A week before the Oscars, the producers said that Andrew Garfield was going to make a very special appearance and induct a new superhero into the fraternity of superheroes. They said it was going to be a very moving segment. I took that to mean that they were going to move us all to a higher place by announcing that Courtney Stodden is going to star in the long-awaited Dazzler movie! But no, apparently Batkid was supposed to be the new superhero that Spider-Man was supposed to welcome to the superhero club. In case you just woke up from a long coma or you try to keep your black, molten heart intact by staying away from sweet news about children, Batkid is Miles Scott, a 5-year-old boy with cancer whose Make-A-Wish came true when parts of San Francisco were shut down so that he could live like Batman for a day. Batkid became a viral superstar and he was the reason why millions of hearts liquefied and melted out of orifices.
The Batkid Oscars segment was written, the sets were built and Batkid was at rehearsals on Saturday. But on Oscar morning, the producers told Batkid’s mom that they were cutting the segment. Batkid’s mom told IB Times that they weren’t really given a reason as to why Batkid’s Oscar dreams were stomped on.
“I don’t know if they ran out of time, or if there was something about the segment they didn’t like it. It got pulled so quickly that we didn’t have a lot of insight into what was going on. It is kind of a disappointment, but things happen. I know that’s how TV goes and how Hollywood is. We’re just not used to that; we’re from a really small town.”
Batkid didn’t go to the Oscars, but the producers gave him something better: a trip to Disneyland.
Andrew Garfield wasn’t at the Oscars and Radar said that a “personal matter” is the reason why he canceled on that shit. But Page Six says that the real reason why Andrew wasn’t at the Oscars is because he hates Batkid! Sort of. Some source (probably Doctor Octopus) told Page Six that Andrew was at rehearsals with Batkid on Saturday, but he wasn’t into the lines they wrote for him. He came up with his own lines, but the producers didn’t like them, so he quit that bitch and gave a kid with cancer the sads.
“Garfield refused to go by the script. He came up with his own lines. The producers felt that Garfield’s [rewrites] were not appropriate. Garfield had a tantrum. He stormed off. Miles and his family, who were at the rehearsal, were devastated.Garfield was such a spoiled brat that he didn’t even want to be a presenter.”
Not much makes sense about that story. If Andrew Garfield really is a child-hating demon who agreed to do the Batkid segment and then dropped out at the last minute, why wouldn’t the producers get Thor or Captain America or Batman to do it? Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans and Christian Bale were all there. I was going to suggest Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but then all of you would think that I was the one who hates Batkid. That kid doesn’t deserve that.
Besides if Andrew Garfield really bailed out on a kid with cancer, Pimp Mama Kris would walk into the middle of Sunset Blvd, paint a pentagram in goat’s blood, lie down in the middle of it and clutch Andrew Garfield’s headshot while proclaiming him as her new satanic overlord.
UPDATE: A rep for the Academy says that Andrew didn’t ruin the Batkid segment. The producers are the ones who shredded Batkid’s Oscar hopes by cutting it from the show.
“Due to the nature of a live show, hard decisions sometimes must be made which require the Academy to cut segments due to the logistics of production. Andrew Garfield understood that his segment had to be omitted, and he drove to Disneyland on Monday to spend time with 5-year-old Miles Scott (Batkid) and his family.”
If you’re invited to Alanis Morissette’s house for breakfast, be prepared for a giant bowl of organic wall-slides and leche-scented tears, because her chunky pooch Circus has been STOLEN! I know that your first instinct is to call up Detective Sarah McLachlan and beg her to get to the bottom of this dramatic dognapping, but you can go ahead and hang up the phone. Alanis knows who stole her dog, the dog stealer acknowledges she stole the dog, and the tension between the two is so thick and emotional you’d swear you were watching a telenovela called Mi Perro, Mi Amor.
