And Here’s JLo Serving Up Some Sexy Bedazzled Period Dragon Realness

“Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.

I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.”

Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).

Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Karen Elson Took Out A Restraining Order Against Jack White

Over two years ago, Karen Elson and Jack White were showing divorced couples how to really handle a break up by getting drunk together at an anniversary/divorce party. Cut to last month when Karen got a restraining order against Jack after he harassed her for months. The Nashville City Paper says that on July 22, a judge told Jack White that he can only contact Karen through e-mail and he can only write her about spending time with their two kids.

Karen’s lawyer Rose Palmero writes in a restraining order affidavit that Jack White has gotten crazy in e-mails and text messages to her and she’s afraid for her and her chirrun’s safety. Karen has custody of their kids right now and for months they’ve been scrapping over parenting rights. Jack wants to help raise their kids, but apparently Karen doesn’t think he’s fit enough to take care of an empty bottle of Jack let alone children. Karen has tried to get Jack to go to therapy with her, but he doesn’t want have anything to do with that shit. Jack just wants to rage the baby powder foundation off of his face while typing out messy e-mails. Karen’s lawyer gave some of those e-mails to the court. In some of those e-mails, Jack brings the crazy in heavy doses by telling Karen to get their kid’s school to move their child to a different class, because he doesn’t like that his daughter is learning next to the child of a musician he feels is copying his shit and ripping him off. The City Paper puts it like this:

Recently, according to the filing, White wanted Elson to contact their kids’ private school in an effort to get their kids out of a class in which another entertainer’s child was present. White said that he feels that entertainer “ripped off” his music, the order said.

In another incident, White berated Elson when she attended the wedding of a rival musician. Again, he was upset because this entertainer also “ripped off” his music, according to the order. The musician was unnamed in the court filing.

Jack White sounds like a 14-year-old after eating his first pot brownie. Dude sounds paranoid as all hell.

TMZ says that the Lady CaCa to Jack White’s Madonna is Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys. TMZ got a hold of e-mails where Jack freaks out over his kid sitting in a classroom with Dan’s kid.

“My concern with Auerbach is because I don’t want the kids involved in any of that crap … That’s a possible twelve fucking years I’m going to have to be sitting in kids chairs next to that asshole with other people trying to lump us in together. [Auerbach] gets yet another free reign to follow me around and copy me and push himself into my world.”

Yeah, something tells me that Dan Auerbach doesn’t want to sit in a kiddie chair next to Jack White. He only wants to sit in a kiddie chair in the next room or anywhere that’s out of punching distance from Jack’s fist. And by “something” I mean this picture of the Von Bondies dude’s face.

True Love Just Stepped Out On The Ledge

Today is a sad day, because it’s the day that I learned that CoCo and Ice-T’s love isn’t as rock solid as the silicone in her titty bags. Ice-T went to Twitter to pour out his feelings about some pictures of his beloved pearl CoCo kissing on some rapper. The SUPER DUPER MEGA WORLD EXCLUSIVE pictures from Media Take Out (via Necole Bitchie) show CoCo and Oakland rapper AP.9 posing like two high school seniors on prom night. Ice-T shook his head while tweeting (and deleting) this stream of woes:

Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude.

Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t.

I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple. That’s it. Any more questions ask @Cocosworld

Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t.

Daily Game: Trust no one..

CoCo did respond and apologized for making Ice-T feel like Shit-T.

Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I’m happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics.Its harmless. #RELAX

Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened

I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he’s upset theres no excuse for my actions.I’m so sorry baby & to evryonea

You’re probably thinking, “But for why are they airing out their dirty panties in public?!” Um, because Ice-T and CoCo are America’s first couple and we deserve an explanation for this! And because they have a reality show to sell. Even if this is just a shameless stunt to promote said reality show, I’m still frowning. I’m frowning, because how can CoCo pose with a rapper wearing a Gucci monogram hat? Does she not have any standards? Strangely enough, when I pout and frown, my quivering lips kind of look like CoCo’s camel toe when it’s about to stampede.

All Hail Slutoween’s Forever Reigning Queen

If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would’ve dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would’ve officially been canceled and every ho’s inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can’t officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick’s of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo’s camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.

The cry was heard at CoCo’s Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you’d be correct. You’d also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.

And since we’re on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.

Karen Elson & Jack White Are Having An Anniversary/Divorce Party!

The bad news is that Karen Elson and Jack White are biting off each other’s wedding bands after 6 years of marriage, but the good news is that there will be an open bar at their divorce party! Those damn hipsters really know how to turn an AWW into a YES!

Karen and Jack were married in Brazil on June 1, 2005 and decided that their time sleeping nipple to nipple has come to an end. They issued this joint statement to People:

“We remain dear and trusted friends and co-parents to our wonderful children Scarlett and Henry Lee. We feel so fortunate for the time we have shared and the time we will continue to spend both separately and together watching our children grow.”

The invitation to their anniversary/divorce party reads that the party is to re-affirm their friendship.

Yes, as a bitter cunt queen monster who feeds off of the scandalous lives of others, I’m a little disappointed that Karen and Jack aren’t throwing daggers of revenge at each other in the streets. But I guess it’s best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked.

Happy divorce to Karen and Jack!

The Real Royal Wedding!

While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!

This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).

At the reception, I’m sure CoCo’s camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone’s! “Anniversary” while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don “Magic” Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T’s son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo’s mom Tina.