Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
From that perspective, the enchanted rose looks like a magical feather duster. The other Mr. Harvey is a HUGE Disney stan. So, the other night, I was sort of forced to watch the extras on the Beauty and the Beast 25th Anniversary Edition. There was this whole bit where composer Alan Menken, the Hamilton dude, and the married couple responsible for Frozen did everything but lose their clothes and orgy it down in a celebration of one another’s genius. I love animated musicals as much as the next jaded gay (translation: “somewhat“), but grips needed to be gotten! My point is that people LURVE them some Beauty and the Beast. One of the other extras was a sneak preview of the live-action BATB flick starring Emma Watson and Downton Abbey’s Dan Stevens. It’s coming out in March of 2017 and the first pics have appeared on Stitch Kingdom (by way of io9). It looks like they’re adhering pretty closely to the cartoon.
I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.
The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.
Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.
Emma Watson’s Rep Responds To That Old “Skin Whitening” Ad For Lancome After The Internet Dragged On Her
This old ad from 2013 of Emma Watson’s face next to some Lancome “skin whitening” cream called “Blanc Expert” was pulled out of the archives recently and caused some people to tell Hermione Granger that she should use an even stronger skin whitening cream to bleach the words “FAKE FEMINIST” into her forehead. Honestly, I don’t know how anybody knew that was Emma Watson in the first place, because there’s so much Photoshop happening there that she looks more like a factory-defected humanoid than herself.
When I saw this story earlier in the week, I sort of shrugged since I figured it was a dark spot corrector cream. You know, sort of like the kind I use on my asshole to get out the blemishes, even the skin tone, brighten it up and make it sparkle, Neely, sparkle. (“Even an industrial buffer couldn’t make that worn out thing sparkle” – my free clinic doctor) But the ad, which was only used in Asia, still caused outraaaaaaage and controversy. So Emma’s rep released a statement saying that she no longer has a contract with Lancome and when she did, she had no control over how her face was used in ads. Her rep’s statement via People
“Many artists often have limited control of how their image is used once an endorsement contract is signed. I cannot comment on my client’s previous contractual arrangements with Lancome. However my client no longer participates in advertising beauty products, which do not always reflect the diverse beauty of all women.”
Lancome also released their own statement about the product. (Side note: For years, my cousin pronounced Lancome as “lan cum,” which always sounded like lamb cum to me. I don’t talk to her anymore.)
“Blanc Expert was created by Lancôme 20 years ago. It helps brighten, even skin tone, and provides a healthy looking complexion. This kind of product, proposed by every brand, is an essential part of Asian women’s beauty routines.”
So what I’m getting from this is that Emma Watson probably never used the product and Lamb Cum just Photoshopped a picture of her into another dimension before slapping it on that ad. If that’s the route Lancome went, they should’ve went all the way by using this picture of Lucille Bluth:
Now that is how it’s done!
During a HeForShe talk with Radio 1’s Greg James at Facebook’s London office on Sunday, Emma Watson confessed that she sort of turned into the fancy British version of The Hulk after a bunch of shady hackers threatened to leak nude pics of her back in September. It all started shortly after Emma kicked off the HeForShe campaign with a speech at the UN about gender equality, when website called “Emma You Are Next” showed up on the internet with a clock counting down the minutes to the release of a bunch of stolen nipple pics, The Fappening-style. According to Emma, there were no nipple pics to steal, but that didn’t prevent her from getting PTFO (pissed the fuck off):
“I knew it was a hoax, I knew the pictures didn’t exist, but I think a lot of people that were close to me knew gender equality was an issue but didn’t think it was that urgent, that it was a thing of the past. This is a real thing that’s happening now, women are receiving threats. I was raging, it made me so angry, I was like, this is why I have to be doing this. If anything, if they were trying to put me off it, it did the opposite.”
I’m now starting to think we should retire the whole ‘chicken vs. egg’ debate and change it to “Which came first, Emma Watson or Hermione”, because that is literally exactly what I imagine that bad bitch Hermione would say if some asshole hacker at Hogwarts (cough Draco Malfoy cough) threatened to release pics of her wearing nothing but a patronus. Just 100-proof oh hell no.
Here’s more of
Hermione Emma at the HeForShe Facebook talk yesterday:
Since Angelina Jolie made Disney enough money to buy a small planet with that live-action mess Maleficent, and Disney is a greedy whore who can never have enough money, they’re making a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, which will no doubt gross $19 billion, because Beauty and the Beast-obsessed dummies like me who get the hardcore feels for that movie and will go see it 27 times. And it looks like the person who will get a percentage of my money will be Emma Watson.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, book-readying smart type Emma Watson has been cast as Belle, the book-reading smart type with a major case of Stockholm syndrome, in Disney’s upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. The studio announced the news today, and Emma confirmed it on Facebook:
THR says the live-action Beauty and the Beast will be directed by Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon, so please put your hands together and pray that he doesn’t turn Cogsworth into some kind of soul-chilling CGI nightmare.
Emma Watson as Belle is all well and good, but I want to know who else has been cast in this future mess. I’m no casting director, but it’s pretty obvious who should play the rest of the characters from Beauty and the Beast. Khloe Kardashian IS the Beast. The Hammaconda IS Gaston. Rihanna IS that slutty feather duster and Leo DiCaprio IS the horny feather duster-humping Lumière. Justin Bieber IS Mrs. Potts’ annoying teacup son Chip who we all hope “accidentally” gets put in a box marked FREE and thrown on the curb (seriously, Chip is THE WORST).
And it goes without saying that Angela Lansbury better be cast as Mrs. Potts, or so help me god, I will only see this movie 26 times.