Category: Doug Hutchison

Courtney Stodden Had A Miscarriage

July 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Just a little under two weeks ago, Courtney Stodden, the second closest thing to our modern day Aphrodite (Shauna Sand being the closet thing, of course), took her growing fetus dome out for a good old-fashioned strut on the pap stroll, and she also recently posted a picture of her bare bump on Instagram. But sadly, sometime last week Courtney had a miscarriage. Courtney’s manager Gina Rodriguez gave this statement to the media last night:

“It is with a heavy heart to inform you that last week Courtney Stodden suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Courtney and her husband, Doug, are at an emotional loss for words and are using this time to grieve with their close family and friends. Please respect their privacy as the couple try to cope with losing their precious baby and seek the support they both need.”

A quick minute after Doug Hutchison’s sperm fish humped into one of Courtney’s ovary eggs, she announced the news of her first pregnancy before the iguana piss on the pee stick was even dry. Courtney said that she was only 4 weeks, but that she was forced to announce the news because someone leaked it. That was back in mid-May. So if I do the math (“Please don’t without help from an adult.” – every math teacher I’ve had), Courtney was around 12 weeks.

Courtney confirmed the sad news that she lost her baby, the one she was hoping would be a gayby, on Twitter last night:

On another note, Gina Rodriguez is Courtney Stodden’s rep? I know that The CW doesn’t exactly have HBO money, but are they not paying Jane The Virgin enough?

Pic: Wenn.com

Courtney Stodden Predicts Her Baby Will Be Gay If It’s A Boy

June 11, 2016 / Posted by:

And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.

Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:

If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!

I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!

And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.

Pic: Splash

Doug Hutchison And Courtney Stodden Are Going To Be Parents

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.

Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:

“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”

This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.

The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.

Pic: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Porn Iguana And Her Creepy Husband Spreading Their Love In Beverly Hills

January 19, 2016 / Posted by:

And I see you spreading your mouth lips to wet heave into your palm……because Courtney Stodden’s natural beauty is too much for you to take, of course.

With so much heartbreak and sadness in this world, it should warm the core of your cold soul knowing that the love between creepy-faced Doug Hutchison and his teenage bride turned Real Doll Courtney Stodden lives on even after their fake break-up. Marriages are eating shit left and right, but we can always count on Doug and The Porn Iguana to keep love alive by stage kissing in front of a paparazzo who only showed up because he has some time to kill before he has to take pictures of Ashley Tisdale walking to her car.

On a positive note, Courtney IS the most talented trick in Hollywood and she never ever gets the credit she deserves. Just look at her. She’s balancing on a hooker stilt while holding up two concrete ball chichis as she kisses on a gross make-up-less clown. I’d like to see Meryl Streep do that.

Pics: Wenn.com

Courtney Stodden’s Mom Regrets Letting Her Underage Daughter Marry Tooms From The X-Files

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris just lost any respect she had for Courtney Stodden’s mom Krista Keller. Krista will never be invited to the Pimp Mama’s Ball again, because pimps don’t quit and pimps really don’t regret turning their moneymakers out.

The only reason why the Porn Iguana is sort of famous is because she married Doug Hutchison when she was 16 and he was 51. Krista signed off on the marriage, became Courtney’s pimp and moved to Hollywood where she milked her daughter’s marriage for as much attention as possible. But the pimping came to an end last May when Krista “resigned” as her daughter’s manager. Krista supposedly didn’t like that Courtney did porn. Now Krista is saying that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let her daughter marry Doug.

In honor of the Porn Iguana’s 21st birthday, Krista ran her mouth over to Radar where she said that she and her daughter aren’t speaking and “external influences” are keeping them apart.

“Courtney is turning 21 and this will be the first time in my life that I have not been with my daughter on her birthday. Things are still very icy between us and I have not talked to her since she and I went our separate ways. I believe there are external influences without any names being said. I do not believe mothers and daughters should be separated.”

I disagree with her about that “mothers and daughters shouldn’t be separated” part. Courtney probably should’ve been separated from her mother at birth.

You know how Krista said she wasn’t going to name names? Well, she named names. Specifically, Doug’s name.

“I think that if a husband can see that there are problems between his wife and her mother I believe he should stay out of the situation. There are some really horrible things that he has done to me since she and I have not been speaking that will be very hard to ever forget about.

I do take full responsibility, however because I am the one that did sign the paper for her to marry this man. If I had to do it all over again I cannot tell you if I would be signing that paper.”

I can see why Krista has regrets. If she would’ve waited, she may have been able to sell her daughter to a richer man and then she wouldn’t have to pay her rent by talking to Radar. Rookie mistake.

The Porn Iguana And Doug Hutchison Are Back Together Because True Love Always Conquers

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!

Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.

“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.

When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”

During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.

Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)

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