FINALLY, Betty White Gives Her Thoughts On The Killing Of Cecil The Lion

Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.

“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”

I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.

Pic: Morris Animal Foundation

The Host Of “The Bachelor” Haaaaaaates “UnREAL”

Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:

“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”

Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.

“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!

And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.

QOTD: Sinead O’Connor Tells Us How She Really Feels About Kim Kartrashian’s Rolling Stone Cover

According to Morrissey, the last nail in music’s coffin is made of the music of Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. But according to difficult brown warrior and Miley Cyrus’ arch rival Sinead O’Connor, music pooted out its last breath as soon as Kim Kartrashian’s poop deck realness cover of Rolling Stone hit the newsstands. Sinead read music its last rites today with this little mini-rant on Facebook (via The Mirror) :

What is this cunt doing on the cover of Rolling Stone ? Music has officially died. Who knew it would be Rolling Stone that murdered it? Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh can no longer be expected to take all the blame. Bob Dylan must be fucking horrified.
#BoycottRollingStone

Four things:

1. HA!

2. Doesn’t Sinead mean “kunt“?

3. I read that hashtag as #BoycuntRollingStone and now I know what my new Grindr username is going to be.

4. RIP Music

Pic: Wenn.com

QOTD: Chris Pratt Wants You To Objectify Him More

Chris Pratt has a thought (and you know a load of fuckery is going to hit your eyeballs when he has one of those). America’s back-up sweetheart (or is Jennifer Lawrence America’s back-up sweetheart?) thinks he knows the key to equality. It isn’t equal pay or any shit like that. Chris Pratt thinks that equality will be fully reached once everyone starts slobbering over dudes more. I’m pretty much already one step ahead of that (see: practically every post I write on Dlisted).

During an interview with Radio 4’s Front Row, the anti-Kit Harrington and former fatty was asked if taking his body from chunk to buff was a move he did to get ahead in his career. Chris said that it wasn’t calculated or anything, but he knows it was a big reason for why he’s an action star now. Chris went on to say that he’s totally okay with being objectified and thinks men need to be objectified more:

“I think it’s OK, I don’t feel appalled by it. I think it’s appalling that for a long time only women were objectified, but I think if we really want to advocate for equality, it’s important to even things out. Not objectify women less, but objectify men just as often as we objectify women.There are a lot of women who got careers out of it, and I’m using it to my advantage. And at the end of the day, our bodies are objects. We’re just big bags of flesh and blood and meat and organs that God gives us to drive around.”

Um, I sort of get what Chris Pratt is trying to say, but to really get his point, I’m going to need him to say it while his top is off and his nipples are hard. And he should leave out that part where we’re all just ground meat Volvos.

P.S. – If you’re offended by anything the real-life Andy Dwyer said, he’s already apologized for it.

Pic: GQ

QOTD: George Clooney Says It’s The Era Of The Hater

Congratulations, fellow haters! We did it! It’s finally our time. YAY! Okay, that’s enough happy time. Now let’s get back to moaning, groaning, bitching and hating.

Seen above having a moment of reflection and realizing that he’s married now and can’t freely just dive face first into cocktail waitress ass, George Clooney took a break from verbally jacking off his marriage to say that we’re living in a time when it’s in to be a negative shithead. Vulture recently interviewed George, director Brad Bird and co-writer Damon Lindelof about their new movie Tomorrowland and they were asked about Joss Whedon quitting Twitter because he didn’t want to deal with getting caca bombs of hate thrown at him anymore. I guess Damon deals with Twitter hate all the time and during filming, George judged his ass and wondered why he was wasting his energy on that crap. George then went on to say that the internet and social media has allowed bitter bitches to spew shit freely. Why is everyone looking at me?!

Listen, we’re at sort of a cynical time in society. Don’t ever read comments on anything! People can live anonymously, and I honestly think that when they were talking about freedom of speech in 1787, the theory was that you had to own your speech. It had to belong to you, and you actually had to take some responsibility for it. Now you can just sit alone and say horrible things, and it becomes fashionable to be shitty to people. Now people will come up to me, thinking they’re keeping it real, and they say, “I hated you in that last movie!” And I’ll look at them and go, “Well, I think those extra 20 pounds look good on you.” It’s become a much more cynical time, a time when people think it’s fun to only be negative.

So, he hates how asshole-y everyone has become and he responds to the hate by busting out some “Well, well…you’re fat” shit? Oh, George, you’re one of us. Stop fighting it. Now come sit next to me down in my dungeon of cuntiness and let’s throw some hate together. We’ll start with these pictures of you at the Tomorrowland premiere in Valencia, Spain today…

Pics: Wenn.com

QOTD: Kristen Stewart Really Hates Plastic Surgery

In the same interview with Harper’s Bazaar where Kristen Stewart calls Hollywood “disgustingly sexist,“ she shits all over the Botoxed and rotated faces of women who have had their mugs touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. Kristen Stewart may have the charisma of a hollow plastic mannequin, but she’ll never ever have a plastic face. Harper’s Bazaar asked KStew if she’d ever get plastic surgery and Our Lady of Reasonable Thoughts could’ve just said, “Plastic surgery ain’t for me,” and left it at that, but she wouldn’t be Kristen Stewart if she did that.

Keeping Up with the Kartrashians is already a terrifying shit show, but to KStew it’s probably extra terrifying, because rubber spatula faces scare her. KStew said that any woman who gets plastic surgery is insane and has vandalized her own face.

“No, never. Never. I am so freaked out by the idea of doing anything. And maybe that’s completely arrogant but I don’t want to change anything about myself. I think the women who do are losing their minds. It’s vandalism.”

Whatever, bitch, Jocelyn Wildenstein’s beautifully vandalized face is a work of HIGH ART and you can’t tell me otherwise.

According to the dictionary, the definition of “vandalism” is:

Willful or malicious damage or destruction of the property of another.

So either Kristen Stewart doesn’t know what that word means or she’s strangely religious and thinks that our faces belong to THE LORD. Whatever the case may be, I wonder how she feels about tricks getting bootleg tattoos of Picasso’s work inked into their arm, because to me that shit is a real crime.