If you stop into a FedEx Kinkos today and see a sad-looking not-an-engagement ring photocopying his resume, offer to buy his ass some lunch, because bitch is out of a job. According to E! Online, Katy Perry packed up a suitcase filled with all of John Mayer’s casual scarves and Eat-Pray-Love beads, and told him to hit the road:
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.
No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.
Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song “Who You Love,” off of Mayer’s latest album, Paradise Valley.
I spent a good deal of time checking both Katy and John’s Twitter accounts to see if anything was mentioned about a breakup, but there’s nothing there. No, literally, there’s nothing there; I just petitioned life to give me back the 10 minutes I lost (“No dice; you knew what you were getting into” – Life). Really though, this is good news for Katy; with John Mayer out of her life, she’ll finally be able to schedule a little me-time and work on some much-needed self-improvement (like tightening up that lip synching and power washing her mouth).
And a warning to employees of free STD clinics nationwide: say goodbye to those vacation days you saved up and get ready to work some serious overtime. John Mayer’s diseased dick is back on the market again.
But more importantly, who told her it was ok to leave the house wearing one of Blanche Devereaux’s old housecoats? That’s a privileged you’ve got to earn, honey.
After leaving a restaurant with John Mayer on Sunday night, Katy Perry decided she didn’t want anyone to take a picture of her face, and since Shia LaDouche has an exclusive copyright on all paper bag usage, she chose to use the next best thing: a giant diamond ring on DAT FINGER. Because nothing says ‘I don’t want attention’ like wearing an engagement-looking ring on your wedding finger right after Valentine’s Day.
Of course, both Katy and John Mayer are denying they’re engaged, and that it’s just an arbitrary ring placed on a randomly-picked finger. If this is true, then I believe the reason Katy is covering her face is because halfway through dinner, she came to the sobering realization that she’s dating John Mayer and became deeply and profoundly ashamed.
Here’s more of Katy and a totally innocuous Claires-looking ring leaving dinner on Sunday night with John Mayer. Yikes, are those Bono glasses and Eat-Pray-Love beads around John’s neck? Fuck, if I were Katy, I’d hide my face out of embarrassment too.
John Mayer and Katy Perry continued to promote the fact that they’re fucking full-time by going on Ellen where she dressed like a chorus member in a community theater production of White Christmas and he dressed like an Appalachian lesbian memaw. (And Ellen DeGeneres wins for dressing like the regional manager of an Oak Tree in 1998.) Katy dribbled out to Ellen about how it’s so wonderful being with another singer, because he gets it and at the end of the day they don’t have to fill each other’s ear holes with music shit. John just motorboats her magnificent chichis and she holds his head down and breaths a sigh of relief at the fact that his mouth is too busy slobbering all over her tits to slobber out some eye roll-inducing words about what a musical genius he is. Katy went on to say that sometimes they don’t even talk when they’re at home together, because they both have to go on vocal rest. (The jokes: Katy tells them without knowing it.)
“Oh, well, sometimes we do have to go on vocal rest, because he had a thing that happened with his vocal cords and he had to be completely silent. Like he was just using an iPad and I really understood that. I understood that he couldn’t talk, and the only way he could communicate was through an iPad. Some days I have to go on complete vocal rest, like no anything, no whispering. Whispering is actually really bad. There’s just a lot of silence in our house most of the time.”
Earlier this week, Katy and John redefined awkward when they did a his-and-hers interview on GMA. During that interview, John said in so many words that Katy Perry’s music is like a chewed-up piece of bubblegum stuck in the crevices at the bottom of a sneaker next to a smushed piece of dog shit. And while Katy Perry’s music is whipped up smegma for your ears, John’s music makes Bob Dylan shoot up in his bed in the middle of the night and ask the Gods, “Why didn’t you gift me with John Mayer’s sense of musical artistry?”
So John thinks his Lite FM shit is better than Katy’s pop shit and they don’t talk when they’re at home together. They’re redefining everything this week, because they also redefined true love.
Dirty pussies in the audience cleaned right up when John’s douche ass strolled out during the interview to talk about that video he made with Katy. Ellen compared it to Bound 2 and Katy made a joke about how it’s more authentic, because her hair blew the right way. Twat stick John clapped and said that he doesn’t need to talk at home, because he has chestnuts like those. TIT JOKE!
