It’s been just over a year since Courtney Stodden announced she was officially done with her creepy husband Doug Hutchison. But before she starts dating another man who remembers tuning into the pilot episode of Cheers and the taste of New Coke, she’s got to get divorced first. That is, if either of them can even afford it.
It’s been three weeks since Courtney Stodden announced that she suffered a miscarriage and since then, she’s been mourning the loss of her baby all over social media. And last night, she told her Instagram followers in a video that she wanted to step into a “new chapter” of her life fresh and to her that meant shaving her head as a symbolic gesture to the baby she lost. Many people shave their head as a way of starting anew (like the time I stupidly bleached every ounce of life outta my hair and made the decision to shave my head and start a new chapter where my mop didn’t look like an overused yellow Chore Boy.) But Courtney’s video made me wanna either call 1-800-CHZ-GRTS (that’s Daddy Spears’ help line) or scream for Dourtney to get his human some support and help.
Just a little under two weeks ago, Courtney Stodden, the second closest thing to our modern day Aphrodite (Shauna Sand being the closet thing, of course), took her growing fetus dome out for a good old-fashioned strut on the pap stroll, and she also recently posted a picture of her bare bump on Instagram. But sadly, sometime last week Courtney had a miscarriage. Courtney’s manager Gina Rodriguez gave this statement to the media last night:
“It is with a heavy heart to inform you that last week Courtney Stodden suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Courtney and her husband, Doug, are at an emotional loss for words and are using this time to grieve with their close family and friends. Please respect their privacy as the couple try to cope with losing their precious baby and seek the support they both need.”
A quick minute after Doug Hutchison’s sperm fish humped into one of Courtney’s ovary eggs, she announced the news of her first pregnancy before the iguana piss on the pee stick was even dry. Courtney said that she was only 4 weeks, but that she was forced to announce the news because someone leaked it. That was back in mid-May. So if I do the math (“Please don’t without help from an adult.” – every math teacher I’ve had), Courtney was around 12 weeks.
Courtney confirmed the sad news that she lost her baby, the one she was hoping would be a gayby, on Twitter last night:
I love you my sweet angel
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
God is embracing you ❤️
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
On another note, Gina Rodriguez is Courtney Stodden’s rep? I know that The CW doesn’t exactly have HBO money, but are they not paying Jane The Virgin enough?
“And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.
Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:
If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!
I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!
And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.
The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.
Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:
“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”
This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.
The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.
And I see you spreading your mouth lips to wet heave into your palm……because Courtney Stodden’s natural beauty is too much for you to take, of course.
With so much heartbreak and sadness in this world, it should warm the core of your cold soul knowing that the love between creepy-faced Doug Hutchison and his teenage bride turned Real Doll Courtney Stodden lives on even after their fake break-up. Marriages are eating shit left and right, but we can always count on Doug and The Porn Iguana to keep love alive by stage kissing in front of a paparazzo who only showed up because he has some time to kill before he has to take pictures of Ashley Tisdale walking to her car.
On a positive note, Courtney IS the most talented trick in Hollywood and she never ever gets the credit she deserves. Just look at her. She’s balancing on a hooker stilt while holding up two concrete ball chichis as she kisses on a gross make-up-less clown. I’d like to see Meryl Streep do that.