Suicide Squad comes out in 4 months, so Warner Bros. is really going to go hard and bareback bone our brains with the idea that Jared Leto was so CRAZY and so METHOD during shooting. We’ve already been told that Jared Leto got so into the mind of the Joker while filming that he went full-throttle method (served in a condom made of 100% sarcasm) and sent the cast a dead pig and gave Margot Robbie a live rat. Well, Jared and the cast are still trying to prove to us that the word “method” should be changed to “Leto” since he redefined it. They claim that Jared also gifted them with a couple of things found in a gift bag from Kanye West’s birthday party: anal beads and used condoms.
Running Wild with Bear Grylls is supposed to be a show where he and a celebrity type go out into the wild and he shows them how to survive using what’s around (and in) them. But it’s really a nasty fetish show for sick fucks. Even the makers of Japanese game shows watch that crap and heave.
On Monday night’s episode, Michelle Rodriguez was on and Bear Grylls showed her how to make a gourmet meal out of a dead mouse and her own piss. Michelle supposedly dated Colin Farrell at one point, so she’s put dirty things in her mouth before, but this is a new level of sick. Bear and Michelle were conveniently out of water, so they had to cook the mouse in her boiled pee. After they ate the mouse, Bear didn’t want to let the rodent and bladder juice broth go to waste so he drank it up. I once ate a beef burrito I bought from a rest stop vending machine, so I’m not one to judge about disgusting food, but these nasty messes are rich and don’t have to do this (unless they really want to).
Add a cup of pit sweat and that mouse and piss stew would be like the subway in a bowl.
And Bear Grylls needs to stop acting like he’s grossed out by pee, because sick bastard uses it to “survive” whenever he gets a chance. We get it and we know it, Bear Grylls. You’re a urinal breath-having piss queen. There’s no need to play.
Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.
A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.
It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!
The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):
“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”
Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.
UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:
I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.
I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?
I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Oh, the 1960s were a simpler time when NASA used LSD to get dolphins to speak English and researchers regularly jerked dolphin leche out of dolphins. Dolphins getting hand jobs and free LSD? What Charlie Sheen wouldn’t give to be a dolphin in the 60s.
In the BBC documentary “The Girl Who Talked To Dolphins” (more like “The Girl Who Jacked Off Flipper’s Relatives“), former NASA researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt talks about how in the 1960s she was a part of some experiment where dolphins were sometimes shot up with LSD to learn how to speak to humans. Margaret got close to a dolphin named Peter and she got real close to Peter’s peter. Peter was a horny teenage trick and would always rub himself on Margaret’s body. After a while, Margaret just went with it and helped that horny dolphin get off and that may or may not have involved dirty dolphin talk (example: “eeeee eeeee ee eee eee ee eeee”). via the NYDN (via Gawker)
“Peter liked to be … with me. He would rub himself on my knee, my foot or my hand and I allowed that. I wasn’t uncomfortable — as long as it wasn’t too rough. It was just easier to incorporate that and let it happen, it was very precious and very gentle, Peter was right there, he knew that I was right there. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch, just get rid of that scratch and we would be done and move on.”
She’s not right for comparing it to an itch, because when I get an itch and scratch it, I don’t end up with a handful of dolphin jizz. But thank you, BBC, for letting me know that dolphins are getting more action than me.
I wonder if at any point Margaret looked at Horny Peter’s open-mouthed, excited dolphin face as he humped her thigh the same way Justin Bieber humps the thigh of a trick when he can’t find her coochie and thought to herself, “I work for NASA and I am a humanized dolphin hump toy. I am living the dream.” And somewhere Pimp Mama Kris is thinking to herself, “Pfft! Big deal! My girls once sucked off all the Dolphins and you don’t see them starring in a BBC documentary about it. Hmmm, that gives me an idea.”
Here’s the clip of Margaret remembering the time a dolphin humped her.
