It wasn’t that long ago when a great way to move papers was just to call John Mayer and ask him to talk about life (Sexual napalm! David Duke dick! Inspiring half the Taylor Swift songbook!) or just write about his love (?) life. John would like us to all know that is John 1.0. John 2.0 is a sensitive soul who is more at home at the Women’s March than the Playboy Mansion grotto.
Here’s a sobering thought. I have slept with more people than John Mayer. Now, before you start high-fiving me and calling my pussy a dick gobbling legend, know that John now claims he has slept with exactly six women. After stating on his Instagram Live show Current Mood, that his “number” was under 500, John has revisited the subject, and in his quest to be named “most popular” in the yearbook, has revised his number to six.
All we’ve ever needed to know about what possibly happens behind John Mayer’s closed bedroom door can be found on his face during a particularly intense guitar riff. And yet, he’s still more than happy to spill the details of his sex life for anyone who dares ask. We know he used to jerk off all the time, that he would have sold all his stuff to keep fucking Jessica “Sexual Napalm” Simpson, and who could forget the David Duke dick thing. And now we know more! Prepare yourselves accordingly.
Quick! Someone put an APB out on Alexis Neiers, because it looks like The Bling Ring is back in action! Well, either The Bling Ring Redux or some other boring regular old house robbers are back in action, because John Mayer has had his house burgled, and they’ve mostly taken his fancy watch collection.
Does a John Mayer-issued mockery of Justin Bieber actually cancel itself out before it can even reach Bieber because they’re both douchey? Or is the burn more potent because when even fellow douches are shading you…? “Runaways at the train station”-looking couple Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin celebrated their recent engagement by posting a photo of themselves making out in a hot tub. John figured that the photographer of this pic would have had to actually BE in the hot tub with these two, and called the two of them out on it.
Page Six has an interview with an unnamed Hollywood publicist who says that his one piece of advice to female clients is to avoid John Mayer’s dick! Avoid it like the plague! Avoid it like you’re Jennifer Lawrence! Actually, this advice it probably null and void now because it’s not like starlets can get to Mayer’s dick when Andy Cohen is probably already on it!