The “10-year-old girl from 1986” in me screamed a little when I first saw this NKOTB video for their new single “Summertime.” Okay, okay. I am a 10-year-old girl from 1986. What’s your point?

My only complaint is that the the rest of them needed to follow Joey McIntyre’s lead and get completely topless. And yes, this shit is total cheese, but it’s their first video in 45 years or something. As you can tell from their dance skills, it’s been a while.

VIA Idolator

According to Now Magazine, “American socialite” Phoebe Price is dating Russell Brand. A witness saw the two on a romantic date in Los Angeles last week. The magazine goes on to say that “32-year-old” Phoebe has been trying to get with 32-year-old Russell since he’s arrived in L.A.

American socialite?! That title belongs to low-rent hags like Parasite Hilton! PP is an international superstar sensation!

You know she made one of her friends put on a brown mop and say “Blimey! I’m Russell Brand!” a lot. Seriously though, PP is too good for Russell Brand! He’ll only break her lil’ chicken cutlet heart. Then she’ll have to hold a press conference and announce that she’s suing him if he doesn’t take her back. Nothing good can come out of this union!

I figured Russell only likes fish. I would’ve never guessed that he likes chicken cutlets too.

Thanks Maya

“Brokeback Mountain” is being turned into an opera by New York City Opera. You know, because it’s not gay enough. A spokesbitch for the opera house said they have commissioned composer Charles Wuorinen to write an opera based on Annie Proulx’s short story. It will premiere in 2013.

Charles Wuorinen issued this statement to Reuters: “Ever since encountering Annie Proulx’s extraordinary story I have wanted to make an opera on it, and it gives me great joy that Gerard Mortier and New York City Opera have given me the opportunity to do so.”

I’m okay with this as long as they get Placido Domingo and Paul Potts to star. Imagine those two sexy beasts dressed as cowboys and licking up on each other. Raw sex on the stage! They would have to hand out baby wipes and condoms at the door.

For a quick minute I thought this was Angelina Jolie. It’s actually Yancy Butler from Witchblade. Seriously, what crack den has she been hiding in? I just want to hug her and tell her, “You gave me an amazing show called ‘South Beach,’ so let me give you this triple fudge brownie.”

Here’s Yancy at the NY Comic Fair this past weekend.

MiserAlba won’t be the only celebwhore with a new baby. Star Magazine reports that Tori the Hutt is about to pop hers out. Tori scheduled her C-section for 11am today at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. She needs to be out of there by 1pm because she has a 2pm lipo and tummy tuck scheduled.

A source said, “The doctors have told her to just relax in the hours leading up to her surgery, but she can’t sit still. She is decorating her room with pink sheets and pink flowers to make sure she welcomes her daughter into a warm environment.” Daughter?! Gulp. May the beauty Gods be with her.

The source went on to say that Tori’s mother, Candy Spelling, is also at the hospital for support. Uh…huh…support. She’s only there because when the baby is born, she’s going to shout, “Congratulations bitch! Yet another baby that won’t see a dime of my cash! Now I’m off to the casino to win more money that you’ll never touch! Toodles!” The Candy Spelling of my imagination is so much hotter than the real thing.

Here’s Tori, creepy husband their baby yesterday in Los Angeles.

Shauna! Don’t advertise your wares on the damn street like some common hooker! Take out a Craigslist ad like every other respectable prosty. I’m joking! The sophisticated and classy beauty known as Shauna Sand is not for sale because most men cannot afford to park in her elegant box of lucite treasures. You know her shit is made of lucite, Valtrex bits and acrylic nails.

Speaking of her elegant treasures. Shauna slipped a nip! No, I think her nipple literally slipped from where its supposed to be. One look at these pictures and your own nipples will crawl up to your lips and give you a gentle kiss as a thank you for not hurting them the way Shauna has hurt hers.

That being said, Shauna can do no wrong in my eyes. You may see a frankennipple, but I see a beautiful spring daisy.

UPDATE: Click here (NSFW) to see Shauna’s raw and “elegant lucite treasure box.” Actually, don’t click on it. I don’t want to be responsible for what might happen to you.