Category: John Mayer

Awkward = Running Into One Of Your Exes At Your Friend’s 21st Birthday Party

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.

All Of The Important People In The World Were At The Adele Concert Last Night

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.

Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.

There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!

According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.

In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.

Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.

Pics: Splash

Katy Perry’s Latest Date With Orlando Bloom Almost Got Crashed By John Mayer

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Katy Perry and her current maybe-boyfriend Orlando Bloom are still doing the whole casual relationship thing (their matchmaker, that vape pen, must be so proud), and according to Page Six, shit almost got nine levels of awkward on their last date.

Katy and Orlando were attending a birthday dinner the Sunset Tower Hotel on Wednesday night with a whole mess of famous types, like Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. And as luck (or that vengeful bitch karma) would have it, guess who just so happened to saunter into the Sunset Tower as they were having dinner? Patient zero for vaginal vinegar poisoning himself, John Mayer. A witness claims John skipped the bar and made a beeline for the elevators, and they *think* it’s because he knew two of his ex-girlfriends were inside. Or maybe he hauled ass to the elevators because he was six seconds from a butt blowout? You don’t know, witness!

Of course there is a chance John Mayer knew Katy Perry was in the bar with his replacement. I wouldn’t put it past that sneaky bimbo to use his boner like a divining rod and track down his exes. But clearly his inner Jiminy Cricket told him to leave them alone, and Katy and Orlando were able to enjoy their date without having to do that fake as hell “Oh heeeyyyy” when you run into an ex in public.

As for how things are going between Katy and Orlando, Page Six says several witnesses confirm that Katy and Orlando’s flirt game is still strong.

“Orlando and Katy had that new-relationship glow about them. They were cuddling and flirting with each other all night.”

Meanwhile, another witness described Orlando like this: “He looks like an old baby.” I have no idea what the hell that means either, but I love it. I’m sure there are at least a dozen Hollywood-types asking their plastic surgeons “Can you make me look like an old baby?” as we speak.

Pic: Splash

John Mayer Might Be Helping Katy Perry Write A Revenge Song About Taylor Swift

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.

According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:

“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”

They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.

Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.

Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:

Pics: Wenn.com

The Hocus Pocus Reboot Is Already Looking Like A Mess

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.

We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.

Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:

Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball

This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:

madonnarebelheartmetgala2015

Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.

Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.

Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

It’s Hard Out There For A Club Bouncer Who Has To Buy Coke For Celebs

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that a dude named Leonard Taylor, who worked as a bodyguard for Marky Mark and Uma Thurman, has thrown a $1 million lawsuit at a club owner for causing him emotional distress by making him buy the bad shit for famous types. Wait, let’s go back to Marky Mark. Marky “I Could’ve Stopped 9/11” Mark needs a bodyguard? Marky Mark can take out an entire army just by flexing. He probably needs a bodyguard to hold his Starbucks. That’s all.

Page Six reports that in the lawsuit that was filed in the New York Supreme Court, Leonard says that from 2006 to 2010 he worked for Barry Mullineaux, owner of several NYC clubs where famous types go. Leonard, who filed the lawsuit without a lawyer, claims that Barry made him do shady illegal shit like buy drugs for celeb whores, and he named names. You better stick a wine cork up your asshole, because reading about rich famous celebrities doing drugs is going to make you fall out of yourself.

“Mr. Mullineaux would get the money from the cash register. I would have to buy drugs for such celebrities as Barron Hilton, John Mayer, Chris Evans, Ms. [sic] America Tara Conner.”

It really is Captain America’s week! Leonard goes on to say that Barry also paid him in bunk money and smeared his good name by telling other clubs and celebrities that he’s a criminal druggie.

Mullineaux “has scammed financial backers out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.” And that he has a tape of “Barry paying [him] in fake money.”

Taylor, now unemployed, claims that “Barry was in debt to the mob through gambling debts and Barry had these clubs robbed to pay off debt.”

He also claims in his suit that it was Mullineaux’s “constant defamation of character that played a part of Mr. Taylor losing work … He has told celebrity friends, other club owners, security companies not to hire Mr. Taylor because of drug use and other criminal behavior.”

This Mullineaux dude tells Page Six that Leonard’s lawsuit is nothing but a paper covered in skid marks and lies, because none of it is true. He also says that Leonard has been stalking him and threatening him for money. John Mayer’s spokeswhore called the lawsuit a lie too. Leonardo once sued Marky Mark for $2 million, but the lawsuit was later dropped.

Leonardo pretty much lost me at “HAVE to buy drugs,” but I do believe that he suffered from severe emotional distress. I mean, being around a sober Barron Hilton would make anyone want a fist a garbage disposal, so I can only imagine the kind of pain you’d suffer through while being around a coked up Barron Hilton.

And the biggest crime here is that Leonardo called Tara Conner and Barron Hilton “celebrities.”

