Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!
A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.
“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”
I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.
E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:
“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”
If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
In “Dios mio, I wish that Michael Cera as The Riddler story wasn’t an April Fool’s dick pull so I could write about the impending nerd meltdown instead of this shit” news, it looks like the Hazmat medical professionals released Katy Perry from the quarantine tent after removing all the toxic grillz dingles that got stuck in her chocha when she 69′d with Riff Raff. Because Katy Perry is walking amongst us again and on Saturday night she showed up to MOCA’s 35th Anniversary Gala looking like she couldn’t decided between dressing up in low-budget Mrs. White cosplay or low-budget Miss Scarlett cosplay, she dressed as a little of both. At the MOCO Gala (typo and it stays), Katy told E! some riveting shit that a 3rd grader would say if you asked them what they’re going to do on summer break. “Ahs gonna paint my hair a crazy color and do art stuff!” Katy is going to dye her hair slime green and buy art:
“I’ve wanted to go slime green for a long time. It’s spring time and I think it’s time to freshen up my look. I’m really excited about slime green, but I hope my hair doesn’t fall out.
I’m going to slowly become an art collector. Today, we had an all-day art crawl. We got to see some private collections from some people’s homes and then we went to a couple of galleries. What I’m really drawn to is modern contemporary art and pop art, of course. Also some key photography. I’ve always loved Cindy Sherman and today I got interested in Lee Friedlander…This is all brand new. I’m really interested in having an art history education.”
So a millionaire trick who’s dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow is going to dye her hair the color of the pus that oozes out of John Mayer’s urethra wart and she’s going to use a sliver of her millions to buy the original of the poster I have hanging in front of my toilet? EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. But Katy is telling lies about why she’s dying her hair slime green. Bitch isn’t doing it to freshen up her look. Katy’s pussy bush has turned green from letting John Mayer’s radioactive waste of a peen touch her crotch repeatedly. She’s got fungus pubes. Katy can wax or shave that shit off, but it’ll just grow back greener. John’s diseased grossness is so strong that it affects the follicles. So Katy shrugged and figured that she might as well dye the drapes to match the carpet.
If you stop into a FedEx Kinkos today and see a sad-looking not-an-engagement ring photocopying his resume, offer to buy his ass some lunch, because bitch is out of a job. According to E! Online, Katy Perry packed up a suitcase filled with all of John Mayer’s casual scarves and Eat-Pray-Love beads, and told him to hit the road:
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.
No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.
Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song “Who You Love,” off of Mayer’s latest album, Paradise Valley.
I spent a good deal of time checking both Katy and John’s Twitter accounts to see if anything was mentioned about a breakup, but there’s nothing there. No, literally, there’s nothing there; I just petitioned life to give me back the 10 minutes I lost (“No dice; you knew what you were getting into” – Life). Really though, this is good news for Katy; with John Mayer out of her life, she’ll finally be able to schedule a little me-time and work on some much-needed self-improvement (like tightening up that lip synching and power washing her mouth).
And a warning to employees of free STD clinics nationwide: say goodbye to those vacation days you saved up and get ready to work some serious overtime. John Mayer’s diseased dick is back on the market again.
But more importantly, who told her it was ok to leave the house wearing one of Blanche Devereaux’s old housecoats? That’s a privileged you’ve got to earn, honey.
After leaving a restaurant with John Mayer on Sunday night, Katy Perry decided she didn’t want anyone to take a picture of her face, and since Shia LaDouche has an exclusive copyright on all paper bag usage, she chose to use the next best thing: a giant diamond ring on DAT FINGER. Because nothing says ‘I don’t want attention’ like wearing an engagement-looking ring on your wedding finger right after Valentine’s Day.
Of course, both Katy and John Mayer are denying they’re engaged, and that it’s just an arbitrary ring placed on a randomly-picked finger. If this is true, then I believe the reason Katy is covering her face is because halfway through dinner, she came to the sobering realization that she’s dating John Mayer and became deeply and profoundly ashamed.
Here’s more of Katy and a totally innocuous Claires-looking ring leaving dinner on Sunday night with John Mayer. Yikes, are those Bono glasses and Eat-Pray-Love beads around John’s neck? Fuck, if I were Katy, I’d hide my face out of embarrassment too.
