The good news is that I get to write about legendary crazy trick Pia Zadora again. The bad news is that I’m not writing about how Pia Zadora got cast as Amanda Bynes in Lifetime’s biopic You’re Old And Ugly: The Amanda Bynes Saga. Golden Globe award-winning star Pia Zadora is in the news again, because she got arrested in Summerlin, NV on Saturday for allegedly choking her son out before turning the garden hose on him. Note to Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan, this is how true crazy bitches do it.
TMZ says that Pia and her 16-year-old son Jordan got into a fight of words on Friday night after he refused to go to bed. When Jordan wouldn’t go to bed, the future Mother of 2013 took a page out of Joe Jackson’s Book Of Discipline when she brought the crazy on him. While Pia and Jordan kept fighting, her stepson tried to calm her down and she responded by punching and scratching his face. After an hour or two of fighting, Jordan finally decided that enough was enough and he tried to call the police. Jordan claims that as he was calling for help, Pia tried to get the phone out of his hands by choking his neck. When Jordan and his stepbrother went outside to get away from Pia, she sprayed them with the garden hose to get them back inside.
When the police showed up, Pia, Jordan, her stepson and her husband refused to come out of the house to talk to them. So the SWAT Team was called in and they formed a perimeter around the house. Pia eventually came out and admitted that she scratched and choked her son and stepson, but said that she did it by accident. 61-year-old Pia was taken to the Clark County Detention Center and charged with domestic battery and coercion (COERCION!). Before she paid the $4,000 bail and was released, they took that mug shot of her looking like a Tracey Gold Cabbage Patch Doll that got mangled in a washing machine.
And before Pia left the detention center, she taught aerobics to some of the inmates:
This whole story is a wreck. They brought in the SWAT Team for Pia Zadora? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia and her sugar daddy husband tore down the Pickford Mansion, because she thought there were ghosts living inside? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia got G.L.O.W. canceled, because she thought her then husband, who bankrolled the show, was screwing some of the wrestlers?
No, they were right for calling the SWAT Team. We all know how dangerous Pizza Whora is. I mean, we’ve all the seen the musical documentary about her days as the head hag of a terrifying gang of gays:
I’m actually surprised that Pia choked her son out when she could’ve easily subdued him with her jazz hands.
Does this mean that “Follow me on Twitter, you faggots!” is the new “Google me, you dumb fuck“?
The brawl between GLAAD and Amanda Bynes that nobody expected is about to happen, because crazy in a wig called People Magazine “faggots” on Twitter today. I’m sure Amanda will scream that she was hacked, the tweet was mocked-up and it was all Photoshopped. But you know, maybe this tweet was “mocked-up,” because Amanda called People “faggots” instead of “ugly faggots.” Hmmm…
The NYPD investigated Amanda Bynes’ claim that a cop slapped her cooch while arresting her for throwing a bong out the window and decided that she made it all up. A rep for the NYPD said in a statement to Gossip Cop that there’s no evidence to prove that Amanda is telling the truth (Side note: Did they interview her slapped snatch per chance?) and a very credible witness never saw the cops handling her crotch area wrong. Amanda responded on Twitter and surprisingly she didn’t cry, “POLICE COVER-UP,” but she did tweet out some shit that made me laugh and cry at the same time:
My lawyer is getting my case dropped! There was no proof of sexual harassment or drugs. Instead of me asking for the cop to be arrested for sexual harassment, I want my case dropped as well. His punishment will be being the cop who sexually harassed someone who would never find him handsome enough to be my boyfriend. That’s worse than any time in jail. But I am suing him for money compensation. I love having more money in my bank!
Oh, that Amanda’s always looking on the bright side and the bright side is always prettier than you.
Amanda Bynes truly missed her calling. Since she’s obsessed with the American legal system and is always spewing out crazy shit that doesn’t really make sense, she should’ve been a lawyer! Shit, she should’ve been Jodi Arias’ lawyer! Yes, Jodi still would’ve been found guilty, but Amanda would’ve given the jury something to think about by saying, “Jodi is going to spend the rest of her life behind bars, but all of you will spend the rest of your lives trapped behind an ugly face and that’s worse than being in prison! Eww!“
And I’m trying to decide if Amanda’s bangs glasses are the look or not the look?
America’s Soon-To-Be Busiest Plaintiff Is Going To Sue InTouch For Faking Pictures Of Her So-Called Drug Den
And after what felt like weeks of silence, Amanda is awake and is spreading the foolery once again.
