“Hello, is this the complains department for TIME magazine? My name is Beyoncé and I’m calling to let you know about several mistakes I found on the cover of your latest issue. First of all, it says “The 100 Most Influential People” but I believe it should actually say “The 1 Most Influential Perfect, Beautiful, Talented, Humble Person” with an arrow pointing to myself. Secondly, the word TIME is in a larger font size than the word BEYONCÉ. Finally, it appears someone has replaced my picture with a photo of a sad malnourished afghan hound.”
TIME magazine has released its annual issue of the 100 Most Influential People, the cover of which was given to (correction, bestowed upon) Her Majesty of the People’s Republic of the Universe, Queen Beyoncé. Well, at least what I think is Beyoncé. It could also be the missing 3rd Knowles sister, Crawlspace Kid. Whereas Basement Baby gets to pop up from the basement from time to time (usually when the family is out at The Cheesecake Factory), Crawlspace Kid remains stuck in the crawlspace, fighting off rats in her underwear and using an old Austin Powers in Goldmember poster as a blanket.
Because God and Barack Obama were clearly busy, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stepped in to write about what makes Beyoncé so influential and powerful and beautiful (why yes, I am making the universal hand gesture for jerking off). She says of Beyoncé:
“Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one.”
“She raises her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead.”
“Her secret: hard work, honesty and authenticity.”
I think I found another mistake. Sheryl probably meant to write: “Her secret: high-quality lacefronts, a good lip-synch coach, and a Photoshop iPhone app”
And somewhere in Hell, Satan is telling every demon to drop what they’re doing and start making a bunch of fake TIME magazine covers with Kim Kardashian’s face on them. “Look, it’s just easier this way. I really don’t want a visit from Pimp Mama Kris.”
Remember when you were in the 8th grade and you were sitting with your friend Cecelia when your other Ruby walked by and you went, “Hey, Ruby.” Then Cecelia rolled her eyes, smacked her lips and said, “I hate that bitch,” and you went, “Cecelia, Ruby is my friend, okay,” and Cecelia went, “Well, your little freeeend is a two-faced ugly bitch,” and you went, “Ugh, whatever, SAY-SEAL-YAH” before storming off all dramatic-like. Then two weeks later when Cecelia asked you to sign her yearbook, you wrote, “Have a hot fucking summer xoxoxo RUBY’S FRIEND.” Well, that situation pretty much repeated itself at a restaurant in the Wynn Las Vegas two weeks ago except the part of Cecelia was played by casino mogul Steve Wynn, the part of you was played by George Clooney and the part of Ruby was played by President Obama.
Norm Clarke of The Las Vegas Review-Journal says that a 52-year-old white millionaire got into a bitch fight with a 72-year-old white billionaire when Obama’s name came up. Two rich whores having a drunken, messy fight over politics isn’t exactly news, but these two melodramatic pissy messes made it news by burping up hilariously bitchy statements about that night to Norm Clarke. George says that Steve Wynn is a ranting mess who insulted his best friend President Obama. Steve Wynn says that George Clooney is an angry, delusional drunk. YES! I love it when two old rich bitches bring the drama and start scratching at each other. Pass the popped caviar and a Big Gulp full of Krug Brut.
George and Steve were having dinner and drinking tequila with a bunch of other people when George got heavily offended over Steve calling his best friend forever Obama “an asshole.” In an email through his publicist, George spit out this bitchy bitch slap:
“He called the president an asshole … that is a fact … I said the President was my longtime friend and then he said ‘your friend is an asshole.’ … At that point I told Steve that HE was an asshole and I wasn’t going to sit at his table while he was being such a jackass. And I walked out. There were obviously quite a few more adjectives and adverbs used by both of us. Those are all the facts. It had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with character.”
Steve’s version is a little different. Steve says that some CAA agent at the table made a joke about Mikhail Gorbachev and since George Clooney can’t handle his tequila and booze turns him into a delicate b-hole, he threw a tantrum and dramatically left the restaurant. The billionaire who kind of looks like a Wayne Newton statue made out of crispy bacon fat then channeled Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls, but instead of saying, “You know how bitchy fags can be,” he basically said, “You know how bitchy actors can be.”
“He stood up and threw a hissy fit. Then he sat down and started talking about the Affordable Care Act, and that’s when I spoke up. He didn’t like that either. I think my discussion about the Affordable Care Act was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When he’s drinking, he considers himself a close personal buddy of the president. He got up and said, ‘I don’t have to listen to this (expletive) stuff.’ The only person who got excited at the table was George, and he ran off to another bar. Clooney’s fun to be with when he’s sober. If you have a chance to drink with him, you want to get there early, and don’t stay late. Everybody who’s in my business, the casino business, knows to take actors with a grain of salt.”
Norm Clarke couldn’t ask the other people at the table what really happened because most of them died from second-hand embarrassment while watching two rich assholes try to out-asshole each other as their egos exploded. I’m Team NO ONE, but I did throw out a slow clap for Steve Wynn, because that Las Vegas-faced mess can throw shade. “...Take actors with a grain of salt.” Those are fighting words that will start a dance-off!
