Ashley Olsen’s New Piece Is A “Very Rich, Ancient Man”

October 30, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on the goings-on of Ashley Olsen’s 30-year-old enchanted forest poon, she was apparently doing a 33-year-old pressed juice mogul named Hayden Slater. That rumor made some of us blink a few times and think, “Is 33 a typo? Do they mean he was born in 1933?” Because the Olsens’ vagines are like a Denny’s at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday: there’s only oldies up in there. Ashley Olsen may have realized that doing a dude who doesn’t have any white pubes may not be for her. Page Six says that Ashley has moved on from that young pressed juice piece to a dude their source has described as being “very rich” and “ancient.” WARNING: If you’re in your 50s, Page Six’s source thinks you and Methuselah went to grade school together.

The source says that Ashley’s new man is Richard Sachs (this may or may not be the Richard Sachs they’re talking about) and the two went to a spin class together at Flywheel Flatiron in Manhattan on Friday morning. They were “canoodling” and held hands as they left. The shady source adds that Richard looks like he’s twice her age and the color of his luscious black mane must’ve come from a box of Just For Men, because there’s “no way that’s his natural hair color.” They were also seen strolling around the Hamptons together. Another source had this to say about Richard Sachs:

“[He’s] a bigwig in the art space, divorced, and lives in New York, St. Barts and Malibu. He has a lot of money from working in ­finance. He’s a great guy who owns a lot of art. I believe he’s in his late 50s. He’s always at the art parties. His passion at this point in his life is supporting young artists. He is very private and a little eccentric.”

The Olsens get shit for loving that grandaddy dick, but you know, the heart (and cooch) wants what the heart (and cooch) wants and sometimes they both want a seasoned piece. I get it, but I also have another theory as to why the Olsens tend to date older dudes. The Olsens’ diet consists of Starbucks, squirrel nails and human souls, and well, many humans souls are like fine wine. They get better and more developed with age. So maybe that’s why the Olsens like old guys. Their souls just taste better!

Pic: Splash

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