If you have a cat, you may have been wondering why your pussy spent a piece of yesterday bowing down to the broomstick you keep in the corner in your kitchen. That was your cat’s way of paying homage to the American Cat Lady Queen and yodeling broomstick Taylor Swift on the 27th anniversary of her birth.
Taylor turned 27 yesterday and while her squad covered her with air kisses on social media (because they’re contractually obligated to) and companies like Rent-A-Famous-Boyfriend gave thanks to the existence of their most loyal client, her ex-piece John Mayer probably shit on her. And according to blind items, not in the way he usually likes to shit on a chick.
On Sunday night, Drake celebrated his 30th birthday at a club in Los Angeles and he invited a bunch of his famous friends. Drake blew out the candles on his Raptor cake with people like French Montana, Jamie Foxx, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Karlie Kloss, the Haim sisters and Katy Perry. Clearly Drake was nostalgic for the years he spent on Degrassi, because Page Six says John, Katy, and Taylor brought some high school drama with them.
John Mayer either whispered something semi-romantic like, “Tell your pharmacy to get the Valtrex ready because I’m going to fuck the herp into that puss tonight,” or something really romantic like, “My David Duke cock wants to fuck the Mexican out of that multi-racial puss.”
Demi Lovato’s coochie may have missed the steady diet of douche dick she got before breaking up with Wilmer Valderrama, because UsWeekly thinks that maybe she’s moved on to John Mayer. John and Demi showed up separately to a restaurant called Catch (John Mayer at a restauranted called Catch = TOO EASY) in L.A. on Saturday night, but once they both got inside, they sat next to each other and he supposedly blew a sweet Summer’s Eve breeze into her ear while wrapping his arm around her.
Less than a month ago, trolls hacked Leslie Jones’ accounts and threw up a bunch of her personal shit, including naked pics. Leslie Jones is ready to laugh about it and invited millions of people to do so with her during the Emmys last night.
If you’ve ever wanted to wake up with the smell of douche under your nose and a sting when you pee, you’re in luck! The penis belonging to the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer, is single and looking for a long-term thing. 38-year-old John Mayer admitted on Watch What Happens Live last night (via UsWeekly) that after dating half of the entertainment industry – like Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, and most recently Katy Perry – he’s ready to settle down.
“I’m ready to roll. I’m older and more mature than I’ve ever been. The stage is set, but I’m excited for a meet cute at some point. I’m single and I’m excited about the future.”
John doesn’t specify what he’s looking for in a lady, but I’m assuming you must meet the following qualifications:
1. Want to get with John Mayer
2. Be someone who hasn’t already gotten with John Mayer
That last one might be difficult to find. Especially since you have to automatically rule out anyone with a weak stomach who might get the heaves when they look at John Mayer’s warped funhouse mirror O-face.
It’s always a little sad when a die-hard slut decides to hang up their carefree ways and swear allegiance to one set of genitals for the rest of their days (or at least until they can’t ignore the unquenchable thirst for casual fucking any longer). However, if John wants to get serious, then that’s great for him. I’m sure there’s a future Mrs. John Mayer out there somewhere.
I do wonder what their “meet cute” will be like. I can picture it now: after a long weekend of picking up random Instagram models at The Nice Guy, John will head over to CVS to pick up a bottle of Dr. Boner’s (Dr. Bronner’s horny brother) extra-strength crotch wash. As he goes to reach for the very last bottle on the shelf, another hand lands on his. They giggle, and she says “You take it. I’m sure you need it more than me.” And he says “I hope the security guard doesn’t bust you for shoplifting, because you’ve just stolen my heart.” Honestly, have you ever heard anything more romantic? Nicholas Sparks better not even think of ripping that off.
Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.