On John Mayer’s newest album “Paradise Valley,” there’s a duet with his piece Katy Perry called “Who You Love.” The single just came out today, but for weeks it’s been #1 at every gynecologist’s office. Every gyno prescribes this song to any patient suffering from excessive vaginal wetness. Just one listen and it’ll dry you right up! To promote the song and their relationship (mostly their relationship) Katy and John posed together for a black and white spread in Vanity Fair. The cover picture perfectly captures Katy and John’s relationship. John sits around making soulful masterpieces like the musical genius he is while Katy lays around all bored-like and makes a look that says, “You see what you have to put up with when you’re chronically dickmatized?”
John talked about the song to AP and spit out this dingle berry:
“If the music is framed correctly and quality. And if it’s right and the soul is there, it would be the highest compliment to the record if somebody said or people said, ‘I don’t even think about it being [about] a relationship, I just hear it as a great song.’”
When I listened to that shit, I didn’t think about their relationship, but I did think about the sound engineers who worked overtime to digitially erase the sound of Katy Perry’s coochie letting out the mournful wail of sadness that most coochies let out when they’ve been touched by John Mayer’s David Duke dick. Good job, engineers!
Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.
“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”
You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.
And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:
“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’
We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”
Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.
And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.
After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to KStew).
“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”
After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.
Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.
“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”
Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?
And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:
“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”
I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.
If you filled your stomach bag with gallons of hot dog and beer stew yesterday, then this picture of Katy Perry and John Mayer hugging each other’s bodies while wearing matching 4th of July shirts is probably giving your hangover a hangover. I mean, matching patriotic outfits AND PDA? Red, white and barf!
Katy has been on-and-off of John Mayer’s Dominican David Duke dick and she was on it over a week ago and now she’s really on it. Katy Instagrammed this picture yesterday of her and John Mayer touching face cheeks while gazing longingly into the hallway of his trailer before he performed at the Philly 4th of July Jam in Philadelphia. Some witness type tells UsWeekly that while John was yodeling onstage, Katy was all about him:
“She watched him perform off stage and watched every second of his performance, singing along to every song and dancing. She was so into his performance and gave him a big hug and kiss when he finished afterwards. She seemed all about him.”
So while Katy was all about John, her tortured coochie was all about being sad. For a while there it thought that it was finally independent of John Mayer’s dick and then Katy just had to go back to him. And now it’s back to living a life full of topical ointments and red hot tears.
Here’s John performing on Today this morning while looking like the member of a third tier Rolling Stones cover band.
Here’s some extremely crystal clear and riveting pictures of Katy Perry and her on-and-off-again hump piece John Mayer holding hands while leaving the Don Rickles Roast in NYC last night. Katy recently told Vogue that she’s not licking John Mayer’s taint anymore and that she needs to take some time to figure out why she keeps dating emotionally messed up crazy bitches.
“All I can say about that relationship is that he’s got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds.”
Translation: Ain’t no dick like crazy dick.
ABC News says that Katy didn’t show up with John Mayer last night, because who wants to be seen walking into a room with John Mayer? She showed up when dinner already started and spent the rest of the night “canoodling” with him. So I guess this means that they’re doing it again, but Katy Perry is not right for kkkockblocking Paula Deen. Poor Paula Deen has lost her TV shows and has been done wrong by ham (AGAIN), and she can’t cry on John Mayer’s David Duke dick, because Katy Perry’s on it. Damn you, Katy Perry!
And I don’t know if Katy Perry is holding up her dress while walking down those stairs or if she’s grabbing her coochie because it keeps trying to jump off her body since it knows what’s going to happen next. First Russell Brand and then John Mayer again and again? Hasn’t Katy Perry’s chocha been through enough?!
The good news is that Joanna Rohrback, the be-wigged prancing swan, is back and is prancing her way into our hearts again. The shitty news is that she’s using her graceful prancing moves in the lyric video for John Mayer’s new single “Paper Doll” which is supposedly about Taylor of Green Gables. The shittier news is that Joanna must’ve put three industrial-strength Cuchinis on her crotch, because I’ve practically pressed my eyeballs against the screen and I still can’t make out her prancing camel toe. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, because today I learned that Joanna can gracefully prance like a flying unicorn galloping against the clouds without showing her camel toe. I really thought her prancing powers were activated by her camel toe. I don’t know this world anymore.
Anyway, when Taylor Swift put out a song that made it sound like John Mayer did her on her pirate princess bed and was out the door before she could even wipe up the cum puddle on her stomach with a strawberry-scented cum rag, he said that it made him “sad” and he didn’t deserve that. Well, I guess John’s still sad, because his new song “Paper Doll” is totally about Taylor Swift’s ass. Jezebel transcribed the lyrics for John Mayer’s soft blues diss track:
Paper doll, come try it on
Step out of that black chiffon
Here’s a dress of gold and blue
Sure was fun being good to you
This one we made just for Fall
And Winter runs a bit too small
This mint green is new for Spring
My love didn’t cost a thing
You’re like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they’re runnin’ from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper doll
Fold a scarf, Moroccan red
And tie your hair behind your head
Strap into some heels that hurt
You should’ve kept my undershirt
Cut the cord and pull some strings
And make yourself some angel wings
And if those angel wings don’t fly
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky
So what I’m getting from that is that John humped it and dumped it and that Taylor is a flimsy, delicate, one dimensional doll who really needs to get over it. Taylor Swift is probably in the studio right now yodeling out a response to John Mayer’s diss trick and then he’s going to go back into the studio and sing out a response to her response. They’re going to keep going back and forth and it’s our ears who are paying the price. Our ears are in the middle. Can’t they just shank each other in a back alley and get it over with?
