I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
Page Six says that a dude named Leonard Taylor, who worked as a bodyguard for Marky Mark and Uma Thurman, has thrown a $1 million lawsuit at a club owner for causing him emotional distress by making him buy the bad shit for famous types. Wait, let’s go back to Marky Mark. Marky “I Could’ve Stopped 9/11” Mark needs a bodyguard? Marky Mark can take out an entire army just by flexing. He probably needs a bodyguard to hold his Starbucks. That’s all.
Page Six reports that in the lawsuit that was filed in the New York Supreme Court, Leonard says that from 2006 to 2010 he worked for Barry Mullineaux, owner of several NYC clubs where famous types go. Leonard, who filed the lawsuit without a lawyer, claims that Barry made him do shady illegal shit like buy drugs for celeb whores, and he named names. You better stick a wine cork up your asshole, because reading about rich famous celebrities doing drugs is going to make you fall out of yourself.
“Mr. Mullineaux would get the money from the cash register. I would have to buy drugs for such celebrities as Barron Hilton, John Mayer, Chris Evans, Ms. [sic] America Tara Conner.”
It really is Captain America’s week! Leonard goes on to say that Barry also paid him in bunk money and smeared his good name by telling other clubs and celebrities that he’s a criminal druggie.
Mullineaux “has scammed financial backers out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.” And that he has a tape of “Barry paying [him] in fake money.”
Taylor, now unemployed, claims that “Barry was in debt to the mob through gambling debts and Barry had these clubs robbed to pay off debt.”
He also claims in his suit that it was Mullineaux’s “constant defamation of character that played a part of Mr. Taylor losing work … He has told celebrity friends, other club owners, security companies not to hire Mr. Taylor because of drug use and other criminal behavior.”
This Mullineaux dude tells Page Six that Leonard’s lawsuit is nothing but a paper covered in skid marks and lies, because none of it is true. He also says that Leonard has been stalking him and threatening him for money. John Mayer’s spokeswhore called the lawsuit a lie too. Leonardo once sued Marky Mark for $2 million, but the lawsuit was later dropped.
Leonardo pretty much lost me at “HAVE to buy drugs,” but I do believe that he suffered from severe emotional distress. I mean, being around a sober Barron Hilton would make anyone want a fist a garbage disposal, so I can only imagine the kind of pain you’d suffer through while being around a coked up Barron Hilton.
And the biggest crime here is that Leonardo called Tara Conner and Barron Hilton “celebrities.”
There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:
“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”
The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay:
Because Katy Perry is a 16-year-old wannabe high school parking lot-smoking badass trapped inside the body of a 13-year-old middle school girl trapped inside the body of a 30-year-old woman (who is dressed like Cookie Lyon, for some reason), she decided to commemorate her epic come-to-life sticker book Super Bowl half-time show performance by sneaking a couple of her dad’s beers into her Keroppi mini backpack and bribing her older sister’s art school drop-out friend Kayde to give her a stick-poke tattoo in his mother’s basement. Okay, so technically it was done by professional tattoo artist backstage, but you know she was pretending it was done on a dirty couch using a safety pin and a ballpoint pen.
I assumed Katy would get a portrait of those awesome sharks, but instead she paid tribute to the 49th Super Bowl by getting the Roman numerals XLIX on her ring finger:
Maybe it’s just me, but XLIX looks like the name of a straight edge strip club. It’s just me, I know. But the best part of Katy’s future finger mistake is that eventually her skin will get all saggy and wrinkled and that XLIX tattoo will look like it says CLIT. Hell, it already does if you squint a little. But getting a future clit tattoo wasn’t the only poor decision Katy made last night; look who joined her after the Super Bowl:
After several months of maybe rubbing against Diplo’s DJ dick stick and a possible one-time hit it n’ quit it n’ get tested for whatever you got from it with humanoid Florida truck stop toilet seat sperm Riff Raff, it sounds like store brand Jane Lane Katy Perry might be sliding back down the douche ladder and landing on the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer. Uh…get it girl? I guess?
According to UsWeekly, Katy and John were spotted having dinner together this weekend, and as we all know, dinner = hard core fucking. A source tells UsWeekly that the two have “reconnected” (again, fucking), adding that “things just needed to cool down. They aren’t officially back on but talking again.”
But what happened between Katy and her Taylor Swift-dragging beau Diplo? According to that same source (Daria), it was only ever just a hook up thing and they were never serious about each other because Katy was touring and didn’t have time for a boyfriend type in her life. Well, I guess that answers my question “For why the hell is Katy Perry hanging out with a grown dude who starts Twitter fights with teenagers?” Casual boning. The answer is casual boning.
But back to John Mayer. After Katy Perry and John Mayer had dinner, apparently they went back to Katy’s house. NO KATY! You can’t keep wrapping your down-lows around John Mayer’s douche rod! That’s how you get dickmatized. Or maybe they went back to Katy’s house to play a game called Who I Did When I Was Done Doing You. That’s a game people play, right? Regardless, if Katy is going to go out for dinner with all her past pieces, I hope she remembers to brace herself when it comes time to ask Russell Brand how much the bill came to.
