If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:
Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.
You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:
BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE
And this is how product placement is done:
Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.
Bethenny Frankelstein is still in the middle of wrapping her velociraptor claws around her estranged husband Jason Hoppy’s nutsack during their divorce battle, but she took a little time out from licking his ballsack blood while cackling at the top of Castle Grayskull to frolic in the ocean with a new buff piece. People says that the creator of the sangria that tastes like trucker piss mixed with Equal is currently fucking Michael “Mac” Cerussi III, a banker type who lives in NYC. Mac and Bethenny (which sounds like the name of a terrifying sequel to Mac and Me, and you know, Bethenny kind of looks like Mac with a wig on) took their new love to Miami and spent New Year’s together. Some source tells People that Mac and Bethenny were all over each other’s face on New Year’s Eve:
“Bethenny was with Mac and looked very happy on New Year’s Eve. They kissed at midnight and other times during the evening. They looked like they were having a great night.”
The only thing we know about Mac (because I’m sure you’re dying to know everything about who Bethenny Frankelwhatever is boning) is that he’s in finance, his family is fancy and he’s 9 years younger than 43-year-old Bethenny. I’m also going to assume that Mac is legally deaf since that’s the only way any human can stand to be exposed to Bethenny’s ear-killing voice for longer than 5 seconds.
I know I’m hating, but I’m actually into this couple. Mac looks like He-Man after a haircut and Bethenny looks like Skeletor after a few master cleanses, so together they’re bringing my He-Man fanfiction wet dreams to life!
“I won’t be coming in today, because I prolapsed last night and have to spend my day trying to shove everything back up in there” is the line that thousands of office managers heard on their voicemails this morning from the Cumberbitches who watched their amphibian alien sex god on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.
On JKL last night, Benedict Cumberbatch (that’s my favorite thing to order at brunch!) put the cum in Cumberbatch and gave all of his fangirls a Cumberboner when he did a dramatic reading of R. Kelly’s “Genius.” If R. Kelly’s lyrics are blood and Cumberbatch’s voice is a peen, then together they created a rock hard boner that fucked everybody’s ear holes. If you’re not a bareback slut when it comes to ear sex, put a condom over your speakers before pressing play.
And if Bendydick Cumsinbatches is the R. Kelly of fancy British movie actors (“I’d let him cumberpiss on me.” – some sucio Cumberslut), then who is the Lady CaCa of fancy British movie actresses? Let’s just say it’s Helena Bonham Carter, because my ears really need a cover of “Do What U Want” by her and this distinguished lizard martian.
And today’s panty pudding moment is brought to you by a drunken and doucheified ASkars doing a dude bro cheer for his team Hammarby Fotball at a football match in Sweden recently. This is like a scene out of Braveheart if Braveheart took place in modern day Sweden and the Medieval Scottish soldiers were replaced with drunken football fans and Mel Gibson was replaced with a hot, angry ASkars. Here’s the video and while you’re watching it, I’m going to add “get drunk with ASkars and have him curse at me in Swedish” to my cum bucket list.
alex: all of you can go to hell, [some name on S I think] look at me you fucking pussy
random person: look at his magical fucking hairdo
alex: who’s the best team? (and then a couple of more similar questions that I can’t make out)
crowd: hammarby (the name of the team)
alex and crowd: we’re the hottest we’re the best we’re the ones who win the most…hammarby…clapping.
“Look at me, you fucking pussy.” If ASkars ever says that to you, you can pull down your panties, stare at him with your crotch and say that your Swedish is not so good and you thought you heard him say, “Look at me with your fucking pussy.”
But something must’ve gotten lost in translation, because I think that random person is saying, “look at his flaming vampire viking dick,” instead of, “look at his magical fucking hairdo.” But “magical fucking hairdo” really is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.
And let’s not forget the drunken ASkars video to end all drunken ASkars videos:
If that picture was a postcard, it’d be addressed to Tommy Girl and it’d say, “You wish you were here, bitch!”
Like Paula Deen at a slavery-themed wedding, John Travolta was filled with pure potent happiness yesterday when he spread his legs and got down next to some topless dudes while shooting a commercial in Rio for a Brazilian brand of booze called Ypióca. Everybody on that beach in Rio now knows what fried Thetans smell like. Because all the Thetans on John Travolta’s itchy itchy anus burned up and exploded when he got hot while being the cheese in that hot piece
panini peenini. Yes, that crap on John Travolta’s chin looks like a beaver’s taint (that the closest he’ll ever get to having a beaver on his chin), but he’s living the wet dream. XENU IS GOOD!
“Rollin’ to the music and shakin’ real fast. Bend over backwards, make me shout. And work that pussy, in and out!”
I always knew that on the inside I’m a just young British girl in a shiny purple puffy coat, leggings and Burberry rain boots.
During a charity polo game at The Beaufort Polo Club in Gloucestershire, England, Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge strutted through the field when one of his devoted disciples took a picture of him and then gave birth to a huge ball of excitement right there on the grass. I said in the headline that this is just a natural reaction, but this is actually a pretty subdued reaction to being that close to PHG’s royal bag of treasures. I would’ve prolapsed and dragged my innards across the grass to get PHG to autograph my nipple plate and most hos would’ve been tripping over the ovaries falling out of their snatch to get to him.
So yeah, this girl totally played it cool.