I’m sure there’s a Fifth Element joke in there somewhere, but all I can think of is that the fifth element is Bruce Willis’s powerful pepaw jizz, and that makes no goddamn sense, because I’m positive you won’t find semen on the periodic table (unless you went to my high school, which was filled with perverted degenerates; in which case, yes, there is semen on the periodic table).
Pop a congratulatory can of Pringles for Rumer Willis and The Other Two (Scout and..uh…Bruce II?), because Us Weekly says that on Monday, Bruce’s wife, 35-year-old model Emma Heming-Willis, was presented with the award for excellence in the field of gold digging by birthing the couple’s second child together, Evelyn Penn Willis. Bruce and Emma already have a 2-year-old, Mabel Ray. Us Weekly also says that Baby Evelyn clocked in at nearly 9 lbs, so send your thoughts and prayers to Emma’s vagina. If that baby is like the older three and inherited her daddy’s massive cranium, she no doubt left a devastating trail of destruction on her way out.
Evelyn is pretty, but that middle name made me immediately think of Sean Penn, which caused me to hiss in Bruce’s general direction. No innocent child should ever be associated with a sunburnt taint wrinkle. Get CPS on line one, I want to find out if that’s considered child abuse or not.
I live for two millionaire pepaws going at it and slapping the Werther’s Originals (with protein and whey, of course) out of each other’s mouths. Or in this case, one is doing the slapping while the other lazily rolls around in a California King bed made of cash as his child bride moisturizes his bald head with imported seahorse caviar.
Sylvester Stallone announced on Twitter today that Harrison Ford is replacing Bruce Willis in Expendables 3 (working title: Old Hot Bitches With Guns 3) and he scratched at Bruce’s bald head while doing so.
Sylvester Stallone’s spokeswhore told HuffPo that he did write the tweet and the tweet was about Bruce Willis, but they refused to say anything else.
I don’t know what Bruce Willis did to set Sylvester Stallone’s buff b-hole on fire. Bruce Willis has always been the epitome of a perfectly pleasant and amazingly generous co-worker. I’ve never EVER heard of him being a complete ass dingle to everyone he meets. My guess is that Bruce wanted more money and refused to lift a cement truck for 10 hours a day in the gym like Sly does. GREEDY and LAZY. Sylvester didn’t have to hire Harrison Ford, though. He could’ve just pulled out one of his mutant arm veins, fed it some more HGH, taught it a few words to say and made it the newest Expendables cast member.
And if you’re wondering why Harrison would do this shit. A check is a check and Claire’s isn’t lowering the price on their starter studs anytime soon.
Here’s Sly’s veins trying to wiggle out of his arms while he was on vacation in St. Tropez with his wife a couple of days ago.
Bruce Willis doesn’t only look like a cranky dick, he acts like one too. Jamie Edwards from the London radio station Magic 105.4 FM (via Lainey) found this out the other day when he interviewed Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker during a press junket for Red 2. From the moment the interview started to the moment the interview ended, Bruce acted like Jamie Edwards bareback boned his wife while sucking off his daughter’s chin and punching his favorite puppy in the throat. It was one hundred percent awkward from beginning to end.
On one side, there’s a perky Jamie Edwards, trying to block Bruce Willis’ cunt glares with a smile. On the other side, there’s Mary-Louise Parker and Bruce Willis awkwardly sitting there like they’re stoned, confused and just a little bit constipated. If you hit the mute button, it looks like Mary-Louise and Bruce are sitting in a torture room and are being forced to watch a Justin Bieber video. Mary-Louise is trying to wish herself into a cornfield and Bruce Willis is on the verge of drop kicking a trick in the face. Bruce Willis looks like he would rather be licking the sex spot that Ashton made with his side ho on Demi Moore’s couch.
But seriously, I’m being way too hard on Bruce Willis. Being Bruce Willis is hard! Bruce Willis had to travel First Class on a long plane ride to London and then he had to check into a suite in a 5-star luxury hotel. Bruce Willis had to stand in his suite as his groomers polished his head, polished his nuts and dressed him. Then had to walk through his hotel lobby, get into a chauffeured car and play Candy Crush on his iPhone as he was driven to another hotel to sit in a chair in an air conditioned room and spend hours answering easy questions about a movie he was paid millions for. Jamie Edwards is a heartless motherfucker for not soothing Bruce’s pain by massaging his chapped asshole while holding a chilled cup full of POOR YOU under his mouth. Everybody needs to think of Bruce Willis!
And I love Mary-Louise Parker’s face during all of this. She’s giving the same looks I gave after I made the bad decision of eating a pot brownie before getting on the subway.
Here’s Bruce suffering through a photocall today in Munich, Germany.
Dame Helen Mirren floated into the premiere of Red 2 at the Village Theater in L.A. last night and everyone asked themselves, “Why does it look like Dame Helen Mirren is gliding on a sky cloud of angel farts?” (Side note: I know, that’s a dumb question for them to ask themselves since clouds ARE angel farts.) Their question was answered when Helen Mirren pulled up her homely green sack of a dress and showed off her exquisite lucite heel. It’s a good thing that the angels are always hovered around Shauna Sand, because they caught her when she fell back. LUCITE SHOTS FIRED!
This isn’t the first time that Helen Mirren has let the Empress of Lucite know that her throne is in danger. Helen used to wear exquisite lucite heels all the time and she told Jay Leno a couple of years ago that they were her secret weapon of elegance.
“I used to buy [stripper shoes] on Hollywood Blvd. $39, they cost me. I always used to wear them to red carpet events when I was nominated for things, because they give you an immediate seven inches. You’re on the red carpet and there’s Nicole Kidman, who’s like up here, Christine Lahti’s up here and you’re this little midget running around in between them. So I had to have my secret weapon and now everyone’s got them.”