John Mayer and Katy Perry continued to promote the fact that they’re fucking full-time by going on Ellen where she dressed like a chorus member in a community theater production of White Christmas and he dressed like an Appalachian lesbian memaw. (And Ellen DeGeneres wins for dressing like the regional manager of an Oak Tree in 1998.) Katy dribbled out to Ellen about how it’s so wonderful being with another singer, because he gets it and at the end of the day they don’t have to fill each other’s ear holes with music shit. John just motorboats her magnificent chichis and she holds his head down and breaths a sigh of relief at the fact that his mouth is too busy slobbering all over her tits to slobber out some eye roll-inducing words about what a musical genius he is. Katy went on to say that sometimes they don’t even talk when they’re at home together, because they both have to go on vocal rest. (The jokes: Katy tells them without knowing it.)
“Oh, well, sometimes we do have to go on vocal rest, because he had a thing that happened with his vocal cords and he had to be completely silent. Like he was just using an iPad and I really understood that. I understood that he couldn’t talk, and the only way he could communicate was through an iPad. Some days I have to go on complete vocal rest, like no anything, no whispering. Whispering is actually really bad. There’s just a lot of silence in our house most of the time.”
Earlier this week, Katy and John redefined awkward when they did a his-and-hers interview on GMA. During that interview, John said in so many words that Katy Perry’s music is like a chewed-up piece of bubblegum stuck in the crevices at the bottom of a sneaker next to a smushed piece of dog shit. And while Katy Perry’s music is whipped up smegma for your ears, John’s music makes Bob Dylan shoot up in his bed in the middle of the night and ask the Gods, “Why didn’t you gift me with John Mayer’s sense of musical artistry?”
So John thinks his Lite FM shit is better than Katy’s pop shit and they don’t talk when they’re at home together. They’re redefining everything this week, because they also redefined true love.
Dirty pussies in the audience cleaned right up when John’s douche ass strolled out during the interview to talk about that video he made with Katy. Ellen compared it to Bound 2 and Katy made a joke about how it’s more authentic, because her hair blew the right way. Twat stick John clapped and said that he doesn’t need to talk at home, because he has chestnuts like those. TIT JOKE!
Oh those two. They’re either going to last until the end of time, because John found the perfect 50s housewife type who will put up with the enema water that comes out of his trash hole. Or Katy’s going to snap one day and bludgeon him with her chichis.
And you’re probably spreading absorbent powder over the puddle of barf you yacked up after staring at that screen shot of them looking like brother and sister in an Olan Mills photo shoot. But back to their love…
Katy Perry and John Mayer dropped a spoonful of awkwardness into everyone’s coffee cup this morning when they did an interview with GMA to promote their music video for their duet “Who Do You Love” The video is like the easy listening, Santa Fe gift shop, Knott’s Berry Farm version of Bound 2. John, Katy and a bunch of other couples ride a mechanical bull together. I guess it’s a metaphor for relationships. You know, there’s ups, there’s downs and if you regularly fuck John Mayer bareback, you’ll end up with chafed coochie lips and crotch sores that need to be treated with topical ointment. Just like mechanical bull riding!
Before they debuted the video where Katy Perry is dressed like an early 70s kindergarten teacher turned cult ingenue, they did a really awkward interview. I’ve had job interviews that were less awkward than this.
And if you thought John’s Game of Thrones necklace from the SkyMall catalog is douchey, here he is arriving at GMA in a jacket made entirely of road kill (aka a piece of clothing that represents the future of his and Katy’s relationship).
On John Mayer’s newest album “Paradise Valley,” there’s a duet with his piece Katy Perry called “Who You Love.” The single just came out today, but for weeks it’s been #1 at every gynecologist’s office. Every gyno prescribes this song to any patient suffering from excessive vaginal wetness. Just one listen and it’ll dry you right up! To promote the song and their relationship (mostly their relationship) Katy and John posed together for a black and white spread in Vanity Fair. The cover picture perfectly captures Katy and John’s relationship. John sits around making soulful masterpieces like the musical genius he is while Katy lays around all bored-like and makes a look that says, “You see what you have to put up with when you’re chronically dickmatized?”
John talked about the song to AP and spit out this dingle berry:
“If the music is framed correctly and quality. And if it’s right and the soul is there, it would be the highest compliment to the record if somebody said or people said, ‘I don’t even think about it being [about] a relationship, I just hear it as a great song.’”
When I listened to that shit, I didn’t think about their relationship, but I did think about the sound engineers who worked overtime to digitially erase the sound of Katy Perry’s coochie letting out the mournful wail of sadness that most coochies let out when they’ve been touched by John Mayer’s David Duke dick. Good job, engineers!
Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.
“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”
You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.
And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:
“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’
We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”
Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.
And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.
After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to KStew).
“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”
After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.
Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.
“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”
Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?
And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:
“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”
I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.