According to TMZ, everything started back in 2011, when Alanis and her husband Mario Treadway (aka Souleye, aka never forget that stupid name) found the chihuahua-pug stray roaming the streets, so they adopted the dog and named him Circus. Circus then started bonding with Alanis’s housekeeper Maria Garcia, who would take care of the dog while Alanis and her husband were away. Then in January, Maria was fired (probably for forgetting to pull the 5-feet-long hair ropes from the drain when she cleaned Alanis’s shower) and Maria took the dog as part of her severance package. Except that he wasn’t part of her severance package and he’s not her dog.
Dogs are considered property under California law, so in order to get Circus back, they need to sue Maria for the return of the dog. So Alanis and her husband have filed a lawsuit against Maria demanding the return of Circus, and also $25,000, because why the hell not? Might as well make a little cash while you’re in court.
But it doesn’t take a Detective McLachlan to know that Maria Garcia is just a patsy; mark my words, the real dog snatcher is (dramatic music)…Uncle Joey Gladstone! He’s been bitter ever since Alanis revealed in ”You Oughta Know” that he was a woodchuck-fisting two-timer, and he’s out for blood!
(Pic: Flame Flynet)
“Yes, Leo. That’s YOUR Oscar.” – Nurse at Dicaprio’s old folks home. – Boyishglamorpuss
Misao Okawa, the world’s oldest person alive who turned 116 yesterday! Happy Belated Birfday!
Misao was born in Osaka, Japan on March 5, 1898 and yesterday at the retirement home where she’s lived for the past 18 years she celebrated her 116th birthday with the press. And at 116, she still looks fresher and younger than any Lohan. Misao is one of only 5 people alive, all women, who were born in the 19th century. Misao got the World’s Oldest Person alive title in June of last year after Jireomon Kimura, also of Japan, went off to heaven at the age of 116. Two of Misao’s three children are still alive and they’re both in their 90s. She also has four grandkids and six great grandkids. She told The Telegraph that the secret to living past 100 is to eat and sleep.
Already recognised as the oldest person in the world, Mrs Okawa will on March 5 reach the remarkable milestone of 116 – and attributes her longevity to eating well and sleeping at least eight hours every night, with the occasional nap thrown in for good measure.
“Eat and sleep and you will live a long time,” she said in a message to The Telegraph. “You have to learn to relax.”
So, if I want to live to see former president Blue Ivy Carter Jolie-Pitt at the presidential inauguration ceremony of her son Pax Junior Jayonce Jolie-Pitt in 80 years, all I have to do is eat and sleep? What a coincidence! Those are the two things I’m best at. I’m coming for your record, Misao Okawa.
Mary Wilson (70)
Tyler, The Creator (23)
Bubba Sparxxx (37)
Beanie Sigel (40)
Shaquille O’Neal (42)
Amy Pietz (45)
Moira Kelly (46)
Connie Britton (47)
Madonna Wayne Gacy (50)
D.L. Hughley (51)
Tom Arnold (55)
Alberta Watson (59)
Jacklyn Zeman (61)
Anna Maria Horsford (66)
Stephen Schwartz (66)
Rob Reiner (67)
Kiki Dee (67)
Gabriel García Márquez (87)
Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Had To Be In Maleficent Because She Was The Only Kid Who Wasn’t Scared Of St. Angie’s Ass
At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.
In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:
“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.
We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”
In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.
And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.
The trailer for the remake Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz and Rose Byrne is here and I’m still trying to figure out what in hard knock hell is Cameron Diaz doing. But more on her messiness in a second…
This trailer makes the movie look like it’s 100% pure made-for-basic-cable cheese. Watching this trailer made me feel like I was trapped in a room with a bunch of kids, and as some Disney Channel show blared on a TV in the corner they all threw buckets and buckets of fondue at me.
And back to Cameron Diaz’s ass… If Will Smith and the other producers wanted a Miss Hannigan who is not like Miss Hannigan at all, they nailed it. I laughed at Cameron, but only because her Miss Hannigan reminded me of my drunk Salvadorian tia doing an impersonation of Wanda from In Living Color after her 8th “margarita” I put margarita in quotes, because her idea of a margarita is a cup of tequila with a splash of lime.
