Back in February, as most of the world stood by in neutered horror as Russian troops invaded Ukraine, Sean Penn sprang into action like a bronzed penis that had just received an injection of Viagra directly into its veiny shaft. Not wasting a single, precious thrust of momentum, Sean shouted to his documentary crew, “hop on, boys! We’re going to save democracy!” Now, according to USA Today, Sean has returned to Ukraine, and not unlike Slim Pickens gallantly falling to earth with 10,000 tons of atomic lightning between his thighs, descended on Kyiv astride his golden shaft to meet with President Zelenskyy and gift him with a symbol of his throbbing, pulsating rod of American vigor— One of his Academy Awards. Only catch, Zelenskyy has to return it to him in Malibu, personally, as soon as the war is won.
The last time we caught up with Sean and his Vice documentary crew, they had abandoned their vehicle for reasons unknown and joined the thousands of Ukrainian refugees as they fled the capital on foot and headed to the Polish border. Then in March, while still reporting from Poland, Sean threatened to smelt down one of his Oscars “in public” if Zelenskyy was denied a chance to speak at the academy awards ceremony. And here I thought Sean was too evolved to care about such trivial things as awards and melodrama. But he’s apparently imbued them with incredible symbolic power. USA Today reports:
Sean Penn returned to Ukraine for a third time — this time with one of his Oscars.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy shared photos and videos on Instagram Tuesday documenting the moment Penn, 62, gave him one of his Academy Awards as a “symbolic” token amid the country’s war against Russia.
“It’s just a symbolic silly thing, but if I know this is here then I’ll feel better and strong enough for the fights,” the actor and activist told Zelenskyy. Penn also advised Ukraine’s president to return the Oscar statuette to Malibu “when you win.”
Penn won two Oscars for best actor in a leading role — one in 2003 for “Mystic River” and another in 2008 for “Milk.
Let’s hope it was his award for Milk since that one holds some progressive political mojo. You certainly don’t send a Clint Eastwood-directed acting award to fight the good fight. That’s like bringing a nail clipper to a gunfight. Or, if you will, a marshmallow dildo to an orgy. Oh, and don’t let their phallic shape fool you. Apparently, they’re ladies! Here’s a video of the exchange posted by Ukrainian officials in which Sean refers to his statue as “she.” Possibly because, unlike his wife, she can’t turn around and walk out the door while he’s passed out in an Ambien & vodka-fueled stupor.
— Anton Gerashchenko (@Gerashchenko_en) November 8, 2022
I’m not gonna say it. I’m not gonna say it. I’m not gonna WHY DID HE LEAVE HIS OSCAR TO FIGHT WHEN HE CAME WITH THOSE GUNS? Shit. I said it. And I can no better unsay it than I can unsee it. Here are some pics of Zelenskyy showing Sean his star on the “Walk of the Brave.“
May God Bless America, Ukraine, and Golden Dildo Bicep Curls.
Pic: Office of the President of Ukraine/Cover Images