I’m typing this from a modified fetal position under my kitchen table because looking at pictures of Tara Reid in the sun and sand when I’ve already careened through what was supposed to be a “light snow” this morning is edging me toward despair (shout out to my weatherman). I never though Tara of all people could be on a low-rent Aniston-style vacay and turn me into such a bitter bitch, but here we are.

Tara and her boyfriend Erez Elsen, who kind of looks like a grade school version Michael Bublé, were in Miami Beach yesterday where she ate pizza, drank beer and brined her ass jerky in the water. Tara isn’t looking too bad here if you grade on a curve using her own fuckery. She’s upright, neither one of her boobs is trying to make a run for it and nobody mistook her abs for a xylophone. Just try not to focus too much on the backside area unless you’re prepared to crave pancakes, chicken and waffles or Chinese food (and deliver some to my lazy ass under the table) and you’ll be good.

The only thing that would make these pictures better (besides a lower quality camera) is if Ian Ziering was chainsawing himself out of a shark in the background. Who knew that smarmy, mullety asshole Steve Sanders would actually be kind of hot someday and I may or may not still have Sharknado saved on my DVR for when I’m bored and on my third glass of Reisling.

(Photos: Splash)

What do you call 20 half naked Indian soldiers dancing around a pole? Thursday nights at Tommy’s. – MissLainey

Runners-up:

What went on in heaven after Freddie Mercury moved in. – emeriesan

Don’t ask, don’t tell…don’t need to. – I am Legend

So strange to see a fat brown pole not topped by a Kardashian sister. – sweetas

via Izismile

The giant ginger pussy who stole the show and outperformed all the hos at the American Music Awards last night.

Because Miley Cyrus wanted all of last night’s and this morning’s headlines to be “MILEY FLASHES HER TWANGY PUSSY AT THE AMAS,” she yodeled out that “Wrecking Ball” song at the AMAs while standing in front of a giant Tumblr dream (or Tumblr nightmare depending on who you ask). The giant clip art pussy lip-synched for its life, displayed true emotion through its 16-bit eyes and cried out diamonds when Miley fake cried. If you haven’t seen this mess yet, prepare your ears before you press play and try to focus on the floating space pussy instead of Miley’s low-rent Susan Powter impersonation.

Yes, this is cultural internet cat appropriation, but that pussy delivered a much more theatrical and emotionally raw performance than Miley ever could. Miley is an internet troll come to life, but for once I can’t hate her for it, because I’d rather stare at a lip-synching pussy than stare at Miley’s chipmunk pussy getting oppressed by those 80s aerobics briefs. Bitch got upstaged by a sad pussy in more ways than one.

Speaking of sad pussies, Billy Ray Cyrus had one on his head last night when he posed on the red carpet with Miley and the extra crispy fingerling potato in a man wig known as Wayne Newton.

Pics: Splash

Charlaine Harris, the author of the Sookie Stackhouse books (62)
Joel Kinnaman (34)
Rye Rye (23)
Katie Cassidy (27)
Gaspard Ulliel (29)
Joey Chestnut (30)
Barbara & Jenna Bush (32)
Jerry Ferrara (34)
Christina Applegate (42)
Jill & Jacqueline Hennessey (45)
Billy Burke (47)
Dougray Scott (49)
Kevin Chamberlin (50)
Amy Grant (53)
Bruno Tonioli (58)
John Larroquette (66)
Ben Stein (69)

I really deserve a double Alexis Carrington slap to both of my fucking face cheeks for even comparing that basic bitch Taylor Swift to the legendary SammyJo. Taylor Swift looks like a Dollar Tree broom going to a Halloween party as Sammy Jo Carrington. But really, when I saw Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards tonight, I got severe shades of Sammy Jo. The truth is, the comparison is not totally crazy, because Taylor Swift will probably end up marrying a gay dude and we all know that she’s kidnapped a white guy or two. But the biggest difference is that Taylor Swift could never bust out sweet, sweet, boner-inducing moves like these:

I know I post that clip way too often, but if I didn’t post it at least once every couple months, I’d probably wilt like a dick in front of Parasite Hilton’s pussy, because Sammy Jo dancing is life’s oxygen. And I know Taylor Swift is a boy trap who is the only 23-year-old on Earth who makes heart-shaped raspberry tarts in her Easy Bake Oven, but I have to give her credit for doing herself up like Sammy Jo. It’s best decision she’s ever made her in her life!

Pics: Wenn

That headline is not exactly made of one hundred percent truthiness. I do sometimes feel sorry for the fake horse that is LeAnn Rimes, but that’s something for me to bring up with my therapist later in the week.

Lady CaCa is the new face of VER-SAYCE, and part of being the face of VER-SAYCE is whoring the brand out every chance she gets, so at tonight’s American Music Awards she showed up looking like a Muppet who covered itself in wax and did itself up like Donatella Versace. What I’m trying to say is that CaCa actually looks hot. But you know somebody should really call PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of People), because I feel for those poor fucks who had to put on some busted Equus shit and carry Lady CaCa. I pray for them while thinking of them inhaling her farts. Tomorrow is Monday, so I know you’ll be in the fetal position under your cubicle, praying for Friday (or Wednesday, if you’re a Thanksgiving-celebrating American) to come. But think about this, it could always be worse. You could be wearing a white Spandex bodysuit and carrying Lady CaCa’s ridiculous ass for minimum wage. Think about that.

Pics: Splash