The 11th Round Of “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” Brought To You By Jennifer Lawrence’s Unenthusiastic Handjob
Jimmy Kimmel has been working tirelessly to educate people and politicians about healthcare lately on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. And last night, he gave a real example of the importance of good healthcare by showing celebrities receiving third degree burns from Twitter.
This was the first year that the MTV Movie & TV Awards decided not to split up the acting nominees by gender. For example, the category for Best Actor in a Movie featured three men and three women. Same with Best Hero. Best Actor in a TV Show had four girls and two dudes. It was a very woke show. Emma Watson was up for Best Actor for playing a book-reading beastiality enthusiast in the live-action Beauty and the Beast. She won.
There’s been a lot of talk about how Emma Watson turned down the Emma Stone role in La La Land to do the live-action Beauty and the Beast. Emma said that scheduling conflicts kept her from doing La La Land, but now we know the real reason why she didn’t do it. If Ryan Gosling’s character was a buff buffalo who got lipstick dick every time he danced close to her, she’d definitely be the one wearing the yellow dress and singing that City of Stars shit.
Emma Watson was in the March issue of Vanity Fair to promote Beauty and the Beast, and of course her interview was accompanied by a fancy fashion shoot. There was one shot where Emma posed wearing a strategically-placed rope cape that showed some of her boobs, and it didn’t take long for people to wonder out loud whether it was hypocritical for a very vocal feminist to be posing tits-out. Emma has a response for those people.
Famous people are different from us normal people in about a million ways, but one of the biggest ones is that strangers are almost always taking their picture. The last time I caught a stranger trying to take a picture of me, it was because I had taken the bread off my Egg McMuffin and replaced it with two hashbrowns, and I guess they just wanted a picture to remember that genius move for their next breakfast (at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself). But famous people just have to be famous for a stranger to approach them for a picture. And if you’ve ever wanted a selfie with Emma Watson, you’re not going to get one, because she doesn’t participate in that anymore.
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).