SHOCK OF THE DAY: Dude didn’t get it from sucking on Parasite Hilton.Unless….his uncle IS Parasite Hilton.
I didn’t think the day that I’d write about Papa Roach would ever come, but it has and it involves the herp, of course. Jacoby Shaddix, the 38-year-old lead ho of the band you used to listen to in the early 2000s when you felt like the world didn’t understand you and you wanted to feel extra angsty, talked to Hit The Floor (via Uproxx) about all the “firsts” in his life. Jacoby shat up the story of his first kiss and CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES I DIDN’T NEED TO READ THAT SHIT. I really don’t need to check Ancestry.com to tell Jacoby Shaddix that he’s probably related to St. Angie Jolie and James Haven. This is all the proof I need:
“My first kiss was when my uncle kissed me and he gave me herpes. It was terrible. Anybody else got herpes? Yeah, you do. Don’t lie to yourself. I know you got it, you watching this.”
Papa Roach + creepy uncles + herpes = a reason for you to take a mental health day and spend your afternoon funneling Everclear into your ear hole to wipe that uncomfortable tidbit from your brain.
But I’ve got a question. What’s worse? Your uncle giving you herpes or your uncle giving you a new Papa Roach album? Or is that a trick question?
When Jay-Z casually (read: deliberately, as was instructed by Beyoncé and her cabal of sentient wigs) alluded to an unnamed “she” being pregnant with her second child during one of the last We Want Attention shows in Paris last Saturday, it might not actually have been the BREAKING BEY-BY NEWS we thought it was. According to OK! magazine (via Hollywood Life), Beyoncé spilled the bey-eans that she’s started shopping for pillows back in August at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower.
An attendee claims that Bey told her friends at the party that “Baby No. 2 was on the way”, which obviously means she received confirmation that the Illuminati has shipped her new baby from their headquarters under the Pentagon and it should arrive between 32 to 36 weeks. Please pay all applicable taxes and duties upon delivery. Sorry, no refunds.
But back to Beyoncé announcing the news of her second bey-by at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower. Would Beyoncé actually make Kelly’s special day all about Beyoncé? SHE WOULD! There’s no way Beyoncé was ever going to let Kelly “Second Lead Vocalist” Rowland steal the spotlight! I bet she walked in with a diaper cake like “Kelly, this diaper cake is for…MOI! Because I’m going to have another baby! Aren’t you all thrilled? Kelly, ask your fetus if it’s thrilled. Then ask your fetus to stay 3 feet behind me, because it’s sort-of in my spotlight.”
Meanwhile, Michelle Williams just found out the news today. No, not Bey’s baby news; the news that Kelly Rowland had a baby shower. “Uh…I guess my invitation got lost in the mail? Yeah, that’s it.“
Understandably, Apple and Moses Martin didn’t quite grasp the food group concept in health ed. – Eva_D
Mmmmmm, i bet that sandwich tastes like a million bucks – drewbai
Hardeep Singh Kohli, the British broadcaster who brought his A+++ patriotic fashion game to the BBC News coverage of the Scotland vote last night.
Today, THE QUEEN is slipping on her leather glove while she sits on her throne and is waiting for Scotland to lay themselves over her lap so she can spank them hard for trying to run away from her. The Guardian says that almost 45% of voters in Scotland voted to turn Great Britain into Eh, It’s Okay Britain by breaking away from THE QUEEN. 55% voted to make Alan Cumming sad by voting NO to become an independent country. Around 84% of eligible voters voted. David Cameron, the PM of the United Kingdom, said this statement of words after the vote was made official:
The people of Scotland have spoken. It is a clear result. They have kept our country of four nations together. Like millions of other people, I am delighted. As I said during the campaign, it would have broken my heart to see our United Kingdom come to an end.
And I know that sentiment was shared by people, not just across our country, but also around the world….because of what we’ve achieved together in the past and what we can do together in the future. So now it is time for our United Kingdom to come together, and to move forward.
THE QUEEN issued this statement:
If the United Kingdom was Destiny’s Child, I’d be the Beyonce and you, Scotland, would be the Farrah. You go when I tell you to go. Do not fuck with me again. Bleheheheeheheh!
But really, according to some emails I got last night and this morning, the badass star of the night was Hardeep Singh Kohli, a British broadcaster and Scottish Sikh who grew up in Scotland and works in England. Hardeep came to play hard by wearing a kilt, aviators, turquoise turban, t-shirt, white socks and sneakers. The dude next to him is like, “I’m only wearing boring broadcaster clothes, my argument is invalid.” I know about the whole “democracy is best, blah, blah” thing, but Hardeep really should’ve been the only vote, because a dude who puts together an ensemble like that should make all the decisions.
Jimmy Fallon (40)
Katrina Bowden (26)
Danielle Panabaker (27)
Lydia Hearst-Shaw (30)
Kevin Zegers (30)
Tegan and Sara Quin (34)
Noémie Lenoir (35)
Ramin Karimloo (36)
Carter Oosterhouse (38)
Alison Sweeney (38)
Victoria Silvstedt (40)
Stephanie J Block (42)
Sanaa Lathan (43)
Soledad O’Brien (48)
Kim Richards (50)
Trisha Yearwood (50)
Jarvis Cocker (51)
Cheri Oteri (52)
Mario Batali (54)
Lita Ford (56)
Rex Smith (59)
Joan Lunden (64)
Sally Potter (65)
Jeremy Irons (66)
Freda Payne (72)
Adam West (86)
Rosemary Harris (87)
James Lipton (88)
Jennifer Lawrence was at a Coldplay show in L.A. last night and sometime during the concert, Chris Martin pointed at her in the audience and said, “Aha! I see you!” Well, so much for Martin Lawrence. She’s totally going to dump him now. It’s one thing to be dating Chris Martin, but it’s another for him to point you out and let everyone know that you’re at a Coldplay concert – Lainey Gossip
Lady CaCa delivered an understated entrance at Athens International Airport. Norma Desmond approves! – Egotastic!