I can hear the Xander Jones truthers now: “YOU MEAN ”A PARENT FOR THE SECOND TIME’, RIGHT? HE’S ALREADY SOMEBODY’S PARENT! YOU CAN’T DENY THE EVIDENCE!”
The Year of the Diaper Genie has once again bestowed upon us another poopy blessing, this time to the home of Kenyan marathon fuckers Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. On Wednesday night, Olivia announced she’d evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her uterus (I literally just pictured a fetus in sweatpants eating Doritos and laughed for a solid 60 seconds, which tells me I should probably cool it on the morning booze) by tweeting a vaguely-artsy picture of her snuggin’ on her new baby son with the caption:
Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I’m the building)
First off, congratulations Olivia and Jason, mazel to you, babies are a gift, life is precious, etc. Now that that’s out of the way, Otis Sudeikis? Ain’t nobody got time for all those S sounds, especially somebody with a bit of a lisp like me. Every time I try to say “Otis Sudeikis”, I sound like a drunk Cindy Brady (although it’s not really Otis’s fault; I always sound like a drunk Cindy Brady). At least they were kind enough to throw Alexander in there to give my mouth a 4-syllable break from snake hissing. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.
Alright, now back to analyzing that black and white picture of baby Otis. “See that curve at the top of his ear? You’ll notice that Xander Jones shares an almost identical-looking ear curve. Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT!!!”
“The best shave a she-man Wookie can get, Gillette.”-Khloe Kardashian as new spokesperson for Gillette. – sarcasticlawyer
Katie misunderstood when they said she didn’t need to be a beard anymore. – Daisy100
Jesus shows himself all sorts of ways. Sometimes he shows himself on a non-organic banana bought at Stater Bros. and sometimes he shows himself through Brit Brit’s personal food of ye gods. Sometimes he shows himself when I’m skimming through the channel guide and I see that the Hallmark Channel is showing 8 hours of back-to-back Golden Girls episodes. Other times he shows himself when I search “Bait Bus trucker episode” and the whole episode shows up. The whole episode! And on Good Friday in Norco, CA, the owner and a server at the Cowgirl Cafe thinks Jesus, or some other bearded person, showed himself or herself on a half-burnt pancake. When Jesus was crucified, he didn’t bleed blood, he bled Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup.
Karen Hendrickson, the owner of the Cowgirl Cafe, tells KCAL9 that the night before Good Friday, she prayed to God to look over her restaurant and the next morning he threw her an “I got you, bitch” wink by showing up on a pancake during breakfast service. One of Karen’s servers, Edgar, also saw the face of Jesus and went on to say, “To me, it’s impressive because it was on Good Friday, and I don’t really see that very often.” Edgar saying that he doesn’t see that “very often” makes me think that he’s seen that before, which makes me think that Pancake Jesus isn’t that special. Hay-Soos is always showing himself on cooked Bisquick batter. But Karen still thinks Pancake Jesus is a delicious gift from God and is keeping him safe in the freezer.
“Some people can see Jesus. Some people are saying it looks like Abraham Lincoln or a hillbilly. Some people are even saying it looks like Charles Manson.
He’s still on the same plate he was when he was put up on the window. I plan on keeping Jesus on this plate and preserving him so I can share him with everybody.”
Karen should really rename her restaurant “The Jesus Or Charles Manson Cafe.”
I kind of see Charles Manson. But I mostly see Princess Bride Mandy Patinkin staring at a butterfly that landed on his finger. I also kind of see Frank Zappa smelling a fart.
If Judas shows his face on an Eggo waffle that’s been left in the toaster too long, we’ll know that Pancake Jesus is real. But if Squeaky Fromme shows her face in orange juice foam, well then….
