Bret Michaels Is No Liza Or Dolly

Tuck your pussies in and grab your Valtrex, because we are all getting on the Rock of Love WAAAAAHMBULANCE.

Right after the hottest piece of scenery in the industry knocked Bret Michaels on his nasty ass at the Tony Awards, he sort of shrugged it off and said it really wasn’t a big deal. Now that he’s realized he can milk the shit out of this situation for attention, he’s crying a different story. Bret posted these pictures of his busted face on his MySpace along with a total STFU statement.

While we are clapping for whoever was responsible for bringing that set piece down on Bret, he’s blaming them. Bret said that he was never “informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage.” Bret was also pissed that a rep for the Tony Awards said Bret had missed his mark and that’s why he got laid out by a super hot piece of scenery (Is it obvious that I’m love with a set piece?). Bret moaned that the Tony people would have cared more if this happened to Dolly Parton, Liza or Elton John.

I think Bret’s weave-danna is on too tight. Liza and Dolly are LEGENDS! If a set piece fell on them, the world would stop and we’d all hold our breaths until we were told there wasn’t a scratch on them. Which there wouldn’t be, because they are both coated with some kind of scratch-proof substance.

Bret added that he doesn’t know how bad his injuries are until his x-rays come back. He must have gone to some back alley free clinic where it takes weeks for x-rays to be processed. Their idea of an x-ray is shining a really bright flash night on his injuries while some crackhead draws a picture of it with a Sharpie. Stupid ass.

Bret is such a wittle baby. The whores on Rock of Love who attempt to eat his asshole probably suffer worse injuries than that. Put a bag over your head and stop whining.

I love how even though he’s busted up he’s still giving us a “Sexy Can I?” face.

VIA TMZ

Daisy de la Hoya Might Have Overdosed

Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1’s Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a “possible overdose.”

When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn’t going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.

I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, “I don’t think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!” Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.

Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin’ headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below:

The World Will Get Another Duggar

As expected, the Duggars made a special announcement on Today this morning. No, they didn’t announce that Michelle’s uterus finally quit that bitch and they are offering a reward for its safe return. Unfortunately, that was not the announcement. As most of us guessed, Josh Duggar, the oldest ho, is having a BABY!!! with the newest Duggar baby machine Anna. Anna said she’s about 3-months knocked up. And it starts……

Josh, 21, and Anna, 20, both said that they are hoping for a large family. When Meredith asked their asses if they were planning to follow the Duggar tradition of beginning their children’s names with a specific letter, Josh said they weren’t sure, but they have talked about using the letter M. THE FUCK?! I think it’s only appropriate that they name their first born MAH GOD STOP THIS INSTANITY DUGGAR.

You know, I hope Michelle’s lady parts had a quiet conversation with Anna’s lady parts about its future as a broke down clown car. Anna’s vagina has no idea that in about 10 years, after queefing out a baby army, it’s going to need to be held together with duct tape and propped up with steel planks.

This news confirms that in about ten years, the world will be covered in Duggars. Everywhere we go, there will be a creepy smile and baby hongray eyes looking back at us. The cult known as Duggar is not slowing down.

I’m serious about the creepy smile part. While watching them this morning, my eyelashes nearly fell off out of fear. Imagine waking up to that every morning. My Sanka would need an extra shot of heroin just to deal.

The Duggars Have An Announcement To Make

Since OctoMommy is currently the country’s premiere baby pimp, the Duggars had to do something quick to steal the spotlight back! Whatever it is they did, they will announce it this Monday on Today. What in traumatized uterus hell could it be?!

Most likely the oldest Duggar, Joshua, will announce that his new wife is knocked up with their 1st of ten trillion kids. They were only married last September, but they couldn’t even kiss before they became legal! Seriously, Duggar rules state they couldn’t kiss, finger bang or even do anal! Some fucked up shit. So I’m guessing that they started doing fucky times on their wedding night and haven’t really stopped since. Josh’s wife’s vagina is already crying, because it knows its future is going to be filled with giant baby heads.

I also wouldn’t be shocked if Michelle was pregnant with her 19th kid. Bitch barely had a baby girl, Jordyn-Grace, in December, but that woman is a freak of nature. Shit, she was probably already knocked up before she gave birth to Jordyn. While Jordyn was sliding out, the fetus waved and said “See you later, girl.” Michelle is like a machine. I want to see her ass and OctoMommy in a baby-off!

Hopefully, the real news is that Michelle has decided to quit this baby stuff and move to Detroit, the hair capital of the world, to become a famous hair show model. Homegirl’s hair has the wings for it.

VIA The Frisky

ROLB: Every Girl Gets Drunk And Lays On A Speed Bump

It was whore business as usual on last night’s Rock of Love Bang Bus. Kelsey, Ashley and Farrah got “shit your pants” wasted in the ultra-classy VIP section at Bret’s show.

Honestly, that section consisted of just a rent-a-center sofa with a broke ass Kinkos-made banner hanging over it. But those whores didn’t know the difference. They probably thought they were in Europe, because that shit was so refined and classy. It was obviously too elegant for Kesley and Farrah, because those whores got kicked the fuck out for smearing their skankness all over the joint. Basically, they were too drunk according to Big John. Yeah, too drunk! This boggles my mind, because I’m pretty sure the Rock of Love Bang Bus runs on booze-filled fumes coming out of their snatches. It’s green like that.

After Kelsey got kicked the hell out, she she had a meltdown and collapsed on a speed bump in the parking lot where she cried for about an hour. Kelsey later waved that fuckery off and said a lot of girls have probably passed out on a speed bump. Au contraire! A lot of DUMB girls maybe. Why the fuck would you pass out on a speed bump? Think about it.

Say you’re passed out on a speed bump and some bitch who isn’t paying attention drives over you. Bitch is just going to look out his window really quick and see the speed bump. He’s going to shrug it off and go on his way. That leaves you laying there, with your guts spilling out and all the booze leaking out of your system. There goes your buzz.

A drunk whore with brains will pass out in the middle of the street far away from a speed bump. That way if a bitch runs over you, they will look to the side, see no speed bump, get out of the car and investigate. They will call you an ambulance and a doctor at the hospital can patch you back up, so the booze doesn’t leak out. Buzz saved! Seriously, Kelsey doesn’t know shit!

This week’s episode would not be complete without an Ashleyism: “People who eat basil are lame!” Bitch wouldn’t think basil was lame if it was dipped in Red Rooster 21 and wrapped around a hard cock. In addition to give her thoughts on basil, Ashley also tried to cook a microwaveable dinner. I can’t wait for Chef Ashley’s show on the Food Network. Clip below:

I Hope Ricki Lake Owns A Full Body Latex Suit

I must say that this is my favorite photograph of a talk show host posing an a Formica countertop. Like ever. Okay, now that I’ve orgasmed that out, let us all congratulate Ricki Lake for getting a job! Go Ricki! Vh1 announced that Ricki Lake will brave the STD storm known as Charm School. Ricki will replace Sharon Osbourne who replaced Mo’Nique as host and head mistress.

Charm School 3 will once again try to turn the cum sluts and crackwhores of Rock of Love Bang Bus and Real Chance of Love into fine ladies. But we all know Charm School is just another reason to watch skanks doing what they do best: get drunk and beat each other down.

Ricki as host makes sense. Ten years ago, all these skeezers would have been a guest on her talk show. Probably on the episode called “My pussy exploded but I can’t stop fucking!”

And Vh1 should close their doors and blame it on the economy if DJ Lady Tribe is not the main skank int he cast. Her epic slutness needs a new home and I don’t think CumFiesta.com will even take her ass!