Whenever you’re outside and inhale a stank cloud of something that smells like a used tampon marinating in a cow’s hot b-hole, you would probably be one hundred percent correct if you said, “Hmm, I think Brad Pitt was just here!” “Brad Pitt’s armpit fumes could burn the hair off a pig’s snout” is a story older than time, but America’s foremost literary journal of truth The National Enquirer says that his pits will soon be declared weapons of mass destruction, because he’s completely stopped using deodorant and soap.
Some source says that since Brad Pitt is of the land and all green and shit, he has crapped on soaps and deodorants, and is using a natural potion of lemon, water and apple cider vinegar to rinse the thick layer of pore cheese off his body. Bitch probably smells like a caesar salad that’s been left out in the sun too long. The source claims that Brad’s stank is stankier than ever and whenever he’s home, the child army puts on gas masks and Super Glues Little Trees to his body.
“Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap – especially the antibacterial ones – and feels that using them and antiperspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans. But Angie was revolted, and their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy.’ Angie agreed to humor him only as long as they weren’t on the same continent.”
The source also says that when St. Angie and Brad met up in Hong Kong recently, she made him take a bubble bath. (Why am I picturing that scene from Beethoven’s Big Break when they try to give Beethoven’s dirty, filthy, slobbery ass a bath and he escapes? More importantly, why am I admitting that I’ve seen Beethoven’s Big Break?)
Brad Pitt probably thinks he’s helping out the environment by not using soap, but he’s not. It’s only a matter of time before the coagulated jelly in his ass crack and the layer of meaty fromage around his peen mutates and emotes a toxic stench that will make every living thing choke and die. Isn’t that how Z for Zachariah started?
While looking like Alf’s busted, creepy, drunk uncle who always gets kicked out of restaurants for giving the shocker to lady servers, Sean Penn presented Julia Roberts with the Hollywood supporting actress award (for August: Osage County) at the Hollywood Film Awards in L.A. last night. During his drunken, messy speech, Sean, who looks like a German Shepherd’s swollen testicle (do not Google that), told the audience that one of Julia’s talents is that she looks sexy while chomping on food in front of a camera. Eat, Pray, Love is like hardcore porn to Sean Penn. Julia Roberts does have the 9″ dick of teefs, so if you’re going to get off from watching someone eat, I guess it’d be her. As audience members tried to keep their food down from thinking of Sean jacking it to Julia nibbling on a carrot, he said this:
“[She] is one of the select group of actresses who can make on-screen eating sexy … I could watch her eat … for hours on end, even if the food got stuck in her teeth. I want her to make an eating movie in 3-D, but the interactive supplies not only the 3-D glasses, but also a virtual toothpick with which I could collect souvenirs correcting my insomnia with the comfort of those virtual morsels kept carefully beneath my pillow.”
Nasty fuck! Keep your NOT RIGHT fetishes to yourself, Sucio Penn! I’ve seen some nasty, filthy, dark-sided shit (see: pretty much every show on TLC) before, but nothing is grosser and nastier than picturing Sean Penn playing himself while licking his TV screen as Julia Roberts chews on a piece of pizza in slow motion.
When you get really stoned with a friend and eat cheeseburgers together, you probably ask them if you can give them a hand job. That’s normal behavior! But when Sean and Julia get stoned together, he probably asks her if he can suck the half chewed hamburger meat out of her horse teeth. Sean Penn wants be reincarnated as Julia Roberts’ toothpick. That gross, kinky piece of trash!
I don’t know if the anchors of WFSB in Hartford, CT share a joint before going on air, but if they do, they need to turn their dealer into the authorities and switch dealers immediately, because they’re smoking some wrong shit that is making them do crazy ass things like eat a random pile of something off of the floor.
