Roll out the fainting couch, grab that soothing eye mask from the freezer and bust open some tissues, because bailamos, everyone. Nothing is forbidden anymore. Yes, after taking so many pure souls from us already, the ghouls that haunt 2016 just sharted on one of the last beacons of ride or die romance with today’s announcement that T.I. (Government name: Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr.) and wife of 6 years, Tameka “Tiny” Cottle are quitting one another.
So that’s why I got a warm feeling deep down in my soul that the world had just gotten a little more gorgeous this weekend. Yeah, that feeling on my insides was probably my heart tightening from the six Mr. Munchy chocolate bunnies I ate, but I’d rather pretend it was triggered by Tameka “Tiny” Harris-née Cottle passing on her teacup Mariah Carey genes to another little girl.
UsWeekly says that Tiny’s husband and honor-defender of almost 16 years, T.I., announced on Facebook that she had given birth to their third child together/seventh in total on Sunday. Baby Tiny is their first daughter; she joins their two sons, 11-year-old Clifford “King” Joseph Harris III and 7-year-old Major Philant. They have four other children from previous relationships.
According to T.I., the reason Baby Tiny’s birth announcement happened on something as basic and tacky as Facebook was because he was out of town when Tiny gave birth in Georgia, and he wasn’t able to get home before a bunch of blabbermouths (like Tiny’s niece) spilled the new baby news all over social media. Good lord, how next-level RUDE. Don’t they understand that by running their mouths about T.I. and Tiny’s baby, they effectively denied the rest of us of an expertly-lit and airbrushed Instagram birth announcement portrait like the picture above?
Not much else is known about T.I. and Tiny’s third baby together. But because Tiny is, well, tiny, I’m going to assume the baby was so tiny it came out of her Botoxed vagina wearing a red blood cell as a hat and riding a partially-digested Fatburger french fry that got lost in her uterus on its way to her stomach.
They also haven’t announced what their new baby’s name is, but as of right now they’re calling it “#Lucky7″. I’m sure it’s just a place holder until they decide on something more permanent. But honestly, if ~unique~ baby names keep going the way they’ve been going, there is a chance that #Lucky7 might be that baby’s name. I’d actually be 100% supportive of such a name; any baby that shares DNA with one-half of Tiny and Toya is the definition of #Lucky.
Vibe says that last week, T.I.’s wife Tiny Harris was promoting her Vh1 reality show and some people noticed that her usually brown eyes looked like they were attacked by a colored contacts booth at the swap meet. Trick had alien snow lemur eyes. T.I. was also asked about Tiny’s brand new eye color during a radio interview and he played dumb. Yesterday, Tiny confirmed that she made her brown eyes the official new color of bad decisions (aka ice grey) by throwing up that picture and a note on Instagram. (She later deleted it.) Tiny also wet farted up a longer note where she admitted that she got some back alley non-FDA approved procedure where some doctor implanted some color-changing shit into her irises. Tiny’s dream has come true and I guess her dream is to go blind.
I permanently changed my eye color with Brightocular and lovin it!! Thank you Dr. Montasser Menif for the amazing experience and for making my dream come true! I hated wearing contacts just for the color and it made my vision blurry! Blessed to say my vision is #perfect after my #ice-gray implants! Special thanks to #Spencer Vessa for ALL that you’ve done to make this process happen, you’re amaZing & thank you #Faiza for your exceptional customer service
On Brightocular’s website, they say that procedure takes 30 minutes total and involves a silicone iris implant getting shoved into each eye. They say it’s practically risk free and the implant can always be taken out. But Dr. James Tsai, a glaucoma specialist at Yale University, tells The Grio that those shady Brightocular hos are serving up a whole lot of lies. He says the procedure hasn’t been approved by the FDA and that complications include fun things like scarring of the cornea, glaucoma, cataracts and blindness. He says that in one case, when a patient had her implants removed, it ripped her iris and her eyes are forever screwed up.
Without my glasses or contacts, I can’t see a damn thing. I mean, I know dick and if you waved a dick in my face while I didn’t have my seeing tools on, I’d probably say, “Why are you waving that butternut squash at me.” It’s that serious. I’ve thought about getting that LASIK shit, because I know some people who have gotten it and are in major love with the results, but I’m still scared I’d be the one whore who goes blind from it. So to me, this messy Brightocular shit seems as dangerous to your eyes as watching Mini-Me’s sex tape while sober is. But it’s Tiny’s eyes and I guess she figures that if she goes blind, at least she’ll still look ~cute~.
But really, Brightocular’s website is jankier than Dlisted (and that’s saying a lot). How in the hell can Tiny put her eyeballs into the hands of a company who still uses a website tracking counter in the year 2014?!
