The Classiest And Most Modest Wedding Of Our Time Is Off!

October 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Everyone has the sads today. Humanity has the sads because we’ve been cheated out of video clips of Mariah Carey cooing out her vows (read: lyrics from one of her songs) while wearing a modest ensemble (read: a pink diamond-encrusted bodysuit with a 25-foot long train) and standing next to a witness (read: the real Lisa Frank) at the City Clerk’s Office (read: an exact replica of Cinderella’s Castle that she had built in her backyard). Hello Kitty has the sads because she won’t get to walk Mimi down the aisle anytime soon. And Mimi’s bank accounts have the sads, because now she has to spend her own money since she and Billionaire Shrek are done! For now, anyway.

Both TMZ and the Australian tabloid Woman’s Day say that James Packer dumped the delicate butterfly and crushed my dreams of a gorgeously tacky wedding while doing so. Those poor nightingales who were hired to softly hum out the melody to Vision Of Love at Mimi’s wedding rehearsed for months for nothing! A “close family friend” tells Woman’s Day that James broke off their engagement over her reality show and the way she spent his money like he’s made of money (which he is).

James isn’t into how Mimi’s reality show is going to expose their personal life to the world. James’ family also never really approved of Mimi. When she refused to grace his sister’s 50th birthday party with her ethereal presence, his mom quickly grew to hate her.

 “James is very generous but Mariah takes it to the next level. When she refused to come to Australia for [his sister] Gretel’s birthday party it created a lot of tension in the family. His mum hated to even hear her name mentioned, and James’ tight circle of friends never really thought they would marry.”

TMZ’s sources co-sign the shit about the reality show curse killing their union. Their sources also say that James made the decision to drop Mimi after she had some sort of “rendezvous” (which may be dramatic Mimi talk for one-night fuck) with a dancer in her Vegas show. That little drama will be shown on her E! reality show, which comes out in December. Mimi and James over now, but there’s a chance that they may get back together.

As for Mimi’s 35-carat $10 million engagement ring…. May Billionaire Shrek’s claws shrivel up and fall off if he even thinks about snatching it away from her. Besides, it’s probably almost-impossible to take off that ring since I’m sure she had it welded to her finger.


This is actually surprising. Mimi and James have the hot chemistry of an ice cube and a Styrofoam peanut, so I thought their love would never end.

The reasons why this eternal love bond broke are a little strange. If you’re a billionaire and you get with Mimi, you should be shocked if she doesn’t spend your money like you can easily shit out some more. And if you’re doing a billionaire and love spending his money, you should know not to mess that up by passing your poon to a peasant. Hmmm… I have a feeling that the real reason they broke up is because they both got the memo from the PR team for Mimi’s reality show that read: Okay, you two, you’re going to break up for a few weeks starting in October and will dramatically reunite at the live taping of your wedding!


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