John Mayer Is Done Talking About The John Mayer/Taylor Swift Drama

March 9, 2015 / Posted by:

There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:

“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”

The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay:

Katy Perry Celebrated Her Half-Time Show Performance By Getting A Super Bowl-Themed Tattoo

February 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Katy Perry is a 16-year-old wannabe high school parking lot-smoking badass trapped inside the body of a 13-year-old middle school girl trapped inside the body of a 30-year-old woman (who is dressed like Cookie Lyon, for some reason), she decided to commemorate her epic come-to-life sticker book Super Bowl half-time show performance by sneaking a couple of her dad’s beers into her Keroppi mini backpack and bribing her older sister’s art school drop-out friend Kayde to give her a stick-poke tattoo in his mother’s basement. Okay, so technically it was done by professional tattoo artist backstage, but you know she was pretending it was done on a dirty couch using a safety pin and a ballpoint pen.

I assumed Katy would get a portrait of those awesome sharks, but instead she paid tribute to the 49th Super Bowl by getting the Roman numerals XLIX on her ring finger:

KatyPerryXLIXtattoo

Maybe it’s just me, but XLIX looks like the name of a straight edge strip club. It’s just me, I know. But the best part of Katy’s future finger mistake is that eventually her skin will get all saggy and wrinkled and that XLIX tattoo will look like it says CLIT. Hell, it already does if you squint a little. But getting a future clit tattoo wasn’t the only poor decision Katy made last night; look who joined her after the Super Bowl:

Katy Perry Might Be Humping On John Mayer Again

January 6, 2015 / Posted by:

After several months of maybe rubbing against Diplo’s DJ dick stick and a possible one-time hit it n’ quit it n’ get tested for whatever you got from it with humanoid Florida truck stop toilet seat sperm Riff Raff, it sounds like store brand Jane Lane Katy Perry might be sliding back down the douche ladder and landing on the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer. Uh…get it girl? I guess?

According to UsWeekly, Katy and John were spotted having dinner together this weekend, and as we all know, dinner = hard core fucking. A source tells UsWeekly that the two have “reconnected” (again, fucking), adding that “things just needed to cool down. They aren’t officially back on but talking again.

But what happened between Katy and her Taylor Swift-dragging beau Diplo? According to that same source (Daria), it was only ever just a hook up thing and they were never serious about each other because Katy was touring and didn’t have time for a boyfriend type in her life. Well, I guess that answers my question “For why the hell is Katy Perry hanging out with a grown dude who starts Twitter fights with teenagers?” Casual boning. The answer is casual boning.

But back to John Mayer. After Katy Perry and John Mayer had dinner, apparently they went back to Katy’s house. NO KATY! You can’t keep wrapping your down-lows around John Mayer’s douche rod! That’s how you get dickmatized. Or maybe they went back to Katy’s house to play a game called Who I Did When I Was Done Doing You. That’s a game people play, right? Regardless, if Katy is going to go out for dinner with all her past pieces, I hope she remembers to brace herself when it comes time to ask Russell Brand how much the bill came to.

Giada de Laurentiis Is A Spitter

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, the blind items are telling lies. Giada de Laurentiis isn’t a swallower. She’s a spitter!

The Italian lollipop once told Health.com that people are always asking her how it’s possible for her to eat all that delicious food and stay as skinny as a parakeet’s pinky nail. Giada said at the time that she only eats a little bit of everything and doesn’t overstuff herself. But a source tells Page Six that when Tweety Bird’s human sister shoots her Food Network show, she doesn’t swallow anything and keeps a spit bucket nearby. Everything that goes into her mouth, comes out. Some source spit this out into Page Six’s bucket:

“When Giada films her cooking show, she never eats. Never. When she is making drinks and food that she has to drink or eat, they have a dump bucket that is brought out the second they cut. Sometimes when they are shooting her taking bites out of food like cake, they have an assistant take the bite (so you only see teeth and a mouth), and then they cut back to her taking an empty fork out of her mouth to resume filming. She does not eat at all while filming.”

Giada’s rep, Stephen Huvane (yes, Jennifer Aniston’s Stephen Huvane), spit at Page Six’s story. Stephen says that Giada does eat her own food, but sometimes they shoot three episodes in one day “and they do multiple takes on a close-up of her eating. She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time, since they can do sometimes six to 10 takes with three episodes a day, and that would be like eating six to eight meals a day.

“She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time” is the new definition of TOO EASY.

Don’t they all do this? Well, all of them except for Guy Fieri who definitely swallows all that crap.  But other than him, I thought all TV food tricks were spitters. That’s why watching those food shows is painful sometimes. I know that they didn’t finish the dish and probably spit that food into a bucket. What a waste. Since Alicia Silverstone is living that green life and cares about reducing waste, she should volunteer to be a human bucket on cooking show sets. After the take, the host can bird feed her the food they chewed up and then she can bird feed it to her son. Nothing will go to waste!

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