Jessica Simpson is pregnant again. - Jill Valentine
Here’s to a very blessed and joyous birthday, with many years to come.”
Your friend, Jennifer Lawrence – Scollywoggs
The Wacky Wallwalker!
That thing up there that looks like the ballsack that found a way to grow legs and run off of Bruce Jenner’s crotch as soon as Pimp Mama Kris stared at it with her demonic castration glare IS a Wacky Wallwalker and it had a big moment in the 80s. Back then, some of us kids were entertained for hours by throwing sticky crap at the wall before watching it slide down. It was next level “watching paint dry.” I remember them coming as “the prize” in cereal boxes and you could also get them at places like Chuck E. Cheese. There was absolutely nothing to them. You’d throw them at the wall and amazement would fill you as you watched it roll down the wall. You know how bitches make fun of cats for staring at walls for hours? In the 80s, cats made fun of us for staring at walls for hours.
Wikipedia tells me that Ken Hakuta, American inventor and the host of some 80s children’s show I’ve never heard of called The Dr. Fad Show, brought the Wacky Wallwalker to the US after his mother sent some to his kids from Japan. In Japan, they called it Tako. Ken Hakuta bought the rights in 1983 for just $5,000 and by the end of the 80s, that $5,000 became $80 million and over 240 million of them had been sold. Everyone had at least one and you couldn’t walk ANYWHERE without a sticky ball flying in front of your face (“You just described my idea of heaven” – John Travolta)
At the end of this Corn Pops commercial, you can relive the wonder of the Wacky Wallwalker (which sounds like the name of a weed strain I’ve smoked before).
Those sticky, creepy octopus things would eventually get covered in hair and all kinds of other shit and lose their stickiness. Most dirty balls I’ve come into contact with lose their stickiness when you wash them, but not the Wacky Wallwalker. Once you washed the carpet shit off of them with soap and water, they sort of got their stickiness back and would bring more hours of entertainment. Oh, the 80s were simpler times when everyone would get entertainment out of watching a load of stickiness slide down a wall and I’m going to show myself out before I really ruin everything for everyone by making another Travolta joke.
Zach Galifianakis (45)
Brie Larson (25)
Jurnee Smollett (28)
Porcelain Black (29)
Dizzee Rascal (29)
Rupert Friend (33)
Heather Hunter (45)
Cindy Margolis (49)
Christopher Titus (50)
Mark McGwire (51)
Esai Morales (52)
Randy Quaid (64)
Stephen Collins (67)
Stella Stevens (76)
Julie Andrews (79)
Jimmy Carter (90)
When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer
If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.
Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.
But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.
His attraction for her is understandable. Her attraction for him? Not all that clear, really. Unless size really does matter? For me, no. Size can be uncomfortable. For her, clearly a selling feature. Because she’s been going around telling her friends about it. And her nickname for him, which she hasn’t been shy about sharing, is “Monster Cock“. Which is flattering, I guess, if you’re in college or Vegas. But it’s probably a little immature and maybe even a little disrespectful, all things considered. (Lainey Gossip)
It’s not Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean, because I don’t think anybody wonders what she sees in him. It’s obvious what she sees in him (PEEEEN). If anything, people are wondering what Big Sean sees in an off-brand Bratz doll that’s been possessed by the devil. It’s not Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin, because the chick in the blind item is telling friends that he “has” a monster cock, not “is” a monster cock. I’ll guess Sean Penn and Charlize Theron. Sean looks like he has a big, scary, veiny dick that can easily pass for a vile meat weasel from King Kong and Charlize is definitely suffering from stage 4 dickmatization.
Out of the Anne Hathaway’s armpit, I want to know more about just what kind of porn we’re talking about here! Revenge porn? Err…so, not the kind that starts with a pizza guy delivering an extra-large sausage then.
Ann-WITH-AN-E-GODDAMN-IT Hathaway must have heard that only about 8.3% of humans surveyed are able to tolerate her faux-humble “gee shucks, a song? Now? I’m barely even warmed upSOME-WHAAAAAARE OVER THE RAAAANE BOOOOWWWWW!” theatre kid-on-crack schtick, because she recently explained to Elle UK (via E!) that yes, she understands she spent most of 2012 making eyes roll, but it’s not her fault! The A-list Oscar-winning “It came true“-whispering Anne Hathaway was the result of the real Anne Hathaway being dickmatized by a shady asshole named Fame:
“This fame thing? Fucked me up for a really long time. I didn’t know how to do it; I didn’t know how to engage with it; it stressed me out. And people would say, ‘You just have to be yourself,’ and I was like, ‘But I don’t know who that is yet!’”
