If you’re having too good of a Sunday and are looking for something to bum you all-the-way out, you’ve come to the right place!
As many people know, Mariah Carey and her older sister, Alison Carey, haven’t talked or had any contact with each other in years. Mimi reportedly cut off contact with Alison after she sold a story to The National Enquirer and threatened to write a tell-all. Alison has been open about her addiction to heroin and how she’s worked as a pussy peddler on-and-off for years. Alison is also HIV positive. Alison has to use the tabloids to get a message to her sister, and the last time she did that was back in March when she begged Mimi for money. Alison claimed that she survived a violent home invasion attack that left her needing brain surgery and a hip replacement. Alison asked Mimi for help. Alison reportedly inherited $1.6 million from their father Alfred Carey when he died in 2002, and she used some of the money to set up trust funds for her children. The rest she blew on the bad shit.
Alison is still in a bad way, because The Daily Freeman reports that 55-year-old Alison was arrested on Friday in Saugerties, NY after an investigation led to the police finding out that she was hooking out of a hotel room for a week.
It’s just like that old saying, you know? The couple who wears giant matching diamond rings together, stays together after a cellphone fight in Beverly Hills (that’s a saying, right?). Two weeks ago, Diddy and Cassie reminded everyone they were still together by getting into a messy breakup fight in a car that ended with him stealing her cellphone and her mom calling the police. It sounded like the “U” in Cassie’s “Me & U” was no longer Diddy. However, some sources were saying that nobody was planning a “Congratulations, your crotch is free!” party for Cassie or Diddy just yet, because they breakup a lot and it usually doesn’t last. Looks like the sources were right on that one.
What? No! How could anyone be afraid of Courtney Love? She’s just a sometimes-crazy, bad-with-money 52-year-old woman who does not play and hangs out with Sam Lutfi and okay I see it now. Run, Frances Bean Cobain’s ex, run!
The rules and eligibility speech that Cyndi Lauper gave in “ancient Babylonian” at the beginning of the very first MTV VMAs!
The 32nd MTV VMAs (or as it’s currently known as: The Annual Kanye West Making Shit About Kanye West Ceremony) is happening tonight, and RiRi is going to open with a performance that will probably include her shitting on a Pope impersonator, but back in the medieval days, it opened with some real star power and entertainment. The very first MTV VMAs happened on September 14, 1984 and it opened with a reading of the rules by Cyndi Lauper. Only rich people were able to watch it live, because only rich people could afford cable back then. (Side note: In the 80s, I based the wealth of my friends’ families on whether or not they had cable and which channels they had. I thought that only richies could afford that shit.)
At the beginning of the inaugural VMAs, a then 38-year-old Bette Midler and a then 32-year-old Dan Aykroyd introduced a then 31-year-old Cyndi Lauper to the stage to read the eligibility and voting rules. Cyndi, who won a VMA for Best Female Video for Girls Just Want To Have Fun that year, dribbled out some high-pitched gibberish that she called “ancient Babylonian.” It sounded like a cross between “Ozzy Osbourne on novocaine and helium speaking Greek backwards” and Nell having an orgasm. What I’m trying to say is that Cyndi was 95% more coherent than Kanye and 100% more coherent than Ryan Lochte. Take it away, Cyndi!
If you’re watching the VMAs tonight, your drinking game is: guzzle the sweet nectar down every time you say to yourself, “I wish I was watching Cyndi Lauper speak gibberish instead.” You’ll be speaking drunk gibberish about 20 minutes in.
Jennifer Coolidge (55)
Josiah Duggar (20)
Chickadee from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (22)
Kyle Massey (25)
Andreja Pejić (25)
Katie Findlay (26)
Cassadee Pope (27)
Armie Hammer (30)
Florence Welch (30)
Tanisha Thomas (31)
Sarah Roemer (32)
LeAnn Rimes (34)
Carly Pope (36)
Todd Eldredge (45)
Jack Black (47)
Jason Priestley (47)
Billy Boyd (48)
Shania Twain (51)
David Fincher (54)
Emma Samms (56)
Scott Hamilton (58)
Daniel Stern (59)
Luis Guzmán (60)
David Soul (73)
Pic: The Groundlings
Believe it or not, I’ve fallen in love with worse. KCAL 9 reports that Fresno, California’s Touche the Tortoise busted out of her tortoise prison and slowly ambled six and a half miles. Why? She did it for love! When her owner Nancy Knauss finally found Touche, this is what she was dismounting from:
That’s the reason Touche busted out. To get some of that tortoise-shaped drain cover dick. Touche’s caretaker lady thinks that Touche fell in love with the drain cover due to its shape. Unfortunately for Touche, that drain cover looks like the kind of municipal equipment you have a good time with once, and then they’re off to the next hermit crab or whatever. Again, we have something in common. I’ve fallen in love with plenty of things due to their shape, only to find out that either the presentation was a lie or the “storm drain cover” came attached to a douche!
Check out the story of how Touche the Tortoise found her true love below!