Tommy Is FINALLY Free Of Katie!

Remember the old days when Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s manufactured smiles would make our genitals run up into our bodies and cling to our insides? It’s safe for your genitals to come back out again, because those days are officially over now that Tommy has ripped up their marriage license, threw the pieces into a stone bowl, added a little oil and muddled into a thick lube that he rubbed all over his Scientolohole and then humped away the pain he got from losing another beard. People says that less than two months after Katie filed for divorce, a judge in New York signed off on it and finalized that shit. The FREE KATIE mission is complete.

As everybody already knows, in the divorce settlement, Katie gets full control of her brain, a lump sum, child support and full custody of Scientology’s former golden child Suri. Tommy gets to visit Suri as long as he doesn’t try to kidnap her, drag to wherever the old Star Trek: The Experience ride is housed and teleport her to the Galactic Confederacy headquarters on the planet Htrae.

We should praise Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo from Earth Girls Are Easy (they’re Scientology’s demigods, right?), because Tommy is finally free and no longer has to drag around an insubordinate beard who frowns when he calls her “Kate” and gets all whiny when he tells her that it’s time to complete the transformation by getting a robot lobotomy. Katie was so annoying. Every time Tommy’s Grindr app on his iPhone froze up and he had to take it to the Genius Bar, Katie would step into that Apple store and run away screaming thinking she was there to get her human brain replaced with OS X Garfield (or whatever the name of the latest OS is). That is all behind him now.

Now Tommy can focus on finding a beard who keeps it professional and isn’t going to ruin his non-stop sauna orgy party by trying to take down Scientology. I hear Kristen Stewart might be available and her head is already empty, so she’s halfway to a robot lobotomy.

And here’s two sets of pictures of Suri with Katie in NYC yesterday. In one set, Suri’s bitching out the paps with her face. In the other set, Suri’s wearing one of Endora’s favorite house dresses while doing kid stuff at a place where you do kid stuff.

Adam Levine And Anne V Aren’t Doing It Anymore

Anne V’s belly button is breathing a sigh of relief, because it will no longer get hit with a load of Adam Levine’s douche chowder when he practices his fool-proof birth control method by pulling out. Anne V tells E! News that Adam Levine has pulled out of her for a final time and they’re done FOREVER! I know, the cherubs are pulling out arrows to shoot themselves in the heart, because a rock star breaking up with a model tells us that the sanctity of marriage is a falsity! This is the statement Anne V shot into E! News the same way Adam’s peen shoots into a hotel towel:

“Adam and I have decided to separate in an amicable and supportive manner. We still love and respect each other as friends. I wish him all the best.”

Anne V went on to say, “But I won’t miss holding in a queef FOR MY LIFE every time his stupid ass pulls out really fast.”

Even though Anne V is the epitome of grace and demureness (Exhibit: EVERYTHING), she can not compete with the true holder of Adam Levine’s heart:

Oh yes, that’s Blake Shelton saying “He doesn’t pull out with me, hunty!” with his eyes and pucker. So try not to fall over in shock when Blake eventually announces he’s quitting his wife Miranda Lambert. Although, Blake should divorce Miranda for the sole fact that she has huge chunky lowlights in her hair and the year is not 2001.

Here’s Blake dreaming of Adam while giving his trophy a dry handy at the Country Music Awards last night.

Kim Gordon And Thurston Moore Broke Up

When I first read that Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore were quitting each other romantically, my first response was to declare for myself that forever true love is a falsity (file that under: words I learned while watching Judge Judy) and we should all spend what’s ever left of our lives fucking strangers, eating pie, fucking strangers and banging our heads against the cave wall until the grim reaper chihuahua shows up to lead us to the river that takes us to the afterworld. But you know, Kim and Thursty were married for 27 years. That’s two decades and a second grader! That’s two and a half Biebers! Many people could not wake up next to the same face for 27 years. Hell, some people can’t even wake up with their own faces on, which is why they get totally different faces glued onto their front heads. (I’m not naming any names. Kim Kardashian.)

Kim and Thursty simply want a different flavor of genitals on their tongue. That’s all. They passed this break-up statement to E! News and everybody else last night:

“Musicians Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, married in 1984, are announcing they have separated. Sonic Youth, with both Kim and Thurston involved, will proceed with its South American tour dates in November. Plans beyond that tour are uncertain. The couple has requested respect for their personal privacy and does not wish to issue further comment.”

