Category: Charlize Theron
Charlize Theron Adopted Another Baby
If anyone was wondering why the beautiful and momentarily dickmatized Charlize Theron and desiccated anal gland Sean Penn broke up, here you go. TMZ reports that Imperator Furiosa adopted an African-American girl child from here in the States last month. She’s named the infant August. As far as asshole celebrity baby-names go, that’s not bad. It’s not Williamsburg Jacuzzi but it’s not Jennifer either. It’ll do. Is the baby named August because that’s when Charlize’s publicist broke the news? That’s kind of uninspired but hey, Charlize is probably really busy.
This is oddly concurrent with Penn looking for a day-old black baby for his movie. Do you think he had somehow used his hypno-peen to whammy her into adopting the type of baby he wanted just for a scene in his movie? And she finally broke his spell and busted out of his humidor crotch to save that impending adopted child? Or maybe she just realized pompous, angry, and naugahyde wasn’t the look for a dad.
Check out more pics of Charlize Theron looking incredibly thrilled to be papped while arriving at LAX yesterday in the gallery below.
Pics: WENN
Charlize Theron Feels Young People Are Unwise, Is Dating Sean Penn
Charlize Theron’s stock continues to plummet. She was such a hot piece! I don’t mean her looks. I mean she had a past, she beat up Teri Hatcher, she had Meryl Streep taking several seats after what she pulled off in Monster, and, well, Young Adult. She even threw shade at a Sister, Sister and that’s just funny. But Sean Penn. And then she compared gossip about her to rape. And now this interview…
And then for some reason our society just wants to go…it’s like a dead flower. [She pulls a flower from a vase.] It’s like we wilt for some reason.
Yeah, it’s that bad. She used props.
FYI: RiRi Loves The Pain Of Having A Brazilian Wax
If you woke up this morning and told yourself that your day is incomplete unless you hear about RiRi’s waxed coochie box, you’re in luck. Your day won’t be incomplete! When RiRi was with Chris Brown, her chocha hairs burned off at the sight of his face. But now that she’s no longer with Chris Brown, she keeps her crotch as smooth as a naked mole rat’s armpit by getting a Brazilian wax.
Some chicks say that getting a Brazilian wax is as pleasant and comfortable as riding a crocodile naked, but the chicks that I know that have gotten a Brazilian wax have all said that it’s not that bad. (Maybe they just have the crotch of a viking?) Since we’re on the subject of crotch grooming, one friend told me that her friend’s puss lips once got caught in an Epilady. That dumbass is obviously an amateur, because I’ve used an Epilady several times and it’s never gotten caught on my droopy as- I’m going to stop.
Anyway, the staff at Fuzz Wax Bar in Toronto tells The Daily Star (via Zap2It) that RiRi came in for a Brazilian wax and told them that she didn’t want any numbing cream, because she loves the pain of it all.
RiRi refused the numbing cream they apply as a standard process. “No way, I love the pain,” Rihanna tells the esthetician. “It feels good to me.”
On top of that, she never screeched or squealed during her full-bore bikini wax. The salon staff says the walls are very thin, so they could tell Rihanna was actually enjoying herself. “She was singing and humming songs all through the treatment,” says the source. “None of us could stop laughing.”
Now you know where to go if you want to get your flower waxed in a place where the walls are so thin that everyone can hear you scream in pain (or goat yodel with pleasure if you’re RiRi).
I’m actually surprised to hear that RiRi feels any kind of sensation down there. I’d think that fucking Chris Brown’s nasty ass for all those years would’ve left her snatch traumatized, numb and scared for a while.
Here’s RiRi patting her freshly waxed bits while performing in Bilbao, Spain the other night.
The Time Lance Armstrong Asked Comedian April Macie To Eat His Ass Out
I’m looking at the yellow rubber Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.
Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong’s b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:
“I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole…I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: ‘Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass’..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?…I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”
Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I’d always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong’s roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I’m surprised that Lance’s bike seat isn’t shaped like a giant tongue.
April’s friend is a brave bitch, though. She’s a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She’s also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance’s wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April’s friend could’ve lost her tongue. That’s like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you’re tossing Lance’s salad and the next minute you’re picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.
And now we know what’s really going on in this picture:
If that’s not a “So, can I sit on your face?” look, I don’t know what is.
