Star Magazine has unveiled Brit Brit’s new bikini body on this week’s cover! Is it just me or does her “new bikini body” look just like her old bikini body?

Can they please ban these American Idol twits from doing songs from musicals? Ban it forever! Even all the pills in Paula Abdul’s system couldn’t cheer her up during last night’s shit show. The only one that didn’t make me wish a bomb would hit the studio was Carly Smithson’s “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard better versions in Orange County community theater productions, but still.

I also found someone to direct my hate towards now that Kristy Lee Cook is dead and buried. BROOKE WHITE! That bitch! I swear, I’m so sick of her staring at me with that “I’m so sowwwwwy” look. Last night, she sang “You Must Love Me” from Evita. If you make Madonna sound good, you have major issues and should reconsider your path in life. Brooke also had her second false start of the season. She forgot the words at the beginning and had to stop. Paula was not having it. If Paula wasn’t sedated, she probably would have jumped the table and beat more tears out of Brooke. Seriously, how can one person cry so much? Brooke needs a drought already.

And Jason Castro needs to lay off the bong during rehearsals! He sang “Memory” from Cats and said to Andrew Lloyd Webber, “I didn’t know this song was song by a cat.” Um…the show it’s from is called CATS! Not fucking LIZARDS. Pot can be your best friend most of the time, but sometimes it plays dirty tricks on you for laughs.

So…this week is pretty simple. Bottom 3:

Syesha Mercado: This bitch isn’t gone yet?
Jason Castro: The stoner charm is wearing off
Brooke White: Can’t wait for the fountain of tears when she’s finally voted out tonight. She’s going to start cutting herself on stage. Chick is too much.

And that’s that! I hope they slowly torture Brooke, because it might be the last time we see her “pained” expression and they should make it count.

Above is Brooke’s hideous performance and below is Jason’s stoner version of Memory. It’s pretty ironic that the stoner sang a song about memories since he probably can’t remember any of his.

Dear Tyra:

Would you please leave my girlfriend the fuck alone?. If I ever find out you’ve been pawning my ho again, I will make sure you will never scissor another slut again!!!! Kthanxba

Yours beautifully,
Lindsay Ronson – Lory

Runners-up:

Every so often he has to re-unite with Satan to keep the magic alive. – Kacky

I didn’t realize Martha Stewart and Lil Kim hooked up in prison – Jonathan Brinkley

Wenn

Nina Hagen!!

For Sammy

Joyce DeWitt (59)
Jamie King (29)
Kal Penn (31)
John Cena (31)
Barry Watson (34)
Melina Kanakaredes (41)
John Hannah (46)
George Lopez (47)
Valerie Bertenelli (48)
Judy Davis (53)
Michael Moore (54)
Lee Majors (69)
Shirley Temple (80)

Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David shot scenes for the new Woody Allen movie in NYC today. Yes, Woody Allen is still making movies. No, I don’t know why. I can tell what it’s about just from these pictures. Some old, eccentric dude who talks a lot romances some young, dumb slut.

They were filming right down the street from where I live. I should have skipped down there and slapped that Evan girl across the face for fucking Marilyn Manson. She needs to be slapped back into reality. Then I would have taken that delicious muffin out of her hands and eaten it right in front of her.

I bet you by the time filming is finished, Evan would have dumped Marilyn for Larry David. You can tell the chick loves the pepaws.