Archives: April 2014
Birthday Sluts
Ann-Margret (73)
Jenna Ushkowitz (28)
Harry Shum Jr. (32)
Jessica Alba (33)
Nate Richert (36)
Penelope Cruz (40)
Jorge Garcia (41)
Elisabeth Rohm (41)
Bridget Moynahan (43)
Too Short (48)
Kim Gordon (61)
Mary McDonnell (62)
Jay Leno (64)
Paul Guilfoyle (65)
Harper Lee (88)
Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lawrence Flipping Off The Paps
Normally I’d be the first in line with a sassy comment about Jennifer ‘I keeps it real’ Lawrence keeping it real by throwing up a fuck-you finger to the paparazzi of London, but between slicing my thumb while cutting a Montreal bagel that got loose on me, having to listen to my neighbors have boring sex for 6 hours straight (best quote so far: “Uh huh…sure”), looking at pictures of both Ashton Kutcher AND Kim Kardashian’s icky faces, I can relate to the sentiment expressed by Jennifer Lawrence’s hateful hand gesture. Sometimes you just need to wrap up your emotions in an erect middle finger (like I did earlier, when I flipped off a bagel).
Jennifer’s angriest finger made an appearance after a night out in London with her boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, and I like a good bird-flip as much as the next classy lady, but combined with those terrifying “Do not fuck with me” eyes, that’s an angry bird. Then again, maybe she’s not really flipping off the paps; maybe she’s trying to show off the ring on THAT FINGER, and since covering your face is so Hollywood, you should keep it real by showing off your maybe-engagement ring in the most keeping-it-real way (I think the only way you could possibly keep it more real would be to do the ‘wanker’ hand gesture).
Here’s Jennifer earlier that evening in a better mood, probably because she got to stare at Tom Ford while eating dinner, as well as About a Hunk Nicholas Hoult.
Pics: Pacific Coast News, Wenn
That’s Odd; Usually It’s Something Yellow Sliding Down Kim Kardashian
Slutty Silly Putty hobgoblin Kim Kardashian and lead hooker-in-training Khloe Kardashian-Odom (“Stay tuned for the heartbreaking double-episode of KUWTK where she drops the Odom!”) went to the LA Mud Run on Saturday. Obviously running was out of the question for these two, since most high-impact activities will cause the hardened low-grade silicone in their asses to shatter, so instead they stuck to an activity Kim is good at: laying down and letting gravity do the work.
Khloe posted the picture of the two to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Keeks and Kokes #MudRun” (Keeks and Kokes? More like Queefs and Jokes, amirite people?). Neither Kim not Khloe went into the muddy water at the bottom of the slide because Pimp Mama Kris is waiting for interest in her hookers to hit rock bottom before resorting to scat porn. NO! It’s probably because the 40lbs of makeup and eyelash glue on their faces would have shocked the pH level of the muddy water, forcing the EPA to come in and check the environmental damage caused by the contaminated cesspool. But thank goodness Kim and Khloe remembered to cover their faces while going down the slide; after all, there were young, easily frightened children present.
And because it wouldn’t really be a post about Kim Kardashian without a picture of her remarkably life-like face, here’s Kim and Khloe filming scenes for their basic cable reality show, Stupid Spoiled Dummies. I can’t even fucking believe I’m about to say this, but Kim doesn’t look terrible here (what was left of my soul just shrivelled up like a Shrinky Dink in a toaster oven). Then again, it could be the result of standing next to Khloe, who looks every bit the definition of a hoochie mama. What scene were the filming? The one where Khloe drops off her resume at Cheetahs?
Ashton Kutcher In “City Slickers 3: The Legend Of Douchebag Mountain”
“Legend has it that up on Douchebag Mountain, there lives a 10-foot tall human bottle of Summer’s Eve who sleeps on a pile of trucker hats and white v-neck t-shirts, and feasts on the phone numbers of cocktail waitresses and part-time models. Could be real. Could just be douchebag folklore, like a Squintsquatch or The Abominable Snowslut. We might never know.”
