Rock Of Love Bus: Ashley Wants A Cheeseburger

There were so many herp-puss covered gems during Rock of Love Bang Bus last night that I couldn’t just pick one to share with you. So I’m dropping a few. Like with any ROLBB post, make sure you look at these pictures through a pinhole in a condom to protect yourself from the high-levels of skankness. Grab a rubber and join me after the jump. JUMP!!!!

1. My first favorite moment was when Taya fell off the fucking stage during one of the challenges while wearing a whorey maid outfit. If you’re going to fall off the stage, you might as well be dressed like a whore who does windows. I felt for Taya. I was afraid she popped an ass wart or two. But I was a little surprised that Taya could fall any further since the bitch has already hit rock bottom (i.e. mouth fucking Bret Michaels).

2. The skanks were told to “dress to impress” for Bret. Most of the whores wore shit straight out of the Flirt Catalog, but Brittanayaaa (or whatever the fuck her name is) gets my “Fine Lady Award” for her sophisticated denim panties. Some of you may not be impressed, but I am. And in Slutonese, “dress to impress” translates into “dress to sell ass.” Now does Britt’s elegant ensemble make sense to you?

3. This picture of Marcia sums up the whole show for me: a bruised up, battered down whore having trouble opening a bottle of tequila. Yes, that’s a metaphor for you to figure out.

4. A drunken Ashley made out with one of the other skanks and then flipped out after she saw the lady beast known as Beverly kissing on Bret’s drummer. When Beverly denied that shit (even she got caught on camera), Ashley responded with: “I want a cheeseburger.” For the record, that is the correct response for EVERYTHING. Clip below:

5. And finally, let’s end with some more words of drunkness from Ashley. When one of the tramps gave Ashley the side-eye for being a boozed up skank, she had this to say: “Get over it. People puke and they poop their pants.” Ashley is the Nietzsche of this generation!

Rock Of Love Bus: Brittany Is A Sock Thief

Tons of shit happened on Rock of Bang Bus last night. It was a fun-filled trash extravaganza as usual. First, Melissa busted her implant when she fell on the ice during a hockey game. A leaky brain and a leaky tittay! Melissa also got caught calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night and telling him she had no respect for Bret Michaels. Captain Obvious also told her man that Bret wears fake hair. Yeah, it was nice of you to join us, Melissa. You’re 3 years late in realizing Bret wears hair produced by Mattel (their European branch), but you’ve got a leaky booby and brain, so it’s not your fault. In the end, Bret threw Melissa and her “Made In Tijuana” titties off the show because she talked shit about his bald head. Basically.

But the best part of the episode was when the government check version of Juliette Lewis, Ashley, and the other skeezers found out that Brittany had stolen their sweaty socks from the hockey game! Brittany admitted it but said she didn’t steal it. The owner of the hockey joint let her take that shit. After she tongue fucked him in the ass, of course.

There was never any kind of explanation as to why that nasty bitch stole their grossness. Brittany is in the porn game, so I figured she was planning to whore that shit out on eBay. The skanks better check the rest of their shit, because Brittany probably snatched their crusty panties and pussberry-covered tampons. Coming to an Ebay listing near you: Authentic Rock of Love Bus smegma!

And if Maria calls herself a “retired model” one more fucking time, I’m going to make her lift up Bret’s bandana and stare at his bald head. That’s some Grudge shit.

Rock Of Love Bus: This Shit Is A Mess

I knew the first episode of Rock of Love Bus would make me feel like I needed Jesus in my life, but this shit exceeded my expectations. What…the fuck? After watching it, my saliva tasted like Boones-Farm-infused vomit, my crotch started itching like vag warts were starting to grow in and I had to look down at myself to make sure extra-large Hefty bags filled with melted down plastic weren’t taking up space in my chest area. Seriously, it felt like the high level of skankness on the TV screen exploded all over me. I had to ask God to forgive me for my sins. During next week’s episode, I’m going to wear a dental dam over my nose and mouth to protect myself.

I wish I had one last night while watching the moment above. Now, I consider myself highly knowledgeable when it comes to all things whorish, but this shit even blew my mind. Nikki, the ladyboy muppet, was “freakin’ horny” so she decided to do a Buttery Nipple shot out of Gia’s pussy right on the bar in front of everyone! I bet it tasted like an oatmeal cookie, because you know that dirty bitch Gia had yeast infection leakage.

Nikki is taking the whole “nasty slut with no self-respect” thing to levels beyond my imagination. She truly is my idol. Unfortunately, the only open vagina Vh1 is allowed to show is Bret Michaels‘ face, so they had to censor the whole amazing moment. And that bitch Heather falling on her ass at the end completes the clip.

It wouldn’t be a Rock of Love episode without a good skankfight! This one below comes courtesy of the Brazilian drunk Marcia and the Juliette Lewis wannabe Ashley. It all started when Ashley made fun of Marcia’s accent on the bus. When Marcia got a few gallons of tequila in her, she got revenge by throwing chips at Ashley and then choking her chicken neck! And Ashley totally fucking screams like a damn chicken getting finger fucked. I don’t blame Marcia. I would’ve done that long before, because Ashley’s voice is so damn irritating. She sounds like she’s talking with a dick stuck in the side of her mouth. Open your mouth, bitch!