But John does get an extra point for bringing Prancercise into it.
Just when the Centers for Disease Control thought it was safe to give their employees a long vacation for Easter, this happens! John Mayer’s David Duke Dick is once again out there infecting poon after poon, because he’s no longer bumping nipples with Katy Perry full-time…for now. I know, the fact that Katy Perry didn’t slap him back and forth when he showed up to the Grammys looking like the creepy owner of
a chocolate factory an STD Factory tells me that they were meant for each other, but I guess not.
Katy Perry and John Mayer started dating last summer, but they broke up for a month before getting back together again. Some source tells UsWeekly that they’re done with each other, but it might not totally be the end.
“It’s sad. It’s not over until it’s over. You have to see how things play out. She’s leaving the window open. They have both been so focused on work.”
Katy probably only left the window open, because she’s trying to air his stank out. And I hope this means that John Mayer will go back to Taylor Swift and dump her right after. Because Taylor Swift’s ass is most entertaining when she’s bitching about a heartless whore slut John Mayer is.
Santa Claus is not amused. That Tweet should have cancelled Christmas. Katy Perry brought John Mayer home for the holidays to meet her parents. That’s no gift. I’d rather have rabies in my stocking. He looks like he has hasn’t seen the inside of a shower for five days. She should swap out the whipped cream shooters in her tits for shower gel ones and hose his skank ass down!
The New York Daily News (via People) sez that Mayer really wanted to meet Katy’s parents. No one wants to meet anyone’s parents. That’s some bullshiz. Especially this mealy-mouthed fuckface. Meeting your piece’s parents for the first time is ponderous. You can’t get drunk, you can’t curse, you have to act like you don’t hate everything. For a whole weekend? AND ON CHRISTMAS? Bitch, I am 5 White Russians in by 2 pm on Christmas and ready to leap over the coffee table at my brother during the Yankee Swap to fistfight for a TJ Maxx gift card. Hello, it’s Christmas! No one wants insincere douche under the tree.
“They’re happy together and with her family for the holidays,” a source told the celebrity magazine. “John really likes getting to know Katy’s family better. They’ve spent a lot of time together and really enjoy each other’s company.”
He’s totally the guy who gets shitfaced on Christmas Eve night, stays up after Katy goes to bed, and hits on her Moms. “Mrs. Hudson, I can totally see where Katy got her looks. Yes, I’m very interested in the Bible. Is it ok if I take off my pants and get comfortable while we talk about Jesus? ” Ugh, and he probably brought his guitar. I’d smash an ornament and cut my wrists with the shards.
And what’s with her and the slippery-looking types? That last one. You could wring out his hair to fill the fryolater. Be kinder to yourself, Annoying Rainbow Brite.
Seen here looking like a sad couple leaving the free clinic after learning some devastating news (the devastating news being that she’s knocked up, because even they know a MayKat baby is not what humanity needs EVER), Katy Perry and John Mayer left a restaurant in NYC last night. While Mitt Romney was quickly losing the highly important and coveted Trapper Keeper vote, Katy and John were out celebrating the 35th anniversary of the day David Duke’s used butt enema fertilized a pine cone tampon and made John Mayer.
For his very special day, John Mayer dressed up as a half-assed Canadian groomsman and used globs of pussy lube to style his hair like a douche bag cockatoo who thinks he’s the shit. Dude’s douche hair matches his smug face.
And all morning hate aside, that picture above is sort of sweet. I mean, obviously there’s a non-whitey standing in front of them, so Katy is covering the one eye on John Mayer’s white power peen, because it doesn’t want to see that. That’s real love.
One of Katy Perry’s goals in life, next to shooting everything found in a grocer’s fridge section out of her tits, must be to hump on every mega man skank on the CDC’s most wanted list. Because Katy has gone from riding on Russell Brand to taking a ride on John Mayer’s David Duke dick. Katy and John left Chateau Marmont together last night, and UsWeekly says that before every paps’ lens got covered in herp sores by taking these pictures, they were kissing each other inside the hotel:
Perry, 27, and Mayer, 34, had a leisurely dinner together at Chateau Marmont, an observer tells Us Weekly. And the date, the witness adds, was definitely romantic, with the “Teenage Dream” singer and Mayer “holding hands across the table,” sneaking kisses, and laughing.
Katy and John have apparently been bumping nipples for almost two months now. So, Katy’s douchedar is still broken and she’s obviously still into the kind of dude who looks like he’s got 3 out of 5 basic food groups stuck to the bottom of his peen. Hopefully, Katy grabbed that plastic bag floating through the wind and wrapped it around John’s peen several times before she got on that shit.
And if the Anne Shirley of hussies Taylor Swift has hit it and wrote a song about it, you should stay away from it.