I start my morning like I imagine most of you do: with a chip on my shoulder and a ravenous look on my face that won’t go away until I’ve downed a gallon of coffee. For the most elusive couple in the world, that doesn’t fly. The work day doesn’t start until a game of hide the salami has been completed! I gave up figuring out what was going on with Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova years ago, but they’ve made it last far longer than her tennis career and even had twins on the sly. They may not talk about jack shit in regard to their relationship, but Enrique finally broke rank to let you know the status of their relationship: it’s a hump-a-thon. Enrique kisses fans at night, but kisses Anna in the morning, I guess!
For those of you who have stumbled upon an old flip phone or a Von Dutch hat while cleaning out the back of your closet, and wondered if one of the mid-2000s favorite couples was still together, yes they are. Despite keeping their relationship extremely secret, Enrique Iglesias is still very much with Anna Kournikova. And according to TMZ, they recently took their 16-year-long semi-secret relationship one step father by secretly having twin babies together. Ah, so it would appear Enrique’s penis isn’t so defective after all!
TMZ says that 36-year-old Anna gave birth to a boy and a girl on Saturday in Miami. This is the first and second child for both herself and 42-year-old Enrique. TMZ’s sources claim the twins are named Nicholas and Lucy. TMZ points out that no one knew Anna was pregnant; she never announced it, and they believe the last time she was seen in public was November of 2016. UsWeekly mentions that there were no signs of pregnancy on either Anna nor Enrique’s Instagram accounts. For example, Anna posted this photo the day before she reportedly gave birth.
Anna has never confirmed that the giant wedding-style rock she wears on her left hand is a wedding ring. So who knows if we’ll hear anything more about these babies. We probably shouldn’t hold our breath for a picture of Enrique cradling his twins on the front of a magazine next to a cover line that reads: “I CAN BE YOUR HERO, BABIES!“. Which is too bad because, damn if that wouldn’t have been the perfect cover.
Enrique Iglesias Makes The Women Of Sri Lanka Lose Their Minds And The Country’s President Isn’t Happy About It
Here’s two pieces of BREAKING NEWS:
1. Enrique Iglesias still performs for thousands at one single show.
2. Enrique Iglesias’ hotness still makes tricks want to unleash their chichis and throw their bras at him.
Both of these things happened in Sri Lanka recently and it’s got the country’s president ready to whip a bitch with a stingray’s tail.
If you ever find a drone hovering above you, do not try to fuck with that bitch, because that bitch may bite back and slice up your best finger banging finger. Enrique Iglesias learned this the hard way at a show in Tijuana, Mexico last night.
Enrique’s rep tells the Associated Press that during his shows, a drone flies above the audience to get shots of his fans and sometimes he grabs the drone to give everyone a point-of-view shot. But last night, the drone didn’t feel like being touched by Enrique and it sliced his fingers up. Julio Iglesias’ child accidentally grabbed the blade part and he bled like a newbie bottom taking a 10″ inch burrito peen without lube.
Enrique proved that he can be our hero, baby (sorry), by going on with the show. His rep says that he ran to the side of the stage and got it “semi-treated.” Apparently, his people told him to cancel the show, but he performed for 30 more minutes and he even went full punk by drawing a heart on his shirt with his own blood. Drawing a heart in blood on a t-shirt is what Taylor Swift would do if Taylor Swift’s body was temporarily possessed by Sid Vicious.
After the show, Enrique went to the airport where an ambulance was waiting to fully treat his jacked-up finger. He took a flight to L.A. where he’s going to meet with a specialist.
So, again, the lesson to be learned here is to not put your hand anywhere near a piece of machinery that’s got razor sharp blades on it. And yes, this is coming from a trick who once almost lost his good fappin’ hand while doing the YMCA dance under a living room ceiling fan.
And to think, I thought that Enrique Iglesias had his mole removed through lasers or some shit, but now I know that a drone cut that bitch off.
We’re going to have to get in the way-back machine for this one, but remember a couple of years ago when Enrique Iglesias joked about having a small wiener, and not two seconds later pulled a “SIKE! Just kidding!!”? Cut to his dick at home screaming “OH HELL NAW” as it dumps all his clothes out onto the front lawn and blows up his phone with texts that say WHY R U LYING ABOUT ME!! and U ASHAMED? There’s nothing worse than a dramatic penis, am I right? Well, it appears that he and his dick have kissed and made-up, because Enrique tells Page Six he’s ready to come clean about his small peen:
Newly single after breaking up with his tennis-pro gal pal Anna Kournikova in September, Iglesias was asked how he spends his time off in Miami.
“I go skinny-dipping if there are no paparazzi around,” he revealed. When Cobo asked where he goes full-frontal, Iglesias replied: “I’m not going to tell you because it would ruin my career. There’s not a lot to show off.”
And when further asked what his “best trait and worst defect” are, the suddenly self-deprecating singer responded: “My worst defect is from my waist down. I’m sorry, no, that’s not my worst defect . . . but it is a little curved.”
A small, crooked dick? Better get out your list of potential fucks and cross Gillette and Tai off. Or better still, stop talking about how small your dick is! Nobody cares about how small, crooked, wrinkled, discolored, or hairy a peener is when it’s paying for nice dinners and vacations. So side-step all the judgemental size queens and get yourself a gold digger. A true gold digger believes it’s not the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean, but the stash of the cash.
And if that fails, then try the internet; if TLC’s Strange Sex has taught me anything, it’s that there is definitely a market for your weird mini-boomerang dick (and yes, I did do an image search for that; pray for me).
(Pic via Splash)
Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn’t get enough of licking Jesse James’ dried jizz off of Kat Von D’s stomach, because they got back together and now they’re engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he’s going to get her:
After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:
And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going….
I really can’t wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he’s still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there’s that.