Fame fucked me up too, but I’m talking about the movie Fame; guess what you’re not allowed to do at a normal high school? Climb on top of a table and dance.
But I feel like the low-budget Liza/high-budget Lea Michele thing is the real Anne Hathaway! It has to be! I don’t want to live in a world where Anne Hathaway isn’t constantly grinning like a hyperactive Broadway-obsessed middle school girl who just got her Phantom of the Opera Playbill signed by the understudy for Raoul.
Or maybe this is all a strategic move to become a new, more ~serious~ Anne Hathaway. Oooh, maybe she’ll even drop the E! “It’s Ann-without-that-dorky-E now. I’m not a goody-goody anymore. I say the f-word and wear dark lipstick. By the way, do you have any drugs? I smoke drugs now. Ann-no-E does them all – pot, grass, weed, I even smoked a cocaine once.”
Goopy Paltrow is collaborating with a dry bar called Blo (too easy) and they released this picture illustration thing of her that looks like a Fashion Plate that was possessed by a real snobby demon – Lainey Gossip
Falkor Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have been sued by a maid who claims she was called an “Old Salvadoran bitch” by two other employees and was blamed for the house being dirty. I am on Team Old Salvadoran Bitch and not just because she’s from my mother’s homeland, but because it’s probably not easy cleaning Falkor and Eddie’s house. Think of all the worn bikinis and luck dragon saliva LeAnn leaves everywhere – Celebitchy
Backdoor Farrah lip synchs as well as she – well, as well as she does everything else in life – Reality Tea
Miley Cyrus goes topless again and based on that picture, I’m guessing she went topless for a spread in Strung Out Crack Chipmunks Monthly – Drunken Stepfather
The Difficult Brown’s mom thinks he needs to stop hanging around with gangs and I agree with her, but only because I want to see the video of him getting jumped out – WWTDD
Jennifer Love Hewitt once sent Matt Damon, a person she never met, a bed and I’m guessing that bed was stuffed with her pubes and a boiled bunny – The Superficial
If that Grateful Dead skull had eyes, it would roll them at Kaley Cuoco – Popoholic
Dear Shane Black, please write a kissing scene for Ryan Gosling and Matt Boner. Sincerely, my b-hole – Towleroad
Emily Ratajkowski does the “Yeah, I farted *shrug*” smirk on the cover of Cosmo – Hollywood Tuna
Big the TV show is happening, because Hollywood’s favorite thing to do is put on knife shoes and dance all over your childhood – Pajiba
One of the sold out Kunty Karl Barbies better be in my stocking this Christmas – Jezebel
Chelsea Clinton recreated Duchess Kate’s baby-carrying hospital exit photo-op – ICYDK
Kiki Dunst has something to say about selfie addiction – OMG Blog
Speaking of selfie addicts, here’s some selfie addicts who need to keep being selfie addicts – The Berry
I’m going to need to smoke some shit from Jaden Smith’s stash before I even think about listening to his 7-minute-long song – HuffPo
I see there was an Illuminati Jr. meeting in Paris – Just Jared
Jessica Biel wore a two-piece during a quick photo-op – Popsugar
MISOGYNY IS OVER: Kunty Karl held a feminist protest at the end of the Chanel show – The Frisky
Open Post: Hosted By Queen Aretha Nearly Screaming Her Dress Off While Doing “Rolling In The Deep” Live
Yesterday I linked to Aretha Franklin’s cover of fellow BBW Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep” mashed up with “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” which is off of her new album Aretha Franklin Sings the Great Diva Classics, and I really didn’t pay attention to the auto-tuned-as-hell vocals, because my sense of seeing needed to borrow fuel from my sense of hearing to fully take in the spray paint beauty of her Photoshopped cholita brows on the album cover. Well, my ears paid attention during Queen Aretha’s live performance of the song on The Late Show with David Letterman last night and smoke is coming out of my hearing holes, because my eardrums are fried.
