When your President gets cornered, he lashes out by tweeting threats of nuclear annihilation IN ALL CAPS because any asshole with a valid birth date is allowed to have Twitter. When R. Kelly gets cornered, he ass dribbles out 19 minutes of martyred mumbling and releases it on Sound Cloud, the same way I release my janky podcast, because any asshole with a valid email address can publish there. While your President’s outbursts might get us all killed, R. Kelly’s charming ditty, “I Admit“, is about as dangerous as being stabbed with a peeled banana, and equally ridiculous.
I’m sure you’d like to know what it is exactly that he’s admitting to, because who the fuck is going to actually sit down and listen to a 20 minute R. Kelly track in this, the year of our Lord two-thousand and eighteen.
I made it through 7 minutes, 46 seconds before my bowels got all liquidy. We can thank the poor intern over at Genius Lyrics for the rest. In the part I heard, Kelly admitted that he’s functionally illiterate. What, did you really think he’d actually admit to sexually assaulting and imprisoning underage girls? That would be like it your President tweeted OK IT WAS COLLUSION NOW LET’S MOVE ON! No, Kelly said:
I admit I can’t spell for shit
I admit that all I hear is hits (ohh)
I admit that I couldn’t read the teleprompter when the Grammy’s asked me to present (yeah)
That’s the only halfway legitimate rhyme in the whole song so, yay? He does go on to claim he was molested as a boy, something WEBZ says he already admitted to in his ridiculously titled 2012 autobiography “Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me”. He admits he’s broke and doesn’t own the rights to any of his music (partly because he couldn’t read the contracts, lol), and he claims he’s been used and abused by bad management. There’s a bunch more woe-is-me verses, but he does eventually get down to the nitty gritty.
I admit I fuck with all the ladies, that’s both older and young ladies (ladies, yeah)
But tell me how they call it pedophile because that shit is crazy (crazy)
You may have your opinions, entitled to your opinions (opinions)
But really am I supposed to go to jail or lose my career because of your opinion
What’s that saying about opinions and assholes? Oh yeah, only an asshole who’s guilty as sin be afraid of going to jail over an opinion. Kelly claims that it’s the parents fault for pushing their children on him. He says these “girls” like their hair pulled and to get spanked. And to be branded. Who is he to deny them the pleasure of his defilement?
“I Admit” is so bad it’s essentially un-listenable. It’s also sad and desperate, which makes it funny so you may enjoy it on that level. R. Kelly’s rantings on “I Admit” are so deluded, pathetic and self-aggrandizing, that it’s the only summer jam so far that really capitalizes on the insanity of #thesetryingtimes. It’s the perfect song to blast while sitting on the beach with a crotch full of damp sand, sipping on a hot, curdled eggnog!