Today must be Random Hollywood Feud Day.
For a few years now, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have been pushing the hard sell on just how open they can be about each other and their relationship. No matter how gross or personal, nothing is off-limits. They overshare about everything from the story about his surprise vasectomy to the story about her jar-peeing. There are some people who may be into Kristen and Dax’s oversharing, but according to Page Six, Hollywood isn’t one of them. Hollywood allegedly hates them and thinks they’re overexposed. Anyone who hates their corny-ass Samsung commercials is probably with Hollywood.
If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
Apropos of nothing (really – even he admits he had no reason to be there), Dax Shepard was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night. Little did he know he was actually there for a very valid reason, and that was to tell Jimmy Kimmel and the world a story about his vasectomy that begins with a pregnancy scare and ends with him jerking it into a jar in his car.
Unlike the character he played in Idiocracy, Frito Pendejo, who I assume was sterile from years of chronic ‘baitin and edible chemical exposure, Dax Shepard used to be quite fertile. So fertile in fact that he’s been able to successfully knock up his wife Kristen Bell twice on purpose and almost once on accident. According to Dax, the last one happened recently. Kristen got sick, so she assumed it meant she was probably pregnant again. Dax already has to be responsible for two kids under the age of three, and the thought of adding more to the equation made his dick break out into a cold sweat. That’s when he decided to sneak off to get a vasectomy.
Of course, they need to make sure the vasectomy worked, and there’s two ways you can test for that kind of thing. One, knock up your lady, thus proving that you should find your receipt and ask for a refund. Or two, come back a while later with a cup o’ jizz so they can look at them under a microscope and see if you’re sterile. Dax chose Option #2. The only problem was that he had a two-hour window to yank it before his appointment, and he had to do it before he got there. Thanks to a meeting running later than he expected, he ended up “providing a sample“, if you will, in a rinsed-out mason jar while driving to his appointment. Skip to the 4:03 mark to watch Dax explain it all in vivid detail.
Sadly, I doubt that’s the grossest thing that’s been done while driving in Los Angeles. I’m sure if you ask Kendra Wilkinson, she’d be like “Eh, that was pretty much every trip to Ralphs when we lived at the mansion.”
Here’s a not-knocked-up Kristen Bell at the NBC Universal Upfronts earlier this week.
Hollywood is continuing with its loooooong ass tradition of shitting up remakes and reboots that NOBODY asked for. A remake of Fantasy Island is in the works. Casting for the Baywatch movie is almost done. And here’s pictures from the L.A. set of the CHiPs movie. This is the HELL that the success of the 21 Jump Street movie hath wrought! Now every studio thinks that if they remake some old show and throw a couple of dude bros in it, they’ll have to learn how to scuba or else they’ll drown in all the money that will fall on them. I don’t know if that’s going to happen with this mess….
Dax Shepherd is playing Jon Baker and he’s directing it. Michael Pena is Ponch and Kristen Bell, Adam Brody, Vincent D’Onofrio and Jane Kaczmarek are also in it. I’d be all about it if Alexander Skarsgard played Jon Baker and Adam Rodriguez played Ponch, and instead of being highway patrol officers, they were security guards at a gay nudist colony.
I can already see the reviews for this and they look a lot like what’s on Dax’s shirt. With that being said, it’ll probably make ten times more money than the Jem abomination and that hurts me all over again.
Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.
“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant'” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. “I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”
Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.
By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.