Palin! Palin! Palin! Sarah Palin made the cover of 4 weeklies this week proving that….well…that she has scary teeth. Teeth that could make a moose cry. Poor moosies. I wonder if Sarah also made the cover of “Girls ‘n” Guns” magazine too? Probably.

It seems like the story is the same in all of these magazines. SCANDAL! BABIES! LIES! SECRETS! TEETH! KAREN WALKER! MORE LIE-TELLING! SCANDAL!

Basically, the Palin family has become the Spears family of Alaska. Somebody shake Brit Brit from her Vicodin-Cheeto coma and let her know that this Sarah Palin chick is taking her place! I want to see pictures of Brit Brit looking tore-up on all these covers, not this Sarah lady! Come on, Brit! Rob a Starbucks! Slap the artificial cheese out of Chester Cheetah! Anything! Handle it.

OK! Magazine went with a double cover this week. Michelle and Barack Obama are on one cover and Palin and Trig are on the other. Oh and Carrie thinks Jessica is fat, because she is fat! Fat in the mouth!

VIA Cover Awards

The new “90210” premiered last night…and…well..I tried! It’s like a limp dick to me. It’s not something that I would ever crave, but if I have nothing else to do, I’ll make it work. It was pretty boring and I spent most of the 2-hours picking at my dog’s eye boogies. And his eye boogies have more personality than some of the dreary fools in this show. Most of these skanks need to go back to the oatmeal factory they came from.

The main chick, Annie Wilson, is about as likeable as a plate of soggy 2 day old fries. She’s totally a “High School Musical” reject and that’s saying a lot. And Ali Lohan called, she wants her non-personality back.

The chick who is supposed to be the “bitchy” one is anything but! I had high hopes for Naomi Clark. Shouldn’t she have a coke problem, bulimia, IBS or sticky fingers?! Something! And she looks like a salesperson at the Ann Taylor outlet store. All she did was pout and try to sex everybody up with her eyes. Speaking of eyes, Naomi’s mom had serious crazy eyes! She could play Tricia Walsh-Smith in a TV movie.

Lucille Bluth basically played Lucille Bluth. But she did it better on “Arrested Development.” The only bitch, besides Brenda of course, that I could tolerate was the pill-popping crackhead who has to pay her mom’s mortgage or some shit. She’s a welfare version of Nelly Furtado, but at least she had some real problems! Sadly, you know she’s going to OD and that Ali Lohan wannabe is going to get the lead in “Spring Awakening.” They always kill off the ones that I love.

Now to the real star of the show……Brenda Fucking Walsh! It was so nice to see her wonky eye back as the main bitch of Beverly Hills. Some lovely soul compiled Brenda and Kelly’s two scenes together (above). Kelly isn’t going to know what hit her skeezy ass! Brenda is playing nicey now, but things better change. I saw the way Brenda was checking out Kelly’s new man with her one good eye. Brenda is back for blood….and school teacher jizz.

That’s if the writers don’t fuck it up by making her “nice” and “sweet.” No. And if Brenda doesn’t take over the lead in the high school musical at the last minute, I’m going to delete this shit from my Tivo! Okay, I won’t, but I’ll think about it for a long ass time.

Don’t try and be slick either! The dog is not an option. The dog ON THE LEASH. Besides, the dog on the leash doesn’t like you like way.

I’d rather rub my bare nalgas in a bowl of hot vomit, but I would take my chances with Beth. Dog is so fucking bloated that it would be like getting sexy with a wilted balloon. Even his manchichis look like they’re full of gas.

Beth probably wouldn’t even want to get down. She would just want to watch QVC while eating a whole box of Russell Stover chocolates. But she would make me massage the green puss out of her corns……

Here’s these two hillbilly seaweed creatures mucking up a beach in Los Angeles on Labor Day.

Here is the first trailer for HoHan’s newest caca fiesta “Labor Pains.” Only the magical wizard voice of Don LaFontaine could have saved this trailer!

This shit should have been made in the mid-80s starring Ally Sheedy and Shelley Long. There are already two many fucking movies with pregnanty lady shenanigans in it! I mean, “Knocked Up, “Juno” and now this shit. We get it. Crazy pregnant ladies are funny. Ha ha.

Chicken Little from “American Idol” is also in this shit, which basically confirms that it’s going straight to Netflix.

Lily Allen needs to stay away from open bars. She’s a grouchy drunk ass bitch! Nobody likes an angry boozer. They always have the worst smelling breath. Dog ass breath! Last night, Lily attended the GQ Awards in London and took advantage of the free champagne. Bitch got tanked….and mouthy!

Lily co-hosted the awards with Elton John and her drinking quickly made his saggy balls itch. Elton, being the bitchy old queen that he is, wouldn’t let it go. When Lily told the audience: “And now to the most important part of the night.” Elton quickly replied: “What? Are you going to have another drink?” Two snaps and a dildo slap!

Lily didn’t let Elton get the last laugh. She answered him back: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!” Yeah, and it ain’t going to be pretty.

Instead of slapping the ho in the teeth, Elton fired back: “I could still snort you under the table.” It ended with Lily saying: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.” Lily didn’t know what he was talking about, but I’m sure the cokey booger sitting in her nose did.

I love it when two annoying dykes start bickering. I bet Lily was tottering around, trying to hold her vomit. She probably stomped offstage, grabbed Elton by his wig and shouted: “Yooouuuu knooow whaaat you’reeeee prooooblmeee issss?!” Seriously, Lily needs to stick to soda water and wafers. Angry drunks are almost worse than emotional drunks! Don’t even get me started on those wet cry babies!

I think Elton and Lily should settle this with a cocaine snort-a-thon! My Monopoly money is on Elton! Lily has already proven that she can’t handle her shit like a champ!

Here’s some pictures of Lily before the drunken madness. Although, she might have been drinking at home. Methinks she forgot to brush the curls out of her mop. This is some “Thelma Harper” shit!