Yes, the people going, “Oh God, I can’t with your asses,” in the background speak for us all!
Lori Loughlin and Mossimo are facing decades upon decades in the clink, because they refused to take a plea deal and plead guilty, so they got even more charges thrown at them for their alleged involvement in the college admissions scandal. We already heard from a source who claimed that Aunt Becky and Mossimo were telling people that they didn’t know they were doing anything illegal by bribing an official, but if they said that in court, there’s a good chance Lady Justice would fart on both of their mouths. Because the court doesn’t really count ignorance of a law as an excuse. So they’ve reportedly came up with another genius excuse!
We don’t hear Adele talking about her personal business very often. She saves that shit for her art and that’s paid off pretty well for her thus far. And when I say paid, I mean PAAAAAID. Unlike some other famous people we know, if Adele’s got $50,000 sinks in her bathroom, good for her, but we’ll never know. According to People, as of May 2018, Adele was worth approximately $182 million (up from $69 million the previous year). We’re only hearing about it now because she could lose half of it in a divorce since she and her husband Simon Konecki don’t have a prenup in place. As much as I’d probably enjoy an Adele album called “30 And a HALF?!!?”, I hope it doesn’t go down like that.
Jennifer Garner is being celebrated for her decision to not get a large phoenix tattoo covering her whole back by being put on the cover of People’s Most Beautiful Issue. Of course Jennifer Garner has done more then just divorce Ben Affleck, she also works for Save the Childred, started an organic baby food company (how on brand), keeps the paparazzi industry alive, and she looks like the mom next store that everyone wants to bone.
Jordyn Woods said recently that dealing with the whole Tristan Thompson/Khloé Kardashian disaster has really awakened her to the truth about the world. Namely, she–a black woman of 21 years of age with, I’m assuming, black friends and family–finally understands what it’s like being a black woman in today’s society… I mean… there were other times… you could have… probably learned that. But hey! Woke is woke, right?
Donald and Melania Trump’s summer travel plans are taking shape and they will include a long-delayed state visit to London in June. The Washington Post reports that the customary stay at Buckingham Palace during the 3-day visit will not be extended to the couple, even though the Obamas and George W. Bush were hosted there. THE QUEEN has bigger balls than I do when it comes to house guests. The last time my mother-in-law came to visit, I considered several elaborate ruses to avoid having her stay with us, but lost my nerve as I was contemplating buying a jar of bedbugs off of eBay. But The Queen don’t give a fwuck. Suddenly, Buckingham Palace is “undergoing renovations” so they can’t stay there. I see you Lizzy. Well played, Your Highness.
Ariana Grande decided to gift herself–and I guess also us–with the gift of some sweet 90s nostalgia by bringing up four out five members of NSYNC on stage to perform at Coachella with her. Now it’s being rumored that there might be more to come. JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone are thinking about pulling themselves a Spice Girls-special and reuniting without…HIM.