Since we’re on the subject of serious science stuff, does anyone know where I can go to remove the part of my brain that thought it was a good idea to Google “dolphin porn” for this highly important story?
Whenever you’re outside and inhale a stank cloud of something that smells like a used tampon marinating in a cow’s hot b-hole, you would probably be one hundred percent correct if you said, “Hmm, I think Brad Pitt was just here!” “Brad Pitt’s armpit fumes could burn the hair off a pig’s snout” is a story older than time, but America’s foremost literary journal of truth The National Enquirer says that his pits will soon be declared weapons of mass destruction, because he’s completely stopped using deodorant and soap.
Some source says that since Brad Pitt is of the land and all green and shit, he has crapped on soaps and deodorants, and is using a natural potion of lemon, water and apple cider vinegar to rinse the thick layer of pore cheese off his body. Bitch probably smells like a caesar salad that’s been left out in the sun too long. The source claims that Brad’s stank is stankier than ever and whenever he’s home, the child army puts on gas masks and Super Glues Little Trees to his body.
“Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap – especially the antibacterial ones – and feels that using them and antiperspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans. But Angie was revolted, and their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy.’ Angie agreed to humor him only as long as they weren’t on the same continent.”
The source also says that when St. Angie and Brad met up in Hong Kong recently, she made him take a bubble bath. (Why am I picturing that scene from Beethoven’s Big Break when they try to give Beethoven’s dirty, filthy, slobbery ass a bath and he escapes? More importantly, why am I admitting that I’ve seen Beethoven’s Big Break?)
Brad Pitt probably thinks he’s helping out the environment by not using soap, but he’s not. It’s only a matter of time before the coagulated jelly in his ass crack and the layer of meaty fromage around his peen mutates and emotes a toxic stench that will make every living thing choke and die. Isn’t that how Z for Zachariah started?
While looking like Alf’s busted, creepy, drunk uncle who always gets kicked out of restaurants for giving the shocker to lady servers, Sean Penn presented Julia Roberts with the Hollywood supporting actress award (for August: Osage County) at the Hollywood Film Awards in L.A. last night. During his drunken, messy speech, Sean, who looks like a German Shepherd’s swollen testicle (do not Google that), told the audience that one of Julia’s talents is that she looks sexy while chomping on food in front of a camera. Eat, Pray, Love is like hardcore porn to Sean Penn. Julia Roberts does have the 9″ dick of teefs, so if you’re going to get off from watching someone eat, I guess it’d be her. As audience members tried to keep their food down from thinking of Sean jacking it to Julia nibbling on a carrot, he said this:
“[She] is one of the select group of actresses who can make on-screen eating sexy … I could watch her eat … for hours on end, even if the food got stuck in her teeth. I want her to make an eating movie in 3-D, but the interactive supplies not only the 3-D glasses, but also a virtual toothpick with which I could collect souvenirs correcting my insomnia with the comfort of those virtual morsels kept carefully beneath my pillow.”
Nasty fuck! Keep your NOT RIGHT fetishes to yourself, Sucio Penn! I’ve seen some nasty, filthy, dark-sided shit (see: pretty much every show on TLC) before, but nothing is grosser and nastier than picturing Sean Penn playing himself while licking his TV screen as Julia Roberts chews on a piece of pizza in slow motion.
When you get really stoned with a friend and eat cheeseburgers together, you probably ask them if you can give them a hand job. That’s normal behavior! But when Sean and Julia get stoned together, he probably asks her if he can suck the half chewed hamburger meat out of her horse teeth. Sean Penn wants be reincarnated as Julia Roberts’ toothpick. That gross, kinky piece of trash!
I don’t know if the anchors of WFSB in Hartford, CT share a joint before going on air, but if they do, they need to turn their dealer into the authorities and switch dealers immediately, because they’re smoking some wrong shit that is making them do crazy ass things like eat a random pile of something off of the floor.