According to Page Six, the blind items are telling lies. Giada de Laurentiis isn’t a swallower. She’s a spitter!
The Italian lollipop once told Health.com that people are always asking her how it’s possible for her to eat all that delicious food and stay as skinny as a parakeet’s pinky nail. Giada said at the time that she only eats a little bit of everything and doesn’t overstuff herself. But a source tells Page Six that when Tweety Bird’s human sister shoots her Food Network show, she doesn’t swallow anything and keeps a spit bucket nearby. Everything that goes into her mouth, comes out. Some source spit this out into Page Six’s bucket:
“When Giada films her cooking show, she never eats. Never. When she is making drinks and food that she has to drink or eat, they have a dump bucket that is brought out the second they cut. Sometimes when they are shooting her taking bites out of food like cake, they have an assistant take the bite (so you only see teeth and a mouth), and then they cut back to her taking an empty fork out of her mouth to resume filming. She does not eat at all while filming.”
Giada’s rep, Stephen Huvane (yes, Jennifer Aniston’s Stephen Huvane), spit at Page Six’s story. Stephen says that Giada does eat her own food, but sometimes they shoot three episodes in one day “and they do multiple takes on a close-up of her eating. She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time, since they can do sometimes six to 10 takes with three episodes a day, and that would be like eating six to eight meals a day.”
“She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time” is the new definition of TOO EASY.
Don’t they all do this? Well, all of them except for Guy Fieri who definitely swallows all that crap. But other than him, I thought all TV food tricks were spitters. That’s why watching those food shows is painful sometimes. I know that they didn’t finish the dish and probably spit that food into a bucket. What a waste. Since Alicia Silverstone is living that green life and cares about reducing waste, she should volunteer to be a human bucket on cooking show sets. After the take, the host can bird feed her the food they chewed up and then she can bird feed it to her son. Nothing will go to waste!
Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!
A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.
“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”
I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.
E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:
“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”
If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
In “Dios mio, I wish that Michael Cera as The Riddler story wasn’t an April Fool’s dick pull so I could write about the impending nerd meltdown instead of this shit” news, it looks like the Hazmat medical professionals released Katy Perry from the quarantine tent after removing all the toxic grillz dingles that got stuck in her chocha when she 69’d with Riff Raff. Because Katy Perry is walking amongst us again and on Saturday night she showed up to MOCA’s 35th Anniversary Gala looking like she couldn’t decided between dressing up in low-budget Mrs. White cosplay or low-budget Miss Scarlett cosplay, she dressed as a little of both. At the MOCO Gala (typo and it stays), Katy told E! some riveting shit that a 3rd grader would say if you asked them what they’re going to do on summer break. “Ahs gonna paint my hair a crazy color and do art stuff!” Katy is going to dye her hair slime green and buy art:
“I’ve wanted to go slime green for a long time. It’s spring time and I think it’s time to freshen up my look. I’m really excited about slime green, but I hope my hair doesn’t fall out.
I’m going to slowly become an art collector. Today, we had an all-day art crawl. We got to see some private collections from some people’s homes and then we went to a couple of galleries. What I’m really drawn to is modern contemporary art and pop art, of course. Also some key photography. I’ve always loved Cindy Sherman and today I got interested in Lee Friedlander…This is all brand new. I’m really interested in having an art history education.”
So a millionaire trick who’s dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow is going to dye her hair the color of the pus that oozes out of John Mayer’s urethra wart and she’s going to use a sliver of her millions to buy the original of the poster I have hanging in front of my toilet? EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. But Katy is telling lies about why she’s dying her hair slime green. Bitch isn’t doing it to freshen up her look. Katy’s pussy bush has turned green from letting John Mayer’s radioactive waste of a peen touch her crotch repeatedly. She’s got fungus pubes. Katy can wax or shave that shit off, but it’ll just grow back greener. John’s diseased grossness is so strong that it affects the follicles. So Katy shrugged and figured that she might as well dye the drapes to match the carpet.
If you stop into a FedEx Kinkos today and see a sad-looking not-an-engagement ring photocopying his resume, offer to buy his ass some lunch, because bitch is out of a job. According to E! Online, Katy Perry packed up a suitcase filled with all of John Mayer’s casual scarves and Eat-Pray-Love beads, and told him to hit the road:
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.
No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.
Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song “Who You Love,” off of Mayer’s latest album, Paradise Valley.
I spent a good deal of time checking both Katy and John’s Twitter accounts to see if anything was mentioned about a breakup, but there’s nothing there. No, literally, there’s nothing there; I just petitioned life to give me back the 10 minutes I lost (“No dice; you knew what you were getting into” – Life). Really though, this is good news for Katy; with John Mayer out of her life, she’ll finally be able to schedule a little me-time and work on some much-needed self-improvement (like tightening up that lip synching and power washing her mouth).
And a warning to employees of free STD clinics nationwide: say goodbye to those vacation days you saved up and get ready to work some serious overtime. John Mayer’s diseased dick is back on the market again.