That blonde one throwing a stankified side-eye at Kendull Jenner does look like she wants to pull a Nomi Malone on a trick – The Superficial
Which one is Karlie Kloss and which one is Taylor Swift again? – Drunken Stepfather
Howie Mandel’s just thinking about how Heidi Klum’s chichis would look a million times better if they had Purell smeared all over them – WWTDD
I wonder if Alec Baldwin called the dean at the University of Phoenix a toxic little queen or if he went with a classic by calling the dean a rude, thoughtless little pig? – Celebitchy
Kandi Burruss’ A Mother’s Love will be changing its to title to A Mother’s Broke and will be performing for coins on a MARTA platform – Reality Tea
I read this headline as “Neil Patrick Harris Got Choked Out At His Italian Wedding” and I thought, damn, I didn’t know Doogie was into that Fifty Shades shit – Towleroad
It seems like Mila Kunis is entering her 5th trimester – Popoholic
Janet from 90210 had another baby – Popsugar
Now I know who Posh Beckham donated her old silicone titty sacks to – Hollywood Tuna
Chris Evans looks like a Gandalf astronaut and I still would – Pajiba
What in Dollywood parking lot hooker HELL is Karkoochie Tran wearing? – ICYDK
Lassie would never screw up like this – The Berry
Was Jean Kasem involved in a threesome with a homeless man recently? – OMG Blog
Connie Britton’s 1980s hair looks like a pigeon taking a nap and it’s glorious – HuffPo
I see what you did there, Just Jared – Just Jared
What kind of fart bubble of dumb did Don Lemon spit out today? – Boy Culture
Being the sheer definition of humble that she is, JLo went back to the Bronx today to remember the time long before she was Jenny from the Blocks (Blocks as in plural, because her multi-million dollar estate since on at least 3 blocks). JLo and her sister Lynda Lopez paid a private and intimate visit to the house they grew up in while the paps she called documented the whole thing. While dressed down for the regulars in $1,200 heels, $1,800 tailor-made jeans, a $900 shirt and $10,000 sunglasses made of actual gold, JLo took selfies in front of the house and met the current owner. JLo truly held back this time. Because I thought that every time the Queen of the Bronx returned to her original kingdom, she greeted the people by throwing hundred dollar bills at them while being carried on a gold throne by gold-painted topless dudes.
And since a jean jacket with jeans is a Canadian tuxedo, what the hell is this? A Canadian business suit?
In Not Alright, Not Alright, Not Alright news, the director of Magic Mike XXL, Greg Jacobs, tells The Playlist that when the sequel comes out next year, Matthew McConaughey’s oiled-up, self-tanner-covered nips won’t be in it. Greg says that of course Channing Tatum is coming back as Mike since he helped write the thing and he’ll be joined by Matt Boner, Joe ManJello and comedian Gabriel Iglesias who’s going to play a DJ. Greg says it starts shooting at the end of this month. Back in June, Gabriel Iglesias told UsWeekly that he heard the Texas T-Rex wasn’t going to be in it, because his ass is too expensive and “that whole Oscar thing, the nerve right?” So basically the Texas T-Rex is that rags to riches friend of mine who said, “Eh, there’s not really anything for me to eat there,” when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch at Chili’s. Bitch, don’t act like I haven’t seen you eat nachos made with saltines and melted Kraft singles before.
Since we’re on the subject of Things Not Coming Back To Magic Mike 2, here’s two things that shouldn’t come back to Magic Mike 2:
1. Cody Horn (Side note: Cody Horn is the perfect gay porn star name). Cody Horn’s dad was President of Warner Bros. when Magic Mike, a Warner Bros. picture, was being cast. Cody Horn was a human boner killer. The only thing she did in that movie was stare into the air with her dead eyes and tell the strippers to stop stripping. When I go to see a movie about hot dude strippers, the last thing I want to see is a judgmental nag telling the hot dudes to keep their clothes on. Trick, shut your mouth!
2. Any resemblance of a plot. Besides Cody Horn, the main problem with Magic Mike was that it tried to have a plot. Who cares about missing drugs and shit? Just show us 2 hours of Matt Boner’s greased up nalgas clenching and unclenching.
Oh, and I have a third one:
3. Cody Horn. Just in case you didn’t get it the first time.
And here’s Joe ManJello in a t-shirt and Sofia Vergara leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood after having breakfast today.
Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!
Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:
If animal control gets a call about a mangled, chewed-up worm wandering the streets of Southern California somewhere, can they please lure it over to them by waving a peen picture at it and then drop it in an envelope and mail it to me? That’s my b-hole. It jumped off of my ass after I read the words “PRINCE HARRY” and “SEX TAPE” in the same headline.
Shifty headline writers toyed with my emotions this morning when they wrote that Prince Hot Ginge and his on-and-off again piece Cressida Bonas enjoyed a sex tape together. The bad news is that PHG didn’t make a sex tape (as far as we know). The good news is that our down low parts are safe, because they’re not going to explode as we watch PHG hump on Cressida Boners while wearing a scrunchie cock ring. PHG and Cressida only went to see the movie Sex Tape together. The Sun (via The Telegraph) says that PHG and Toyota Cressida recently sat together in a darkened theater while watching Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel bone. PHG left in a car driven by his security team and Cressida left in a taxi. A source says that the night before, Cressida was at PHG’s 30th birthday party.