The reason why Ashton Kutcher is dressed up like Jessie the Cowgirl’s loser ex-boyfriend who sells his Grandma’s pills on Craigslist for a living is because he’s at the Stagecoach Music Festival is happening this weekend in Indio, CA. Stagecoach is kind of like Coachella’s chicken-friend cousin; just swap out the feathered headdresses for cowboy hats and cowboy boots (basically, take Vanessa Hudgens and put her in Tami Taylor drag). But Ashton Kutcher didn’t stop at cowboy hat and cowboy boots. He went full rodeo clown (you never go full rodeo clown) with some Simple Jack coveralls and a neckerchief. All that’s missing is a cap gun and a plastic Sherrif badge, and he’d look like he should be begging his mom for a horsie ride at the grocery store.
Here’s more of Hopalong Kutcher at Stagecoach, along with Mila Kunis, who deserves a 10-minute standing ovation for agreeing to been seen in public with Ashton dressed the way he is. Not to mention the fact that he probably started dropping the Gs from the ends of words and kept referring to Mila as ‘mighty purdy-lookin‘.
Billy Bob Still Checks In On Angelia Jolie
Ah, the halcyon days of the Billy Bob dragon tattoo, how I miss thee. Sometimes I like to imagine, Sliding Doors-style, what it would have been like if Angelina Jolie had stayed with living cadaver Billy Bob Thornton. But then I stop the second I get to the part where a grimy, unsettling sex tape of the two is released, because my stomach isn’t strong enough to handle the mental image of Billy Bob’s emaciated weasel O-face as Angelina slithers around on top of him. What’s it called when you shudder and dry heave at the same time? Whatever it’s called, I just did that hard enough to throw my back out.
But Billy Bob doesn’t have to imagine what it would be like if Angelia was still in his life, because UsWeekly says that Billy Bob talks to his ex-wife all the time. In an interview with relationship site YourTango (which sounds like Grindr for ballroom dancers) when asked whether he still keeps in touch with Our Most Merciful St. Angie, he says:
“Oh of course, yeah. She’s amazing, amazing. She’s got so much energy and so much goodness in her, and we check in on each other all the time. She makes sure I’m doing okay. I make sure she’s doing okay.”
I would love to listen in on one of those conversations. I bet it’s just a prerecorded message of Zahara Jolie-Pitt saying: “Hello, Angelina can’t come to the phone right now because she’s busy with teaching a class in Heaven on Sainthood, but she’s still amazing and filled to full capacity with goodness. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Actually, he probably checks in with Angie the same way most exes do: by texting you at 2am on a Saturday asking “hey girl” followed by “u horny?” followed by a blurry dick pic.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burrito from Taco John’s!
Taco John’s is the Taco Bell of Wisconsin, I guess, with other locations all over the country, and they’ve joined the other fast food gourmet establishments in putting out some disgustingly delicious shit that’ll make your heart burn out of your chest as your bowels fall out of your asshole. (“Eh, that’s just a regular Sunday afternoon for moi.” – John Travolta) Taco John’s is selling the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burrito, which is basically just a ground beef burrito with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and nachos cheese stuffed in it. It’s like a trash food orgy. The nurses who cleaned up the table after Brit Brit birthed out her Cheetolings are looking at that thing while thinking to themselves, “Why does that look so familiar….” It looks like caca, cooch cheese and Brit Brit’s afterbirth. It also kind of looks like what the technician sees when they do an intestinal ultrasound on Mama June.
With all that being said, yes, I’d still put my mouth around it. There’s no Taco John’s near me, but I can still experience the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burrito by shoving a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, a jar of queso and a Del Taco burrito in my mouth. Or I can just light my asshole on fire while punching my chest repeatedly.
(Thanks Gray!)