I know, everyone already had a good reason to not see Fifty Shades of Grey. The good reason being: everything about it. But now Jamie Dornan has really given me a good reason to not sit in the front row of an IMAX theater with my mouth open on Fifty Shades of Grey’s opening night. There’s no reason to go, because we will not see Christian Grey’s soft dick sway back and forth as he whips that Ana chick. I repeat, Fifty Shades of Grey will have zero shades of peen in it.
Jamie told The Observer (via DS) that his artful todger won’t make an appearance in that future train wreck of a movie, because they want to appeal to the masses and don’t want to be too graphic. Jamie dribbled out this laugh-inducing stream of bull caca:
“There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um…todger. You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.”
“Grossed” out by dick? Show me a weirdo that’s grossed out by the sight of a dick and I’ll show you my new sworn enemy! But seriously, do the makers of the Fifty Shades of Shit movie know that it’s based on a book that has this line in it: “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.” “Gratuitous, ugly and graphic” are three words most hos would use to describe that mess of a book and mostly because of the overuse of the word “JEEZ.”
It was reported recently that the Fifty Shades fuck scenes had to be completely reshot, because Jamie and Dakota Johnson had zero chemistry and zero soccer mom panty pudding was made during test screenings. So the fuck scenes are going to suck (but we already knew that) and there’s going to be zero shots of Dornan peen? I know we’ve already seen (NSFWish) it, but I was expecting to see it in motion. This goes without saying, but this movie is going to make Exit To Eden look like a piece of hardcore BDSM erotica.
So far, the only good thing the Fifty Shades of Shit movie has given me is the thought of Jamie Dornan saying the word “todger.”