Making LieLo Look Sober Isn’t Easy

It’s not what you think!! Dina Lohan is NOT completely exploded in the brains out of her mind sidewalk licking DRUNK in these pictures. She is just being an excellent mother by trying to distract everyone from the bloated wasted mess in yet another fur (the Salvation Army must have had a clearance sale) that is her daughter Lindsay. Good plan Dina!! Because the first thing I noticed was that your ass was falling off of your heels and you looked about two seconds from throwing down a pile of puke and then face planting into a cactus or whatever plant was handy. Like daughter, like mother. LieLo looks positively fresh and sober in comparison and that is no easy task. Slow clap for 2008’s Mother of the Year!

The pictures were taken on December 30th when they were leaving Cipriani in London. SEE JUDGE? Lindsay said she was going to stay in for New Years Eve (she didn’t) and get her life straight in 2013 (she won’t), so technically, you and the rest of us should be okay with this (we aren’t)!

Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It’s All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift’s Fault!

It was just a few New Year’s Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie’s Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson’s long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!

But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie’s body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don’t know what’s more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven’t had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don’t even know why I asked. Here’s just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:

Dear Taylor,
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.

Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER

I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.

taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff

but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire

If you replaced “Taylor” with “Kelly Taylor,” “Harry” with “Dylan” and “Haylor” with “Dylly,” that’s pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.

But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.

Sofia Vergara’s Piece Got Thrown Out Of An NYE Party In Miami

Latina buttocks activist Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend Nick Loeb was ixnayed from a Miami club early New Year’s Day after they got into some sort of physical altercation. There’s always one insane ass couple at the party bringing their bullshit to the club instead of to the therapist’s couch.

Page Six reports that Al Bundy’s wife from Modern Family was with her cokey sex addict at Miami club Story when he raged out because she was taking a photo with someone he didn’t know. “Pushing and shoving” ensued.

One witness told us, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section.

Apparently Ike didn’t like Tina up on someone else’s Instagram feed. Four security guards gave his bitch ass the bum’s rush out the back, and Sofia followed. Don’t eat the cake, Sofia. By the by, this dude once considered running for a Senate seat in Florida. He’s supposedly crazy rich, but no one’s sure what he does except he started a food-topping company called Onion Crunch. Suspect. Don’t end up being found dead in a vat of whatever the fuck Onion Crunch is, Sofia. The badonka donks of the world need their spokesass.

Well, that’s it for me! Huge thanks to that raunchy slut Michael K. for letting me hang out here again. I send kisses to the beautiful and talented Sweetas. Oh, and shameless plug – I post for Manhunt Daily on the regular. Come by and say hi! Warning – it’s a gay blog and there’s lots of dicks. But I’m guessing that’s not a problem for some of you. Happy New Year!

A Photographer Was Killed Trying To Get A Pic Of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari

And that stoned lesbian woodland creature wasn’t even in it. This is a shame. TMZ reports that a paparazzi photographer was struck by a car and killed yesterday while trying to get a shot of Justin Bieber’s white Ferrari after it was pulled over by the LAPD.

Bieber’s car was being driven by a friend of his and cops had pulled it over on Sepulveda Blvd. The so-far unnamed pap had been following the dickmobile in his own car, pulled up near them, and got out to get a shot. The officers involved had told him to move it along for safety reasons right before he was killed.

The owner of the car that struck the guy wasn’t on drugs or alcohol at the time.

I can’t think of a more depressing death. Google Images gives ya plenty of shots of that car, and him in it. Just use one of those. Same situation, different hat maybe. THE MINISCULE DOUCHE WASN’T EVEN IN THE CAR.

I Know, It’s WAY Too Early In This Year For This Mess

While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin’s body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a “Are you there God? It’s me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!” look of desperation at 1OAK’s New Year’s Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she’s going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there’s nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.

While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher’s old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris’ most prized pig by hosting 1OAK’s New Year’s Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK’s party that so far she hasn’t had a case of the barfs at all:

“I have felt good. I haven’t had any morning sickness, but it still isn’t the easiest. People always say it’s easy and fun. It’s definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I’ve been feeling really good so that’s good.”

Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I’m pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.

And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn’t planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is…well…like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Llama that goes to the Dentist!

Whoever is responsible for this Sesame St segment must have been tripping their balls off! Why the fuck does this girl have a llama in NYC? Why does she bring him to the dentist? Was his appointment before or after Sarah Jessica Parker’s? It’d be easier to decipher the meaning of life than try to figure out what the hell is going on here, but when I was a kid this made me want to move to NYC. If bitches were insane enough to bring farm animals to the dentist, I knew it was the place to be. Given that I saw some bitch walking a rabbit the other day, I was right!