via Kuntye’s Twatter
KIMMY GIBBLER and those other two were on Ellen today to introduce the first full trailer for Fuller House and well, it looks awful and is filled with so much cheese you won’t be able to shit for days after seeing it. In other words, it looks just like the original and I’m sure I’ll love every second of it as long as I watch it with my best friend (a fully stocked bong).
The bad news is that the trailer has way too much DJ Tanner in it and we hear Carly Rae Jepsen’s version of the theme song. Getting Carly Rae Jepsen to re-do the theme song tells me that the producers don’t know their own characters at all. I mean, Kimmy and DJ’s favorite artist of all-time Stacey Q should’ve done the theme song. How rude! Actually, that’s beyond rude. It’s straight-up disrespectful!
The good news is that the trailer has plenty of Kimmy Gibbler in it. She saves everything. The producers messed up on the theme song, but they did realize that the best way to save a show is to throw in Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie. If the Coen Brothers put Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie in Hail, Caesar!, it would’ve been the biggest box office hit of the year instead of flopping.
It’s no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than….I’m not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I’m sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic.
Vanity Fair says that Matt Damon joked about Leo’s “OMG I worked so haaard” award season hustle during his introduction of The Martian director Ridley Scott at the Director’s Guild Awards on Saturday night. Both Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio have both been nominated for all the same Best Actor awards this year, but according to Matt, he didn’t have to suck back bison organs to get his.
“Every night at 6 o’clock, the horn blew and Ridley and I went to dinner. And that’s how you make a movie, and we finished the film really early and we saved 2 million bucks. And Leo – we weren’t cold at all. I’m just sayin’. There’s another way to do it.”
Well that’s easy for Matt to say – he already has an Oscar! He doesn’t know what it’s like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what he’s got to do to win one. “Do I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause I’ll do it!”
Here’s Leo DiCaprio, who probably got a major boner from the sight of all those Oscar silhouettes, and Matt Damon, who looks like a dude who wants to sell you a 36-month lease on a Kia Sedona, at the Oscars nominee luncheon yesterday.
The last time I was in Florida, I tried to pay for a cup of coffee with a baby gator I found lounging in a park. I thought that in Florida you could pay for anything with either a gator, meth or a hand job. No wonder they threw me out, because gator isn’t a form of currency in Florida and this dude learned that the hard way.
If you have a young person in your life that you want to encourage to grab life by the butt hole and seize the day and all that shit, go ahead and print out this picture of an almost-30 Megan Fox and tape it to the screen of their iPhone. That way, every time they flip over their phone to take a selfie, they’ll be reminded that life is short and it’s only a matter of time before they’re a crumbling sack of dusty bones ringing death’s doorbell like this old-ass lady here. It’s what Megan Fox would want.
Elderly mothball Megan Fox was on Ellen today to remind us that she subbed in for Zooey Deschanel while she gave birth to Baby Otter, and Ellen DeGeneres made the mistake of bringing up the fact that some parts of Megan will be turning 30 in May.
“When you’re young, that sounds so old. When you’re in high school or even when you’re in your early 20s, it still sounds like, ‘By the time I’m 30, I should just give up.’ Like, what’s the point of going on at that age? And then you turn 30, and you don’t feel any older at all.”
Ellen then added that she felt the same way about people who are 50 and 60 years old, and Megan chimed in that those are the numbers that make you picture a person “in a hospice.”
Apparently hearing the word “thirty” causes all the muscles in Megan Fox’s face to emote like she’s never emoted before. So, keep that in mind, future directors who hire Megan Fox.
Really though, Megan clearly needs an oldie in her life who can teach her that sexy is a state of mind, not a number. If only someone could find the real-life versions of Blanche Devereaux and Mona Robinson and convince them to mentor young sexy types in their spare time. We need to think of the future generations of sexy!
The last time I wrote about precious Hungarian diamond Zsa Zsa Gabor, she had just realized that one of her legs was amputated…over 6 months beforehand. That sad story took the sparkle out of every rhinestone broach from here to Budapest. That was over 3 years ago. I was hoping that Zsa Zsa would eventually make her grand return to the spotlight by using her diamond-encrusted prosthetic leg to kick the likes of the Kartrashians off of the ho stroll, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.
Zsa Zsa’s 99th birthday was a few days ago and I’m sure we all celebrated by toasting to her with a Waterford crystal champagne flute (read: a plastic backyard cup from CB2) full of vintage Dom Perignon (read: sparkling white grape soda and Belle Ambiance Pinot Grigio from Target) while wearing a Cartier tiara (read: a tiara made from aluminum foil balls). But now we need to take off our aluminum foil tiaras and form a prayer circle because she’s in the hospital.
Zsa Zsa’s husband Frederic von Anhalt (Remember him?) tells TMZ that she was taken to the hospital on Monday after she had trouble breathing at home. Before she went to the hospital, her doctor went to her house and tried to fix her breathing woes by removing mucus from her throat. That didn’t work. Zsa Zsa was later admitted into the hospital. The doctors discovered that she has a lung infection caused by her feeding tube. They’re going to take her to surgery where her breathing tube will be removed.
During the past 14 or so years, Zsa Zsa has been through it. She was left partially paralyzed after a car accident, she had a stroke, she had hip replacement surgery, she had her leg amputated and now this. Every time the Grim Reaper comes to visit, she slaps him down. Keep slapping that whore, Zsa Zsa!
We’re barely into the second month of 2016, but already there’s been enough crazy shit that has happened in Taryn Manning’s personal life to technically classify it as a WTF-filled year. Back in January, a makeup artist named Holly Hartman filed a restraining order against Mimi from Crossroads and accused Taryn of getting all kinds of violent with her, like spraying Windex in her eyes. Now we’re into February, and Taryn’s lawyer is once again reaching for the bottle of extra-strength Motrin on his desk.
