Lindsay Lohan Is Staying In Rehab For An Extra 3 Days

Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.

TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”

Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!

Pics: Wenn.com

Teresa Giudice And Juicy Joe Each Released On $500,000 Bail

Orange is the New Black’s future cast member Teresa Giudice (or “Teresa Jew Diss” as some reporter on the news said last night) and her husband Not-So-Mighty Joe Young were in a courtroom in Newark, NJ this morning to surrender to federal authorities after they were charged with 39 counts of fraud and overall dumbassery. No word yet if Teresa’s greedy hairline was also charged with grand theft for stealing half of her forehead, turning it into a twohead.

NJ.com says Teresa and Juicy Joe were both released on $500,000 bail each. They both had to surrender their passports and they were told not to leave New Jersey or New York until their next hearing on August 14th. Juicy Joe also has to get drug tested. During the hearing, the judge gave Italy some bad, shitty news. Juicy Joe is not a legal U.S. citizen, so if he’s found guilty, he could be deported back to Italy after serving time here. As Melissa Gorga let out an auto-tuned cackle, the prosecutor listed the maximum prison sentence that those scheming whores could get if they’re convinced. Some counts could get them a maximum of 20 years in the clink and other counts could get them 30 years.

New Jersey’s U.S. Attorney Paul J. Fishman told reporters after the hearing that they haven’t talked about a plea deal situation yet. Juicy Joe’s lawyer kept their lips shut about this mess, but Teresa’s lawyer said that she will plead “not guilty.” You can read the entire 33-page indictment here if you want to know how fucked these two are. But on a positive note, thanks to the layers upon layers of self-tanner (aka sun diarrhea) on Teresa’s skin, she will look glowing and gorgeous in an orange jumpsuit.

Juicy Joe and Teresa’s bond was unsecured, so she didn’t have to grift a bank for the money yet. Actually, she’ll probably take out a fraudulent loan today anyway, because she’s going to need the money to buy black and white Louboutins for prison. And I never noticed this before, but when Teresa pulls her hair back, she looks like she’s wearing a fitted cap made of hair. That IS the look and she should work it in the cell block.

Pics: Wenn

The Time Katy Perry Texed Kristen Stewart To Say That She’s Not Doing RPattz

After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to  KStew).

“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.'”

After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.

Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.

“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”

Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?

And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:

“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”

I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 29th!

Poor people throw spaghetti at the wall to see if it’s done. Goopy takes its temperature. Rectally, of course. – TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

The “Men of Olive Garden” calendar is a resounding flop. – Rockwell

This is what happens when you ask your friend, Paula Deen, to do an Italian themed wedding for you. – Furry_Hunk_Of_Man_Beef

Amanda Bynes’ weave never thought it would be wishing to be back on Amanda Bynes’ head. – daisy100

via Break

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The giant bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken that magically appeared on Aleena Headrick’s front yard Waynesboro, GA!

Last Thursday, Aleena Headrick drove by her front yard and it was as if for one moment of her life she was a knocked up Jessica Simpson and KFC just made their daily delivery to her house, because there was a gigantic Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket sitting there. Aleena thought to herself, “Is this a beautiful dream? Am I hallucinating? Is this the mirage Kirstie Alley sees when she goes for five minutes without stuffing some deep fried deliciousness into her pie hole?” But it wasn’t a Kirstie Alley hallucination. That giant Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket was real and it was sitting in her front yard. Aleena told NBC26 that she had no idea how it got there and figured it was a gift from the ‘Murican gods to her.

Even though the bucket was empty and not full of chicken fried hormones, Aleena still welcomed it and posted it on Facebook. But a quick minute later she found out that the bucket belongs to her landlord. No, her landlord isn’t KFed (who would obviously turn that bucket into a hot tub of gravy). Her landlord is a dude who collects signs and crap. The Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket is over 40 years old and he thinks it’s extra special because it has the words “Kentucky Fried Chicken” on it instead of “KFC.” He plans to stick it on a pole in the front yard. But if for some reason he changes his mind and wants to sell it, Paula Deen will buy it, because she’d love to put it in the front of her restaurant and make Jellyroll jump out of it before throwing watermelon slices at her customers.

And I think my favorite part about this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news story is that it was actually on the news.

Birthday Sluts

Lisa Kudrow (50)
Diana Vickers (22)
Yvonne Strahovski (31)
Hope Solo (32)
Misty May-Treanor (36)
Jaime Pressley (36)
Sandra Diaz-Twine from Survivor (39)
Hilary Swank (39)
Elvis Crespo (42)
Tom Green (42)
Christine Taylor (42)
Christopher Nolan (43)
Simon Baker (44)
Terry Crews (45)
Vivica A. Fox (49)
Alton Brown (51)
Laurence Fishburne (52)
Richard Linklater (53)
Kate Bush (55)
Delta Burke (57)
Ken Olin (59)
Frank Stallone (63)
Jean Reno (65)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (66)
Paul Anka (72)
Peter Bogdanovich (74)