On today’s episode of This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, a fermented naranja in a blond weave named Jessica Simpson was her usual kind of drunk last night and had to be helped to her car by her husband/human walking stick Something McWhatsHisFace. Now, ever since I had eyeball surgery five weeks ago, I’ve been off the booze, which is why my sober liver is singing “I’ve Never Had This Feeling Before” and also why BevMo! calls me daily to tell me how much they miss me. Since I’m a lightweight now, I got a quick, but fulfilling buzz, just from inhaling the vodka, gin, wine, whiskey, hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes breath wafting out of Jessica’s boozing hole. So thanks for that, Messica! A free buzz is always a good buzz.
And Jessica may consider becoming a polygamist so that she can marry another human walking stick, because it looks like she needs extra help.
You know you’re a next level kind of drunk when you’re the only one playing limbo with a limbo pole only you can see.
Kevin Hart has recently found himself in a lot of trouble, which is a bit of an oxymoron for such a tiny guy. After previously laughing off rumors of shady backseat doings with a woman who wasn’t his pregnant wife Eniko Parrish, he apologized and said someone was trying to extort him with videotaped evidence of cheating. There were reportedly three videos; one involved Kevin getting cozy with a woman named Montia Sabbag, and another of Kevin and Montia allegedly having sex.
Montia got a lawyer, the ever-present during a celebrity mess Lisa Bloom, and held a press conference earlier today about this extortion situation with Kevin Hart.
There’s some people whose assholes refuse to spit out a turd unless they are in the privacy of their own bathroom. Then there’s other people whose assholes never get the shies and can easily make a caca anytime, anyplace. One of those kinds of people is now terrorizing a family in Colorado Springs, CO by doing drive-by poopings on their front lawn. The family is pissed about the pooping, which is weird since the cost of lawn manure is too damn high and they’re getting that shit for free.
Or should I say, her latest future mistake (since the chance that this will end in drama, drama, and more drama is medium-to-high). It’s Halle Berry, after all, and it’s not really a Halle Berry relationship until it inevitably implodes or the cops are called. But for now, lets all bask in the love, light, and cheesiness that the beginning of a Halle Berry relationship brings.
Anthony Scaramucci was on TMZ Live the other day, because
even assholes need paychecks in the face of nuclear war and the world going to shit, anything goes. The Trump White House unemployment line is forming outside the gates of Hollywood, and I can’t wait to see Steve Bannon pop up as a cashier at DASH.
The Mooch knows he’s only good to Harvey Levin for White House gossip and since we all know his thoughts on Reince Preibus, he had to talk about Trump’s favorite gal pal. No, not Ann Coulter. I’m talking about Tom Brady. Continue reading
Even though they haven’t been seen in public together since 2015, Laurence Fishburne and Gina Torres are still officially married so when she was seen macking on some non-Morpheus looking dude in public, pearls got clutched.