I couldn’t find just a picture of the McDanish and the McDanish alone, but in case you didn’t figure it out, it’s that square dough of deliciousness covered in angel cum at the bottom.
Now that McDonald’s has made every stoner’s dream come true by serving breakfast all day, people are screaming at them, “Bring back THIS and bring back THAT!” Case in point: Right after McDonald’s announced that you can stuff an Egg McMuffin in your eating hole at all hours of the day, my cousin made me think of the McDanish again. My cousin wrote on McDonald’s FB wall (I’m not joking, she’s that serious about her McDonald’s shit): “If you really want to make my dreams come true, bring back the danish!” I completely forgot about McDonald’s danish until then.
All the way back as far as the 70s, McDonald’s offered up a danish at breakfast and it came in cheese, apple and other flavors too, I think. It was around in the 80s and I believe for a piece of the 90s too. McDonald’s eventually shipped it off to the McRetirement home where it now lives and shares a room with the McPizza and the Onion Nuggets.
It was just a danish, basically, but people still salivated over it like it was a 9″ hard dick dipped in Nutella and rolled in crushed-up Oreos. I doubt McDonald’s will ever bring back the McDanish, but they should if they want their revenue to rise instead of fall. Because my cousin alone will buy all the danishes until she runs out of money, and even then, she’ll go up to the counter and say, “Give me all the McDanishes you have. I can’t pay you with money, but I can give you one of my kid’s kidneys. I mean, that’s what you use to make the McRib, right?”
Deborah Foreman (53)
Jessica “Chubs” Shannon from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (19)
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America’s fart-loving, sink-pissing sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence is currently shooting that movie Passengers with Chris Pratt in Atlanta. Jennifer Lawrence’s newest best friend forever and ever Amy Schumer was recently in Atlanta with Aziz Ansari, because their comedy tour made a stop there. While Chris, JLaw, Amy and Aziz were together in the same city, they had a slumber party and they showed bits of it on Instagram. You know, because if famous hos have a slumber party and they don’t Instagram it, that slumber party never happened.
Three members of the newly formed Farts And Sink Pissers Squad reunited again last night in NYC. Amy Schumer hosted Saturday Night Live and they all hung out together at the after-party. And after the after-party, JLaw reminded us that she’s the ~quirkiest~ and ~goofiest~ star in Hollywood by giving Aziz Ansari a piggyback ride into their hotel. Two things:
1. Brit Brit Spears wore that outfit much, much better in her video for Sometimes. I don’t even know why Jennifer Lawrence tried it.
2. Jennifer Lawrence is my kind of friend. I hate walking, because it takes energy, and so I could use a friend who’d carry me into places. Although, I’d make JLaw wear rubber gloves, because I wouldn’t want her nasty piss hands touching my jeans.
Our future president Kanye West is everywhere. Go pee. Right now. I guarantee you he’ll be in your damn shower. Hopefully he didn’t bring that wife. In the latest It’s Yeezy’s World news, President Obama gave him some advice on running for POTUS, and Kanye showed up to American Idol.
Lower your black veil over your face and merge your car with the funeral procession. Calvin Harris is no longer remixing Taylor Swift’s vagina. At least that’s what the one hundred percent reliable Grazia magazine (via Metro) is saying. Your mileage on this one may vary.
The blondenesses may have welcomed the dreaded “break” to their relationship stage. Both of them supposedly got freaked out over marriage rumors. Calvin is also said to be particularly distressed over the intense scrutiny that comes with dating Tay Tay and her insufferable brand. It probably didn’t help that he got spotted visiting an alleged rub n’ tug joint, either.
Talk of them marrying freaked them both out, neither is ready and suddenly having all this speculation took its toll. Calvin has found the circus surrounding their relationship overwhelming,’ the source said. ‘It was incredibly intense so they’ve taken a step back and are cooling things off.
Oh, and this next sentence gave ME a spiritual rub n’ tug.
Taylor was incandescent with rage when she saw the pictures and told him she wanted to break it off with him then and there. She felt humiliated that her boyfriend had been caught at such a seedy place.
