There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn’t take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: “I’ll be bareback!” Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.
Radar’s sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena’s Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You’re Down Low Fucking You’re Boss!
During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.
Mildred’s MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted “GET TO THE CHOPPAH!“, I’d definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.
I’m sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won’t do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I’ve eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin’s backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she’d go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It’s like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.