According to Page Six, Taryn has decided to sue New York City for $10 million over an arrest from 2014. According to the lawsuit, which I assume was served by Taryn herself to the Statue of Liberty while screaming “Tell your boss I want my money, you big green bitch!“, Taryn claims she was falsely arrested in NYC back in November 2014. Taryn was arrested after a judge determined she had violated a restraining order against her friend-turned-alleged-stalker Jeanine Heller by threatening to kill her via text and Twitter.
However, it might have been an arrest that wasn’t really supposed to happen. The DA decided not to prosecute Taryn and the arrest was voided. But according to Taryn’s lawsuit, she was still put through all the motions of an arrest. Taryn was still put in handcuffs, processed, and placed in a holding cell. The lawsuit claims Taryn was made to wait hours for a formal letter saying the DA wasn’t going to prosecute before she was released back into the wild.
Taryn also alleges that NYC police leaked details of her arrest to the media. She’s seeking $10 million for damages, which include “attorney’s fees, hours of detention, emotional distress and reputational harm.” When asked for comment, Taryn’s reputation took a long drag off a Newport before shrugging and grunting out a hoarse “Eh, if she thinks that’s what’s gonna fix it, then sure – whatever floats ya boat, honey.”
UPDATE: And now we have Taryn’s first closed case of 2016. TMZ says Taryn’s alleged Windex victim Holly Hartman didn’t show up for court today, so the judge threw her request for a restraining order out.
Tall piece of Irish hotness Liam Neeson did an interview with The Irish Independent to promote a TV documentary he narrates and the subject of whose sugar walls are getting mashed by his long banger came up. It’s been 6 years since Liam Neeson lost his wife Natasha Richardson and he understandably says that it’s still a really sore subject and the grief will always be there. But Liam got happier while talking about Valentine’s Day and his new piece. No, the interviewer didn’t ask Liam about Valentine’s Day right after talking about him losing his wife. They had tact and talked about other stuff in between. I think.
But anyway, Liam was asked about his Valentine’s Day plans and also asked if he’s regularly blowing out the same coochie with his Irish ham sub sandwich peen. Liam said that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman.
“I’ll send out a few bunches of flowers to various people and I usually just say ‘from an Irish admirer’.” Is he involved with anyone? “Yes, but I’d embarrass her if I said her name, she’s incredibly famous. I’ll have to do my best for her. It’s amazing how far a simple bunch of freshly picked flowers will go in a lady’s life, I find.”
There’s not many people I’d call “incredibly famous,” so that easily narrows it down to these 10 women who are more famous than famous.
The Snapple Lady
La Toya Jackson
The Roses Lady of West Hollywood
But seriously, there is an easy way to figure out who Liam Neeson’s incredibly famous girlfriend is. All we have to do is keep our eyes open for a famous lady who walks bow-legged, has to constantly hold onto her crotch to keep her vagina from falling out and has a hunchback because a big Irish dick broke her spine. I mean, we all have that GIF of Liam’s swinging crotch vine saved onto our desktops forever. Since it is a NSFW classic and never gets old I’ve thrown it up after the cut.
Well, that’s one way to clap back at a person who has been dragging you on Twitter. TMZ says that Ciara (real name: Ciara Princess Harris) has gone ahead and filed a $15 million lawsuit against her former fiance/current baby daddy Future (real name: Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn) for slander after he accused her of being a shit mother to their 1-year-old son Future Zahir. Somewhere in a pile of socks and burger wrappers, Blac Chyna sat up and thought “Hmmm…that’s a pretty good idea.”
It all started back in July after Future saw a picture of Ciara’s celibate boyfriend Russell Wilson pushing Future Jr. around in a stroller, and started cussing out Ciara on a radio show for involving their son in “publicity stunts.” Future also took to hissing at Ciara on Twitter, like accusing her of taking $15,000 a month in child support while making him go though lawyers to see their son. Ciara is finally responding to Future, and she’s doing it by coming for a lot more than $15,000 a month.
According to the details of the lawsuit, Ciara swatted back at Future’s accusations that she’s keeping their son from him by saying that she goes out of her way to make sure Future Jr. sees his daddy. Ciara claims that they’ve had at least 19 visitations since December 2014, one of which happened as recent as last week. She’s also accusing Future of starting shit as a way to promote his music.
Ciara’s lawsuit says that she wants all the nasty words Future wrote about her erased from Twitter and wants him blocked from saying anything else about her. She’s also looking for Future to stuff $15 million into her bank account. And just like that, the price of EVOL was marked up to $89.99 on iTunes and now includes a bonus track called “Please Please Please Buy This Album (I Need The Money).”
If your name is Future, this would be where you might want to look away (unless you want to make some new tweets that will probably be used against you in court of law). Here’s Ciara and Future Jr. cruising through LAX with Russell Wilson yesterday.
The world nearly turned inside/out with shock over the weekend when The Sun posted pictures of a 15-year-old rich kid of famous parents smoking the good shit with his friends at a skate park in London. I joked that the Dark Priestess of the Illuminati probably set that ESCANDALOSO paparazzi moment up to show the world that Guy Ritchie lets their son Rocco Ritchie do whatever the hell he wants. Well, TMZ says that Madonna is afraid that Rocco is spending his days getting stoned and living without any rules, so she’s hired a private investigator to follow him around. Um, I don’t know if Madge hired the right private investigator, because what in the hell kind of private investigator gets found out by TMZ? Detective La Toya would never.