You know the answer to that without me telling you. The answer should always be: the highly-esteemed literary journal of this generation The Daily Mail.
After we were all hit in the face with a slimy ball of random in the form of the rumor that Donald Trump Jr. fucked Aubrey O’Day while his wife was pregnant with their third child, the Columbia-educated investigative journalists at The Daily Mail went to work to look for proof of their affair. They may have found some. If you’re Quentin Tarantino, this story and pictures will test your slobbery love of feet. If you’re not Quentin Tarantino, this story and pictures will test your ability to hold down barf. Because this post contains at least one picture of Jabba the Trump Jr.’s hoof.
Suicide Squad comes out in 4 months, so Warner Bros. is really going to go hard and bareback bone our brains with the idea that Jared Leto was so CRAZY and so METHOD during shooting. We’ve already been told that Jared Leto got so into the mind of the Joker while filming that he went full-throttle method (served in a condom made of 100% sarcasm) and sent the cast a dead pig and gave Margot Robbie a live rat. Well, Jared and the cast are still trying to prove to us that the word “method” should be changed to “Leto” since he redefined it. They claim that Jared also gifted them with a couple of things found in a gift bag from Kanye West’s birthday party: anal beads and used condoms.
Running Wild with Bear Grylls is supposed to be a show where he and a celebrity type go out into the wild and he shows them how to survive using what’s around (and in) them. But it’s really a nasty fetish show for sick fucks. Even the makers of Japanese game shows watch that crap and heave.
On Monday night’s episode, Michelle Rodriguez was on and Bear Grylls showed her how to make a gourmet meal out of a dead mouse and her own piss. Michelle supposedly dated Colin Farrell at one point, so she’s put dirty things in her mouth before, but this is a new level of sick. Bear and Michelle were conveniently out of water, so they had to cook the mouse in her boiled pee. After they ate the mouse, Bear didn’t want to let the rodent and bladder juice broth go to waste so he drank it up. I once ate a beef burrito I bought from a rest stop vending machine, so I’m not one to judge about disgusting food, but these nasty messes are rich and don’t have to do this (unless they really want to).
Add a cup of pit sweat and that mouse and piss stew would be like the subway in a bowl.
And Bear Grylls needs to stop acting like he’s grossed out by pee, because sick bastard uses it to “survive” whenever he gets a chance. We get it and we know it, Bear Grylls. You’re a urinal breath-having piss queen. There’s no need to play.
Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.
A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.
It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!
The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):
“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”
Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.
UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:
I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.
I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?
I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Oh, the 1960s were a simpler time when NASA used LSD to get dolphins to speak English and researchers regularly jerked dolphin leche out of dolphins. Dolphins getting hand jobs and free LSD? What Charlie Sheen wouldn’t give to be a dolphin in the 60s.
In the BBC documentary “The Girl Who Talked To Dolphins” (more like “The Girl Who Jacked Off Flipper’s Relatives“), former NASA researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt talks about how in the 1960s she was a part of some experiment where dolphins were sometimes shot up with LSD to learn how to speak to humans. Margaret got close to a dolphin named Peter and she got real close to Peter’s peter. Peter was a horny teenage trick and would always rub himself on Margaret’s body. After a while, Margaret just went with it and helped that horny dolphin get off and that may or may not have involved dirty dolphin talk (example: “eeeee eeeee ee eee eee ee eeee”). via the NYDN (via Gawker)
“Peter liked to be … with me. He would rub himself on my knee, my foot or my hand and I allowed that. I wasn’t uncomfortable — as long as it wasn’t too rough. It was just easier to incorporate that and let it happen, it was very precious and very gentle, Peter was right there, he knew that I was right there. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch, just get rid of that scratch and we would be done and move on.”
She’s not right for comparing it to an itch, because when I get an itch and scratch it, I don’t end up with a handful of dolphin jizz. But thank you, BBC, for letting me know that dolphins are getting more action than me.
I wonder if at any point Margaret looked at Horny Peter’s open-mouthed, excited dolphin face as he humped her thigh the same way Justin Bieber humps the thigh of a trick when he can’t find her coochie and thought to herself, “I work for NASA and I am a humanized dolphin hump toy. I am living the dream.” And somewhere Pimp Mama Kris is thinking to herself, “Pfft! Big deal! My girls once sucked off all the Dolphins and you don’t see them starring in a BBC documentary about it. Hmmm, that gives me an idea.”
Here’s the clip of Margaret remembering the time a dolphin humped her.
Since we’re on the subject of serious science stuff, does anyone know where I can go to remove the part of my brain that thought it was a good idea to Google “dolphin porn” for this highly important story?