Category: John Mayer

If It Wasn’t For John Mayer, Katherine Heigl Wouldn’t Be Married To Her Husband, Or Something

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Katherine Heigl’s latest comeback TV show, Doubt, premiered last night on CBS, and if you missed it and want to see it, it can be found in a box full of Cat’s Pride litter. It flopped.

But before Heigl learned that she may have another flop on her hands, she pushed Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden. Heigl and her husband, Josh Kelley, have been married for almost ten years and James Corden said that he heard (through her publicist, probably) that John Mayer had something to do with their love sprouting like a rash you get after fucking John Mayer.

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Swifty Squad Assemble! John Mayer May Have “Shaded” Tay Tay

December 14, 2016 / Posted by:

If you have a cat, you may have been wondering why your pussy spent a piece of yesterday bowing down to the broomstick you keep in the corner in your kitchen. That was your cat’s way of paying homage to the American Cat Lady Queen and yodeling broomstick Taylor Swift on the 27th anniversary of her birth.

Taylor turned 27 yesterday and while her squad covered her with air kisses on social media (because they’re contractually obligated to) and companies like Rent-A-Famous-Boyfriend gave thanks to the existence of their most loyal client, her ex-piece John Mayer probably shit on her. And according to blind items, not in the way he usually likes to shit on a chick.

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Katy Perry, John Mayer, And Taylor Swift Made Things Weird At Drake’s Birthday Party

October 25, 2016 / Posted by:

On Sunday night, Drake celebrated his 30th birthday at a club in Los Angeles and he invited a bunch of his famous friends. Drake blew out the candles on his Raptor cake with people like French Montana, Jamie Foxx, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Karlie Kloss, the Haim sisters and  Katy Perry. Clearly Drake was nostalgic for the years he spent on Degrassi, because Page Six says John, Katy, and Taylor brought some high school drama with them.

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John Mayer Whispered Sweet Nothings Into Demi Lovato’s Ear At A Club

October 24, 2016 / Posted by:

John Mayer either whispered something semi-romantic like, “Tell your pharmacy to get the Valtrex ready because I’m going to fuck the herp into that puss tonight,” or something really romantic like, “My David Duke cock wants to fuck the Mexican out of that multi-racial puss.

Demi Lovato’s coochie may have missed the steady diet of douche dick she got before breaking up with Wilmer Valderrama, because UsWeekly thinks that maybe she’s moved on to John Mayer. John and Demi showed up separately to a restaurant called Catch (John Mayer at a restauranted called Catch = TOO EASY) in L.A. on Saturday night, but once they both got inside, they sat next to each other and he supposedly blew a sweet Summer’s Eve breeze into her ear while wrapping his arm around her.

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Good News, Ladies – John Mayer Is Single And Looking!

June 29, 2016 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wanted to wake up with the smell of douche under your nose and a sting when you pee, you’re in luck! The penis belonging to the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer, is single and looking for a long-term thing. 38-year-old John Mayer admitted on Watch What Happens Live last night (via UsWeekly) that after dating half of the entertainment industry – like Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Taylor Swift, Jessica Simpson, and most recently Katy Perry – he’s ready to settle down.

“I’m ready to roll. I’m older and more mature than I’ve ever been. The stage is set, but I’m excited for a meet cute at some point. I’m single and I’m excited about the future.”

John doesn’t specify what he’s looking for in a lady, but I’m assuming you must meet the following qualifications:

1. Want to get with John Mayer
2. Be someone who hasn’t already gotten with John Mayer

That last one might be difficult to find. Especially since you have to automatically rule out anyone with a weak stomach who might get the heaves when they look at John Mayer’s warped funhouse mirror O-face.

It’s always a little sad when a die-hard slut decides to hang up their carefree ways and swear allegiance to one set of genitals for the rest of their days (or at least until they can’t ignore the unquenchable thirst for casual fucking any longer). However, if John wants to get serious, then that’s great for him. I’m sure there’s a future Mrs. John Mayer out there somewhere.

I do wonder what their “meet cute” will be like. I can picture it now: after a long weekend of picking up random Instagram models at The Nice Guy, John will head over to CVS to pick up a bottle of Dr. Boner’s (Dr. Bronner’s horny brother) extra-strength crotch wash. As he goes to reach for the very last bottle on the shelf, another hand lands on his. They giggle, and she says “You take it. I’m sure you need it more than me.” And he says “I hope the security guard doesn’t bust you for shoplifting, because you’ve just stolen my heart.” Honestly, have you ever heard anything more romantic? Nicholas Sparks better not even think of ripping that off.

Pic: Bravo

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