Very Important Update: Pia Zadora Is Out Of The Hospital!

You can get up off  your knees now (I bet you hear that a lot, but it’s usually said by a cop after catching you giving a beej in the bushes, you slut!) and everyone can stop spending every waking second praying for Pia. Because America’s true sweetheart (yeah, sorry JLaw and Chris Pratt) is out of the hospital and is on her way to making a full recovery. Typing those words is an even better feeling than deleting that goddamn U2 album from my iTunes.

Pia Zadora ended up in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital in Las Vegas last Thursday after she was involved in a freak golf cart accident. Pia was a passenger in a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan (the same one who called the cops on her after she allegedly choked him out during a fight) and when he made a sharp turn, she went flying out of that thing and busted her head. Pia was treated for a serious head injury and a jacked up ankle. Pia’s rep released a statement to The Las Vegas Sun yesterday saying that she’s out of the hospital and is planning to get her ankle operated on in L.A. next week.

Finally, some good news. This world can’t afford to lose another LEGEND! Yes, Pia is a legend. She’s a little bit of heaven here on Earth (and no, I don’t know what the shit is going on in that video below. I think that’s what the Scientology initiation ceremony looks like).

Pic: Twitter

Prayer Circle For Pia Zadora!

Every morning when I wake up, I pray to Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Bea Arthur and all of the other Gods to please gift the world with a new Pia Zadora story. But I want them to gift us with a GOOD story about Pia Zadora like how she realized she made a terrible mistake by getting GLOW (Glamorous Ladies Of Wrestling) canceled and is righting that wrong by bringing it back. Or a story about how Hollywood has realized that Hollywood needs more Pia Zadora and has greenlit a gigantic-budget sequel to The Lonely Lady. Pia Zadora is in the news again but it’s not for something good. Damn you, Gods!

The Las Vegas Sun says that America’s most underrated jewel of pure glamour is laid up in ICU at University Medical Center in Las Vegas with a head injury and a compound fracture of her right ankle. Pia’s husband Mike Jeffries says that she had bleeding on her brain and she’s been in and out of consciousness, but she’s doing better. Mike says that Pia was left in a bad way after falling out of a golf cart near her home in Summerlin, NV on Thursday evening. Pia was thrown from a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan as he made a sharp left turn.

Jordan has been arrested and the cops have destroyed the golf cart, burned it and its ashes are currently lying in a pile on Pia’s driveway for people to stop by and spit on it for playing a huge part in this sad event. No, none of that happened, but it should happen.

Pia was in the news last year when she got arrested for allegedly choking Jordan and scratching her stepson’s face during a messy fight. And now she’s in the ICU because Jordan made a sharp left turn. Hmmm, I hope the FBI has dispatched Detective La Toya to Summerlin, NV, because she really needs to get to the bottom of this.

Pia was supposed to perform at Piero’s Italian Restaurant this weekend, but that show’s been canceled, obviously.

I will spend my entire Saturday praying in front of my Pia Zadora saint candle while listening to her entire discography. Pia needs to be one hundred percent again so she can keep serving up hotness like this:

Pia Zadora’s Name Is FINALLY In The News Again

The good news is that I get to write about legendary crazy trick Pia Zadora again. The bad news is that I’m not writing about how Pia Zadora got cast as Amanda Bynes in Lifetime’s biopic You’re Old And Ugly: The Amanda Bynes Saga. Golden Globe award-winning star Pia Zadora is in the news again, because she got arrested in Summerlin, NV on Saturday for allegedly choking her son out before turning the garden hose on him. Note to Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan, this is how true crazy bitches do it.

TMZ says that Pia and her 16-year-old son Jordan got into a fight of words on Friday night after he refused to go to bed. When Jordan wouldn’t go to bed, the future Mother of 2013 took a page out of Joe Jackson’s Book Of Discipline when she brought the crazy on him. While Pia and Jordan kept fighting, her stepson tried to calm her down and she responded by punching and scratching his face. After an hour or two of fighting, Jordan finally decided that enough was enough and he tried to call the police. Jordan claims that as he was calling for help, Pia tried to get the phone out of his hands by choking his neck. When Jordan and his stepbrother went outside to get away from Pia, she sprayed them with the garden hose to get them back inside.

When the police showed up, Pia, Jordan, her stepson and her husband refused to come out of the house to talk to them. So the SWAT Team was called in and they formed a perimeter around the house. Pia eventually came out and admitted that she scratched and choked her son and stepson, but said that she did it by accident. 61-year-old Pia was taken to the Clark County Detention Center and charged with domestic battery and coercion (COERCION!). Before she paid the $4,000 bail and was released, they took that mug shot of her looking like a Tracey Gold Cabbage Patch Doll that got mangled in a washing machine.

And before Pia left the detention center, she taught aerobics to some of the inmates:

This whole story is a wreck. They brought in the SWAT Team for Pia Zadora? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia and her sugar daddy husband tore down the Pickford Mansion, because she thought there were ghosts living inside? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia got G.L.O.W. canceled, because she thought her then husband, who bankrolled the show, was screwing some of the wrestlers?

No, they were right for calling the SWAT Team. We all know how dangerous Pizza Whora is. I mean, we’ve all the seen the musical documentary about her days as the head hag of a terrifying gang of gays:

I’m actually surprised that Pia choked her son out when she could’ve easily subdued him with her jazz hands.