Even though that whole episode made me cleans out my genitals with OxiClean (and I mean that as a compliment), I’m still mad that they got rid of Nikki so soon. I mean, the ho did a shot out of another chick’s coochie in the first episode! She would’ve been mixing martinis in her own poon by episode 3! Extra dirty with two crotch olives. Aw. What could’ve been….

Why Waste The Wine?!

Last night, the promised epic fight between Sharon Osbourne and that fatty faced Megan went down on Crack Rock Charm School Reunion. This was the fight that landed Megan in the hospital claiming Sharon done pulled her weave out leaving bald spots. Megan also filed a police report. Vh1 didn’t show the hardcore goods, because a million security officers covered the fun. I mean, how many dudes does it take to tear apart a dumb whore and an old bitch?

But what they did show was pretty awesome. Sharon sort of started it by saying Megan should get her lady parts fixed so that she can’t spawn any lil’ bikini-wearing whores. The truth hurts like two hard dicks going in your butt without lube. Megan fought back by telling Sharon she’s only famous for managing a decrepit rock star with worm meat brains. At first, Sharon laughed it off, then she did a little cough-act and poured her cup of wine all over Megan’s skeeze body. Megan looked like the dirty maxi pad she truly is. Usually I cry when people waste the booze, but this was worth it.

Megan was pretty fucking tanked, so I don’t understand why she didn’t open up her alki-hole and drink up all of that wine being poured on her! Don’t let it fall everywhere! What kind of drunk slut is she?! If I was Megan, I would’ve been sucking the booze out of my weave while Sharon was punching me in the dough face. The booze is more important!

It also sounded like the audience was screaming “Jerry” instead of “Sharon.” Screaming Jerry would have been more appropriate.

And the next time you get into some fight with a dumb bitch, handle it like a real charming lady and throw your choice beverage in her fat boy face! That’s what Headmaster Sharon recommends!

Click here if you can’t see the shit above.

Don’t Eff With Sharon

Sharon Osbourne is the headmistress of Rock of Love: Charm School and she had to teach the skanks how to be classy ladies. Well, I guess all that shit flew out of the window on Saturday night, because Sharon allegedly tried to rip out Megan Hauserman’s bleached weave for talking shit about Ozzy. One of the rules of Charm School must be: Thou shall get a beat down if you talk trash about my husband.

It all went down at the taping of the Charm School reunion show on Saturday night. According to TMZ, Megan told Sharon that she was only famous for managing a brain dead rock star named Ozzy Osbourne. The truth does burn. Megan’s little comment must have lit the fire in Sharon’s asshole, because she bounced off her seat and went after her. Sharon grabbed at Megan’s back alley weave, pulling at it and scratching at her until security came in to pull the two beavers apart.

Megan went to the hospital yesterday and filed a police report. The LAPD hasn’t filed charges, but said that Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery.

A reunion show on Vh1 isn’t complete until a crazy lady goes after a dumb, useless skank. Sharon really should have tried to pull Megan’s face a part instead, because that shit needs it. Then she could have sent Megan an invoice for fixing her dough face. Seriously, Megan pays so much attention to those Tupperware titties when she really should be working on that mug! She has the face of a little chubby boy on a day-shift stripper’s body.

And after Sharon was done with Megan, she should’ve went after that cunt Lacey with a hot razor.

Wait. And what about Megan’s mentally challenged chihuahua Lily?! I hope she didn’t get hurt during the pussy fight. Yeah, she probably held Megan down for Sharon.

The Rock Of Love Bus Is Full Of Elegance

SPOILER ALERT! The stunning beauty above wins Rock of Love Bus and Brett Michaels’ heart. Okay, I’m totally lying. I don’t know if she wins, but if she doesn’t then my faith in cable reality TV is gone forever! The elegant creature’s name is Nikki and she has already won my heart. It’s like Shauna Sand queefed out Nikki in a cloud of lucite dust.

I’m assuming that the first episode will consist of one scene: Nikki and her exquisite lucite heels will sashay into the house and Brett’s bandanna will fly off of his head. Nikki will touch his bald spot with one of her lucite heels and a glorious mane of blonde hair will grown in its place. The first words that came out of his mouth will be: “Will you marry me?” Nikki will respond, “I am already married to the angels who sing my name.” And then she will flutter off. Brett will commit suicide, because if he can’t have Nikki, why go on living? My thoughts exactly.

I believe Nikki will bring class and elgance back to reality TV!

I feel wrong by even mentioning the other hos in this show, but here’s a few of my favorites below based on their pictures alone. I’ve nicknamed them: Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Celibate, The Clap and Herpes. Click here to see the rest of the tramps. Rock of Love Bang Bus premieres on January 4th.