Light As A Thetan, Stiff As A….

Thanks to Tommy Girl’s acute ability to imagine almost anything as a gigantic dick, he was able to bravely hug on to the tip of the world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, and then repel down its shaft. You know that shit was making his Scientolohole slobber something messy. Yeah, it was kind of gross for the people down below who realized that the sticky globs of caramel milk hitting the top of their heads wasn’t pigeon caca, but Tommy had a good time and that’s all that matters!

Here’s more of Tommy doing big boy stuff for Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Do not look directly into the dark eye of his Ken Doll crotch or you might start feeling a little glib later on.

Speaking Of Tiny Noodles…

There’s another good reason for why Jersey Shore is called Macaroni Rascals in Japan. Apparently, The Situation can fit his wang into the hole of a wet macaroni noodle. Hey, that’s still a few centimeters bigger than his brain.

A Florida club promoter who goes by the name of Melody Eckerson admitted to Star Magazine that she earned herself a file at the health department by hooking up with The Situation one night.

According to Melody, she could deep throat his dick and lick his taint at the same time. That’s how minor his dick situation is. Melody said, “I wouldn’t even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes.” And when asked what she saw when The Situation dropped his Ed Hardy thong, Melody said, “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky.”

If Melody thinks it’s small now, wait until she sees it without the giant wart on the head! That wart was giving him some length and girth. I swear, some whores are too picky. And I bet Vinny’s “watermelon cock” can swallow The Situation’s “watermelon seed cock” whole.

The World’s Smallest Man Has Died

He Pingping, the world’s tiniest man, will be buried in the world’s tiniest coffin in the world’s tiniest plot with the world’s tiniest tombstone on top of it after he passed away on Saturday in Italy. Pingping was just 21-years-old.

Pinping was in Rome shooting a television show when he complained of chest pains. He was taken to the hospital, but doctors couldn’t save him. The Telegraph believes that he died of heart complications, but this hasn’t been confirmed.

Guinness World Records declared Pingping the smallest man alive in March 2008. Pingping measured in at 29 inches tall. The editor-in-chief of Guinness said these kind words about Pingping:

”From the moment I laid on eyes on him I knew he was someone special – he had such a cheeky smile and mischievous personality, you couldn’t help but be charmed by him. He brightened up the lives of everyone he met, and was an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual.”

Rest in peace, Pingping.

What A Big Blow Up For Such A Small Man

It’s common knowledge that The Insider is the new therapist’s couch, so it’s not surprising that the evil goblin with the giant temper went there to discuss his marriage problems with some broad named Lisa Bloom. When Lisa got on Gary Coleman for allegedly abusing his wife, he exploded into a tornado of “fuck offs” before jumping off of his booster seat and storming back to the playroom.

You know, I’m with Gary. Does this Lisa chick know who Gary Coleman is (answer: probably not)? You do not talk to Gary like that without giving him lollipop first. Fuck Lisa Bloom! Fuck Lara Whatever! And FUCK all of them!

That being said, Gary was lying when he said he doesn’t have a volatile relationship with anybody. It’s obvious that Gary has a volatile relationship with lotion, because they haven’t touched each other for years. Seriously, can the heavens open up and shower Gary with Baby Oil?

And are you making the waffles or am I?

Kate Major Says Jon Gosselin Is Hung Like A Shrew Mouse

During Hailey Glassman’s interview with the prestigious Steppin’ Out…Of The Port-A-Potty At A Warrant Concert Magazine, she said that her ex-boyfriend Jon Grosselin is “hung like a 9-year-old boy” and his peen is about 3 inches long. Kate Major, who also took a ride on Jon’s button mushroom, co-signs Hailey’s claim to Life & Style Magazine. Yes, it has come to this. We are talking in detail about Jon Gosselin’s dick. Do you think it’s too late for me to sign-up for classes at DeVry?

Anyababyhamstercoulddeepthroatjon, Kate says, “Jon was pretty boring and nothing exciting. I’m surprised he’s so ‘cocky’ because down there he’s not.” Kate also said that she and Hailey would laugh about Jon’s dick all the time.

Okay, Jon might have a dick that looks like half a piece of canned baby corn that has been left by the side of the road and pecked at by pigeons, but those two dumb bitches licked on it numerous times! Their clits had sword fights with Jon’s fetus dick (and their clits won) plenty of times! So who is the small penis now?

And do you think sucking on Jon’s dick is like sucking on one Bai Ling’s nipples? On that note, I’m off to DeVry.com!

Joe Rogan Wants Everyone To Stare At His Hog

Joe Rogan, who got famous for yelling at hos to drink the rat milkshake faster on Fear Factor, has himself a little admirer. An admirer who peeks at his peen in the locker room after Jiu-Jitsu training. Joe tries to play like this bothers his ass, but you know he wants everyone’s eyeballs glued to his “hog.” But let’s play along with Joe.

Joe decided that it was time to catch the hog watcher by recording him in the act. This is where it starts to get really weird. A huge part me (mostly every part but my no-no) thinks this is staged. Why would the boy be so damn obvious while a camera is on him? I know that whenever I play a game of peek-a-peen in the locker room, I always disguise myself as a pile of towels. This kid isn’t even trying. But he’s probably only staring because Joe’s dick is shaped like a pig’s tail, which would explain why he keeps calling it a “hog.”

And you may want to turn down the volume before hitting play on this wreck. Unless your name is David Beckham, you probably aren’t used to the sound of pigs snorting.

via Videogum