Two of InTouch Weekly’s photographers somehow got invited to a party at Amanda Bynes’ Manhattan apartment and while there, they took pictures of her SHOCKING and DISTURBING drug den. Jezebel scanned the pictures and I posted them below, but if you’re expecting to see the floors covered with bloody needles, mountains of coke, the body parts of hitchhikers, broken light bulbs, the carcasses of strung out rats, an overdosed Pete Doherty, empty morning after pill containers, Twilight DVDs (crackheads LOVE watching Twilight) and pieces of burnt foil, you’re going to be disappointed. Because Amanda Bynes’ so-called drug den is a sad excuse for a drug den. My apartment looks more like a drug den than hers does (the leather sofa, empty bags of Hot Fries and apple cinnamon-scented Glade candle gives me away).
Photographer Giovanni Arnold says that Amanda was obviously floating through another world, because she was mentally out of it. All she did was smoke weed, put on her make-up in the bathroom mirror, dance and smoke some more. Giovanni says that the inside of her apartment looked like the inside of Snoop Dogg’s head, because there was weed everywhere. Weed on the bed, weed on the floor, weed on the ceiling, weed on the walls, etc…. But before you go thinking that Amanda Bynes lives in a weed wonderland, Giovanni says she has “bad weed.” All that Nickelodeon money and she’s still buying some shit that’s worse than ditch weed? How dreadful.
Giovanni said that she barely has any furniture and two windows in her living room are spray painted black. So basically, her living room looks like my childhood bedroom when I was going through a goth phase for a second. Giovanni also saw Amanda snorting coke, but she later denied it to InTouch.
Amanda also denies that’s her apartment, body and busted toes. Amanda raged on Twitter tonight and threatened to sue InTouch for committing apartment fraud. Amanda says that they Photoshopped everything.
That’s not my bed! Those aren’t my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that’s not my apartment, those aren’t my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone’s body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that’s not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don’t look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don’t care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!
This ugly faced woman @JessicaFinnNYC is the one who bought fake photos of me & put that picture that looks nothing like me on the cover!
I really hope that some high school drama student acts out that tweet during class, because that monologue of insanity needs to be performed on a stage.
If I was Amanda Bynes, I’d fix my eyebrow situation immediately. After I did that, I’d also sue InTouch for publishing a picture of me with a jacked up joint in my mouth. They’re calling out Amanda’s joint-rolling skills now. It’s serious.
Scottsdale, Arizona is about to lose its title as the customer service capital of the world, because one of the reigning kings of customer service, Samy Bouzaglo of Amy’s Baking Company, might be sent back to his homeland. The U.S. Immigration Department might say the same shit to Samy that Crazy Amy said to a prospective customer: WE DON’T LET SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU HERE!
AZ Central says that Samy, who screamed his way into America’s hearts on the already legendary episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was at a hearing in court yesterday for his ongoing immigration case that was opened 2 years ago. Samy is in danger of being thrown out of the country and sent back to Israel, because he never told immigration about how he spent time in prison for selling drugs and extorting people before he came to the U.S. 13 years ago. If you live in France or Germany, you can smile an extra smile today, because Samy can’t legally enter your country, because he’s banned there.
AZ Central was able to get Samy on the phone to talk about this latest mess in his mess of a life and they said that as he was talking, Crazy Amy kept screaming over him and the two fought a lot. But Samy was able to spit this out:
“The FBI knows all about me…. The IRS knows. I want people to know about me. But not today, not tomorrow. I have nothing to hide.”
Are we sure those words that came out of Samy’s crazy hole and not the lyrics to Lauryn Hill’s next single?
Click here if you need to see a video of Samy acting crazy when a reporter from AZ Central asked him about getting kicked out of the country.
Yesterday, Samy and Crazy Amy (born name: Crazy Amanda) re-opened Amy’s Baking Company and they said they had over 1,500 reservations for the week, but barely anybody showed up. Their re-opening was a flop and the people that did show up (to see Crazy Amy’s “lion on meth” crazy eyes in person) were turned away for not having a reservation. And then, Samy and Crazy Amy released this “press release” before their re-opening:
SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 — Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.
Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.
When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.
CYBER BULLYING! For being dumb bitches, they really are a couple of crazy geniuses.
In case you you’ve been hungry for a small dollop of insanity from America’s favorite gourmet couple Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who put the nightmare in Kitchen Nightmares, here’s a video of what happened when CBS 5 News tried to ask them about their Facebook meltdown. Surprisingly enough, Amy didn’t open the door, snatch that reporter and try to resell her to a human trafficking ring, because that’s what America’s all about. Amy dribbled out some insanity about how the news crew was trespassing and the FBI is looking into the “hacking” of their Facebook account. Maybe Crazy Amy is telling the truth, because if I was an FBI agent, I’d investigate that mess, but only so I can interview her and take in her crazy live and in person.
Then Samy came out and rambled out more nonsense before Amy screamed at him to come inside. They’re the gift that keeps on giving until they’re eventually dragged away to the mental institution.
In other Crazy Amy news, a lady who used to be a server at Amy’s Bakery did an AMA on Reddit and said that Amy went to prison for identity fraud for 14 months.
In Amy’s defense, if I was her, I’d want to be someone else too.