“You can’t act worth a damn. I only hired you because we couldn’t afford Jessica Chastain. You have cankles. Wait, you’re not crying yet. Okay, while on my way over here, I stopped by your house and kicked your new kitten.” – David O. Russell in that picture, probably.

There’s been story after story about how director David O. Russell is a throbbing dick slit wart and working with him is about as pleasant and easy as using hot sauce as lube to butt bone yourself with a durian fruit. Cases in point: David O had a cuntastic meltdown and went after Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees. He allegedly molested his niece’s chest in a gym. He made a studio executive cry on the set of Joy. And that’s probably just the tip of the dick wad iceberg. Now here’s another story about what a piece of butt corn he is and I’m sure David O doesn’t mind it. Because every time a story about him being a nip pimple comes out, he stops punching a blind orphan puppy to cackle into the night sky over everyone being reminded of his asshole ways.

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One week ago, former bikini model Cheryl Tiegs pulled out her Dr. Oz Book of “Facts” and slapped at Sports Illustrated for glamorizing unhealthy non-skinnies by putting current bikini model Ashley Graham on the cover of the 2016 Swimsuit Issue. (Cheryl did throw one compliment at Ashley by describing her face as “beautiful, beautiful“, which I guess is Cheryl’s version of “great gowns, beautiful gowns.”) Later she tried to clarify what she meant, which…didn’t really make it sound any better. Now one week later, Ashley is slapping back at Cheryl to E! News. Maybe slapping isn’t the right word; it’s really more of a bored wave, because Ashley doesn’t give a fuck about Cheryl or her armchair diagnosis.

“Cheryl Tiegs may have said what she said and it may have hurt a lot of peoples feelings, but my skin is so thick. I kind of rolled my eyes, I was like, ‘Oh whatever, another one of these ladies.’ But what’s great is that—the fact that she said it—it means that other women think like her. And what that means is that we really need to change the industry. There are too many people thinking they can look at a girl my size and say that we are unhealthy. You can’t, only my doctor can!”

“But first, I’d like to talk to Cheryl about what years of sucking back pack after pack of Virgina Slims have done to her lungs” said Ashley’s doctor.

I do love that Ashley gave an honest answer. When it comes to getting health advice from a lady who looks like she isn’t a stranger to holding up the line at BevMo by demanding they accept her expired 5-cent sale flyer as a coupon, “whatever” truly says it all. But in case that “whatever” wasn’t clear enough for Cheryl, maybe Sports Illustrated could send her a complimentary pack of stick-on googly eyes with a note instructing her to save them for all future covers featuring non-skinny models. That way, the next time she decides to bust out some obesity truth, she can shake the cover, watch their eyes roll, and say, “Okay, I get it. I’ll shut up now.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Gets it done and tosses your salad at the same time. – pamorama_j

Upvote winner:

One in the pink and two in the sink. – pamorama_j

Pic: Reddit (Yes, another dildo pic. It’s a never-ending theme here.)

The accidental pink dildo that was made during a photo-op at a high school in Toronto on Tuesday morning.

CBC News says that Kathleen Wynn, the Premier of Ontario, visited Jarvis Collegiate Institute with the minister of training, Reza Moridi, on Tuesday morning to talk about a new grant that they’re offering up to low-income college students. Since any politician’s visit to anywhere isn’t complete without some dumb photo-op, Kathleen and Reza stood in front of photographers as two students did a simple science experiment using dish soap. I guess the science experience was supposed to create some kind of pink blob that’d look like something one of the acid trip pink elephants from Dumbo would shit out. But instead, the science experiment turned into an accidental dildo show. Some say the experiment went wrong, but I say it went right. The finished product is kind of sweet, though. It kind of looks like an uncut dildo is hugging the base of a cut dildo. It’s a love story.

I don’t know if they didn’t notice the magical unicorn dick in front of them or what, but the grown-ups just stood there laughing. If I was in that room, I would’ve grabbed that thing and ran out of the room while asking the teacher for the recipe. But then again, if I want the recipe, I can skim through Dianetics since this is something that’s definitely made in the Scientology labs:

I swear, I took the wrong route in life. Right after high school, I should’ve gone to college in Canada and majored in science.

And Happy Pink Peen Thursday (see: Caption Pic above), everyone!

Pic: @robertbenzie (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

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Pic: Getty

Last night was the grand opening of Au Fudge, Jessica Biel’s very L.A.-looking restaurant for parents to take their kids to without worrying about child-hating hos throwing them hateful looks. Nope, I won’t be going there. No, not because I don’t want to be around loud children. But because how can I enjoy a $25 organic sundae while, as Lainey says, Justin Timberlake is singing “Come On Down To AuFudgeVille” in the middle of the room? – Lainey Gossip 

And here’s more of Britney Spears not looking like Britney Spears while posing with a hot piece of man in V Magazine – Drunken Stepfather

I stared at Teresa Palmer’s dress, and now I want a Necco Wafer – Hollywood Tuna 

Laura Jeanne Poon better stay out of trouble while she’s in Mexico, because her whole “AMERICAN CITIZEN” line isn’t going to work at all there  – Popoholic

Naomi Campbell and Bradley Cooper had breakfast together. No, I’m sure it wasn’t an interview for a possible bearding position, because she’s way too old for him and he’s way too poor for her – Celebitchy

Prison life is making Subway Jared fat again – The Superficial 

Here’s the trailer for Finding Dory, a movie that’s probably going to find itself making 500 billion dollars on its opening weekend – Towleroad

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith apparently okay’d Chris Rock’s jokes about them at the Oscars – WWTDD

No. No. And no. – Jezebel

British BBC ass alert – OMG Blog

PornHub released a map of the most searched terms by state. Weird, none of my regular search terms made the list. Okay, maybe I use “cartoon” every now and again. I do have a thing for Gaston – The Berry 

Charlie Hunnam is in sweats again – Popsugar

Mischa Barton is FINALLY getting a check, maybe – Just Jared

Speaking of Dancing For A Check, it’ll be Hough-less next season – SOW

Lorne Michaels pretty much did the Kanye shrug over Kanye West’s SNL meltdown – HuffPo

Pic: Getty