Oh those two. They’re either going to last until the end of time, because John found the perfect 50s housewife type who will put up with the enema water that comes out of his trash hole. Or Katy’s going to snap one day and bludgeon him with her chichis.
And you’re probably spreading absorbent powder over the puddle of barf you yacked up after staring at that screen shot of them looking like brother and sister in an Olan Mills photo shoot. But back to their love…
Katy Perry and John Mayer dropped a spoonful of awkwardness into everyone’s coffee cup this morning when they did an interview with GMA to promote their music video for their duet “Who Do You Love” The video is like the easy listening, Santa Fe gift shop, Knott’s Berry Farm version of Bound 2. John, Katy and a bunch of other couples ride a mechanical bull together. I guess it’s a metaphor for relationships. You know, there’s ups, there’s downs and if you regularly fuck John Mayer bareback, you’ll end up with chafed coochie lips and crotch sores that need to be treated with topical ointment. Just like mechanical bull riding!
Before they debuted the video where Katy Perry is dressed like an early 70s kindergarten teacher turned cult ingenue, they did a really awkward interview. I’ve had job interviews that were less awkward than this.
And if you thought John’s Game of Thrones necklace from the SkyMall catalog is douchey, here he is arriving at GMA in a jacket made entirely of road kill (aka a piece of clothing that represents the future of his and Katy’s relationship).
On John Mayer’s newest album “Paradise Valley,” there’s a duet with his piece Katy Perry called “Who You Love.” The single just came out today, but for weeks it’s been #1 at every gynecologist’s office. Every gyno prescribes this song to any patient suffering from excessive vaginal wetness. Just one listen and it’ll dry you right up! To promote the song and their relationship (mostly their relationship) Katy and John posed together for a black and white spread in Vanity Fair. The cover picture perfectly captures Katy and John’s relationship. John sits around making soulful masterpieces like the musical genius he is while Katy lays around all bored-like and makes a look that says, “You see what you have to put up with when you’re chronically dickmatized?”
John talked about the song to AP and spit out this dingle berry:
“If the music is framed correctly and quality. And if it’s right and the soul is there, it would be the highest compliment to the record if somebody said or people said, ‘I don’t even think about it being [about] a relationship, I just hear it as a great song.’”
When I listened to that shit, I didn’t think about their relationship, but I did think about the sound engineers who worked overtime to digitially erase the sound of Katy Perry’s coochie letting out the mournful wail of sadness that most coochies let out when they’ve been touched by John Mayer’s David Duke dick. Good job, engineers!
Katy Perry almost called Kellie Martin at the Crisis Center when she realized that the crabs she caught from her husband of 10 seconds Russell Brand were going to survive longer than her marriage did. Katy Perry said before that Russell behaved like the kind and caring husband he is by letting her know in a text message that he was divorcing her ass. In Russell’s defense, he couldn’t call and tell her, because it would’ve been hard for him to speak while his mouth was on the cooch of his latest rebound. Katy tells Billboard that a song called “By Grace of God” on her new album PRISM is about Russell texting her with: I AM DVRCING U K THX BYE. Knowing her marriage was dead made Katy consider throwing herself in a shallow grave next to it.
“That song is evident of how tough it really was at a certain point. I asked myself, ‘Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?’ All the songs are real-life moments. I can only write autobiographically. I put all the evidence in the music. I tell my fans if they want to know the real truth about stuff, just listen to the songs.”
You know you’re losing your mind and are in a dark, scary fucked up place when you consider asking Walter White for packets of Stevia because Russell Brand dumped you. While Katy Perry was crying out lonely tears, her twat was crying out tears of joy over being free of Russell Brand. Yes, breaking up sucks, but Russell dumping you via text message is the equivalent of God telling you that he cares about the health and well-being of your snatch.
And this is what Katy said about her latest douche piece John Mayer:
“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.’
We’ll be in bed, and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help.”
Does Katy Perry want me to commit suicide by barfing all of my insides out, because if she does, she needs to keep spitting out those quotes about John Mayer.
And here’s Katy’s latest single “Walking on Air,” which sounds like a CeCe Peniston B-side.
After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to KStew).
“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”
After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.
Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.
“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”
Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?
And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:
“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”
I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.
