Category: Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart And His Son Sean Stewart Have Pleaded Guilty To Battery

December 20, 2021 / Posted by:

We should have known dark times were ahead when the year 2020 started off not with a bang, but with a whimper as Rod Stewart and his failed reality TV star son Sean Stewart were charged with battery for assaulting a security guard who was posted at a private children’s party they tried to crash at a resort in Palm Beach, Florida on New Year’s Eve. Now, nearly three years have passed and more than five million souls have been lost to a deadly disease that swept the globe, shaking humanity to its very core. But hark! A glimmer of hope appears on the horizon. Page Six reports that Sean and Rod have both pleaded GUILTY of simple battery, signaling an end to our collective nightmare as we know it. Yes, millions more may die, but according to Rod’s attorney, “neither man will face jail time, fines, or probation.” An early Christmas miracle? Perhaps, perhaps. Or it could just be a sign that the earth is healing and everything is as it should be. For rich people. The rest of us are still screwed. Sorry!

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Rod Stewart Dragged Elton John’s Retirement Tour

March 22, 2018 / Posted by:

Rod Stewart and Cyndi Lauper were on Watch What Happens Live yesterday to talk about their summer tour. Rod, who is three years older than Elton John, was asked how he felt about Elton’s announcement that he was officially retiring from touring. Rod says he sent Elton a sarcastic email asking: “What, again dear?“, which Elton reportedly didn’t respond to. Rod says he’s never talked about retiring, but that if he did, he certainly wouldn’t announce it like a certain bespectacled singer whose retirement motivations were solely for money-making purposes.

“If I do retire, I won’t make an announcement, I’ll just fade away. I don’t think this big deal – ‘Oh, I’m going to retire’ – it stinks of selling tickets…It’s dishonest, it’s not rock n’ roll.”

Elton might not have done it for the money, but he definitely isn’t walking away with nothing. I have a massive Elton John fan in my life, and I tried to get tickets to his Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour. Not only did it sell out in 0.000005 seconds, but resale tickets were starting at $1500. I don’t have that kind of money, so the closest we’ll be getting to Elton is me sticking a raisin between my front teeth to lip sync to Rocket Man.

Rod can’t compare himself to Elton. Elton wants to retire from touring, and Rod can’t until he’s completed his life’s only mission: to tour the world asking every horny, screaming middle-aged woman if they think he’s sexy. Eventually there won’t be a single woman left. Then, and only then, can he fade away.

Pic: Bravo via YouTube

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Harry Styles Is Dating One Of The Stewarts

April 26, 2013 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift’s former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana’s in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he’s bumping nipples with one of them.

The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?

I say that it’s not Kimbo and it’s not Ruby and it’s not Penny Lancaster. I say that it’s the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!

My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo’s chin. Harry is gazing away, because he’s so wrapped in a walking dream where he’s sucking on Rod’s juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn’t mean that in more ways than one.

Ronnie Wood Is Trying The Marriage Thing Again For A Third Time

December 22, 2012 / Posted by:

Paul McCartney always keeps bodyguards armed with bags of termites near him just in case Heather Mills shows up to attack his ass and since he was a guest at Ronnie Wood’s wedding yesterday, she wasn’t there to congratulate the bride on a gold digging job well done. Ronnie’s bride will get her gold digger certificate of excellence from Heather Mills in the mail.

65-year-old Ronnie Wood became somebody’s husband for the third time yesterday when he married his 34-year-old theater producer girlfriend Sally Humphreys at the Dorchester Hotel in London. Ronnie’s best man was Rod Stewart, who looked like he was trying hard to hold the barfs in while walking through a wind tunnel, and Paul McCartney was also there. Ronnie’s bandmates Mick Jagger and Keith Richards weren’t there, because I’m sure they went to one of his other weddings and when you’ve been to one Ronnie Wood wedding, you’ve been to them all. Besides, even though some of them are sober (I think), when they get together in the same room, scared bitches start stocking up on booze thinking a shortage is coming.

When Ronnie left his reception last night, he said this to The Sun’s reporter:

“I’m feeling great. It was excellent, so great. Brilliant.”

I know, you just had to read those words. They are really important.

You’re probably thinking that Ronnie’s latest marriage is going to last about as long as a sex fart, but I have a feeling it’s going to last a little bit longer than that. Sally sort of looks Snow White-ish and Ronnie looks like a Magic Troll doll who chopped off all his hair, moved to the enchanted forest and became the leader of the woodland creatures. Snow White loves creatures of the enchanted forest, so they’re perfect for each other!

This Is The Face Of A Man Who Once Had Butt Sex With A Coke Pill

October 27, 2012 / Posted by:

Yesterday, we larned (typo and it stays, because I want to speak with a Honey Boo Boo accent today) that Rod Stewart didn’t have to get his stomach pumped, because he never overdosed on sailor cum. Uh huh. And today, we’re learning that back during his drug days, Rod Stewart regularly got on all fours and begged to be butt banged hard by a coke pill. Yes, we know Rod Stewart like THAT now. I don’t like it either.

In his new memoirs Rod Stewart: Farting Up Coke and Barfing Up Cum, he writes that he wasn’t ever addicted to the bad shit in a serious way, but he did dabble in drugs and found creative ways to get high. But Rod writes that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was hooked on coke and didn’t want to mess up his nose, so they shoved coke pills up their no-nos. Rod and Ronnie were both coke’s bottom bitch. Rod explained it all to Access Hollywood (via NYDN):

“We found another method of taking the drug. We put them in a little pill like the French do them, (a) suppository. We did that for a little while. Are we still on the air?”

Lindsay Lohan’s Hoover of an asshole isn’t impressed. Coke suppository? That’s amateur hour. LiLo can stand with her back facing a fat line of coke 100 feet away and all her b-hole has to do is inhale just a little bit and BOOM! Bitch’s butt sucks up that line before anybody even notices.

You know, I’m all for sticking what ever it is you want up your own sugar tunnel. If it makes your nipples sweat and does you right, then go for it. But I CAN’T with snorting coke up your ass. Don’t give me that “but it numbs it good” shit. If you want to numb your anus, just make it watch Brad Pitt’s Chanel commercial. It will knock out before he can say “journey.” It will go to bed hating you, but it will still go to bed. Besides, do you really want coke breath of the butt and do you want your ass lips to start grinding? No peen wants to go near grinding ass lips. Deal breaker.

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