This morning, weatherman Scot Haney was sitting at the desk with the anchors when he noticed some shit on the floor that he thought was Grape Nuts and his brain sent his hand the message, “Put that in mouth.” Scot put it in his mouth, chewed on it for a while and realized that yes, Grape Nuts usually taste like the dried remains of a zombie, but whatever was in his mouth tasted like death’s dirty ass. Turns out it wasn’t Grape Nuts, it was barf out of his pussy’s mouth.
Scot Haney came back from break and made viewers dry heave by telling them that his cat barfed at home and he unknowingly stepped on it. With the cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe, Scot walked to his car, drove to the station, walked through the parking lot and then left piles of that mess everywhere.
I don’t even know….
If you eat some shit off the floor without sniffing it first, you might be a Spears. Who, besides really dumb toddlers and goats, thinks it’s okay to eat crap off a floor that isn’t in your house? Dude didn’t only put dried cat barf in his mouth. He also put whatever stuck to that cat barf (examples: hobo pubes, rat cum, roach poop, etc…) while he walked to his car. Even if it was Grape Nuts, that’s still all sorts of ICK NAST, because eating Grape Nuts without sugar is disgusting.
While on his way to work, Scot probably saw a discarded needle lying on the ground, picked it and injected whatever was in that shit into his veins. That might explain this.
35-year-old Robert Hunter of Middlesborough, England (Side note: Is Middlesborough the Florida of England, because when I first read this headline I said, “Oh, Florida” to myself) will spend the next 14 years in a prison cell, because he was convicted of getting underage girls to strip for him after he told them he was Justin Bieber. This is like the illegal dark-sided version of my 19-year-old self meeting “Chad Allen” in an AOL m4m chat room and really believing it was him. Okay, it wasn’t an AOL m4m chat room, it was Grindr. And it wasn’t when I was 19, it was last week.
The BBC (via Radar) says that prosecutors told the court that for years, Robert Hunter met underage kids online and pretended to be Justin Bieber. Robert Hunter told his victims that he, Justin Bieber, would be their boyfriend if they took off their clothes in front of their webcams. He then used those videos of the girls to get underage boys to do the same thing for him. Then he used the videos from boys to lure in more girls. If one of his victims tried to back out, he threatened to expose them on social networks. Prosecutors say that one 12-year-old cut herself after Robert Hunter posted her pictures and phone number on Facebook.
After years of going after kids all over the world, Robert Hunter finally got caught when a girl realized something in the milk was a pedo and called the police.
Robert Hunter pleaded guilty to 15 charges of inciting a child to engage in sexual activity and 14 of making indecent photos.
And as always, The Onion predicted this shit.
Now if only his potty trainers can get him to piss in an actual toilet next time.
Society’s floating toilet turd that refuses to flush continued to be the second hardest member of the Hood Rat Stuff Gang (the hardest member is obviously its founder Latarian Milton) when he pissed into a mop bucket in a restaurant kitchen after getting drunk in some club in NYC. I don’t know what’s a more tragic image: the Biebs pissing into a mop bucket while wearing diaper pants full of a hot load or Charlotte York’s second husband being forced to watch this sucio foolery go down.
In the video, which TMZ says was shot earlier this year, the KFed of yodeling fetuses stops to piss in the bucket and then screams “fuck Bill Clinton” while spraying window cleaner at a picture of Billy. There’s a double dose of SHOCK in this video, because it’s surprising that: a) the Biebs can pee without sitting down and; b) he actually knows who Bill Clinton is.
Here’s the video and you might need to take the rest of the day off since you will overdose on badassery while watching it:
Hopefully, the pour soul who had to deal with that bucket knew there was Bieber piss in there, because they could bottle that mess up and sell it for thousands of dollars a pop on eBay. Beliebers will bathe in it, brush their teeth with it, wash their hair with it, douche with it, gargle with it, cuddle with it, marry it and on and on and on. It’d be like Dr. Bronner’s for Beliebers!
