QOTD: Giorgio Armani Doesn’t Like It When Men Dress Too Gay

Seen above serving up some pin-up Voldemort tease in a pair of super masculine black swim panties, 80-year-old Giorgio Armani let all the dudes know in an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine (via Towleroad) that if you see his picture after opening up Grindr near the Death Eaters’ lair, you better not message him if you’re full of muscle and not 100% masc. No fats, muscle marys or human men who get squeamish when a Slytherin sucks the life out of them during a salad tossing session. The Italian Oompa Loompa said that he doesn’t like it when a man dresses extremely homosexual and he also spat up a mini rant about muscles.

“A homosexual man is a man 100 per cent. He does not need to dress homosexual. When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme – to say: ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ – that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.

I don’t like muscle boy. Not too much gym! I like somebody healthy, somebody solid, who looks after his body but doesn’t use his muscles too much.”

Holy Google Translate HELL! That reads like my drunk ass translated it from Italian to English. And the only Italian I know I learned from the menu at the Olive Garden. But I still expect Elton John to lose his mind over this and boycott Giorgio Armani for a couple of hours.

I do love the line “homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme.” If I was an exhibit in a museum and the tour guide stopped in front of me as I was trolling PornHub in between writing a post about John Travolta as the Golden Girls played on the TV in front of me, they’d tell the museum goers, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is homosexuality exhibited to the extreme.” Actually, scratch that. The tour guide would say, “This is forever aloneness exhibited to the extreme.”

And is Giorgio Armani trying to destroy his company and make sales plummet? Is this all part of some insurance scheme? Because if he’s saying that men should only dress super manly and masculine, then he’s essentially saying that men shouldn’t buy the clothes he designs. I mean, he designed this super masculine ensemble (which I would totally wear to Smart + Final, by the way):

Pics: Splash, Attitude UK

QOTD: Vin Diesel Thinks That Next Year You Will Hear The Words, “And The Oscar Goes To…Furious 7!”

Mr. Clean’s sensitive second cousin Vin Diesel is pimping out Furious 7 hard and he’s taken his selling technique to new levels of “no fucks given” by spitting out some ridiculously delusional shit in hopes that one crazy person believes him. Or maybe he really believes what he’s saying and if that’s the case, hold onto your beautiful dreams, Vin!

Vin tells Variety that Furious 7 is so fast and so furious that it’s going to be the biggest hit of all-time and it will win the big prize at the Oscars next year.

“Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie. It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever. This will win best picture. There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.”

Are we sure that in Vin Diesel talk “Oscars” doesn’t mean “Spike Guys’ Choice Awards,” because that would make sense.

Well, we live in a time when Shakespeare In Fucking Love won Best Picture, so anything is possible and anything can win. But seriously, Vin should know that the Oscars are a joke and they don’t care about cinematic artistry! Because if they did, Vin Diesel would be a three-time Oscar winner for his groundbreaking and multi-layered performances in The Pacifier, Find Me Guilty and as that rotten asparagus thing in Guardian of the Galaxy. 

Candice Bergen Is Fat And Loving It!

Candice Bergen is out peddling her memoirs that she should’ve called Eat Pray Love Eat Eat Eat, because in it she declares that she’s big, beautiful and she loves to eat. Page Six says that in A Fine Romance, Murphy Brown writes that long gone are the modeling days when she used to diet to stay skinny. Now that she’s in her 60s, she’s going to happily fill her eatin’ hole with carbs and anybody who has a problem with it can suck on a fart.