#IncandescentWithRage! Tay Tay was aglow with fury! She ripped the heads off all of her American Girl Special Edition Taylor Swift prototypes! #Pray4TayTayAndDJ
Oscars sycophant and “smiling through horror” expert Anne Hathaway might come off as all sweetness n’ light in public. But it’s a very different story when the camera aren’t on her ass. You mess up her eggs, she’ll mess up your life. Ok, she’ll just complain and send them back multiple times. It’s a slow news day.
TMZ reports that Anne was on the Paramount lot recently, shooting one of those commercials that will only air in Japan. The set caterers, who were obviously drooling imbeciles, did not prepare Miss Hathaway’s eggs to her liking. She rejected those eggs! She rejected those eggs FOUR TIMES!
1st try: Poached egg too runny.
2nd try: English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached.
3rd try: Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2.
4th try: Egg, muffin and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg.
She should know better than to irritate people dealing with her food. Is she crazy? (Maybe.) She was totally welcoming something foreign into her repast. You save your complaint for after the meal, Your Highness.
Need I remind you that I once worked at an unnamed pizza chain where there was a horrifying food crime? A customer made the mistake of pissing off the pizza mistress. I will spare your sensibilities. I will say that she added an extra ingredient to the pizza while proclaiming that the customer could “have fun flossing with these.” True story.
Check out more pics of Anne with boyfriend Adam Shulman at LAX last month. Someone must have gotten her eggs wrong on the plane, too.
Stephen Dale (as played by Madison Smith) from Lifetime’s Unauthorized Melrose Place Story!
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The New York premiere of Carol (which is sadly not a movie about this Carol) happened last night, and it’s clear that Cate Blanchett is done dressing up like a 1950’s housewife because she showed up wearing the same sheer fake tattoo shirt thing that every Miami Ink-obsessed wannabe badass teen wore under their t-shirt in 2005. I feel like at any moment, Cate is going to crack a can of Monster and tell me I’m “so uncool” for not letting her go to the Papa Roach concert.
I’m sure Cate’s dress is a very fancy ~couture~ dress that costs more than my life, but it’s still giving me shades of Justin Bieber and his random-ass tattoos. It’s like, we got a couple solid bands, swirly flowers, butterflies, some old school heart-with-a-banner flash. The only thing missing is the Chinese character for “strength” on her wrist, a busted portrait of Jesus that looks more like Keith Urban, and a tramp stamp of two dolphins forming a heart as they leap over her zodiac symbol.
Here’s more of Cate totally looking like your friend’s mom who would always tell you to call her by her first name with goth Olive Oyl cosplayer Rooney Mara at the Carol premiere.
I know I should probably make a joke about Kristen Stewart’s tongue sticking out of her mouth like that, but I’m too busy thinking about how sad the paps will be when they find out that they will no longer be needed to photograph Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile’s daily coffee runs.
The last time we checked in on who Kristen Stewart was bumping her vertical sneer against, she was proudly telling you to Google her name and count the 8,204,261 pictures of her and Alicia Cargile that come up. But according to Radar, your search is going to start returning 404 – Not Found errors, because the vague gayelle love between Kristen and Alicia is dead. A source tells Radar that KStew and ACar have “officially ended their relationship” after coming to a mutual decision. The source adds that it was an “amicable breakup.” But of course it was! It’s always amicable. There goes my hope of hearing that Alicia caught Kristen in someone else’s coochie jar and responded by dramatically throwing all her black t-shirts onto the front lawn.
As for the reason why Kristen and Alicia took a match to their relationship, the source claims it was because KStew is so busy and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. OK, I believe that one; looking mopey and shrugging apathetically is a full-time job that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for extracurriculars. Alicia apparently also didn’t like being Kristen’s carry-on.
“Alicia does not want to be a part of her jet-setting life anymore.”
Damn, you know it’s over over when you’re willing to give up that private jet lifestyle. Alicia’s going to realize she made a big, huge mistake once she goes back to flying commercial and finds herself sipping on a lukewarm cup of Sprite while sandwiched between the toilet and a kid playing Eden xo’s “The Weekend” on repeat with no headphones. Alicia, it’s not too late! I’m sure she’ll take you back!