Frances Bean Cobain Got Secret Married And Courtney Love Wasn’t Invited (UPDATE)

So it’s time once again to remind yourself that we’re all old as shit and will soon be sipping warm water with lemon on the lanai. E! says that Frances Bean Cobain, the 23-year-old former baby of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, has gone and secret married her boyfriend of five years, a dude named Isaiah Silva. Obviously, Frances’ dad couldn’t be there because he’s too busy getting noise complaints from his uptight angel neighbors in Heaven. But apparently Frances’ mommy wasn’t there either. According to a source, it was such a secret that Courtney didn’t find out about it until after it happened.

“Courtney loves Isaiah, but was devastated to learn that Frances had gotten married without her knowing,” a source tells us, adding that, “Courtney really likes Isaiah and is very happy for Frances. Courtney is sad she wasn’t at the wedding.”

To make things a little more awkward, the source claims Frances and Isaiah started planning their secret wedding over a year ago and invited 13-15 guests. Or maybe they did invite Courtney, but she thought RSVP stood for “Retain for a Sample Valium Prescription” and never sent it back.

Not really much else is known about Frances Bean’s wedding except that it was inspired by “daisies in mason jars.” Where do you suppose I could find and old priest and a young priest? Because Frances Bean is clearly possessed by Blake Lively and we should probably do an exorcism.

Oh well, that’s just such a shame that Courtney didn’t get invited. Courtney Love only got one shot at serving up eight layers of batshit mother of the bride insanity, and she was DENIED. On the upside, I’m sure Courtney Love would show up to your wedding and provide such services if you asked nicely.

UPDATE: Courtney Love would like you to know she had a good reason for being absent. At least I think she did? Courtney threw up an Instagram picture of herself standing next to a hot model type while looking sort of like a MAC face chart of Baby Jane Hudson with the following caption:

“If you think I’m sorry for being a no-show at any important events this week, think again. I was with @jamesnorley ❤ #candyface #worthflakingonanythingfor #heaven #worthit #slay #bae #cancelallmyappointments #donthate #stud #jealousmuch? Bwahaa xc”

I’m sure her gift is in the mail.

Pic: Splash

Allison Williams Got Married Yesterday

You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”

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While Everybody Gets Divorced, Zooey Deschanel Gets Married

And had a baby!

Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.

Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.

Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.

That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one.  Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.

Pic: Wenn.com

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Got Secret Married This Weekend

During an appearance on The Late Late Show with James Corden back in March, vinegar enthusiast Mila Kunis danced around a question about whether she had taken her vinegar fetish to the next level by getting married to Massengill’s next of kin Ashton Kutcher. Mila never technically answered yes or no, but she was blushing and playing coy and didn’t correct James Corden when he pointed to her ring finger and said “They are married, look“, so everyone took that as an implied yes.

Well, it turns out Jackie was just playing us so she and Kelso could get secret married in private over the weekend. Those sneaky liars! According to UsWeekly, Mila Kunis officially became the second Mrs. Ashton Kutcher this weekend at a place called The Secret Garden at Parrish Ranch in Oak Glen, CA. A secret wedding at The Secret Garden? We totally should have seen this one coming. I bet they made Baby Wyatt go incognito in some kind of random animal costume to keep it extra hush-hush.

Mila has said in the past that she’s always wanted to get secret married and didn’t plan to invite anyone to her wedding, so nobody really knows anything about what happened this weekend. Until I see pictures confirming otherwise, I will choose to believe Ashton wore a gorgeous pink chiffon gown and the wedding was officiated by Red Forman. “Do you, dumbass, take this dumbass to be your lawfully wedded dumbass?“

Mila Kunis Admits That She And Ashton Kutcher Are Married

That sound you just heard was a despondent Demi Moore falling face-first into a pile of 22-year-old party boys.

Mila Kunis has been spotted wearing one of THOSE RINGS on THAT FINGER since the birth of the tiny old timey gunslinger she made with Ashton Kutcher, and for a while she wasn’t into the idea of talking about whether she had made it legal with the former Trucker Hat Prince of Hollywood. But she finally admitted what we all sort of figured all along: that Jackie and Kelso got married.

According to the Daily Mirror, it happened during the taping of the debut episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden. James Corden kept asking her if she made it legal with Ashton Kutcher, and she kept answering with a coy “maybe“. Eventually he was like “You’re either married or you’re not“, and pointed at her hitchin’ finger, saying “They are married, look.” The Daily Mirror says she got all red faced, which prompted James to ask her during the break if he’d pissed her off, to which she laughed and answered “It’s fine.”

So there you have it. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are officially married. It’s really too bad Mila and Ashton are so private, because I would have totally watched a reality show about their wedding day. And yes, only because I want to see Mila stomp down the stairs shouting “Michael! I mean, Ashton! You were supposed to be at the church 3 hours ago, you doofus! Why aren’t you wearing any pants? Gawd, you’re such an idiot!“

Benedict Cumberbatch Married Sophie Hunter Today

It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”

So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.

Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!