Remember when barf trickled out of your ears when your brain continuously vomited after seeing pictures of Hulk Hogan lotion-ing up his grown daughter’s ass? Then remember when your soul cried itself into the fetal position after his phone rang in his sex tape and his ring tone was Brooke’s song? Well, here’s another nugget from Hulk Hogan that will give you the full body dry heaves. Hulk tweeted this picture of his daughter Brooke Hogan and added the caption: “Brooke’s legs.“
This sick ass exploding hot dog in a bandanna motherfucker. (“Don’t you mean daughterfu...” – you “Stop right there.” – me) It’s one thing for Hulk Hogan to drool all over his daughter, but it’s another to let everyone else know that he drools over Brooke’s legs. And when Hulk drools over Brooke’s legs, I don’t even want to know what he does with that drool. Just like simple math, that’s a place my brain never wants to go.
Bronson Pelletier used to be known as “WHO?!” or that dude from Twilight and now he’s known as that drunk, dirty, sick motherfucker who pissed in the middle of LAX. Well, I guess being known as the dude who drunk pissed in the airport is better than being known as a dude from Twilight. So well, played, I mean, well peed, Bronson!
Last week, TMZ scooped CNN by breaking the highly important news story of how Bronson Pelletier was arrested for being a drunken mess at LAX. Brosnon was pulled off of his flight, because the pilot declared him way too messed up on the sweet nectar to fly. It was a good call, because if he wasn’t pulled off of that flight, he would’ve pissed in the aisle like he was R. Kelly and that plane floor was an underage girl, and every passenger would’ve gotten ten whiffs of beer-infused bladder water. Right after Bronson was kicked off the plane, he pulled out his weapon and pissed…. and pissed…. and pissed… and pissed…. and pissed until his extra long pee time was cut short by an officer who tackled him to the ground. The officer didn’t even let him shake!
At the time of his arrest, Bronson denied giving a golden shower show in the middle of the airport, but since the video has come out, his spokeswhore says he realizes he has a problem and is going to go to rehab to deal with his issues with booze and with getting piss happy in public.
You know, after watching that pissy mess of a video, I am so proud of myself for never being so damn drunk that an officer had to put my shit back into my panties after tackling me to the ground, because I made a pee pee all over the carpet. You should be proud of yourself too if you’ve never done that.
And yeah they could’ve cleaned that puddle of bad decisions up with a Bissel pet cleaner, but an easier way to clean it up would’ve been to let the Twihards in. Bronson Pelletier has been on the same set as Robert Pattinson. So there’s a chance he pissed in the urinal next to RPattz’s urinal. So there’s a chance some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes floated over to Bronson’s peen. So there’s a chance that some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes got on that airport carpet when Bronson did a #1 on it. Tell that to a Twihard, back up and let their wet vacuum coochie go to work.
RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.
Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.“
And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.
Snookitina was on Chelsea Lately (via UsWeekly) last night, which is sort of surprising since Chelsea has spit lukewarm hate at her before, but then again Chelsea hates on everything that isn’t a delicious bottle of vodka or Jennifer Aniston’s vagine. But Xtina said she only agreed to go on Chelsea Lately if Chelsea went pant-less, because Chelsea always makes fun of her for being allergic to pants. So there’s Chelsea sitting pant-less in a chair and Xtina just had to double the UGH by telling everyone she always lets her down low parts flap in the wind.
“I don’t like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am. It’s empowering. It’s pussy power!”
It’s “empowering” for Xtina, but weird for the people who now know that whenever they stand around her they’re going to breath in the moist air her coochie breathes out. Who needs a humidifier when you’ve got Xtina’s misty poon?
I totally understand why Xtina doesn’t even bother with chonies. Drunktina is always boozed up and when you’re boozed up, panties just get in the way when you need to squat a piss out behind a dumpster in the Carl’s Jr. parking lot you made your piece drive into because your drunk bladder can’t wait until you get home. Besides, Xtina has so much pussy power down there that her labia rips off all panties. Bitch has got the Hulk of twats.
With all that being said, I CAN’T with Xtina for quoting the legendary Alexyss K. Tylor without giving credit.
Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.
There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.
There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.
Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:
“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”
Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.