Queen Aretha screamed, hollered and yelled out those musical notes like the IRS was knocking on her front door and ready to put a lien on her house if she didn’t pay up. Queen Aretha really went for it and her screams nearly melted the glue off of the industrial-strength double-sided tape that kept that hideous strapless bedspread from sliding off of her magnificent chichis. Aretha was so damn aggressive that I think her delicately painted-on brows jumped up about half an inch because they couldn’t take the heat rushing out of her mouth. Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep your ears safe from Aretha’s VOICE. SCREAM IT, Aretha!
The best part of the performance was the look on Cissy Houston’s face as she sang back-up. In the span of those 4 and a half minutes, Cissy looked like she took a nap, wrote her grocery list in her head and made a note to never do this shit again.
Cissy Houston’s “Cissy, hit the ‘decline’ button the next time ReRe calls” face + Aretha snatching my ears off with her screaming + my eyes bracing themselves for the sight of that dress falling = the perfect performance.
I know a lot of people get scared of getting older, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years (needs verification) on this earth, it’s that the older you get, the less fucks you give, and the easier it is to call a bitch out on their shit. Case in point, life legend Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is 59 years old, which means she’s seen it, done it, heard it, fucked it, Eurythmics‘ed it, and has no time for any of it. Especially camel-humping surftbort-riding human weaves who think they’re an expert on feminism because they got their assistant to write up an article about gender equality once.
Annie (who should really get in contact with Linda Perry) recently admitted to PrideSource (via Daily Mail) that she’s not buying what Beyoncé is selling, in particular, Bey’s new love affair with Feminism:
“I would call that “feminist lite”. L-I-T-E. I’m sorry. It’s tokenistic to me. I mean, I think she’s a phenomenal artist. I just love her performances – but I’d like to sit down [with her]. I think I’d like to sit down with quite a few artists and talk to them. I’d like to listen to them; I’d like to hear what they truly think. I see a lot of it as them taking the word hostage and using it to promote themselves, but I don’t think they necessarily represent wholeheartedly the depths of feminism – no, I don’t. I think for many it’s very convenient and it looks great and it looks radical, but I have some issues with it. I think it’s a cheap shot. I think what they do with it is cheap.”
Oooooooh Annie…YOU. IN. DANGER. GIRL. Nobody calls Queen Bey CHEAP! Even Basement Baby, who is currently wiping her ass with 1/2-ply toilet paper-style pressed fiber sheets and eating No Name Cheerios, doesn’t call Beyoncé cheap. I hope you still got that leather mask you wore on the cover of Touch, because you might want to go incognito for a while.
But I do think it’s cute that Annie wants to sit down and hear what Beyoncé thinks. Bless your heart, Annie Lennox, but Beyoncé’s head isn’t filled with thoughts; it’s a complex system of circuits and wires and RAM and weave glue.
I know that celebrity deaths supposedly comes in threes, but do celeb whore DUIs really need to come in threes too? Two days after Amanda Bynes got put into handcuffs for driving while allegedly high on Adderall, the Geico caveman with a buzzcut known as Michael Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore, Maryland this morning. Bitch swims like a fish and drinks like a fish. Moron should’ve swam home! Something tells me that Debbie Phelps is not having a Chico’s kind of day today. Michael Phelps is to blame and he should be jailed for life for that.
The Baltimore Sun says that Michael Phelps’ white Range Rover was pulled over at around 1:40am on Interstate-395 after he was clocked by an officer’s radar going 84mph in a 45mph zone. The officer checked Michael Phelps’ speed while his dumb ass was going through a tunnel. During the stop, the officer noticed that the Cro-Magnon dolphin seemed drunk. In Michael Phelps’ defense, he always has that dead-eyed derp look about him. But Michael was plastered and according to the cop, he failed a series of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines. He was later released.
This is Michael Phelps’ second DUI. In 2004, he got caught drunk driving and later pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months probation.
Well, the good news is that Animal Planet’s eventual biopic of the Olympian dolphin starring Adam Driver just got juicier.
TMZ asked Michael Phelps’ fellow Team USA teammate Ryan Lochte about this mess and he dribbled this out:
“I’m not concerned … he just makes dumb decisions. He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming. But he will become smarter from this. Luckily he did not hurt himself or someone else.”
When Ryan Lochte, whose head is filled with nothing but chlorine water and Cool Water fumes, comes off as the voice of reason and calls you out for making dumb decisions, then it’s time to swim off to a corner of the pool to get it together.
UPDATE: Michael Phelps is sowwy.
“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”