Marilyn Manson Keeps His Chonies On During Sex

I know you’ve been wondering what Marilyn Manson’s average fuck time sessions look like, and now you can stop wondering and start painting the picture with your mind.

Rolling Stone did a really interesting profile about Hot Topic’s oldest customer and I hope Lifetime turns it into a movie. Paul from The Wonder Years can play Marilyn Manson. (“So you mean, Marilyn Manson can play himself” said every trick who will forever believe that Paul from The Wonder Years and MM are the same person. I used to be you and a part of me still is.) Marilyn talks about his phobias and how his phobias get in the way of him having all-naked fuck times with the lights on. Marilyn’s mom had Munchausen by Proxy syndrome and he was in the hospital a lot for “allergies,” so all his weird phobias might have come from his childhood.

He can’t really take a shower with a piece he’s dating and he doesn’t do baths at all. Marilyn’s maid probably has a severe case of arthritis in the hands from constantly scrubbing white Halloween makeup, sex smegma and who knows what else out of his bed linens, because he only sleeps on black sheets and he bones at least 5 times a day. I figured Marilyn Manson came grey dust because he’s that goth. But now I know he cums dust and air because his gonads can’t produce jizz fast enough. Marilyn, who is currently doing photographer Lindsay Usich (If you read that as “Lars Ulrich” go with it. It’s good for your visuals), has to screw in the dark  and he’s always prepared for a fire:

First, no lights shall be on. “I’m just really shy, despite what you’d imagine,” he says. Second, no underwear shall be slipped farther down than his ankles. “I have a phobia that the house is going to catch fire, and I don’t want to be naked,” he says.

Basically, Marilyn Manson screws like a teenager who’s afraid his parents are going to come home at any minute.

So Marilyn Manson has to keep his panties on when doing sex. Big deal. He always acts like he’s the King of the Weirdos. He’s not. For his information, every human being I’ve ever done it with insists on keeping their underwear on too. It’s not that uncommon. Yes, they insist on keeping it over their face so they can’t see me, but still. That counts.

QOTD: Donald Sutherland Is A JLawaloonie

If you peeked into the teepee in Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s backyard, you’d find Donald Sutherland smoking peyote and mind waxing about the solar plexus with Jaden and Willow. He’s obviously on the same shit as them.

At the premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 in L.A. on Monday night, Donald Sutherland slobbered out an ocean of praise for Jennifer Lawrence to E!’s Marc Malkin. According to Donald Sutherland, Jennifer Lawrence is the special messiah we all need and centuries from now, our children’s children’s children’s children will celebrate her birthday by farting out carols and watching her greatest work House at the End of the Street. Donald dribbled out this verbal craziness:

“When I worked with her, I realized the child was a genius. She’s the right person at the right time in the sense of Joan of Arc or Jesus Christ, any genius, in that sense.

She has the ability as an actor to tell the truth out of the material and that truth is immediately recognizable with everybody because it hits you in your heart, your solar plexus and your mind. And she has the genius of person to be not affected by all of this. She’s just a real girl.”

At first I thought he was joking, but does Donald Sutherland even joke? Jesus Chris, I mean Jennifer Lawrence, he laid it on thick. We get it, Donald Sutherland, we get it. You just saw her pictures from The Fappening.

Vivienne Westwood Thinks You Should Eat Less If You Can’t Afford Organic

Based on that headline alone, we can all agree that everything that Vivienne Westwood says is:

Dame Vivienne Westwood, the fashion designer whose (NSFW alert) naked ginger body was my iPhone wallpaper for weeks, is back with more advice on fashion and food for the peasants. Damn Viv (typo and it stays) once said that the poors should buy less clothes, meaning that instead of buying a $6 t-shirt at H&M, poors should save up to buy a $50 better quality t-shirt instead. Great advice, Damn Viv! Dame Vivi is a vegetarian and has long campaigned for not using chemicals in food. During an interview with Dino Sofos on BBC Radio 5 (via The Daily Mail) about a letter she delivered to the British government from “millions” of people who are sick of genetically modified food, Dame Vivi said that people who can’t afford to buy organic, should still buy organic but just buy less of it. So instead of buying a cartful of food from your regular grocery store, buy a tiny basketful of organic shit from Whole Foods instead! Once again, Dame Vivi spit out some great advice that everybody who can’t afford organic appreciates! What would we do without her wisdom?

Continue reading

QOTD: Niecy Nash Thinks The Key To A Happy Marriage Is Sucking Your Husband’s Peen Every Day

Why do I have a feeling that minutes before that picture was taken, Niecy Nash “kept her husband happy” in the car and she’s still got a souvenir in her mouth?