If you filled your stomach bag with gallons of hot dog and beer stew yesterday, then this picture of Katy Perry and John Mayer hugging each other’s bodies while wearing matching 4th of July shirts is probably giving your hangover a hangover. I mean, matching patriotic outfits AND PDA? Red, white and barf!
Katy has been on-and-off of John Mayer’s Dominican David Duke dick and she was on it over a week ago and now she’s really on it. Katy Instagrammed this picture yesterday of her and John Mayer touching face cheeks while gazing longingly into the hallway of his trailer before he performed at the Philly 4th of July Jam in Philadelphia. Some witness type tells UsWeekly that while John was yodeling onstage, Katy was all about him:
“She watched him perform off stage and watched every second of his performance, singing along to every song and dancing. She was so into his performance and gave him a big hug and kiss when he finished afterwards. She seemed all about him.”
So while Katy was all about John, her tortured coochie was all about being sad. For a while there it thought that it was finally independent of John Mayer’s dick and then Katy just had to go back to him. And now it’s back to living a life full of topical ointments and red hot tears.
Here’s John performing on Today this morning while looking like the member of a third tier Rolling Stones cover band.
Here’s some extremely crystal clear and riveting pictures of Katy Perry and her on-and-off-again hump piece John Mayer holding hands while leaving the Don Rickles Roast in NYC last night. Katy recently told Vogue that she’s not licking John Mayer’s taint anymore and that she needs to take some time to figure out why she keeps dating emotionally messed up crazy bitches.
“All I can say about that relationship is that he’s got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds.”
Translation: Ain’t no dick like crazy dick.
ABC News says that Katy didn’t show up with John Mayer last night, because who wants to be seen walking into a room with John Mayer? She showed up when dinner already started and spent the rest of the night “canoodling” with him. So I guess this means that they’re doing it again, but Katy Perry is not right for kkkockblocking Paula Deen. Poor Paula Deen has lost her TV shows and has been done wrong by ham (AGAIN), and she can’t cry on John Mayer’s David Duke dick, because Katy Perry’s on it. Damn you, Katy Perry!
And I don’t know if Katy Perry is holding up her dress while walking down those stairs or if she’s grabbing her coochie because it keeps trying to jump off her body since it knows what’s going to happen next. First Russell Brand and then John Mayer again and again? Hasn’t Katy Perry’s chocha been through enough?!
The good news is that Joanna Rohrback, the be-wigged prancing swan, is back and is prancing her way into our hearts again. The shitty news is that she’s using her graceful prancing moves in the lyric video for John Mayer’s new single “Paper Doll” which is supposedly about Taylor of Green Gables. The shittier news is that Joanna must’ve put three industrial-strength Cuchinis on her crotch, because I’ve practically pressed my eyeballs against the screen and I still can’t make out her prancing camel toe. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, because today I learned that Joanna can gracefully prance like a flying unicorn galloping against the clouds without showing her camel toe. I really thought her prancing powers were activated by her camel toe. I don’t know this world anymore.
Anyway, when Taylor Swift put out a song that made it sound like John Mayer did her on her pirate princess bed and was out the door before she could even wipe up the cum puddle on her stomach with a strawberry-scented cum rag, he said that it made him “sad” and he didn’t deserve that. Well, I guess John’s still sad, because his new song “Paper Doll” is totally about Taylor Swift’s ass. Jezebel transcribed the lyrics for John Mayer’s soft blues diss track:
Paper doll, come try it on
Step out of that black chiffon
Here’s a dress of gold and blue
Sure was fun being good to you
This one we made just for Fall
And Winter runs a bit too small
This mint green is new for Spring
My love didn’t cost a thing
You’re like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they’re runnin’ from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper doll
Fold a scarf, Moroccan red
And tie your hair behind your head
Strap into some heels that hurt
You should’ve kept my undershirt
Cut the cord and pull some strings
And make yourself some angel wings
And if those angel wings don’t fly
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky
So what I’m getting from that is that John humped it and dumped it and that Taylor is a flimsy, delicate, one dimensional doll who really needs to get over it. Taylor Swift is probably in the studio right now yodeling out a response to John Mayer’s diss trick and then he’s going to go back into the studio and sing out a response to her response. They’re going to keep going back and forth and it’s our ears who are paying the price. Our ears are in the middle. Can’t they just shank each other in a back alley and get it over with?
But John does get an extra point for bringing Prancercise into it.