I’m not sure why Rihanna is dressed like a late-90s JNCO-wearing E-gobbling Bif Naked-loving suburban skate park raver, but I don’t hate it – Lainey Gossip
Claudia Jordan from RHOA is wearing a dress that I can only describe as Sexy Mega Man, and now I’m really curious what that says about me (“It says you’re a huge nerd!” screamed my vintage Nintendo video game collection) – Reality Tea
Reese Witherspoon’s daughter Ava Phillippe is serving up some sassy teenage Glimmer from She-Ra realness, and that’s never a bad thing – Celebitchy
And that’s how you get a cease-and-desist letter from Austin Powers – Hollywood Tuna
Happy Thanksgiving from Chlöe Sevigny’s non-union equivalent! – Towleroad
There’s a Dollar Tree version of everyone if you look hard enough. Case in point, Ela Rose, the Dollar Tree Chrissy Teigen – WWTDD
Cut to John Mayer’s penis sending Josh Kelley a Thank You gift basket – The Superficial
Here is a picture of Chelsea Handler resting her tits on a boom box, if you need that in your life – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Apparently billion-dollar soap tycoon Jessica Alba doesn’t work out with 3lb bottles of dish soap like I assumed she did – Popoholic
I always read #21 in the voice of The Deaner, like “fuckin’ twigs” – Popsugar
Kate Hudson says you’ve got to work out if you want to lose weight, but what I want to know is for why is she wearing an extra-large napkin as a dress? – ICYDK
15 people (and one security guard) showed up to a Fifth Harmony show, which actually isn’t too bad considering it looks like they performed on the side of the road – OMG Blog
Why do I get the feeling Courteney Cox could swear those bitches under the table like a champ? – SOW
Cool, but what I’d really like are some dick pics of Ikaika Kahoano – Just Jared
Hollywood, you can reboot any 80s movie you want, just PLEASE don’t touch The ‘Burbs! – Pajiba
Ariana Grande Latte swipes back at Bette Midler for calling her a trampy toddler-voiced hussy – Jezebel
Alternate title for #11: the Dlisted office dress code – The Berry
Sometimes I really miss Lady CaCa’s (I said sometimes, ho) acts of desperate, shameless fuckery and today I really needed the laughs this disastrous mess brought me. Thank you, Gaga.
Before going into the closing party for her ArtRave tour in Paris last night, Lady CaCa stood on the sidewalk and completely transformed into a gigantic spiked asshole by inflating her Party City costume. An inflated costume to match her inflated ego. It’s a perfect marriage. Bitch looks like a humongous Christmas tree ornament and where was a 20 foot cat when we really, really needed one?
The video is even more of a gift. CaCa’s standing there on the sidewalk with a look on her face that’s supposed to say, “I am BIG, it’s the pictures that got small,” but she looks more like she’s trying to sneeze and cough at the same time. I know, an inflatable star. That a metaphor that’s stabbing you in the face.
I don’t exactly know where the pump is, but judging by the look on her face, we know exactly where the pumps is. Or maybe her farts are keeping it inflated.
If you’re screaming at CaCa to have a seat, look at her. She can’t have a seat. Tell her to have a lean instead.
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
Scientists and animal experts will tell you that luck dragons are usually very maternal and The NeverEnding Story showed us that they usually have words of support and wisdom for young humans. That trait must’ve passed LeAnn Rimes by.
LeAnn did a looooooooong interview with The Mail on Sunday (via InTouch) where she continued to show us that she lives in a fart bubble of delusion by saying that she and Eddie Cibrian were meant to be together and splitting up is not an option. (Cut to next year when the money train crashes and burns and Eddie leaves her for an extra from Vanderpump Rules.) LeAnn also talked about her upbringing and how she was the one putting food on the table at a really young age. LeAnn says that when she was a kid, she was EVERY kid. She was doing it all. So when she looks at her 11-year-old bonus son trying to get his shoe lace game together, she lets out a “pfft” over what a simpleton he is.
My mum and dad were not meant to be together. They got divorced when I was 14. I was sad but I was also fine; there was so much going on with my career that there wasn’t a lot of time to talk about it. But they instilled great values in me. I attribute my work ethic to my dad. He taught me to show up on time and know what I was doing. I have a great reputation in this business because of that. Most people don’t come back from things like my dad and I went through [the court case]. We didn’t speak for three and a half years. But now we are close. Eddie and I take his kids to visit my dad in Nashville.
I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’
I went to Brand Glanville’s Twitter and it’s still standing and hasn’t collapsed into a pile of rage, wine-infused tears and ash, which is surprising.
LeAnn is seriously such a kind and supportive bonus mom. But you know, the paparazzi that she calls have taken pictures of her doing absolutely EVERYTHING and yet, I’ve never seen pictures of her tying her shoe laces. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I don’t think luck dragons can tie their shoe laces. Shoe laces confuse them. So yeah, she’s looking down at little Mason for not getting a record deal at the age of 11 and yet ho can’t even tie her own laces. Get off your high horse, high horse.
Here’s the kind and supportive bonus mom, her piece and her bonus kids at The Grove’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony the other day. I see LeAnn flirting with Santa while he’s wondering why Blitzen is saying human words to him.
Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.
Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.
While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:
Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.