And after the cut are more pictures of Tiny looking like Dotty from the Get Along Gang with cataracts:
When rapper T.I. got into a fist-fight with boxer Floyd Mayweather in Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend, neither would say why they decided to go all Street Fighter in a Fatburger, but everybody shanked a side-eye over to T.I.’s wife Tiny Harris and assumed that pocket-sized troublemaking muppet had something to do with it. At the time, TMZ speculated that the fight broke out because Tiny had posted a selfie with Floyd’s daughter on Instagram, and that pissed T.I. off. But again, nobody knew why it would piss him off. It was truly a mystery worthy of Jessica Fletcher or Detective La Toya.
Now nearly 2 months later, Floyd Mayweather has come forward to admit that the fight was not, in fact, over the a strawnana shake, as I had previously guessed. TMZ says that during a press conference for an upcoming fight (a legit fight, not a messy drunk brawl in a Fatburger) a reporter shouted out “What about T.I.?”, to which Floyd responded:
“What about the bitch? I was fucking his bitch.”
TINY, NO!!!!…is what I would say if believed that Floyd Mayweather even had the skills to seduce the elegant melted Mariah Carey candle that is Tiny Harris. Tiny ain’t no round-the-way ho like the tricks from Nuttin’ Nyce; Tiny was in Xscape, and Xscape was all kinds of classy. Do you think this bitch sleeps with just anyone? Exactly.
And if T.I. reacts anywhere nearly as strongly as he did the last time someone talked shit about his wife, we’re about 24-hours away from another next-level bonkers Instagram rant, and frankly, I can’t wait. T.I. is the poetic genius who gave us “musty-mouthed syphilis-lipped ugly-ass gremlin baby”, so I look forward to what he has in store to describe Floyd. I’m hoping something like “shit-scooting clap-dripping trash-ass ghoulie fetus”.
That Model Magic-faced troublemaking Muppet is at it again! Less than a month after an Instagram picture of Tameka “Tiny” Cottle instigated a fight between T.I. and boxer Floyd Mayweather that turned into an ugly Memorial Day chair-throwing Fatburger brawl, she’s found herself in the middle of yet another one of her husband’s fights, this time with full-time professional crazy Internet person (and sometime rapper) Azealia Banks. Billboard says that it all started after the release of T.I.’s single with Iggy Azalea, “No Mediocre”, to which Azealia Cupholder Full of Loose Change Tweeted (then deleted):
“U want no mediocre but…Have you seen your wife?”
RUDE! Tiny Cottle is the very definition of remarkable and extraordinary, you jealous hag. Naturally a statement that nasty would make anyone want to reply back: “Bitch, have you seen how long it’s taking you to release an album??”, but T.I. took the high road and said nothing. This must have pissed off Azealia even more, because she kept taking swipes at T.I. and Tiny in an insanely bold Twitter rant on Tuesday (which has since been deleted, because Azealia has a hard time releasing stuff) but thankfully Billboard hit ctrl+C before she did. This shit is long and messy, so it’s after the break:
Since I’m a Canadian person, I don’t really know what “Memorial Day” is, but to the best of my knowledge, it’s about about honoring those who dedicated their lives to serving their country, and also eating burgers and getting drunk and making those Cool Whip American flag cakes. But I don’t think I remember the part where two assholes get into a fistfight a Fatburger, like rapper T.I. and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. did on Sunday in Las Vegas (although they do have the burger part of the Memorial Day equation, so I’ll give them that).
TMZ says the fight started after T.I.’s melted Mariah Carey wife Tameka “Tiny” Cottle posted a picture to Instagram of her and Floyd’s daughter, where she referred to her as “my new boo”. Apparently T.I. took this as a sign that Tiny was cozying up to Justin Bieber’s boo and that it disrespected him, so he went to confront Floyd (apparently his logic got a 3-day weekend too).
Obviously, this went about as well as you’d imagine an argument over an Instagram picture would go. It begins with Floyd telling T.I. to “control your bitch“, which turned into chairs being thrown around like balls in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese, as seen here:
TMZ also has a video of what sort-of looks like T.I. going for Floyd’s neck, but it could also be two teenagers fighting over a Fatburger strawnana shake. Shortly after the fight broke out, the police were called, but T.I. had already left and Floyd was getting in to his car. A Fatburger employee was allegedly cut up during the fight, but they aren’t talking and refuse to press charges. DUH! If that’s how T.I. reacts to an Instagram picture of his wife posing with an 11-year-old, I can only imagine what would happen if you ratted him out to the cops.
And we need to start watching our backs around Instagram, because it’s quickly turning into the shady shit-disturbing bitch we all knew in high school who had dirt on everyone. “Oh yeah? Well according to Instagram, you had a pretty good time at the mall with Stacy last night!”