One of our new guest writers was supposed to help out today, but technical difficulties kept that from happening and so there weren’t as many posts as usual. Please accept my sowwies in the form of these fap-inducing pictures of Colton Haynes as a ho’d up Miss Piggy posing for a spread in Penthouse Farmhouse magazine. Someone had to serve up a sticky palate cleaner to cleanse away the memory of seeing Katy Perry as Hillary Clinton and that someone is Colton Haynes.

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The last time we checked in on the goings-on of Ashley Olsen’s 30-year-old enchanted forest poon, she was apparently doing a 33-year-old pressed juice mogul named Hayden Slater. That rumor made some of us blink a few times and think, “Is 33 a typo? Do they mean he was born in 1933?” Because the Olsens’ vagines are like a Denny’s at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday: there’s only oldies up in there. Ashley Olsen may have realized that doing a dude who doesn’t have any white pubes may not be for her. Page Six says that Ashley has moved on from that young pressed juice piece to a dude their source has described as being “very rich” and “ancient.” WARNING: If you’re in your 50s, Page Six’s source thinks you and Methuselah went to grade school together.

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Earlier this month, baby boomer hippies pulled out their dried-up flower crown from the 1960s and smoked a celebratory joint (cut with Metamucil, of course) in honor of Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature. Some were happy about the news, some weren’t and some were meh about it. Bob Dylan himself seemed to fall into the last category, because when the Nobel Prize people called him several times to congratulate him and invite him to the ceremony in December, the response they got was a silent cloud, blowin’ in the wind. Bob Dylan never called them back and didn’t even bring it up in the shows he performed after his win was announced. But Bob Dylan has finally broke his LEGENDARY SILENCE and well, you better Gorilla Glue your desk to the floor and hold on to that bitch tight, because his powerful excitement will knock you the hell over.

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If your ass can’t even get one boyfriend, then read this shit and weep, because there’s reportedly a hero in China who not only got herself 20 boyfriends, but she managed to get all 20 of those boyfriends to each buy her an iPhone 7. And she sold those iPhones to buy herself a house in the countryside! I’m going to need this Chinese gold digging master to jump on a Skype call with me, so she can give me a real quick lesson on how to magically get a handful of boyfriends and magically get them to gift me with an iPhone 7. Then I can sell all those iPhones and buy a plane ticket to China so she can really teach me her ways.

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Harry Hamlin (65)
Danell Leyva (25)
Nastia Liukin (27)
Ashley Graham (29)
Janel Parrish (28)
Eva Marcille (32)
Clémence Poésy (34)
Ivanka Trump (35)
Matthew Morrison (38)
Gretchen Rossi (38)
Adam Edge Copeland (43)
Ben Bailey (46)
Nia Long (46)
Mark Polish (46)
Michael Polish (46)
Gavin Rossdale (51)
Michael Beach (53)
Kevin Pollack (59)
Juliet Stevenson (60)
Mario Testino (62)
Henry Winkler (71)
Grace Slick (77)

Pic: Warner Bros.

Because everyone and their weekend drug dealer is going to probably do an election-themed costume for Halloween, Katy Perry and her naked paddleboard driver Orlando Bloom did themselves up in election-themed costumes for Kate Hudson’s Halloween party in L.A. last night. It’s not surprising that they did election-themed costumes, but it is surprising that Katy didn’t do herself up as a pussy and Orlando didn’t do himself up as Donald Trump’s tiny elf-sized grabbing hand.

Katy Perry has been working the trail for Hillary Clinton, and last night she showed her undying devotion to #ImWithHer by dragging it up as Her. Katy’s friend went as the Bill Clinton to her Hillary Clinton and Orlando went as a Troll Doll Trump. They obviously went all out, but if it wasn’t for that MAGA cap and Bill wearing that “I’m With Her” button, I would not have guessed who they’re supposed to be. Katy Perry isn’t giving me HRC at all. What she is giving me is “bloated love child of a rubber Angela Lansbury mask and a jolly gnome,” as well as Jay Leno in sloppy Tina Brown drag. And Orlando Bloom looks more like an electrocuted Carrot Top (no offense to my muscled-up American ginger dream boat Carrot Top).

And for the sake of the other guests at the party, I hope Kate Hudson had a spread of every kind of drug at the bar, because I would need to do them all to rid my brain of the image of seeing “Hillary Clinton” and “Troll Doll Trump” tongue kiss in the corner.

Here’s more of Katy’s HRC costume as well as pics of other tricks at the party like Pussy Posse (or as they’re now known as “The Wolf Pack”) leader Leonardo DiCatchAHo playing it subtle by wearing a wolf mask.

Pics: Splash