Today is World Turtle Day, and while Ramon Singer celebrates the day by having Turtle Time all day long (read: getting Pinot Grigio drunk, but what else is new?) and others celebrate by sending Mitch McConnell a gift basket of grasshoppers and wet lettuce, I’m honoring the day by paying tribute to the other turtle toys of the 1980s. As those attention whores in a half-shell named Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got all of the shine in the 1980s, the Turtle Tots were quietly sitting on toy shelves.
Ghost of the Doll says that Mattel started selling the Turtle Tots in 1988. They were turtle plush toys with eyebrows like a unicorn’s pube patch and they came in all of the pastel colors of the 80s rainbow. Because a pastel turtle toy wasn’t weird enough for the 80s, they were also babies and wore bonnets, diapers and had their own bottle. There were several of them and they had names like rich country-club going trust fund girls (Tootles, Torry, Trista, Tutu, etc…).
So, happy World Turtle Day to the Turtle Tots! They’ll always be the premiere turtle toys of the 1980s to me (no, they won’t, but don’t tell them that).
Pic: Ghost of the Doll
Dame Joan Collins (84)
James Charles (18)
Heidi Range (34)
Lane Garrison (37)
Kelly Monaco (41)
Matt Flynn (42)
Ken Jennings (43)
Eric Nies (46)
Guinevere Turner (49)
H. Jon Benjamin (51)
Melissa McBride (52)
Tom Tykwer (52)
Karen Duffy (55)
Linden Ashby (57)
Lea DeLaria (59)
Drew Carey (59)
John Quiñones (65)
Linda Thompson (67)
Charles Kimbrough (81)
Rosemary Clooney (1928-2002)
Twitter dreams do come true! RiRi and Lupita Nyong’o will star in a buddy comedy that’s based on a tweet that said they look like friends who scam rich white men. Issa Rae will write the script and Ava DuVernay is directing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to furiously search the internet for a picture of both Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba, so that I can tweet that they look like sex addicted lovers who can’t stop fucking each other – Popsugar
Russell Crowe, who once said that he was on Team Nicole Kidman after her divorce from Tom Cruise, is now on Team Neutral, because I guess he’s not getting multi-million dollar offers to star opposite Nicole in big-budget movies – Lainey Gossip
Prostitution Whore-ah, formerly of Real Housewives of New Jersey, got engaged for the 4 millionth time – Reality Tea
Never mind Nicole Kidman wearing what looks like a costume from a Las Vegas production of Some Like It Hot, John Cameron Mitchell and his checkered bulge (yes, I zoomed in) are stealing the shot – Celebitchy
And here’s Olsen nips brought to you by the third Olsen – Drunken Stepfather
Sense8 delivered some b-hole quivering From Here To Eternity gay action complete with thongs! – Towleroad
Move to the side, Blake, Gwen and Nicole, and let that blond dandy (aka the real star of the picture) step forward – Hollywood Tuna
Ariel Winter looks like she’s doing Hipster Ariel cosplay – Popoholic
Like every other damn show on the planet, The L-Word may be getting some kind of revival – OMG Blog
Future inmate #666 Abby Lee Miller tried to get in to see Hello, Dolly! and was basically told “Bye, Abby!” – Jezebel
Lin-Manuel Miranda’s voice will be in the DuckTales reboot – Pajiba
And because it’s been another shitty news day, let’s end with some Charo and Mr. T! – SOW
Based on the trailer, the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is about Johnny Depp, playing the character of Captain Johnny Depp, facing off against Javier Bardem as a character named Captain Armando Salazar. But according to a blog post by PotC:DMTNT co-writer Terry Rossio (via Screen Rant), Javier Bardem’s villain character was originally written as a woman. And the reason that character is no longer a lady is because Johnny Depp didn’t want it that way.
The details are pretty blurry and it seems like there’s all kinds of misinformation being thrown around on Twitter, but so far we know for sure that some kind of awful incident happened at Ariana Grande’s show at Manchester Arena in England tonight and multiple people have died.
Update: The BBC reports that witnesses say there was at least one big explosion that came from the back of the arena behind where everyone was sitting. It’s currently being treated as a possible terrorist attack. And in more even horrific news, Greater Manchester Police confirm that 19 have died so far and there’s around 50 injuries.
TMZ says that witnesses say they heard some kind of loud boom at the end of her show. Some described the “boom” as being explosions, others say it sounded like a speaker popping and some say they thought it was a balloon popping. Whatever it was, it caused people to freak out and stampede out of there. There’s videos on Twitter and YouTube of people running out of the arena. Greater Manchester Police tweeted out a note saying that anybody who doesn’t need to be in the area (aka nosy tricks) need to stay away .
Police statement on incident at Manchester Arena pic.twitter.com/gaKASukx9a
— G M Police (@gmpolice) May 22, 2017
Ariana had already left the stage and her rep said that she’s “okay.”
Since Salma Hayek is married to a billionaire, that better not be one of Katy Perry’s old ones. That wig better be made from a mane that was donated by an actual pastel pink unicorn. Or a wig made from the pubes of the actual Jem.
At the Women in Motion party at Cannes last night, Salma worked a cotton candy lace front while posing with her billionaire husband and Isabelle Huppert on the black carpet. That wig isn’t the look, but Salma obviously disagrees with me, because She. Is. Feeling. Her. Self. Throw a pink wig on Salma Hayek and suddenly she’s come hither-ing for her life.
And yesterday when my hungover eyes saw these pictures in thumbnail form on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Kylie Jenner wearing more bronzer than usual. I hope I’m the only one who thought that and nobody told Salma they reminded her of Kylie Jenner. Because if they did, she’d torch that wig and get a new face installed on her head so nobody would ever say the words, “You kind of remind me of Kylie Jenner tonight,” to her again. And honestly, that’d be a reasonable reaction.