Because there’s a part of me that’s a retired grandma named Nana Jean who still subscribes to Reader’s Digest and drinks her morning Sanka with a nip of Bailey’s, I watch every hour of Today every single weekday. Natalie Morales has been my favorite for a while and she’s one of the few on there who doesn’t either make me fall asleep or roll my eyes out of their sockets. So I was not amused when I learned that Natalie and Alfred E. Neuman’s insufferable brother Billy Bush are switching gigs. Natalie has moved to California to takeover Access Hollywood and Billy Bush has moved to NYC to join Today. After I did the wall slide of sadness over the news, I did wonder if the rumors about Matt Lauer and Natalie had something to do with it. Apparently, people at NBC wondered the same thing.
Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
To answer the prayer in your head: No, a pink slip didn’t land between Matt Lauer’s cleavage.
Around 10 weeks ago, NBC brought on former ESPN executive Jamie Horowitz to save the lukewarm caca puddle that is Today and take it to #1 above Good Morning America. I guess NBC wasn’t impressed with what Jamie was doing, because they showed his ass the exit door before his contract officially started on December 1st. The good news is that Jamie doesn’t have to wake up to the musty scent of Matt Lauer’s smugness anymore. The better news is that he reportedly gets to keep the $3 million his contract is worth.
Sources tell the NYDN that Jamie created a messy environment at Today, because he wanted to immediately make a ton of changes. The source says that Jamie put other producers on the spot by asking them which one of their co-workers should be fired. Jamie was looking to fire hos left and right and Page Six says that he wanted to pink slip repurposed Stepford robot Savannah Guthrie and replace her with Kathie Lee Gifford’s morning time drinking partner Hoda Kotb.
For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.
This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.
I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.
As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?
Because I won’t stop posting HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of the fucking Today show until I totally reach the “midnight snack at 8″ demographic, here’s some more HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of Today. In my sorta defense, it’s summertimes, it’s kind of slow, there’s not much going on and it was either this or a video about a horrific wall of Teddy Ruxpins. (That’s next.)
Either this week or early next, Ann Curry will jump down the inflatable escape slide while flipping off all those bitches who did her wrong. The producers of Today are preparing Savannah Guthrie for the co-host job by spraying her down with douche repellent so Matt Lauer doesn’t try to grope her while they’re sitting next to each other. Savannah was picked over Natalie Morales and Page Six says that has Natalie pissing shit. Natalie was mad when the producers chose Ann Curry over her and now she’s really mad that they’ve screwed her over again by going with Savannah. Sources tell Page Six that Natalie could follow Ann Curry down that inflatable escape slide, because she’s sick of getting shafted by the producers. Speaking of getting shafted…
The National Enquirer says that the reason why the producers didn’t offer the job to Natalie Morales is because Matt Lauer’s wife Annette threatened to stab their marriage in the heart if that happened. Annette knows all about the rumors that Matt passed his peen to Natalie and she doesn’t want them to get any closer than they already are. A source put it like this:
“When she heard about Ann getting the boot, the first thing Annette told Matt was that she didn’t want him cozying up any closer to Natalie. In fact, Annette drew a line in the sand and said if he pushed show bosses to make Natalie his new co-host, she’d divorce him! Annette knows Matt is the key to the ‘Today’ franchise and his bosses will put whoever he wants in the co-host chair.
I heard that Matt had an extramarital affair with gorgeous Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.”
When I look at Natalie’s son, I don’t have the sudden urge to launch the word “glib” from my tongue, so I doubt he’s half Lauer.
NBC shouldn’t stop at firing Ann. They should fire everybody and redo the entire show. They should stick a hidden camera in Matt Lauer’s crotch bush and show 4 hours of the adventures of his wandering peen, because that shit sounds more interesting than anything on Today. Kathie Lee Gifford can narrate it from the bottom of her wine closet.