Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.

At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:

“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”

Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.

And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.

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Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Nigella Lawson’s 70-year-old millionaire husband Charles Saatchi has backed away from that whole “Oh, we were just playing a little game of “I choke you out and you look terrified as shit’” claim and has accepted a warning from the police for strangling her during a fight on the patio of their favorite restaurant in London last week.

The London Evening Standard says that Choke You Out Charlie went to the police station and talked with investigators for four hours, but only because he wanted to get the whole situation behind him so he can get back to putting his hands on Nigella’s mouth and neck when his ears don’t like the words that she’s saying. Even though Nigella never filed a report, Charles says he took the blame and sashayed away with nothing but a small slap on the nalgas. Charles strangling Nigella was more intense than the slap the police gave him. Charles said this about the whole thing:

“Although Nigella made no complaint I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.”

Nigella hasn’t said anything about this, but her rep said that she and her chirruns left their house. The rep didn’t say if it was temporary or permanent.

A caution? That’s like a soft slap on the hand followed by a boo boo kiss. Sometimes the police are funny. This is why abuelitas should run the police force in every city in every country. An abuelita’s idea of a warning is the down-eye of doom she throws as she pulls her chancelta off of her foot.

Kanye Kardashian (née West) queefed out this American Psycho short shit show to promote Yeezus and I’ve never been attacked with a chainsaw by Patrick Bateman while a starving rat ate cheese out of my culito, but I have a feeling that’s less painful than watching this wretched turd. Everybody (including my dumb ass) who said that Scott Isadick needs to play Patrick Bateman in some form needs to slap themselves with a Huey Lewis CD for putting that idea into the universe, because now that nightmare has come true. Scott’s acting is so damn awful that he makes the “walrus coming out of a long coma” moans that Kim Kartrashian makes in her sex tape seem like they came from an actual human who feels real human emotions. Yes, Scott brutally murders Jonathan Cheban (aka the troll that Khloe Kardashian found hiding in a tree hole while she was out hunting for deer one night), but even that can’t save this mess.

Scott’s voice gets so high at the end that it sounds like Pimp Mama Kris is grabbing his nutsack with her demon claw and slowing pulling it out by the root. He sounds like Mickey Mouse getting castrated. And yes, a castrated Mickey Mouse would make a better Patrick Bateman than Scott Disick.

via HuffPo

At any time of day, on any day of the week, you can close your eyes and know that somewhere in the world Mimi is running around all horny-like with her Hello Titty balls out. Every ho should take comfort in that.

Yesterday, the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of the Lambs Instagrammed pictures of her shooting a video in Italy in with brain damage inducer Miguel. And it isn’t a Mimi video unless she’s wearing something that makes it easy for her Wuzzle nipples to pop out at any second. That monokini looks like it was made using scraps from the old Slut Dress (NEVAH 4GET) and metal triangle protractors. That giant black arrow pointing to her butterfly cave is really what takes this look to the upper echelons of elegance.

And in other Mimi news, Troll Dupri tweeted that her next album is coming out on July 23rd and she’s calling it The Art Of Letting Go. TOO EASY.

Hairy “Pervert Guard” Stockings from China!

Yeah, I know you’re rolling your eyes and sighing into your coffee thinking that this is just another Kartrashian post, but it isn’t. Sort of. On Weibo (China’s answer to Twitter) yesterday, one of the most popular stories was about a pair of furry stockings for young girls called 防狼丝袜, which roughly translates into “Kardashian legs.”  The caption that went with the picture above reads like this:

“Super sexy, summertime anti-pervert full-leg-of-hair stockings, essential for all young girls going out.”

That picture is supposedly of the hairy stockings and it’s not just a picture of a dude with hairy legs wearing hairless feet stocks. There’s a chance that this could be fake, but then again it’s coming from China and China is trying to dethrone Japan as the land of fresh fuckery. Sure, this mess could keep perverts from eye-boning your legs, but as soon as you step outside the house in these, Lamar Odom is immediately going to hump one leg while Scott Disick humps the other. Nobody wants that.

Whoever made these are marketing them to the wrong crowd. They should market these to naturally hairless twinks who want to butch up their look and be the hottest cub on the bear circuit. Hairy ass underwear and hairy dick condoms not included.

via Laughing Squid (Thanks, Ben and Leon!)

Raffaella Carrà (70)
Max Records (16)
Willa Holland (22)
Renee Olstead (24)
Blake Shelton (37)
Kerry Butler (42_
Kurt Browning (47)
Robin Christopher (48)
Kim Dickens (48)
Dizzy Reed (50)
Alison Moyet (52)
Andrea Evans (56)
Carol Kane (61)
Isabella Rossellini (61)
Sir Paul McCartney (71)

Tammy Lynn Michaels can take a break from writing haikus about how Melissa Etheridge has left her so poor that she has to feed her kids dirt pies and dirty sock soup, because today the Brangeloonies are going to scratch at Melissa so she doesn’t have to. When St. Angie Jolie wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, many called her brave and a chapter devoted to all her acts of sainthood were added to the Bible. But Melissa Etheridge is not one of those people who think that St. Angie was brave. Melissa’s ass thinks the opposite.

Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and she went through a whole lot of chemotherapy. Since Melissa is a breast cancer survivor, The Washington Blade (via UsWeekly) asked her what she thinks of St. Angie’s decision. Here’s what Dr. Melissa Etheridge said:

I have to say I feel a little differently. I have that gene mutation too and it’s not something I would believe in for myself. I wouldn’t call it the brave choice. I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not. Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer so I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels. I’ve been cancer free for nine years now and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer. There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.

This sort of reminds me when I got hit by a bike at the beach and as I’m lying on the ground with my side split open, crying in pain, some stranger lady said to me, “Just think soothing thoughts. Think of swimming in the ocean.” The only thought I was thinking to myself was, bitch, how can I think of rainbows and dolphins and mermaids when my body is split open. Give me some damn morphine and then I’ll quit crying to tell you a colorful and magical tale about Ariel and her sea creature friends and shit.

If only St. Angie talked to Melissa before she went through that surgery. Then she would’ve found out that all she had to do was eat some lentils, squeeze a stress ball and take a few Calgon baths. So now you tell us, Melissa!

And if it wasn’t for that whole “out and proud lesbian thing,” Scientology would totally embrace Melissa and make her their High Priestess of Medicine.

Goopy Paltrow’s organic, conflict-free, grass-fed nipples made an appearance the other night – Lainey Gossip

JINX MONSOON GOT ROBBED! – Towleroad

Christie Brinkley’s chichis make the most out of a fug dress that looks like floral vomit – Hollywood Tuna

I don’t know if Everly Tatum is sleeping, thinking of breastfeeding on Channing Tatum’s tit or trying to figure out why her daddy is wearing a hoodie he got at that Tijuana border – Celebitchy

Paris Jackson has wonderful taste – The Superficial

“Cameron, can you please move about 45 steps to your left. You’re blocking Kate’s chichis” is probably the most used line on the set of The Other Woman – Drunken Stepfather

You know blind items have ruined you when you see a picture of Giada De Laurentiis and all you can think about is how she’s supposedly the blow job queen – Popoholic

Madame the Puppet looks WHORENDOUS! – Reality Tea

It’s nice to know that you can still get a pedicure in Mordor – ICYDK

Jay-Z tries to out-Kanye Kanye – IDLYITW

Pimp Mama Kris totally hacked into Beyonce’s site and wrote that message. Get the Internetz police on this! – HuffPo

Joe ManJell-O should really look into opening up a topless refrigerator moving service – Just Jared

Justin Bieber will take one of everything - OMG Blog

In case you wanted to know what Liberace’s peen was like…. – SOW

In other words, Amanda Bynes thinks everybody but Amanda Bynes is ugly – Jezebel

Tommy Girl is topless, wet and handling a pole – Popsugar

So this is what happened to Sonny Malone from Xanadu – Videogum

Tyra Banks might have a new piece – I’m Not Obsessed

Jason Statham’s side-eye says everything that needs to be said about Rosie Huntington-Whateverly’s dress – Moe Jackson

Nothing good comes from a person going up to a fast food drive-thru window when they’re not in a car. Case in point: this dude got out of his SUV to rage at a Wendy’s employee for putting cheese on his hamburger. That crazy Dunkin’ Donuts bitch just fell in love.

This isn’t the first, second or third time that Wendy’s dropped a piece of cheese on his beef. This is the fourth time and this dude is ready to go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on their asses. He is losing his shit over this! (A little tip for that dude: If he ate that cheese, he wouldn’t lose his shit right away.)

What I don’t understand is, if that Wendy’s keeps putting cheese on his hamburger why does he keep going to that Wendy’s? Every time he goes, he must know that they’re going to ruin his life by turning his hamburger into a cheeseburger. I bet he secretly loves it. He loves the cheese, but he doesn’t want to admit it. Every time he leaves that drive-thru, he pulls off the wrapper, slowly takes off the bun and when he sees that cheese lying on that patty of beef, he smiles for a second before he loses his mind. He loves to hate the cheese he loves. But really, he should just give into the cheese. They’re obviously meant to be together and he should stop fighting it.

And I bet the next time he goes to that Wendy’s and orders a hamburger, they’re going to give him a stack of cheese between two buns just to screw with him. Those sons of bitches.

via Gawker

I always knew that on the inside I’m a just young British girl in a shiny purple puffy coat, leggings and Burberry rain boots.

During a charity polo game at The Beaufort Polo Club in Gloucestershire, England, Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge strutted through the field when one of his devoted disciples took a picture of him and then gave birth to a huge ball of excitement right there on the grass. I said in the headline that this is just a natural reaction, but this is actually a pretty subdued reaction to being that close to PHG’s royal bag of treasures. I would’ve prolapsed and dragged my innards across the grass to get PHG to autograph my nipple plate and most hos would’ve been tripping over the ovaries falling out of their snatch to get to him.

So yeah, this girl totally played it cool.

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Pics: Splash