I knew Niecy Nash was in Getting On, Reno 911, Clean House, The Soul Man, Hair Show and Cookie’s Fortune, but I had no idea she had a PhD in couples therapy. I mean, that’s why someone gave her money to write a book about marriage and relationships, right? Niecy has a book out called It’s Hard To Fight Naked and while talking about it with Playboy, she said that men are simpletons who are happy as long as they have a hot meal in their mouth and a hot mouth on their dick.

Dr. Niecy, who definitely has a masters in blow jobs, basically admitted to giving her second husband of 3 years a beej every day and says that the glue that holds a marriage together is the cum you suck out of your man’s dick. And suddenly, Niecy’s Getting On co-stars now know why her breath always smells like goat milk and chlorine.

What I say in the book is, “A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away” and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used as the title of chapter three, which is, “Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem. We are really more complicated than they are and I think that women are more generous with oral sex because we nurture by nature. We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA, so I think that a lot of the behavior we’re looking for sexually, you might have to educate your partner. Sometimes, men just assume they’re going to get it and you need to be like, “Give me mine. Ladies first.”

Stomach Full, Penis Empty?! I’m going to need Niecy to explain that one to me. Does she mean that wives should suck their husbands off while feeding him fettuccine alfredo? Or does she mean that wives should swallow? Or does she mean that snowballing is the secret to a long-lasting marriage? I’m going to go with the last one, so open up and say aaaaah, husbands.

The anti-Peg Bundy also says that getting her uterus taken out was the greatest thing she’s ever done, because now she and her husband can screw without worrying about making babies. I guess Niecy doesn’t know about condoms or birth control, but in her defense, she doesn’t have time to research such things since she’s always gargling peen and making dinner.

And somewhere in the Scientology Centre, John Travolta has taken off his wig and is slow clapping for Niecy, because he has always told Kelly Preston that the key to a successful marriage is sucking dick every day.

Sophia Loren Finally Explains The Legendary Side-Eye She Threw At Jayne Mansfield

Sophia Loren didn’t really need to explain the master class in side-eye-throwing she gave in that vintage masterpiece above, which is the Mona Lisa of the International Museum of Shade, but she did anyway and my soul is glad she did. Because Sophia’s explanation of the picture is almost better than the picture itself and has taken me higher than the clouds in heaven (which probably look like Jayne Mansfield’s chichis). Now we all know that’s a “Please don’t let her titties explode all over the place and smudge my impeccable eyebrow situation” side-eye. Sophia explained it like this to Entertainment Weekly:

“Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing. She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely…Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I’m staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate.

In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table. There may be other photos, but this is the picture. This is the one that shows how it was. This is the only picture.

Many, many times I am given this photo to autograph it. And I never do. I don’t want to have anything to do with that. And also out of respect for Jayne Mansfield because she’s not with us anymore.”

Finally, that masterpiece has a title: The Fear Of Nipples On My Plate.

QOTD: Jamie Dornan Just Gave Everyone A Good Reason To Not See Fifty Shades Of Shit

I know, everyone already had a good reason to not see Fifty Shades of Grey. The good reason being: everything about it. But now Jamie Dornan has really given me a good reason to not sit in the front row of an IMAX theater with my mouth open on Fifty Shades of Grey’s opening night. There’s no reason to go, because we will not see Christian Grey’s soft dick sway back and forth as he whips that Ana chick. I repeat, Fifty Shades of Grey will have zero shades of peen in it.

Jamie told The Observer (via DS) that his artful todger won’t make an appearance in that future train wreck of a movie, because they want to appeal to the masses and don’t want to be too graphic. Jamie dribbled out this laugh-inducing stream of bull caca:

“There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um…todger. You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.”

“Grossed” out by dick? Show me a weirdo that’s grossed out by the sight of a dick and I’ll show you my new sworn enemy! But seriously, do the makers of the Fifty Shades of Shit movie know that it’s based on a book that has this line in it: “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.” “Gratuitous, ugly and graphic” are three words most hos would use to describe that mess of a book and mostly because of the overuse of the word “JEEZ.”

It was reported recently that the Fifty Shades fuck scenes had to be completely reshot, because Jamie and Dakota Johnson had zero chemistry and zero soccer mom panty pudding was made during test screenings. So the fuck scenes are going to suck (but we already knew that) and there’s going to be zero shots of Dornan peen? I know we’ve already seen (NSFWish) it, but I was expecting to see it in motion. This goes without saying, but this movie is going to make Exit To Eden look like a piece of hardcore BDSM erotica.

So far, the only good thing the Fifty Shades of Shit movie has given me is the thought of Jamie Dornan saying the word “todger.”