When 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married 19-year-old Ben Seewald, they decided to not share their first kiss in front of their 1,000 wedding guests and her mom and dad mouth fucked for everyone instead. I figured that Jessa passed on kissing at her wedding for the first time, because she was afraid that kissing Ben might make her realize that she’s a lesbian and the flinch she’d make wouldn’t look good in front of TLC’s cameras. But just a few days after they passed on kissing at their wedding, they kissed in a black and white selfie on Instagram. I just…
This is exactly why kissing selfies are never a good idea. They usually look awkward as hell. That looks like artsy G-rated necrophilia porn, because he looks dead. It looks like one of those first date kisses where one trick is all the way into it and the other trick is doing it out of pity and is thinking to themselves, “I hope they get off of my lips soon because American Horror Story is starting and I forgot to DVR it.” His lips couldn’t be more sealed shut if he was Mama June and someone was waving a vegetable in front of his face.
You know in Mannequin when Andrew McCarthy kisses the mannequin version of Kim Cattrall? Those bitches had more heat than Jessa and this Ben dude. Even Jodie Foster and Richard Gere’s kiss in Sommersby was hotter than this. A dead trout kissing a piece of wet cardboard would produce more passion. That said, she totally got pregnant from that kiss.
And in “SANTO DIOS I Wish This Was True” news, Radar, Gawker and others picked up a story from a supposed Christian fundamentalist blog that claims that Jessa’s sister Jinger caught her and Ben going to fuck town in a church room right after their wedding. The blogger who runs the site My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mother claims in a post that she was a guest Jessa’s wedding. In the post’s comments, a gossiping commenter named Mary B claims that she was also at the wedding and says that the talk of the wedding was how Jessa and Ben got caught committing an ungodly, slutty sin by boning in the House of the Lord! Mary B writes:
How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together. This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord.
Eh, judging by the way Ben’s mouth is sealed shut in that picture, his headship game isn’t that great anyway. I wish Mary B’s story was true, but that blog is obviously 100% satire and looking at any of the other posts will tell you that. Besides if Jessa and Ben really did fuck while their parents were in the next room, everyone would know about it for sure. Michelle Duggar can smell fresh cum from a mile away, so she’d bust into that room and get Ben to hold Jessa upside down by the ankles so she’d pregnant faster.