So the trailer for Jurassic World was released today, and in case you hadn’t guessed, it’s filled with dinosaurs. It also has a hot mustachioed Chris Pratt. I know, that alone is all you need to know. “HOT CHRIS PRATT WITH A SEXY MOUSTACHE, THE END”, followed by a bunch of gifs of him looking hot. Other than dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, I knew very little about Jurassic World going in to this trailer, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:
1. Remember the first time a scientist filled an island with dinosaurs and the dinosaurs lost their goddamn minds and started eating people and everyone was like “Fuck this, we need to get out of here“? Apparently no one else remembers either, because they’ve done it again. Welcome to Mistake Island!
2. Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development thinks it’s a-ok to send two kids to dinosaur island by themselves. Kitty NO! That’s a terrible idea! CPS is on line one, Kitty.
3. There is a terrifying water dinosaur equivalent of Shamu who eats a whole shark. They don’t mention its name, but I’m willing to guess it’s something like Sea Nightmare or Piss Pantsasaurus.
4. No Jeff Goldblum. I repeat, NO JEFF GOLDBLUM!
Obviously, you don’t need to see this movie if you’ve ever ridden the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios Orlando, because Jurassic World is pretty much the same thing: get on a boat, go to dinosaur island, one of the dinosaurs flips its shit, escape before you get eaten. Oh, what am I even saying? I’ve ridden that ride at least 10 times and my dumb dinosaur-obsessed ass will still be first in line on opening night.
Well, it’s official. Bette Midler is my tia who tells my cousins to pull down their skirts and stop running around looking like prostitutas.
Bette Midler took a little break from hunting down the pieces of trash who throw trash out of their car windows to tell The Telegraph how she really feels about the state of pop music today. While talking about her album of girl group covers, Tia Bathhouse Betty says that she’s sick of female pop singers using tits, ass and sex to sell albums and get people to pay attention to them. Bette, who got her start singing in gay bathhouses, used the Lolita Steve Madden bobblehead Ariana Grande Latte as an example. Bette shakes her head at Ariana when that prostituta niña humps a couch while yodeling out one of her shitty songs.
“It’s terrible! It’s always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch, looking so ridiculous. I mean, it’s silly beyond belief and I don’t know who’s telling her to do it. I wish they’d stop. But it’s not my business, I’m not her mother. Or her manager. Maybe they tell them that’s what you’ve got to do. Sex sells. Sex has always sold.”
Bette then got into the whole “sex sells” thing and doesn’t know why pop tricks are serving up some fuck action during their performances:
“Well whatever strictures there were have fallen apart. And now it’s whatever you feel like doing you can do. I mean, apparently people really like to pretend they’re having sex. They really like to slap each other’s butts. I mean, don’t ask me. It’s beyond me. I’m too old. I don’t know what the end game is going to be. I don’t know where you go from all that sex in your twenties. I don’t know how you sustain it.”
Finally, Bette had a little advice for pop yodelers like Ariana Grande Latte:
“Trust your talent. You don’t have to make a whore out of yourself to get ahead. You really don’t.”
Bette then went on to say, “And stop humping my lawn and get off of it, you hussy harlot whores!”
Bette is right about Ariana Grande. Ariana looks like she’s 12 and she’s always done up like a toddler Lola Bunny, so when she starts bringing the sex, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream for the authorities. Even Abby Lee Miller’s like, “Tone it down, girl, tone it down.” But then again what’s wrong with whoring it up to get some head (typo and it stays)? Whenever I have a thought to ponder, I look to the words of wisdom from our Patron Saint of Philosophy Cristal Connors. We all know how Cristal Connors feels about whoring it up.
“We’re all whores, darlin’!” – Cristal Confucius Connors to Bette Midler and the world.
According to Page Six, national treasure Chevy Chase served up some Drunk Pepaw at Thanksgiving realness a week early at the Humane Society’s To The Rescue! Gala last Friday in New York. Chevy was there to introduce Georgina Bloomberg, Amanda Hearst, and Kimberly Ovitz, but it sounds like he might have introduced his liver to several liters of the hard stuff before he crawled on stage, because guests at the event say he was a mess.
Apparently Chevy (who might actually be the real-life Pierce Hawthorne) was “a train wreck” who rambled on and repeated himself. His daughter – who was with him on stage – kept joking with him to knock it off and stick to the script. But even when he tried to gather his remaining sober brain cells and pull it together, but he was still a goddamn disaster. A source says that once he finally got around to mumbling out his introduction of Georgina, Amanda and Kimberly, he threw some shade by saying: “Kimberly Ovitz! Your father was my manager for 20 years, which explains why you haven’t seen me in a movie since 1988!” That’s when Georgina Bloomberg got on stage and read a messy bitch by saying “Thank you, Chevy, for making us all look so together.”
Damn, I don’t know if Chevy Chase was drunk or high or just stoned to hell and back on some of those super-strong pepaw pills, but it takes a lot to be the messiest mess at an event where half the guests are licking their buttholes and humping legs. Even the cats were probably throwing him side-eye as they horked up wet hairballs. Rule number one of getting sloppy: never out-sloppy anything dragging their balls across the carpet!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
I am tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking Jane! - ImpertinentVixen
And 9 months later, Courtney Stodden was born. – FluffKitteh