Shirley MacLaine (80)
Katherine Webb (25)
Tyson Ritter (30)
Kelly Clarkson (32)
Austin Nichols (34)
Danny Gokey (34)
Eric Balfour (37)
Derek Luke (40)
Damon Lindelof (41)
Melinda Clarke (45)
Aidan Gillen (46)
Mark Vanderloo (46)
Patty Schemel (47)
Djimon Hounsou (50)
Cedric the Entertainer (50)
Captain Sensible (60)
Eric Bogosian (61)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (62)
Phil Robertson (68)
Barbra Streisand (72)
Sue Grafton (74)
Richard Donner (84)
Prepare to throw a RIP at the wig industry, because Nicki Minaj is done with wigs for now. Well, at least the wig industry still has RuPaul, Beyonce and John Travolta – Celebitchy
As Stacy Keibler sticks out her barely-there “Take that, Clooney” bump, George Clooney licks tequila off of his new piece’s chichis while totally forgetting that Stacy Keibler exists – Lainey Gossip
The fist up Elmo’s ass is off the hook – The Superficial
Reason # 456,984,986,999,101 for why Betty White is the greatest human who lives – Towleroad
If you need some slutty gardening done, then Sara Malakul is the ho for you – Hollywood Tuna
One of the Teen Mom tricks wants to birth out another 15 minutes – Reality Tea
Sarah Hyland shows us one way to get cast in a Woody Allen movie - Drunken Stepfather
A giant load of DUH falling on your eyes: Tori and Dean’s cheating scandal is about as fake as her dented and melted Tupperware bowl titties – Jezebel
Do I want to know what that DJ in the shark teeth t-shirt is doing to Duchess Kate with his eyes? – Popsugar
Sofia Vergara’s torso looks like your grandma’s dinner table with two hams on it – Popoholic
“THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER BECAUSE WE REALLY NEEDED ANOTHER FUCKING MARILYN MONROE BIOPIC,” said not one bitch ever – IDLYITW
If Jennifer Aniston really is going bald, she can give Nicki Minaj’s leftover weaves and wigs a good home – ICYDK
Hot pieces in cum goggles – The Berry
That Keegan Allen trick seems a little too old for James Franco’s tastes, but I guess a hand is a hand – SOW
And I’d rather watch a serious biopic about the life of the Cadbury Creme Egg – Pajiba
Eric Hill from The Bachelorette died in a paragliding accident – HuffPo
If you’ve ever said that Meg Ryan has a face for voiceovers, you should know that she listened to you – Just Jared
And here’s ASkars’ younger brother on HERO Magazine – OMG Blog
Australian rapper Iggy Azalea’s (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) crowdsurfing days are pretty much over, because almost every time she throwns herself into the audience, some gross motherfucker has to finger rape her. While talking to NYC’s Hot 97 about her new album, the subject of crowdsurfing was bought up and Iggy said she’s done with that mess because sick fucks can’t stop assaulting her. Iggy says that girls are the worst offenders and she has to wear four layers of fabric to protect her chocha from wandering fingers. She should just wear a tiny bear trap on her crotch that closes every time a finger touches it. That’ll solve it. Iggy said this:
“I know I had to stop. It’s funny, because we were talking about how on my tour I’m only doing 2000 seaters, but I still have to have barriers even if it’s like 200 people. Because people try to finger me. But I will get lurk tweets for like a week before my show like, ‘I’m about to go to the Iggy Azalea show and I’m gonna finger her and…’ I’ll see it and be like, ‘Please don’t, that’s a violation. I actually don’t like that stuff.’ Like they think I’m really slutty like, ‘Oh she’s got a song called Pussy I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? I don’t want that. Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.
The crazy thing is girls will try to do it the most. Girls will try to do it more than guys. Girls think it’s cool like, ‘We’ve both got vaginas. It’s fine.’ It doesn’t make it okay. Now, no lie, I wear two pairs of underpants and then a pair of skin-colored tights and then my pants as a protection barrier.”
I’ve heard the whole “If you don’t want to get fingered, don’t crowdsurf!” argument, but shouldn’t Iggy be able to enjoy the joys of crowdsurfing (I’ll get back to on what those “joys” are because I can’t think of one) without worrying about someone giving her an unwanted pelvic exam? It’s not like they’re just touching her ass to hold her up. They’re going in. It would be different if before she jumped into the crowd she said, “Okay, whores, finger condoms on! I’m going to crowdsurf. Feel free to finger me, but you must buy me a top shelf drink afterward.” And I may or may not have said that while dancing on a box at a gay club in 2003.
Here’s Iggy Hot 97 interview and the crowdsurfing talk starts at the 0:40 mark.
When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.”
Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.
Raise a glass of whatever power lesbians are drinking noadways (Clamato and vodka?) to Jodie Foster who got married to her girlfriend of almost a year, photographer and actress Alexandra Hedison, over the weekend. I know I should keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine, but I can never keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine. Jodie had a 20 year-long relationship with her partner, righteous soul sister and co-mom to her two kids Cydney Bernard but that supposedly ended when she got caught with her mouth on the cookie jar of another woman named Cindy Mort. But now Jodie’s doing the holy matrimony coochie bump with Alexandra Hedison who dated Ellen DeGeneres for three years. Hollywood really is just one big swap party and since Alexandra went from Ellen to Jodie, Rosie O’Donnell is looking at that hot piece while licking her chops and thinking to herself, “All mine in two years.”
E! has all the thrilling details:
I can exclusively reveal that the Oscar winner and her photographer girlfriend of almost a year got married this past weekend.
A rep for Foster confirms the happy news.
As E! News first reported, the two started dating sometime last summer.
“It’s pretty serious,” a source told us in September. “They’re totally in love.”
Jodie and her new wife haven’t even been together for a year, but I don’t blame her for getting married so fast. I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on The L Word.
E! doesn’t have anymore details like what Jodie wore (a power suit, she wore a power suit) or who went to her wedding. But if her best friend forever Mel Gibson was there, I’m sure everybody got the warms in their hearts when he raised his glass and said, “Congrats to my favorite dyke!”