This morning, weatherman Scot Haney was sitting at the desk with the anchors when he noticed some shit on the floor that he thought was Grape Nuts and his brain sent his hand the message, “Put that in mouth.” Scot put it in his mouth, chewed on it for a while and realized that yes, Grape Nuts usually taste like the dried remains of a zombie, but whatever was in his mouth tasted like death’s dirty ass. Turns out it wasn’t Grape Nuts, it was barf out of his pussy’s mouth.
Scot Haney came back from break and made viewers dry heave by telling them that his cat barfed at home and he unknowingly stepped on it. With the cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe, Scot walked to his car, drove to the station, walked through the parking lot and then left piles of that mess everywhere.
I don’t even know….
If you eat some shit off the floor without sniffing it first, you might be a Spears. Who, besides really dumb toddlers and goats, thinks it’s okay to eat crap off a floor that isn’t in your house? Dude didn’t only put dried cat barf in his mouth. He also put whatever stuck to that cat barf (examples: hobo pubes, rat cum, roach poop, etc…) while he walked to his car. Even if it was Grape Nuts, that’s still all sorts of ICK NAST, because eating Grape Nuts without sugar is disgusting.
While on his way to work, Scot probably saw a discarded needle lying on the ground, picked it and injected whatever was in that shit into his veins. That might explain this.
35-year-old Robert Hunter of Middlesborough, England (Side note: Is Middlesborough the Florida of England, because when I first read this headline I said, “Oh, Florida” to myself) will spend the next 14 years in a prison cell, because he was convicted of getting underage girls to strip for him after he told them he was Justin Bieber. This is like the illegal dark-sided version of my 19-year-old self meeting “Chad Allen” in an AOL m4m chat room and really believing it was him. Okay, it wasn’t an AOL m4m chat room, it was Grindr. And it wasn’t when I was 19, it was last week.
The BBC (via Radar) says that prosecutors told the court that for years, Robert Hunter met underage kids online and pretended to be Justin Bieber. Robert Hunter told his victims that he, Justin Bieber, would be their boyfriend if they took off their clothes in front of their webcams. He then used those videos of the girls to get underage boys to do the same thing for him. Then he used the videos from boys to lure in more girls. If one of his victims tried to back out, he threatened to expose them on social networks. Prosecutors say that one 12-year-old cut herself after Robert Hunter posted her pictures and phone number on Facebook.
After years of going after kids all over the world, Robert Hunter finally got caught when a girl realized something in the milk was a pedo and called the police.
Robert Hunter pleaded guilty to 15 charges of inciting a child to engage in sexual activity and 14 of making indecent photos.
And as always, The Onion predicted this shit.
Now if only his potty trainers can get him to piss in an actual toilet next time.
Society’s floating toilet turd that refuses to flush continued to be the second hardest member of the Hood Rat Stuff Gang (the hardest member is obviously its founder Latarian Milton) when he pissed into a mop bucket in a restaurant kitchen after getting drunk in some club in NYC. I don’t know what’s a more tragic image: the Biebs pissing into a mop bucket while wearing diaper pants full of a hot load or Charlotte York’s second husband being forced to watch this sucio foolery go down.
In the video, which TMZ says was shot earlier this year, the KFed of yodeling fetuses stops to piss in the bucket and then screams “fuck Bill Clinton” while spraying window cleaner at a picture of Billy. There’s a double dose of SHOCK in this video, because it’s surprising that: a) the Biebs can pee without sitting down and; b) he actually knows who Bill Clinton is.
Here’s the video and you might need to take the rest of the day off since you will overdose on badassery while watching it:
Hopefully, the pour soul who had to deal with that bucket knew there was Bieber piss in there, because they could bottle that mess up and sell it for thousands of dollars a pop on eBay. Beliebers will bathe in it, brush their teeth with it, wash their hair with it, douche with it, gargle with it, cuddle with it, marry it and on and on and on. It’d be like Dr. Bronner’s for Beliebers!