Yeah, whatever. Helen Mirren can pretend she’s a lucite heel vanguard, but can she wear them while walking on sand? That’s the true test of a lucite empress. (Cut to Helen Mirren walking across the Pacific Ocean in lucite heels) DAMN HER!
Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom’s stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a “Pakistani beer” (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan’s Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It’s sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho’s parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don’t give that shit to a cop!
The NYDN says that after Scout, who’s a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn’t her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She’ll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.
Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop’s theme song is obviously “Cold As Ice.” If he had a heart, he would’ve gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it’s one of Bruce and Demi’s daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)
We already knew that, but now it’s confirmed with picture proof! Since Twitter is the new cover of People Magazine and “I’m so rich I don’t need to whore out my baby’s first picture to a magazine for a check” is the new “I’m whoring out my baby’s first picture to a magazine for a check,” Bruce Willis’ girl wife Emma Heming posted the first picture of their adorable daughter Mabel on Twitter this morning. Emma added this little note with the picture:
“A beautiful day in Budapest with the loves of my life. Daddy and Mabel cracking each other up”
I know you bitches didn’t read that note and I know you bitches aren’t reading this either, because I know you bitches are too busy squinting at that picture to see if Baby Mabel inherited the signature Willis girls bold chin. Nope, she didn’t. It’s Mabel’s loss, though. When Mabel’s in the mood for fresh guacamole and can’t find a pestle, she won’t be able to mash that avocado with her chin.
And here’s Mabel’s half-sister Rumer giving us Ore-Ida hash browns realness at a Nylon party in L.A. last night.
Bruce Willis’ girl wife Emma Heming birthed out his fifth child (if you including Ashton) yesterday and because he’s destined to live a life where he’s always walking into a bathroom in his house to find dirty period panties drying on the towel rack (I grew up in a house full of woman, so been there.), she had a girl! Bruce’s spokeswhore released this statement to People about his fourth daughter:
The Die Hard actor and Heming, a designer-model, “are overjoyed about the newest member of their family. Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully,” says the rep.
Weighing 9 lbs., 1 oz., Mabel Ray is the first child for the couple, who have been married for three years.
MABEL RAY WILLIS?!!! I love that Bruce and Emma named their kid after an 83-year-old memaw who works the cash register at a discount liquor store and became a local star when she pulled a rifle on a news reporter who wanted to talk to her about the jankem lab she runs in the bathroom of the abandoned gas station she squats in. Rumer, Scout, Tallulah and Mabel Ray sound like the members of a gang of bumbling girl outlaws in an old timey western movie. A Knott’s Berry Farm mess.
And yes, I read the “9 lbs. 1 oz” part and wondered if half of that weight belongs to Mabel Ray’s chin.
As Emma Heming’s chocha cringes at the thought of spitting out an anvil baby whose triple wide chin will put its strength to the test, Bruce Willis is congratulating his 56-year-old wrinkly jizz sack for still having it. Bruce’s rep confirms to People that his tater head gene is twinkling inside of a fetus in Emma’s womb. Let’s hope American Horror Story is real life and Emma is knocked up with rubber suit man’s baby….
The actor and wife Emma, a designer and model, are expecting their first child together early next year, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.
The couple “are overjoyed with this news and they look forward to welcoming this newest addition into their family,” the statement reads.”
This will be Bruce’s fourth kid (5th if you count Ashton).
And cut to Demi Moore lying inside of a wooden box, patiently waiting for Bruce’s latest tater baby to be born so it can use its chin to hammer the last nail into her will to live coffin.
Two seconds before I read that the New York Senate opened the door to same-sex weddings, my eyeballs inhaled these pictures of Jehovah’s sessiest witness moisturizing the ground in Montreal with his sexiness. It was the perfect pairing. You know, like a blow job and toothpaste.
Yes, I am perfectly aware that Prince once made the doves cry by saying that gay marriage is wrong (which he later took back). But even if those words trickled out of his pretty elfin mouth, I don’t believe he means it. WORDS MEAN NOTHING, fashion speaks volumes.
Would an amethyst nymph with Gladys Knight hair dress like an old Palm Springs queen at an Ishtar-themed wedding if he was against gay marriage? Absolutely not. Prince can’t fool me. Those platform flip-flops tell me that he wants to be closer to the arch in a rainbow. That purple turtleneck tells me that he doesn’t leave his kingdom without consulting the spirit of Maude first. That kaftan tells me that he does a mean Mrs. Roper impression when he’s in front of his gilded bathroom mirror. Don’t worry, girl, your secret is safe with me!
One rule we’re taught shortly after birth is that when Prince commands you to dance, you dance. I don’t care if you just suffered through a double leg amputation. When Prince orders you to move, you twerk those stumps with all your might. I don’t care if Prince is standing on your porch trying to get you to take a Watchtower pamphlet, you bust your shit before kindly shutting the door on him. Kris Jenner must’ve taught Kim Kardashian the “be a useless attention whore” rule instead of that rule, because at Prince’s final show at MSG in NYC last night, he declared her to dance and she stood their motionless like she was filming another sex tape (at the 0:55 mark below).
What’s the point of having a God (and plastic surgeon) given ass like that if you’re not going to stomp the beat with it? Dumb ho is dumb.
Not only did Kim block half of the audience’s view of Prince with her Jumbotron ass, but then she wasted everyone’s time by giggling like a moron and clapping like a deaf doctor asked her what she’s got down there. Most people would put their own children on the auction block to freak on that gold flower fairy in heels! Echoing what most of the country has been screaming for years, Prince kicked up his gold Barbie heels and told bitch to get off the stage and sit down. For real. Kim needs to stay sitting. Period.