Those who thought that POTUS’ oddly restrained (for him) speech before Congress this week signaled a new era of keeping his priorities presidential and his behavior semi-rational were wrong. President Donald Trump kicked off his weekend by “u up?“-ing the beautiful creature that holds his tiny heart – the Twitter bird! This pesky “my administration might have a branch location in the Kremlin” scandal has him wrought! But not so wrought that he can’t focus on the real issues!
All of you Trump H8RZ can now shut your crying holes over how the overused foundation puff doesn’t focus on real issues and tweets stupid stuff to distract the people from what’s really going on. This morning, Donald Trump finally addressed the one issue every American cares about: the ratings for The New Celebrity Apprentice!
Well, of course he will. What better way to uphold the office of POTUS with dignity and respect than appear on season 15 of your own reality show? Former governor of California and secret family keeper Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new “you’re fired!” character on The Celebrity Apprentice.
People reports that, during a press conference to promote the new season, Arnold answered questions about the recent revelation that our President-elect Donald Trump will still be listed as “executive producer” of the show in the credits. This, of course, has everyone wondering if this is a conflict of interest like some of his other business ventures. Ahnuld (a reputed fellow “pussy-grabber” to Trump in his own right) thinks Trump might even appear as a “guest advisor.”
I’m guessing that Mark Cuban, Russell Simmons, Richard Branson, Joy Mangano, Magic Johnson, Kathy Ireland, Sammy Hagar, Martha Stewart, hat mogul Phoebe Price, every kid whose made a profit from a lemonade stand, the dude who ran the swap meet booth where my mom bought all my socks from and every other entrepreneur in the world said “FUCK NO” to replacing Donald Trump in Celebrity Apprentice. Because today, NBC dropped a WTF dingle when they announced that actor turned politician Arnold Schwarzenegger is replacing turd mogul turned wannabe politician Donald Trump as the head ho of Celebrity Apprentice. “Hasta la vista, baby” is probably going to be the new, “You’re fired,” and I don’t like it. NBC pushed out this statement this morning:
“We are thrilled to be opening a powerful new chapter in the story of the ‘Apprentice’ franchise. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the epitome of a global brand in entertainment and business, and his accomplishments in the political arena speak for themselves. It was Arnold’s personal passion for the format that Mark Burnett and Donald Trump built over the last decade, as well as his fresh take on how to take it to new heights for today’s audiences, that made him the man to hire. ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ … will be back!”
TMZ says that production will move from NYC to Los Angeles and their source (aka the NBC peacock) thinks that now that Ahunld is involved, they will be able to get bigger stars instead of has-beens and reality show messes. Remember that when the new cast of the Celebrity Apprentice is announced and the only name you recognize is a trick from Teen Mom.
Jabba the Trump already tweeted about this news and surprisingly he doesn’t seem mad about an immigrant taking over his job:
Congrats to my friend @Schwarzenegger who is doing next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. He'll be great & will raise lots of $ for charity.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 14, 2015
And the winner of Celebrity Apprentice will win the title and a bunch of money for their charity, and Arnold will also welcome them to his team by bareback boning a secret baby into their body on his kitchen counter.
To raise money for after-school programs or something (the why and the wtf are never really made clear) Arnold Schwarzenegger disguised himself in a bus-stop wig and moustache to spend the day surprising people at Gold’s Gym in Venice, CA as “regional manager Howard Kleiner”. Again, I have no idea how this raises money for after-school programs; I’m starting to think it was just an excuse for Ahnold to wear a wig. And let’s talk about that wig for a second, shall we? I don’t know what kind of magical powers it had that made Arnold squint his eyes when he put it on, but it was giving me shades of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s aka STOP DOING THAT, DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE.
Of course, he wasn’t able to fool anyone into thinking there’s a new manager at Gold’s Gym who just happens to sound exactly like The Terminator; even after a guy straight-up calls him Arnold, he says “Yeah, Howard is my name”. Arnold, you’re not a mall Santa and these aren’t kids who need convincing that you’re actually from the North Pole. You’re a grown man in a messed-up moustache pretending to work at a Gold’s Gym. I’d just like to stress that I still have no idea what any of this has to do with after-school programs.
And even though he was wearing a wig and a moustache and gave himself a name that sounds like my Jewish accountant (shoutout to Howard Kleimann, CPA!) the real Arnold was able to shine through and still be a major creep to the ladies. Arnold/Howard approached one woman to tell her “When it burns, it grows” (excuse me??) and when she says he looks familiar he responds: “Maybe you saw me on the FBI Most Wanted list” (no, that’s not weird at all). Then he stands watching a woman do crunches and says: “I love what I see, and I see what I love”. One last time, if someone could tell me how this raises money for after-school programs, it would be a great help.
Brigitte Nielsen wrote in her memoirs last year that she hopped on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s schnitzel a few times while shooting Red Sonja in 1984, but he kept his tramp lips shut about it until now. Arnold’s got his own book coming out next week and since books don’t just jump to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list by themselves, he’s finally spilling it about the time he bumped bare pecs with Gitte.
According to Time, the former Governor of Mildred Baena’s Chocha admits that while he was living with Maria Shriver, he had a fuck party with Gitte. Arnold writes that getting with Gitte helped him realize that he wanted to marry Maria. Time put it like this:
Schwarzenegger and Nielsen co-starred in the 1985 film “Red Sonja.” Nielsen wrote in a memoir published last year that she and Schwarzenegger had an “outrageous affair” while making the movie and that she didn’t know until later that he was involved with Shriver.
Schwarzenegger writes that he knew the fling with Nielsen wouldn’t last and in fact it only made him realize that he wanted to marry Shriver.
Maria Shriver probably didn’t even waste energy on rolling her eyes at this, because Arnold has dicked everything and anything. Arnold has the Flat Stanley of dicks. It’s been everywhere. And Gitte should take it as a compliment that when Arnold was humping on her, he looked deep up into her flaring nostrils and only saw the image of him ruining Maria’s life by marrying her. Bitch dodged a bullet, because if she married Arnold, it’d end with her rolling around in the grass of a Studio City park while drunk on Popov vodka (that’s Russian for “given up on life”). Oh, wait…
And here’s some pictures from a couple of weeks ago of Arnold hanging out with a hot friend while looking like a blind ostrich who’s pumped up on the wrong kind of hormones.