So, that shit also makes it sound like they might be fucking done professionally too. Oh well, 30 years is a long ass time for a band to be together and that is a great accomplishment. Yes, that is my new line for everything. Me to the mirror this afternoon after I eat a Big Mac and 6-piece McNugget: “Oh, Michael don’t be so hard on yourself. For the past 6 days, you didn’t give in to the wishes of the devil by eating McDonald’s. That is a great accomplishment for you. You had a good run…..and now you have the runs.”

The Week That True And Real Love Died A Painful Death…

First Katie Price and that Argentinian piece who made my gaydar pucker end their beautiful love affair via a translator (because she doesn’t speak Spanish and he isn’t completely fluent in Whore yet), and now UsWeekly is telling us that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s short-term contract is up and they aren’t even trying to renegotiate. Pop your umbrellas, because something tells me that suicidal cherubs will be falling out of the sky today.

Reps for both Blake and Leonardo confirm to UsWeekly that after 5 months of contract-enforced dates in Monte Carlo, Venice, and NYC, they have broken up, but are still friends.

As much as this news saddens me, because it makes me long for the days when celebrity couples showed they were really committed to each other by signing long-term contracts (see: Reese and Jake), this shit was bound to happen.

Leo just can’t give his heart to a piece unless she gives 10% of the earnings she made from posing in Sports Illustrated to her agent at IMG. And Blake is just not meant to happen even though Hollywood keeps shoving her down our eye holes the same way almost every model is shoving her portfolio into Leo’s mail slot right about now. Blake is the Pippa Middleton of American actresses. She is never EVER going to happen. (Cut to the no-so-distance future when Blake is thanking her husband Ryan Gosling as she accepts her Best Actress Oscar while I get my words eatin-ready by sprinkling hot sauce on them.)

Ryan Reynolds And Charlize Theron Are No Longer A Thing

UsWeekly said last month that Ryan Reynolds rebounded off of ScarJo’s chichis and dove straight onto Charlize Theron’s crotch. There was never really anything proof of this. No staged pictures of them trying to pull each other’s swim chonies off at the beach. No “leaked” stills from their blurry fuck tape. None of that. And now it’s completely over, so says UsWeekly. They say that Charlize and Ryan’s time together lasted about as long as a blonde riding on Hef’s grave worm dick. A source says that Ryan quit that shit, because Charlize wants to start a family and he isn’t ready to dirty his muscle ab biscuits with baby barf. The source put it like this:

“He only wanted something casual, but she’s in a rush to settle down, have kids and start a family since she’s getting older.

[Charlize] didn’t take it very well when he broke it off. She knows deep down that it wouldn’t have worked, but she is pretty bummed out about it all.”

That’s nice and everything, but what about us?! What about the people with the sex lives of a garbage disposal apple who were patiently waiting for fap material in the form of a picture of Charlize and Ryan simultaneously licking on each other’s nipples under an outdoor shower? They couldn’t give us that as a parting gift? Selfish bitches. And Charlize considers herself a humanitarian? More like an inhumaneitarian.

That being said, Charlize is smooth. Getting tired of fucking on a recently divorced piece who keeps doing ab crunches while you ride on top? Just hit him with the “I want kids” talk and he won’t even waste time grabbing his Flex Belt while he runs out the door.

Karen Elson & Jack White Are Having An Anniversary/Divorce Party!

The bad news is that Karen Elson and Jack White are biting off each other’s wedding bands after 6 years of marriage, but the good news is that there will be an open bar at their divorce party! Those damn hipsters really know how to turn an AWW into a YES!

Karen and Jack were married in Brazil on June 1, 2005 and decided that their time sleeping nipple to nipple has come to an end. They issued this joint statement to People:

“We remain dear and trusted friends and co-parents to our wonderful children Scarlett and Henry Lee. We feel so fortunate for the time we have shared and the time we will continue to spend both separately and together watching our children grow.”

The invitation to their anniversary/divorce party reads that the party is to re-affirm their friendship.

Yes, as a bitter cunt queen monster who feeds off of the scandalous lives of others, I’m a little disappointed that Karen and Jack aren’t throwing daggers of revenge at each other in the streets. But I guess it’s best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked.

Happy divorce to Karen and Jack!