FYI: Backdoor Farrah Was 15 When She Lost Her Anal Virginity
Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah’s porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that’s exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it’s been so long since a dick has come a’knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, “Really? When was the last time?”, her dumb ass says, “This is my first time!” (Side note: I hate myself for typing “a dick has come a’knocking on her backdoor,” because it made me think of the Three’s Company theme song. Now, all day I’ll be singing to myself, “Come on fuck my backdoor, stick your dick in some poo…” Actually, I sing that every day, all day anyway, but you know…)
Guess what? That wasn’t the first time Teen Mom Farrah’s culo hole has been poked by a peen. During an interview with The Dirty’s Nik Richie about her porn, he asked her why she skipped coochie sex and went straight to butt sex in her tape. There’s a good reason for why the close-up on Farrah’s b-hole during her anal sex scene reminds me of that scene in The Descent when Sarah falls down a black hole of doom. Farrah loves butt sex, has had butt sex tons of time and got her butt cherry popped when she was just 15. Nik and Farrah’s conversation about her love of backdoor banging went like this:
Nik: For a girl that doesn’t have sex a lot, all of a sudden you’re like, “I want anal“?
Farrah: I’ve had anal before.
Nik: And you like it?
Farrah: I do!
Nik: Number one choice? Like that’s what you want to do?
Farrah: Why not? I had anal before I had “real” sex. Like if you want to know sexual history, I mean, I can choose whatever I want.
Nik: I do want to know your sexual history.
Farrah: This is a little bit weird, but if you want to go there… That’s how I feel. Why can’t I do whatever I want? I can hang from a monkey bar and do sex up there first if I wanted to.
Nik: But you’re telling me you had anal before you had actual “real” sex.
Farrah: In my real life.
Nik: From Derek or from someone else? Farrah: I had anal with somebody else.
Nik: At what age?
Farrah: 15. Then I started dating Derek and then having, like, real sex.
Nik: And you enjoyed anal more?
Farrah: I did.
Why does Nik Richie keep on getting on Farrah about ass sex? He should be encouraging her to only have ass sex. It’s better for humanity if Backdoor Ferret only gets it in the butt, because then she won’t procreate! (Unless she has ass sex with Lil’ Wayne, because his super mutant sperm are equipped with GPS devices and will find a way to get to her ovaries.)
And I cannot discuss this anymore due to conflict of interest in butt sex.
via Hollywood Life
So, I Guess Chris Martin Is Never Angry Around Goopy Paltrow
The World’s Most Beautiful Woman was on another talk show last night, because she’s not overexposed enough and she won’t stop popping up everywhere until the image of her face is embedded into your brain and she starts invading your nightmares. (Note: This finally happened to me last night. I had a nightmare where I went to a party in a barn. A BARN! Goopy was there serving Country Time lemonade in mason jars. Goopy doesn’t serve anyone and there’s no way she’d serve Country Time lemonade and I don’t think she even knows what a mason jar is. I knew it was a trick, so I kept walking.) Goopy was on Chelsea Lately and after Chelsea Handler wet kissed Goopy’s 22-year-old stripper ass for a bit, she talked about how good Goopy is at giving advice.
Chelsea said that one time at a dinner party, Goopy’s friends cried about a fight she had with her husband. Goopy’s friend and her husband were all mad at each other and she didn’t know what to do. You’d think that Goopy would tell her that she and her husband are angry, because they eat too much gluten, sugar, carbs and food, so they need to starve themselves until their internal organs are on the verge of shutting down and then they’ll be too weak to fight. Problem solved! But instead of saying that, Chelsea said that Goopy gave her friend some different advice.
“[Gwyneth’s] an amazing advice-giver. And one of her friends is like, ‘I got in a big fight with my husband and I went home and I just wanted to scream and yell,’ and you were like, ‘Whatever you’re doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, go at him with love and you give him a blowjob.'”
Blowjobs really do solving everything, but I don’t know if that’s the best advice. You might not know what to think if your piece is screaming at you one minute and then trying to suck you off the next. Does a dude really want to put his peen into the mouth of an angry trick? That’s only a good idea if the dude really wants to see his peen sitting in his wife’s stomach on an X-Ray. That’s some marriage advice from Lorena Bobbitt shit. But it works for Goopy, because ever since she told Chris Martin that she’s going to blow him every time he’s angry at her, he walks around the house with a smile on his face and a joyous skip in his step!
And Goopy also talked about how Chelsea needs to see a brain doctor, because she asks for the check before entrees are served and she once mistook her gardener’s car for her own. Oh, Goopy, that’s called being a drunk!
via E!