MTV VMA’s Fashion: Everybody Please Report For Detention

August 28, 2017 / Posted by:

There was so much fashion fuckery at the MTV VMAs last night, I barely know where to begin! If the Teen Choice Awards are the Middle School dance of awards shows, then the VMA’s are the Junior Prom at an alternative performing arts magnet school. Since it’s high school, I’ll be announcing the winners and losers in several categories. The first category is Most Obvious Genitalia, and that award goes to none other than Nicki Minaj.

Nicki showed up in a bubble gum-colored latex gimp suit. Nicki looks like she was chewing Bubblicious in the limo over and stuck her ABC gum between her legs, which formed the impressive cameltoe we see below (on the right).

In the category of Least Likely to Get the Lead Role In Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Despite Already Having The Costume His Mom Made For Him, that award goes to Jared Leto. He was there with his Thirty Seconds To Mars crew, and even they look like they wouldn’t sit with him at lunch. Jared’s blouse is embarrassed and wouldn’t sit with him either if it had the choice. Jared looks like one of those kids whose parents feel it’s important for them to express themselves and dress however they want, even if that means they show up at a funeral wearing fairy wings, a tutu and a bow tie.


Mel B wins Most Blatant Cry for Help/Attention with a mixed media ensemble that is “statement piece” in the front and “what did I sit in?” in the back. I actually don’t hate the graphic rainbow over gold sequin message on the front, through it’s a bit on the nose considering her current divorce sitch. But there is no excuse for the 3rd period arts and crafts construction paper finger painting on the back. It belongs on your parents’ refrigerator, not the red carpet.



There were a lot more beautiful disasters on the show last night. My honest Best Dressed goes to two people in exquisitely tailored men’s wear; Pink and Billy Eichner!


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