What I’m trying to say is that this movie is probably going to make billions and billions of dollars and after I drunkenly hate watch it at 3 in the morning I’ll probably declare that Cameron Diaz gave the camp performance of a lifetime.
And here’s the riveting and crystal clear HD video of Justin Bieber peeing in a cup and the most surprising part is that he was able to do it without his potty training coach cheering him on for moral support – Popbytes
Dear Stanley Tucci, what in a check is a check hell are you doing in a Michael Bay movie? – Lainey Gossip
Either they blocked out Pamela Anderson’s twat flash or she really needs a heavy-duty tampon – Drunken Stepfather
In “Bitch Should Get A Bonus” news, Barkhad Abdi got $65,000 for his Oscar-nominated performance in Captain Phillips and nothing more – Celebitchy
The Porn Iguana did cartwheels on the beach and her medicine ball titties didn’t knock her chin bone out of her skull. It’s an engineering miracle! – The Superficial
So is Chris Harrison trying to tell me that I will pass out and die before my dream of seeing EJ Johnson as The Bachelor comes true? – Reality Tea
Katy Perry did the weather forecast in Australia and that’s cute and everything, but strong winds really need to come in and knock that Dora Explorer hair off of her head – Towleroad
Like Jason Momoa could really handle all of Betty White’s potent sexiness – Pajiba
I see Khlozilla got a hold of some Bro-tox – IDLYITW
I’ve looked through all of these pictures for Parasite Hilton’s “booty” and have come up with nothing except for a new allergic reaction to moldy pancakes – Hollywood Tuna
Sofia Vergara’s a natural blondie?!? – The Berry
How do you accidentally shave your head? Did Demi Lovato cuddle and fall asleep with an Epilady or something? – ICYDK
Duchess Kate is redoing her home at Kensington Palace and I’m assuming she’s going to commission an artist to paint Morrissey’s portrait at the bottom of every toilet – Jezebel
Keira Knightley’s dress is confusing my eyes and hurting my rib bones – Popoholic
I wonder how much crack does $250,000 in jewelry buys? – HuffPo
Titties come out in the promos for Lena Dunham’s Saturday Night Live episode and thankfully the titties don’t belong to Lena Dunham – OMG Blog
They don’t call her Tacky Pataky for nothing! – Popsugar
RiRi covered up her nipples for once. We should write this down in a history book somewhere, right? – Just Jared
Seen here celebrating Ass Wednesday early (I will get four chancleta swats to the hand for that one), Papa Joe continued to make up for lost time by partying with a patriotic piece, Heidi Montag’s future and another dude at a party for Naluda Magazine in Beverly Hills last night. Late-In-Life-Gay Ken took a little time out from “managing” male models to give that patriotic piece a place to sit. That patriotic piece is giving me Bobby Trendy and if he is Bobby Trendy, then I take back everything I said about Gary Busey and the Porn Iguana. This is my favorite new couple. Get it on that American spirit, Papa Joe.
During an interview with Australian talk show Sunrise (via NYDN), Katy Perry was asked about touching mouth lips with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show and she pretty much burped out an “ewwwwwwwwww” while thinking about it. Katy thought the kiss was going to be a G-rated 7th grade slumber party girl-on-girl peck and Miley wanted to bareback bone Katy’s mouth with her tongue. Katy dribbled out this half-gallon of fuel that will power your next 10 eye rolls:
“I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do. Then she like tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know! That tongue is so infamous!”
Katy does have a point, but is she really acting like her tongue has only touched freshly washed organic strawberries and the Body of Christ? The CDC will gladly tell you that Katy’s tongue has regularly visited HerpTown (aka John Mayer’s mouth) and has possibly taken a day trip to the Syphilis Mountains (aka Russell Brand’s nuts) and was most likely an honorary citizen of Chlamydia Ditch (aka Russell Brand’s peen slit). So Katy’s tongue shouldn’t get all uppity about Miley’s nasty tongue.
Here’s Katy at Sunrise and try to tell me that koala isn’t thinking to itself, “Gurrrrl, put on some rubber gloves before you pet me. You’ve touched John Mayer down there!”