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QOTD: Heather Mills Says Paul McCartney Is Irrelevant

It’s been much, much too long since we’ve all gotten a piping hot, extra large serving of cuntness from gold digging grand champion and one of my cunt idols Heather Mills, so thankfully she was asked to be on Ireland’s The Late Late Show where she delivered a beautifully bitchy gem. Heather, who was only relevant for being married to Paul McCartney, was a little pissed when the host Ryan Tubridy brought up Paul McCartney’s name. Thankfully for him, Heather Mills didn’t pull a Heather Mills by dumping a glass of water on his head, but she did say that she wasn’t there to talk about Paul. Ryan told Heather that people are interested in what she has to say about Paul and she responded by spitting out this shiny jewel of delusion:

“No, they’re not. That’s the thing. If I go down the street, all I get is kids coming up to me, half of them don’t even know who he is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember. But you know, most of the time I have people coming down the street and saying, ‘Oh my god! You’re a ski-racer’ or ‘You help the animals.’ I own the biggest vegan company in the world. Most of the money I do goes into helping animals, disabled kids, landmine clearing charities… You know, things that are changing the world. This is just someone I fell in love with who to me was a normal guy that happened to write a few cool songs in the 60s and a few in the 70s. It was just someone I fell in love with.”

Three things:

1. Heather Mills thinks that Heather Mills is more relevant and “in with the kids” than Paul McCartney. If delusion needs inspiration on how to be more delusional, it should spend time with Heather Mills.

2. We all know that “kids” aren’t running up to Heather Mills in the street. That’s crazy. Most kids have been told at a very, very young age to never ever go up to that witch Heather Mills, because she’ll eat their souls.

3. If anyone does go up to Heather Mills in the street, the only question they probably ask her is, “Do you still have that PT Cwuza?”

Chloe Sevigny Is Totally Annoyed By “Crass” Jennifer Lawrence

It’s gotten to the point where when I look at a picture of Chloe Sevigny, I don’t know if I’m looking at a picture of the actual Chloe Sevigny or a picture of Drew Droege as Chloe Sevigny. Or a little of both. Every Chloe Sevigny picture is a riddle with no answer.

All of us trashy whores better close our always opened legs, sit up real proper-like and if we have to fart, we better fart into a freshly cleaned white handkerchief, because we are in the presence of a genteel lady who is the sheer definition of class. Umlaut Chloe talked to V Magazine about stuff while promoting her new coffee table book for Rizzoli which was inspired by a Japanese paparazzi book featuring pictures of her. I’ll wait right here since I’m sure you have to evacuate your building after the carbon monoxide detector went off from being hit with the hot pretentiousness wafting off of that last sentence.

While talking about how nowadays personality is more important than acting skills, Chloe said that she doesn’t think she that thing that makes you a big movie star. Chloe thinks St. Angie Jolie has it, but thinks the frat boy trapped in a woman’s body that is Jennifer Lawrence is just trashy and annoying.

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QOTD: Madge Didn’t Get Off From Reading “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

Since Madge knows sex and knows erotica, Billboard asked her if she’s spent any time with the Fifty Shades of Shit book. Madge has read it and reading it felt like reading a book on how to grow hydrangeas. It did nothing for her. That shit is preschool playground stuff to her. Madge says that book is for virgins, and it’s also really unrealistic, because according to her, Christian Grey spends way too much time with a mouthful of Steele poon.

Yes, I have. It’s pulp fiction. It’s not very sexy, maybe for someone who has never had sex before. I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, “Hmm, a lot of spanking.” I also thought, “This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.” I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.

Yes, because a piece of Twilight fanfiction about a 27-year-old self-made billionaire who gets into a sex contract with a 21-year-old college newspaper writer who says “crap” all the time is supposed to be as realistic as possible. I don’t know how much pussy Christian Grey eats in that book and I also don’t know if Madge is right about dudes not licking the box a lot. But my guess is that many of her boy toys don’t go down on her all the time because they heard a tale during their travels. They heard that when you go down on Madonna, her muscled-up labia lips grab onto your tongue and as you scream, her powerful cooch sucks in your soul and youth. That’s probably why. But seriously, how can dudes eat Madge’s pussy when they’ve got a ball gag stuffed in their mouth and she’s pegging them?

Pic: V Magazine