to keep from passing, passed.
Early this morning, the City Council of Fayetteville, Arkansas passed an anti-discrimination ordinance that protects citizens from being discriminated against because of their age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, gender identity, gender expression, race, religion, nationality, veteran status, disability and how much money they’ve got their bank account. It makes sense, but of course some bitches tried to stop it from going forward. One of those bitches was Michelle Duggar.
The Duggar Family’s Newest Baby-Making Machine Didn’t Waste Any Time….
All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….
On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.
Another Duggar Got Engaged
People has confirmed that after almost a year of courtship, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s fifth soldier in their child army, 21-year-old Jessa Duggar, has agreed to marry her boyfriend (do they even call it that? Gentleman friend? Guy I get ice cream with?) 19-year-old Ben Seewald. And now that she’s got a ring on her finger, you know what that means: HARDCORE XXX HAND-HOLDING.
“We are so blessed to be engaged! God has written an amazing story through our courtship, and another chapter has just begun!” the giddy couple said in a statement. “We are thrilled to see what the future holds – especially the wedding bells!”
Ew, I bet “wedding bells” is code for a pair of jingle bells they hang from the headboard so they can notify Jesus the first time they make love (aka the ultimate threesome). No! Wedding bells has got to be in reference to the loud clanging sound Michelle’s uterus makes when she gets busy on the dance floor. NO! The only bells that ring when a Duggar gets married are the ones in the song “O Fortuna“. It plays every time we come one step closer to the inevitable doomsday that will happen when the final Duggar offspring fullfills its Duggar Destiny by birthing out the 1,000,000th member of the Duggar Child Army, signalling all the Duggars to rise up and enslave humanity. It’s only a matter of time before we’re forced to wear cellphones clipped to the waistband of our pants and roll our bangs into crunchy L.A. Looks hair sausages and eat nothing but tater tot casserole (actually, that one doesn’t sound so bad).
Pic: Instagram